(Continued from page 229.)
IN the year 1754 I attended at the dispensation of the sacrament in Glasgow. On Saturday I heard Mr. Horn preach on these words (Mark iv. 11), “And he said unto them, Unto you it is given to know the mysteries of the kingdom of God.” In the time of this discourse I got leave to feed sweetly, and I had a great desire to hear him again on that text, which I did upon the Sabbath-day but found no sweetness in it, whereupon I might have seen my sins written upon my judgment for my limiting the Lord to that text.
After Mr. Horn had finished his discourse, Mr. M’Cara preached on these words, “Our conversation is in heaven.” He spoke of many professors who had a profession of religion and yet had not their conversation in heaven. He said that many would come that far in a profession of religion and not have their conversation in heaven, as those we read of in Isaiah lviii. 2. “Yet they seek me daily, and delight to know my ways, as a nation that did righteousness, and forsook not the ordinance of their God: they ask of me the ordinances of justice, they take delight in approaching to God.” These marks that he spoke of filled my soul with perplexity, for the cloud was so dark that was upon my soul that I could not see to read my evidences or a title to His favour, and I was afraid that all I ever met with was a delusion.
By this time the communicating work of the day was almost over and I knew not what to do, for I was afraid that I would betray glorious Christ if I went forward to His table. I stood perplexed till Mr. M’Cara rose to serve the last table. Then these words were borne in upon my mind, “How long halt ye between two opinions? If the Lord be God follow Him, or if your idols be God, then embrace them.” I could stay no longer, but went to the table. Mr. M’Cara gave some marks of a saving faith, at which I was sore shaken, for the cloud still remained on my soul; but a little after that it pleased the Lord to draw aside the vail that I got such a sight as I desire never to forget it again: I saw His heart’s love to me from all eternity. O for an heart enlarged as the sand upon the sea-shore to love Him! I can never trust precious Christ too much and myself too little, for I had no thought of such an enjoyment of glorious Christ. O that love of His! when I think of His love and the enmity of my own heart, O how humbling a sight is it!
Now, when at the table, I got leave to behold His love shining in a cup of red wine. O that I could praise Him for His love! Although I had the tongues of men and angels I could not express His love. I think faith’s views of the love of God and a sight of the enmity of our own hearts is a very humbling sight. O that I could praise Him for His love! O, He is altogether love! Love Him, O my soul!
Mr. James Erskine closed the work. In the time of His preaching I got leave to feast sweetly on the fruit of the blessed apple-tree. The Lord hath been pleased to pain me with His love, and my pain groweth through want of real possession. O wonderful love to so unworthy, so ungrateful and rebellious a creature as I am!
PERIOD FIFTH.
This period presents us with several instances of the deep distress of mind she was brought into on the Lord’s withdrawing Himself from her and Satan’s tempting her even to take away her natural life; with the agreeable relief she found on the Lord’s return, and how beneficial Mr. C.’s ministrations were to her for this purpose.
SOME time after this agreeable display of the Lord’s goodness to my poor soul, I found on my return home the clouds arising again, which covered the whole heavens as it were and hid from me the refreshing and lightsome rays of the Sun of Righteousness; my heart-plagues also prevailed, and which was most distressing, the Lord continued to hide His face from me.
Such was the Lord’s kindness, however, to me, that I still enjoyed the means of grace, and on the Sabbath-day Mr. C. preached upon these words (1 Peter v. 6), “Humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God.” He spoke of the sins that provoked the Lord to lift up His hand and also of the sins of not being humbled when God’s hand is lifted up. Then I thought I had not been humbled aright for the enmity of my heart, and I was afraid that such sins and grace could not dwell together. On this the adversary suggested to me, “That although I was exalted like Capernaum to heaven, yet I should be brought down to hell.” I owned that was true I have been exalted, and little matter of that although I should be brought down to hell if I were kept from sinning there.
When I was thus sore grieved, these words came into my mind (Ruth i. 16), “Where thou goest, I will go.” At which I thought, although the Lord should cast me down to hell, He would be there; He is there by His power, His justice is there.
