(WRITTEN BY HER OWN HAND.)
(Continued from page 377.)
I DESIRE to bless the Lord for many occasions of engaging myself to the Lord. All that I can observe from this occasion is, that I got leave to tell my mind to the Lord: but my communion was referred till another occasion, which was Sabbath next, a day never to be forgotten by me, it being a national fast through the kingdom, and that for the many abominations committed there, as also for the threatened judgments hanging over our heads, especially that of famine, there being a great scarcity in the land. In which day I drew up this transaction betwixt the Lord and my soul.
EDINBURGH, 11th September, 1698.
O Lord, this day being set apart for humiliation and supplication, I desire to join with the rest, to humble myself under the sense of my own provocations, that I have had a hand in provoking Thee to lay the land desolate. Therefore, great Lord, though Thou make me perish in the common calamity, I must acknowledge Thou art right, for I have sinned. Also, I desire to be humbled under the sense of the family’s sins in which I live, and that because Thou art not worshipped in it by my parents, as Thou oughtest to be: therefore, although Thou arise in particular against us with visible judgments, “Thou art righteous, O Lord.” Also I desire to be humbled under the land’s sins; for, from the highest to the lowest, all flesh hath sinned and made public defection from Thy ways, and especially in breach of solemn covenant, which was the glory of our land, and in shedding the blood of the saints, for which we have all reason to mourn: by this Thou hast been provoked, and that justly, to send dreadful plagues among us. I desire to be humbled for the sins of the real godly amongst us: and that because they are not adorners of religion, neither are we bringing forth fruit suitable to the pains taken on us; but Thy way is evil spoken of by the wicked, when they see among the people of God so much pride, passion, and worldly-mindedness, selfishness, division, and many other evils; therefore, O Lord, just art Thou though Thou shouldst proclaim that over us Thou proclaimedst over the barren vineyard, Isa. v. Now, O Lord, justly art Thou contending with all of us; yet let me supplicate Thy throne this day, in the name and for the sake of the Lord Jesus Christ, with whom I entered into covenant last Lord’s day, at Prestonpans, that the judgments Thou art threatening by Thy servants, and by Thy providential dispensations, may be done away; nevertheless, if it seem Thee good to bring them on us, O Lord, fit and make us ready for them: give us strength to bear the burden, that we do not apostatize and fall away when the trial comes. I supplicate this day, that if Thou send Thy sore judgments among us, that they may be mixed with mercy. If Thou send famine among us, and break the staff of bread; then, Lord, give Thy Holy Spirit unto us, that we may learn to feed by faith on the bread of life. Or, if Thou send the sword among us, with a cruel enemy to avenge Thy quarrel, then, Lord, grant we may stand steadfast and faithful to Thy cause and interest, that we turn not aside for their threatenings. I here this day give myself to Thee; my life, my name, my natural enjoyments, if Thou shalt call for them; only make my call clear, that I be not confused when the trial comes. And then, if Thou give strength, I am content, though Thou call me to a gibbet, or a stake to be burnt, or any other way Thou seest meet to tryst me with; here I am, do with me what Thou please. I have sinned, be Thou glorified and let me enjoy Thee for ever, is all my desire. Or, if Thou shalt send that sore judgment of pestilence among us, then be Thou our Physician to heal all our diseases, especially spiritual ones; only Lord, whatever be the rod Thou art going to lay on us, come with it Thyself; and then welcome, welcome is the cross, in whatever sort it be. Now, O Lord, give me the victory over myself, this weary body of sin and death, which holds me daily in spiritual bondage; there is no enemy or judgment I am so afraid of, as this woeful natural disposition of mine to all things contrary to Thy holy law. O let my sinful, selfish nature, from this day, be like the house of Saul, growing weaker and weaker; and let the new nature, which belongs to Thee, be like the house of David, stronger and stronger; so that I may be strengthened to carry the cross cheerfully, rejoicing unweariedly when Thou calls me to it. Let not my resolutions be like that man’s who came to Christ and would do anything to be saved; and yet, when the cross was spoken of, he went away sorrowful. But I lay my resolutions in Thy hand, to keep them for me against the time of need; acknowledging my own weakness, for I have neither strength nor will to do anything; but I have chosen Thee for my all and in all, from this time forth, and for ever, so let it be. Amen.
