(Continued from page 144.)
BY this time I was brought very low, and much deprived of converse with those who had formerly been refreshful to me, through the Lord’s blessing. Three stranger ministers came to visit me; the first of them asked me, What I thought of Christ? I told him that I could think but very little about Him, considering His worth and matchless excellency. He desired me to commit all that concerned me unto Him; “The Father hath committed all things unto his hand.” The second spoke on Mark ix. 7, “A bright cloud overshadowed them, and a voice came out of the cloud.” He said every affliction was a cloud, and every cloud had a voice; and he moreover added, “Hear ye the voice of the rod, and him that hath appointed it.” The third spoke on Luke vi. 48, concerning the man who built his house upon a rock; when the floods arose, and the storms beat vehemently upon it, it could not be shaken, because it was built upon a rock. He also said that death discovered the reality of religion in some, and hypocrisy in others. I could speak to none of them, through weakness, but the first. By this the Lord taught me more and more the emptiness of all things, besides Himself, and weaned me away from all created comforts; for, at this time, if one had come suddenly to my bedside, it would have taken my breath away for a little time, and when I essayed to speak to them, my pain occasioned fainting. I was hereby convinced how little I had improved my tongue for God, and the concerns of His glory, when I was in health. Man’s tongue is his glory, and therewith he ought to glorify God. In this low condition, I saw much of the low condescendence of God: he was often pleased, by His word and Spirit, to converse with my soul, as a man doth with his friend, when I could be active for nothing but a thought. O how familiar is a God in Christ with sinful dust! The Lord enabled me to some large meditations on these words, “Let Christ in all things have the pre-eminence.” I saw Him to have the pre-eminence above all relations. Compare Him with a husband: He saith, “Thy Maker is thy Husband; the God of the whole earth shall He be called.” Compare Him with a brother: He is the blessed brother born for adversity; “a Friend that sticketh closer than a brother.” Compare Him with suns: He is the Sun of righteousness, that “ariseth with healing under His wings.” Compare Him with stars: He is “the bright and morning Star.” Compare Him with roses: He is “the Rose of Sharon:” He is the fairest rose in all the garden of God; all other roses derive their beauty from Him: he makes them “comely through his comeliness put upon them.” I saw Christ in all things to have the pre-eminence.
After these sweet views of glorious Christ, when I got any sleep, I was sore distressed with the enemy. I often dreamed that God was inflicting some awful judgment upon me, or that I was committing some great sin against God; thereby I was filled with abhorrence at myself. I thought the enemy’s policy was to fill me with hard thoughts of God. While I was awake, I was allowed to behold God reconciled in Christ, and well-pleased for His righteousness’ sake. I was persuaded He would afflict me no more than what was for His own glory, and my good; but when I was in my sleep, I was almost frightened out of my judgment with these fears. However, when I awaked, the Lord composed my mind by His word; sometimes with these words, Luke xxii. 31, “Behold Satan hath desired to sift you as wheat is sifted, but I have prayed for thee:” with that word, “The God of peace will bruise Satan under your feet shortly.” One time I was very desirous that the Lord would rebuke the enemy, and give me a little composed sleep. I was answered with Matthew iii. 15, “Suffer it so to be; for it becometh us to fulfil all righteousness.” Then I was persuaded it was my duty to desire to be kept from sin in it, more than to be delivered from it, since a God of infinite wisdom saw fit it should be suffered.
My exercise now, for the most part, was meditation, and in it I was made to look back on my former ways: every step thereof filled me with abhorrence. And I thought that motto, “Self, Self,” might be written upon all my religious duties. O to have self dethroned and Christ enthroned. I had no pleasure in looking back to this world, but so far as I could remember something of God, from such and such a sermon. And when I remembered His loving-kindness, and the enmity of my own heart, my unbelief and ingratitude, especially the sin of unbelief, lay heavy upon my conscience. When I remembered my younger years, I could believe the love of God no longer than He shined on His own word; but razed the foundation, as if God had changed His love, when I was changed in frame. Oh! the many wounds I have given glorious Christ by my unbelief. I thought I heard my kind Lord complain, “Ye have broken me with your whorish heart; ye have wounded me in the house of my friends. Is this thy kindness for thy friend?” (2 Samuel xvi. 17). The consideration of these things brought sighs from my heart, and tears from mine eyes: but the only ground of my confidence before God was, the doing and dying of my Lord Jesus.