I went still on in my unbelieving thoughts of God till these words came into my mind with power, “Seeing they crucify to themselves the Son of God afresh and put him to open shame” (Hebrews vi. 6), with (2 Samuel xvi. 17), “Is this thy kindness to thy friend?” O sirs, He hath shamed me with His kindness. O this pierced my very heart to think of my having pierced glorious Christ, for which I might go mourning to my grave. O wonderful love, that ever the Lord vouchsafed friendship to such a rebellious creature as I am! It is a wonder of mercy that He did not cast me down to hell, but full of pity He forgave my sins and did not slay me. Then, O how did it grieve my heart when I thought on my ungratefulness to so kind a Lord! I viewed myself as one that had, with a sword, pierced the heart of a dear friend; and, indeed, Christ is the best Friend. This made me to go mourning when I thought on my dear Lord; how I had wounded Him in the house of His friends.
As I was coming from the ordinances, a godly woman that I was acquainted with, asked me how I was, with a smiling face. To whom I said, “O if ye saw my heart, as God seeth it, ye would never smile upon the like of me.” However, my trouble was so great that I was obliged to take my bed, being grieved at the melancholy thoughts of crucifying the Son of God afresh by unbelief, and putting Him to an open shame. I imagined I had deceived myself, and I was afraid that all I had ever met with was a delusion of Satan: and my Bible became to me as a sealed book.
On the Sabbath-day Mr. C. preached on Psalm lvii. 1, “Be merciful to me, O God; for my soul trusteth in thee.” One note he had was to this purpose: “That although the wicked should lie in hell to all eternity, they could never pay the whole debt owing to the justice of God: but Christ, the glorious surety, was bound to pay the whole debts owing by an elect world, in virtue of the covenant of works; yea, ‘He magnified the law and made it honourable,’ by His obedience; and thus He recovered a title to eternal life.” When Mr. C. was speaking on this note, I saw a bright display of redeeming love, with power, shine in upon my soul; and also a bright display of the sufferings of glorious Christ in my room. I got leave to behold that the angel of the Lord did wondrously in the work of purchasing our redemption.
In the interval of worship, I went to prayer: one of my requests was, that the Lord would come out with His servant, and manifest His glory amongst us. And these words were borne in on my mind, with power (Proverbs viii. 20), “I lead in the way of righteousness, in the midst of the paths of judgment.” There was a wrestling spirit given me to plead with the Lord; and He filled my mouth with arguments, and allowed me to plead with Him as a man doth with a reconciled friend. O that I could love Him. When I came into the meeting-house, they sung in Psalm cxvi. from the beginning:—
“I love the Lord, because my voice
And prayers he did hear.
I, while I live, will call on him,
Who bow’d to me his ear.”
On which I invited the whole congregation to join with me in loving and praising Him for His love. Again, the glorious Hearer of prayer condescended to draw aside the veil, that I might get a sight I would never forget again. O that exceeding great glory that I saw by faith, in the person of the Son of God! O it is an unspeakable glory! I can neither speak nor write about it: it filled my soul with wondering at His love; and that glory so filled my soul, that I thought I could behold no more of it in this clay tabernacle, which made me cry, “O when will the day break, and the shadows flee away,” that I might win to behold His glory, without interposition, within the vail, where no shadows would ever intercept the glorious rays of His blessed face again. And this display of His glory had an abiding impression on my soul for that whole week.
On the next Sabbath morning, however, when I awaked out of my sleep, my spiritual enemies within my heart raged so, that I was made to cry out, “O wretched woman that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?” Mr. C. preached on the same text he was on the day before; but, O how tasteless was it to me, for as sweet as it was to me the day before! But now “my beloved had withdrawn himself, and was gone.”