O Lord, Thou knowest my requests this day, and at other times, put up for my father, that Thou wouldest work a second conversion on his spirit, that may send him to Jesus; for I am afraid that to this day, he is sleeping in a very dangerous condition; but yet I believe, that Thou hast put words in my mouth for him; so I hope against hope. As also, for my mother, that if Thou hast begun the good work in her, let it appear in her conversation, in changing her affections from things below and setting them on things above. As also, for my brother, that a work of grace may thrive in him: Lord, let him see the folly of spending so much time in seeking this world’s trash, and set him more on seeking the kingdom of heaven. I commit them all to Thee, to do with them as seems Thee good; only be Thou glorified. As also, for Thy glory’s sake, remember this sinful church and nation; and when Thou comes with Thy sore judgments, let them be for purging and purifying both ministers and people, that they may come out of the furnace all glorious, that other nations may see Thou lovest to dwell in Thy covenanted Scotland. Now, Lord, for Christ’s sake, when Thou in Thy wrath visits this land, and although I should fall in the common calamity, yet let my soul be united to Thee in peace! keep my faith, and do not suffer me to flinch from the least article of Thy truths, but speak Thou for me, when I shall be called to own Thee publicly before the enemy. O let not my self-ends get more room there than Thy glory! I must end this day with a song of praise, that the Lord hath been pleased to countenance and accept of an offering of mine hand; and that it would put me in a disposition for such a solemn day, to pour out my requests in the bitterness of my soul. Let this day be remembered by me, that I may sing glory and praise; and that, to eternity, my song may be, to Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, one God, and to Him be endless praise and glory, for now and evermore. Amen.
ELISABETH WEST.
On the back of this, I was mightily affected with the sense of the judgments, both present, and what I feared were coming. At the time there was a great dearth and scarcity in the land, as also a great sickness and death; we were also threatened with a foreign enemy, there being a continual report that the French were coming on us. Thoughts of these were very terrible to me; O but the thought of an enemy was grievous to me on these two accounts: First, I was afraid, when I thought what abominable creatures they were; and the fear of being defiled by their abominations was worse to me than death itself. But that which most of all affected me was the fear that all these things were but a forerunner of the Lord’s leaving the land and taking the precious gospel from us, and gospel-ministers, and making us again a habitation of idolatry; this weighted me indeed. I, as in the sight of God, consented to any trial whatever he would see fit to tryst us with, if so be it were to purge and make us more holy; but submit and take away the gospel from Scotland, that I would never do; no, no, my heart would never comply with that; there were great fears among all sorts of persons, but especially among the ministers; the whole of their sermons ran upon this, to prepare for sufferings. I wist not what to think of these things where the scriptures were made useful and comfortable unto me, Isa. xxvi. 20, “Come my people, enter into thy chambers, until the indignation be over past.” Zeph. ii. 3, “It may be ye shall be hid in the day of the Lord’s anger.” Oftentimes, when I was in prayer with my comrades, I thought that the Lord poured out His Spirit on me, in helping me to plead for the church of Scotland: which gave me ground to think and believe, surely the Lord will not leave Scotland altogether, when He is employing His own Spirit to plead for it. And frequently I got that word for it, Psalm. cxxxii., “This is my rest, here will I dwell ever.”