At one time I was so far shaken, that I could draw no comfort from former promises, so far as I remember; but, in a very violent manner, was made to act faith on the faithfulness of God, engaged in these words, “If we confess our sins, God is faithful to forgive us our sins:” with these, “The blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.” Glory to God, that it is not said, from this and that sin, but from all sin.
After this a very puzzling question arose in my mind, from what our Lord said of Mary, “She loved much, because much was forgiven her.” I thought how could that be, that so much was forgiven me, and I could love Christ so little? It was a heavy burden sometimes, that I could love Christ so little. I could never say with Peter, “Lord, thou who knowest all things, knowest that I love thee;” but I could appeal to him, “Lord, thou who knowest all things, knowest I desire to love thee.”
One Sabbath-day, when the sacrament was in the place where I used to hear, it came to my remembrance the fair days of the Son of man that I had seen, when the garments of our glorious Bridegroom smelled of myrrh, aloes, and cassia, whereby I was made glad. I found a vehement desire arise in my soul to be at the ordinance again, to behold His glory there; and immediately I was seized with such a discontented disposition, that I could not attain to patience, till the Lord reached me with a conviction of my sin and folly, from Judges xi. 35: “And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the Lord, and he said, I have opened my mouth unto the Lord, and I cannot go back.” O what a sermon the Lord preached to me from these words! He brought to my mind what had passed betwixt Him and my soul several years before, which I had no remembrance of. It was impressed on my mind, as if the Lord had said, “Do ye not mind the day when I discovered to you My glory, and darkened all created glories to you? Did ye not then put a blank in My hand, to fill it up with what was most for My own glory? Have I not granted you what ye asked Me?” My petition then was, that He would keep me about His own hand, and keep my interest in Himself clear to me, under the trial. O with what shame and confusion of face was I filled before a holy God! I might have said with the woman of Samaria, “He told me all things that ever I did: is not this the Christ?” I had not only opened my mouth to the Lord, but gone back, and altogether forgotten it.
I asked one of the family, when they came from the ordinance, where the ministers had their texts. They answered me that such a minister preached on Jephthah’s vow. I said to them, Well, the Lord has preached to me from that same text this afternoon. O the wonderful condescension of God, in bringing to my remembrance what I had so long forgot; and in giving me a new meal upon these old visits, notwithstanding my great ingratitude to Him. I had often resolved to be content with the Lord for my portion: this made me often cry unto him, “Thy vows are upon me, O God; enable me to perform them.”
Another difficulty I laboured under was, I knew not the voice of the rod: this made me beg of God that He would search heart and reins, and discover every wicked way in me. It is a singular favour from the Lord to know the voice of a rod; yet He has been pleased, in His adorable sovereignty, to favour some of His saints with it. When the land of Israel was under a famine, David inquired of the Lord concerning the meaning of that rod, and the Lord answered him, that it was for “the bloody house of Saul” (2 Samuel xxi. 1). Rebecca also enquired of the Lord concerning her rod, and the Lord answered her (Genesis xxv. 22). I saw also from the Lord’s word, a relation between the sin and the judgment (Judges i. 7). There is a relation also between Adoni-bezek’s sin and his judgment. Also Lev. x. 1, 2. They offered strange fire on the altar; therefore fire came from the Lord on them, and they died. But this I could not see; therefore it made me cry unto the Lord, “Shew me why thou contendest with me.”
(To be continued.)