Between the forenoon and afternoon’s sermon, I went to the place where I saw His glory the day before, in order to pray; but I could not open my mouth: the thoughts of God’s being angry with me terrified me: “I found grief and trouble.” His terrible majesty made me afraid. I sat down astonished. Then the enemy, who is ever watchful for His opportunity, did sorely assault me with that temptation, to take away my own life, and the temptation was covered over with that mask that it would put an end to indwelling sins, which I so much wanted; and this was something agreeable to me, for I could be satisfied to have indwelling sins put to an end, because they are so dishonouring to God, and hurtful to my own soul. And the enemy suggested to me the suitableness of the place, it being a very solitary one at a water-side where none would see me. O that I could bless the Lord for His faithfulness, who “never suffered me to be tempted above that He made me able to bear; but with the temptation, made a way of escape.” Then these words came into my mind, with power, “He that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved” (Mark xiii. 13); at which the tempter fled from me for a season. Glory be to God, who hath delivered me from the “subtle fowler’s snare;” for in that “He Himself hath suffered, being tempted, He is able to succour them that are tempted.”
O what need of watchfulness after enjoyments! I think the devil never assaults a Christian more violently than immediately after his enjoyments, then “the blast of the terrible one is as a storm against the wall.” At such times ordinarily a Christian loses the grace of fear. After we are in part brought near the King, we should beware of singing the triumph before the victory. When we are brought even within sight of Christ, then we are ready to cry out, “My mountain standeth strong, I shall never be moved.” I suppose these enjoyments of Christ, that are attended with much spiritual fightings, are usually the longest, the sweetest, and most advantageous.
On the twenty-first day of February, 1755, Mr. C. preached on Psalm lxxxiv. 7, “They go from strength to strength, every one of them in Zion appeareth before God.” This day it pleased the Lord to give a gracious display of Himself to me. One day this week, as I was helped to a very sweet meditation on the love of Christ, He graciously manifested Himself to me: I got Him in the arms of my faith, on the back of this singular display of Himself and His love. It was, however, but of a short continuance.
Soon after this I was again violently assaulted by the tempter to take away my own life. He presented to me a knife therewith to do it, no person being in the house but myself. The enemy pursued me so close that I could not endure so much as to see the knife in my sight, but laid it away. I complied so far; but the power of God kept me from the power of Satan. I was so taken with the temptation that I did not value my own life, but the glory of God.
One night when I was discoursing with a godly woman, I told her I was sorely pursued by the enemy. She said, “Ye have need to watch;” and, moreover, she told me of a woman that was thought to be a godly person, and yet she was left to take away her own life. O what sorrow did this fill my heart with, for I thought that would be my case! “Horror took hold of me: I found grief and trouble.”
I rose to go to our own house again, but such a trembling seized me, and a fear of being left to dishonour God, that I knew not what to do. My grief was so very great that I could scarce walk upon the streets. And as I was coming home, I was violently assaulted by the enemy to go into the sea and drown myself; but I said that it would dreadfully dishonour God, and grieve the spirits of the Lord’s people. The enemy replied that I would do it one time or other. At which I said, Woe is me that ever I made a profession of religion, if I be left to wound it. The enemy again suggested, The longer ye continue your profession, you will wound religion the more.
When I came to my house, I reasoned with myself how I should enter it, lest the enemy get power over me. But just as I was coming in to it, these words were borne in on my mind (Psalm cxxi. 3), “The Lord shall preserve thy going out, and thy coming in, from this time forth, even for evermore.” Then the echo of my soul was, “Stablish thy word unto thy servant, who is devoted to thy fear” (Psalm cxix. 38). I came into the house and shut the door, and I earnestly begged of God that He would either rebuke Satan, or uphold me under his temptations. The Lord then seasonably brought to my mind the temptations of our blessed Lord, wherewith the devil tempted Him to deny His Sonship, and to devil worship: “And the devil said unto him, If thou be the Son of God, command this stone that it may be made bread,” &c. (Luke iv. 3); for, “if these things were done in the green tree, what shall be done in the dry?” By this I saw that the dear Son of God’s love was not exempted from temptation. And these words much haunted my mind, in Heb. xii. 3, “Consider him who endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds.” But, alas! I wanted faith to take the “shield of faith,” wherewith I should be “able to quench all the fiery darts of the devil;” and to take the “helmet of salvation,” and the “sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”
About this time there was great noise of the French armies coming into our land, and great press for men; all which made me sore afraid. When I thought upon our great and grievous backslidings and apostacies from God, and from a pure covenanted work of reformation, and our many abominable practices—no nation in the world hath so far changed their glory for that which is their shame as we have done, having broken our sacred vows and covenants, burnt and buried them in oblivion, and shed the blood of the saints for their faithfulness in adhering to them—when I thought on all this, I was sore afraid that the Lord might come out of His place to punish the inhabitants of the earth for their iniquities, and even send in a bloody sword to avenge the quarrel of His broken covenant. By this the enemy got great advantage over me, for he violently assaulted me with his fiery darts, and suggested to me that it was better to fall by my own hand than by the hands of the uncircumcised Philistines, lest they come and thrust me through and abuse me. To which I replied, Little matter of that, were I kept from sin and from dishonouring of God.