There is one thing which I cannot but remark: About this time I had a comrade whose converse and company was very refreshful unto me some time a-day: for she was the first that ever I opened my mind to when first the Lord took a dealing with my soul (and found great satisfaction in so doing). A great while before this, she tells me that she is going to desert the ordinances, and leave hearing of the ministers, and that because there were many faults among them, which conscience would not away with: they were not like the ministers in the late presbyterian times; they had made public defection from the truth in many things, and, in plain terms, she told me that she thought it was neither her duty nor the duty of any of the Lord’s people, to own them for ministers. Now, I knowing she was a godly woman, and had known much of the Lord’s way on her own soul; she was also one that attended all occasions of preachings and communions, and spoke always very favourably of our ministers: and now to see such a sudden change, put me in a strait what to think. Then did I enquire at her what she had a mind to do? She told me that “there were two or three singular ones (whom they call the Coto muir folk) who only had the testimony among them; these have kept their garments clean from all the pollutions of the times. These I resolve to hold for my ministers; for there are none in all the church of Scotland that keep so strong and true to the presbyterian interest and the covenanted work of reformation as they have done.” I, hearing this, was somewhat curious to see them. When I came to the place where they were (which was in the Canongate Tolbooth) I conferred with them, and thought them good people; but for me to think them righter than all the ministers of the church of Scotland, this I could not understand. I visited them frequently, and great pains were they at to get me in among them; but this I could never think of, till one time I was in a very ill case, corruption growing on my hand, and I could find no strength to fight against my predominant sin; I could find the Lord in no duty, neither in public, private, nor secret; then thought I with myself, What if it be true that these people say, that the Lord is not to be found in ordinances? So then it is needless for me to seek Him where He is not to be found: may be this is the cause why the Lord is deserting me in public and secret duties. Then had I some thoughts of leaving the ministers, and following their way; so accordingly I went one Sabbath afternoon to spend it with them, and to see what I could get there; but, instead of meeting with the Lord, I met with many a sad challenge for abstaining from public ordinances. Then thought I, What if the word has been preached this afternoon that would have done me good? This vexed me mightily.
Then did it become a piece of exercise to me to know which of us was rightest. This set me many times to the throne of grace, begging that He would direct me in that way which He would own and countenance, so that I might not halt betwixt two opinions. For which cause, I set some time apart, that the Lord might, by His Holy Spirit, answer me these three questions:
First, Whether or not there be real food to be got in the ordinances, which they say is not?
Secondly, What shall I think concerning the wrong that is among our ministers, which they say hath provoked the Lord to lay them by as so many Elis?
Thirdly, Whether or not it was my duty to abide by, and wait on the ordinances, as they were established at this day?
As for answer to these questions, the Lord was very gracious unto me, and condescending, and gave me a particular answer to every one of them.
As to the first, Whether there was soul’s food in ordinances or no? It was represented to me, in a similitude, as if there had been a company of people gathered together, and there was one among them trembling for cold, and starving of hunger; but seeing at a distance a well-covered table, with all sorts of food, and a good fire to warm him at, the person, in this extremity, had a great desire to be at them; but the rest of the company dissuaded him from it, persuading him it was but a painted fire, and a painted covered table, saying, Though ye were at it, ye would find no satisfaction, so that you had better bide with us. But the creature, being in extreme necessity, must go and see whether it be so or no. The which, when the person came there, found it to be real food, and real warmness; it was no painting, nor fancy, for he found it to be both comfortable and strengthening. This was made as applicatory to my soul as the sun shines; as if the Lord had said to me by this, Let them say what they will concerning the fruitlessness of ordinances, do not you know, to your soul’s experience, that you have found both food and warmness in them, that have both been comfortable and refreshing to your soul, at such a communion, at such and such a sermon, where you have got that in public where you have been seeking in secret? Then was I resolved as to this question.
Now, as to the second, What to think as to the minister’s wrong steps they have made? I was answered with that word, Isa. lvii. 17, 18, “For the iniquity of his covetousness was I wroth, and smote him: I hid me, and was wroth, and he went on frowardly in the way of his heart: but for all this, I have seen his ways, and will heal him.” O but this was satisfying to me; for it was as if the Lord had said unto me, “It is true that they say of the ministers, they have committed many faults indeed, but, notwithstanding of all this (in my sovereignty), I have seen their ways and will heal them. Then, since I will pardon their faults and heal their ways, it becomes you have no feud at them any manner of way, but hold them for my servants.”