One night as I was in my melancholy case, it pleased the merciful God to send in these words upon my mind, with power (Daniel vi. 20), “O Daniel, servant of the living God, is thy God, whom thou servest continually, able to deliver thee?” This might have shamed me out of unbelief. The Apostle, in Eph. vi. 16, calls faith the “soul’s shield” against temptation: and it is called “the victory by which we overcome the world” (1 John v. 14); the “sword or weapon,” by which we achieve our victories. And, if so, then unbelief, cursed unbelief, disarms us of both “sword” and “shield,” and leaves us naked of defence in the day of battle. At this time these words (Psalm lxxiii. 25) were powerfully brought in on my mind—
“Thou, with thy counsel while I live
Wilt me conduct and guide;
And to thy glory afterward,
Receive me to abide.”
These words brought a time fresh to my mind wherein I acted very sinfully, while I attended on the sacrament at Glasgow, dispensed by Mr. Fisher. I came from hearing sermon at the tent, into the church, with a design of going to the table of the Lord; but when I came in to the church, I got a seat and sat down, and I thought I would sit till the last table; but, by this conduct, I so provoked the Lord with my sin, that He let loose the enemy, in His righteous judgment, to fill my heart with blasphemous thoughts of God, which I forbear to speak of here. Let none prefer seats or any external conveniency to the work of the Lord on such solemn occasions. I rose, however, and came to the table of the Lord, but with a worse frame than when I sat down; the Lord, however, was very merciful to me, and was pleased gloriously to manifest Himself to me, in the breaking of bread. O wonderful love of God! that He should love such an unlovely wretch as I am, who, a little before, had my heart filled with enmity against Him. Now I was made to look upon Him whom I had pierced, and was made to mourn, and I was sore afraid that I would dishonour Him again; but when I was thus grieved for my sin, and afraid lest I should offend Him more, those words were again borne in on my mind, with power (Psalm lxxiii. 4), “Thou wilt guide me with thy counsel, and afterwards receive me to glory.” I found such a sweetness in these words that I was made to cry in my heart, “O the plaster is as broad as the sore.” I saw such a fulness in these refreshing words, they being both an ample security for time and eternity, that I was made to feast deliciously upon them, and many a time since they have been very savoury to me; and even now, in the time of this sore combat with the enemy, they have been very refreshing to me also.
This sore conflict with the enemy lasted about two weeks: then it pleased the merciful God to rebuke the tempter. And about that time, for the space of other two weeks, a great deadness seized me; and I had no liberty in prayer. When I went to my devotion I was often so seized with sleep that I could scarce open my mouth in prayer to God. This made me to think upon my former ways, and I saw that I had justly provoked the Lord to depart from me by the sin of unbelief; for, although the Lord said in His word, “Henceforth thy goings out and in, God keep for ever will,” yet I did not believe His word. I really thought I would fall a prey to the enemy one day or other.
The first Sabbath I could not go to the ordinances, although they were the very joy of my heart, my trouble was so exceeding great. The next Sabbath I heard, but could not apply. Mr. C. then preached upon Psalm lxxxiv. 7, “They go from strength to strength, till they appear before God in Zion.” One note he had was, “That he knew not a sin but a believer might be tempted to commit it.” This note was a little sweet to me, for I thought, if I had not been a believer in Christ, I would not have been so much tempted by the devil. But still the Comforter that should relieve my soul was far from me.
The next Sabbath-day Mr. C. was on the close of his discourses on the foresaid text. In the application he said, “Because of the sins of believers, estrangement took place between the Lord and their souls; and they become like strangers to one another.” At which my soul cried, “O Lord, send on the body what thou wilt, but take not away the light of Thy countenance from my soul.” And it grieved me sore that I had sinned away the Lord from my soul. I thought that I was like Adam in the first temptation, for he believed the devil more than God, and so did I; instead of honouring God by believing in Him, I dishonoured Him by unbelief. And this brought to my mind a note of Mr. M’Cara’s: when he was speaking of the sins that provoked the Lord to withdraw the light of His countenance, he said, “Because they sided so much with the house of Saul against the house of David, and did bear false witness against the Spirit of the Lord in their own souls; for which the Lord was provoked to let them go long mourning without the sun.” When I reflected on this, O how did it pierce my very heart to think how often I had sinned against the Lord!
When I was thus sore pained, all on a sudden a bright display of redeeming love did, with power, shine in upon my soul, that I was filled with wonder at the amazing good-will of God to such a rebellious, unworthy, ungrateful, and rebellious a creature as I was. I came home wondering at His love; and my mouth was filled with praise, and my soul with joy. I thought I never could praise God enough; whereupon I resolved to sacrifice to Him the sacrifice of thanksgiving for my great deliverances. For this purpose, I went to a secret place where I was often wont to go for prayer; but, at this time, Satan had almost affrighted me from it. So strong, however, were the impressions of divine love, that I thought, though there had been a hell of devils there, I would not have been very much afraid of them; for I saw the Lord to be more of might by far than whole legions of them.
At this time it pleased the Lord to double the vision, and gloriously to manifest Himself to me again. O the exceeding greatness of the glory that so filled my soul, that I could do no more but wonder at it for a little time! I again invited all things in heaven, and all things on the earth, to join with me in my melodious song of praise to God for His love. O the fulness that I now saw in glorious Christ to supply all my wants! Yea, I thought if it had been but possible for me to have suffered ten deaths, rather than to have glorious Christ’s face clouded again from me, I would have cheerfully submitted thereto; but, ah! it grieved me sore that I could love Him so little. “He is altogether lovely.” This Sabbath was 17th March, 1755.
The next subject Mr. C. preached upon was Rev. iii. 1, “I know thy works, that thou hast a name, that thou livest, and art dead.” The doctrine that he observed was to this purpose: “That there is a generation of men and women who have a name that they live, and yet are amongst the congregation of the dead.” Among other things he said, “Ye will think it a hard thing for me to say to you that ye have a name to live, and yet want the thing signified by it:” the name is “blasphemy;” “I know the blasphemy of them which say they are Jews, and are not” (Rev. ii. 9).
This last week of April, 1755, was the most remarkable for signal manifestations of His glory I ever before beheld: from Sabbath to Sabbath I had a heaven upon earth; I never experienced the like of it. “I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.” One morning, when I awaked out of sleep, my Beloved had withdrawn Himself, and was gone; whereupon I, like as the hart for the water-brooks, so panted my soul after more and more communion with God. Upon which those words were borne in on my mind, with power (John xvii. 24), “I will that they also whom thou hast given me, be with me where I am, that they may behold my glory.” There was such a glory shined forth brightly in these words that it filled my soul with wonder. Now I saw my will, that was once wholly rebellion against God and glorious Christ’s will, sweetly complying together; for he has said, “I will that they may behold my glory,” and my soul sayeth, “So be it, O Lord.” And these words in Luke i. 28, “Hail thou that art highly favoured, the Lord is with thee;” and Jeremiah xxxi. 3, “I have loved thee with an everlasting love.” O sirs, this is the cause of all, His love.