As to the third question, Whether or not it was my duty to wait on the ordinances? To which I was answered, It is your unquestionable duty to give your bodily presence to the ordinances. Then did my heart and soul cry out, “Now I bless the Lord that hath given me counsel.” And from that time I durst never entertain a thought of leaving the ordinances.
But, to turn to my old distress again, the body of sin and death, the predominant, the idol, the sin that so easily beset me, it got a grip of me as, I thought, faster than ever. I think if I were quit of these vile desires and affections of mine, I would live one of the pleasantest lives in the world; but this comes in and mixes water with my wine; let my attainments be ever so great, this pulls me down again so that sometimes I wot not what to do or think. The Lord of His free goodness is pleased to hear me when I cry unto Him, and answer me concerning any thing that troubles me; but in this particular I cry, and get no satisfying answer; any answer I get is worse satisfying to me than if I got it not, for immediately on the back of it a storm of providence comes and contradicts it, so that I was tempted to call all the promises delusions, both for it and for other things.
The comrade whom I mentioned before, though we were divided concerning our hearing and not hearing the ministers, yet we still kept up fellowship for prayer, one with another, she being the only person to whom I revealed my mind concerning this that so much vexed me. We set some time apart for fasting and prayer, that it might please the Lord to give me some outgate of the dispensation. We were both helped of the Lord to perform this duty, and on the back of this I found a great composedness and quietness of my spirit for a considerable time, where I was again allowed as near access to the throne as ever before.
Secret prayer was then to me as the beginning of heaven, where I got communion and fellowship with the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost; and was confirmed concerning this exercise of mine, with a body of sin and death, that it should have a blessed issue, both for the glory of God and the good of my soul. In the meantime, I found two parties wrestling within me; the one party was for believing, and the other party was not, because it had no sense in hand: but, glory to God that kept me in the way of my duty, so that the enemy did not always prevail against me, for, if one thing discouraged me in duty, another thing bears me up. I have often compared myself to a ship on the sea; sometimes I would have a fair wind to take me to shore, where I would be no more exposed to such tossings; again ere ever I wist of myself the wind would blow contrary, and the waves would rage so, that I thought ship, and passengers, and all would be lost together, I being as far from landing as the first day I set out. Then let any suppose in what case I would be.
I remember one Sabbath, as I was in the College-kirk, there was one, Mr. Alexander Rule, who preached. He was a son of worthy Dr. Rule’s; and although this Mr. Alexander proved in a very little after to be a very naughty and abominable person, yet he was God’s messenger to me that day. His text was John xiv. 1. “Let not your hearts be troubled; you believe in God, believe in me also.” His observation was, that a discouraged frame of spirit, because the dispensations wrought contrary to the inclinations, was highly displeasing and dishonouring to the Majesty of God. It wronged three of his attributes: First, His wisdom, as if He knew not what was best for you. Secondly, His power. Thirdly, His faithfulness, as if He had promised what He would not perform. In his application he reproved them that lived more by sense than by faith. I thought every word in his sermon had more weight than another; and if it were sweet in hearing, it was more sweet in meditation after I came home, where I got my heart poured out before the Lord; and this I can say, there was never a time that I got liberty, or anything like nearness to God, but the church of Scotland lay nearest my heart, as also my parents, and all my godly acquaintances; and I thought I was highly privileged when I got leave to hold up their cases to the Lord. Then were these two scriptures given me, “Your labour shall not be in vain in the Lord. I will be your God and guide even to the death.” Notwithstanding of all this, I found my treacherous heart bent to backsliding, so I saw it was my duty, as I was often breaking, I should be often binding myself to the Lord.
(To be Continued.)