On the 27th of April, 1755, Mr. C. preached on Rev. iii. 1, “I know thy works, that thou hast a name that thou livest and art dead.” When he read out the text I looked up to God, and earnestly begged that He would let us see what our name is, whether it be amongst the living, or amongst the dead; whereupon I thought the glorious Hearer of prayer seemed to say unto me, “Because I live, ye shall live also.” Between the intervals of public worship, I had a desire to go alone to praise Him for His love; though I cannot praise Him aright. I went to a solitary place for prayer, and there was such a concern laid on my spirit for the Church, I almost forgot myself. There I was made to weep before the Lord for our great and grievous defections, and apostacies from God, and from a pure and covenanted work of reformation; for which I fear the Lord is pleading a quarrel with the inhabitants of the land. When I was weeping for those sins, these words were borne in on my mind, with great power (Isaiah lxii. 4), “Thou shalt no more be termed, Forsaken; neither shall thy land be any more termed, Desolate: but thou shalt be called Hephazi-bah, and thy land Beulah: for the Lord delighteth in thee, and thy land shall be married;” together with those words in Hosea ii. 16, “And it shall be that day, saith the Lord, that thou shalt call me Ishi;” that is, my husband; “and shalt call me no more Baali;” that is, my Lord. O this made me ashamed and to blush before the Lord, to think of His love to this poor back-sliding and covenant-breaking land; for the sins whereof the Lord seemeth to be about to avenge the quarrel of a broken covenant, by a bloody sword; yet I got leave to lay claim to Him as a husband to the Church, and to myself also. O how sweetly were these words borne in on my mind (Jeremiah ii. 2), “I remember thee, the kindness of thy youth, the love of thine espousals.” To which I said, my love is not worth remembering; but, O that I could praise Thee for Thy love: “Not unto me, not unto me, but to thy name be the glory.” O! the sight of His blessed face and the smell of His precious garments allured and ravished my heart. “He brought me to the banquetting-house, and His banner over me was love. His mouth is most sweet: yea, He is altogether lovely.” It grieved my soul that I could not love and praise Him more for His love.
For the most part of this week, I got leave to delight in His love. O the many sweet meditations I got of His love, which made me to cry, O that time would fly away, that I might win to the enjoyment of my Lord within the vail, where no mountains of Bethel would hide me from the light of His glorious countenance again! These words haunted my mind very much (Genesis xxxiv. 1), “Remember Dinah, Jacob’s daughter, how she went out to see the daughters of the land.” I took these words to be a caution to beware of giving my heart to any other lovers than glorious Christ to ravish it, by giving them the throne in my heart, and so provoke Him to withhold the light of His countenance from me. For the most part of this week I got leave to dwell upon His love. One thing I must remark—and, O that I could do it to the praise of the Lord!—those glorious manifestations which I got of Himself greatly mortified indwelling sin, and filled my soul with joy and peace in believing.
The next Sabbath Mr. C. prefaced on Psalm xxvii. 6, “And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about; therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy: I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the Lord.” I was very desirous to hear him upon these words, because about a year before, when I was in trouble, these words were borne in upon my mind. This was a time of great deadness which made me to cry, “O wretched woman that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?” But these words gave me some hope in my bondage, and some small expectation of some victory over my spiritual enemies.
But my trouble did increase, and the thoughts of death affrighted me: “I found grief and trouble.” By this time I had lost sight of the promise, and of the glorious manifestations of God’s love; this made death very frightful to me; but when I was brought to great distress, it pleased the Lord seasonably to send in these words, with power, upon my mind (Isaiah xliii. 2), “When thou passest through the waters I will be with thee.” These words had such a power in them as made me to say, O! “It is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the chief.” By this time I could look death broad in the face. Now I thought these words in Psalm xxvii. 6, were accomplished, “Mine head shall be lifted up above all those that are my foes.” I got a sight of victory, through glorious Christ, over all mine enemies, and these words were sweetly made out to me. And when Mr. C. prefaced on these words, he applied them so close to my case that they were very comforting to me, and confirmed me in my former experiences. O this was a day of the gladness of my heart! for, when he came to the application of the doctrine, he gave some marks of them whom “the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made free from the law of sin and death.” These words having been very sweet to me in former times, the Spirit of God, witnessing with my spirit, I came to reflect comfortably upon by-past experiences of His love to my soul; and by the immediate shining of the Holy Spirit upon His own graces implanted in my soul. O with what joy, peace, and believing was my soul filled! But I was grieved to see so few putting honour upon glorious Christ by believing in Him. Glory, glory be to God for the dispensation of the Gospel, discovering life and salvation through Jesus Christ our Lord!
(To be continued.)