(WRITTEN, 1811-1847.)*
(Continued from page 215.)
(6.)
DEAR FRIEND,—Disappointments are very often in my ideas’ way in a manner my mercy, and in another manner my cross; but if I had what I want—the flower of patience—my cross would be more easily borne. Oh! when will I be submissive? This cursed heart of mine embitters all comforts to me. I have many reasons to sigh and sob over my treacherous heart and wandering mind. Dear friend, I have my bitter herbs outwardly; but poisonous wormwood inwardly. Haman and his friends are trampling upon my back; the Bashan bulls with their horns—the whole clergy of Caithness—are in enmity against poor and feeble A. Gair. The Lord has been favourable to me in delivering my wife of a daughter, and may His name be praised—He is God, and they but men. This child is not, nor will be, baptized by the ministers of Caithness, as Mr. G. says that I am Antichrist. Will you, dear friend, pray that the Lord would support a poor worm that has so many trials, all from proud Haman outwardly, and a brutish heart inwardly? May the Lord keep the few among you near Himself—these are dangerous days. Write me, supposing you would not say but K. M.—I am your mindful and affectionate friend,
A. GAIR.
REISGLE, 14th September, 1818.
(7.)
MY DEAR FRIEND,—I am thinking that all my lovers and friends are put far from me, and my acquaintance are in darkness, as my soul is full of troubles, and my life draweth nigh the grave—free from the dead, outwardly and inwardly—outwardly, among dead ministers, dead elders, dead professors, dead means and ordinances, dead brothers and sisters, dead friends and living enemies—inwardly, among dead attainments, dead prayers, dead desires, dead faith, viz., love, hope, fear, charity, tenderness, sympathy, tears, sorrow, grief, mortification, meditation, conviction, compunction. Now, dear friend, so far as I can judge my own state, the above is truth; meantime, I am sensible that these trials must be in my lot to keep down my proud nature and my spiritual pride. “While Antipater kept watch Alexander was safe.” Satan is very envious at our condition—he watches all opportunities to break our peace, to wound our consciences, to lessen our comforts, to impair our graces, to slur our evidences,
* These letters are reprinted by permission from a booklet issued by Mr. C. Mackay, at Kingussie in 1891.
to damp our assurances. If the devil cannot raze the foundation-stone, he will use all means to throw the cope-stone down; he has his golden baits everywhere; he makes his bitter sweet, as he did at first in Eden. I must conclude with our Saviour’s last command—watch and pray, pray and watch. These are dangerous days. The divisions of Reuben are upon the pinnacles. There are disputings and angry arguments in our days about false teachers and profane followers; there is a general cry, not without reason, against carnal gospellers; but oh, how few are our tears for a sight of the beloved Jesus! how few are our prayers from fear of being unconverted, and not ingrafted in the true vine as fruitful branches! I am afraid we are, like Saul, “hid among the stuff” of Bellarmin’s horned arguments. Our day’s profession is like Jeroboam’s coat—rent in twelve pieces—not like Christ’s coat.
ALEXANDER GAIR.
GOLSPIE, 29th February, 1820.
(8.)
MY DEAR FRIEND,—My backwardness in all duties, incumbent upon me towards my friends and enemies, hurts me, when my conscience and the word of testimony bear record against my carnal mind and brutish heart. I feel now by experience the result of sleep and slumber upon the bed of carnal security. On this bed I dreamed of golden apples and silver grapes, which fed my vagrant fancy, brought my soul to a famishing state, and made me a captive to the tyrant unbelief, that blindfolds my understanding, and renders all duties burdensome, and all promises dry breasts. If I am not deluded, I think I may say with Pharaoh’s butler, “I do remember my faults this day.” My young days are a terror to me. I read them more clearly now, than I did when I acted the mad youth upon Satan’s stage. The law brought me off this stage outwardly, and the law nailed me on it inwardly—Rom. 7th chapter. I thought myself a saint when I dismounted the first stage, and Satan and his emissaries—the belly-god ministers, the Doeg elders, and the cursed Gehasi catechists—helped my proud heart to worship the image, and bow to Baal. I was then brought to my inward state, to my mortification. I thought I was converted now undoubtedly. Satan and God’s people made a Capernaum of me, and my own heart made me believe that I had heaven on my finger ends. There was not a duty performed without a promise bought—bartering heaven—till at last Babel tower came to the cope-stone; but oh! oh! how I crucified the sweet, lovely Jesus when I was a heaven in my own eyes, but now I am a black hell on earth. I have three hells, three devils, three hearts, three laws, three covenants, and three lords, at this time. My present situation is agreeable and disagreeable—a heaven and a hell—a devil and a saint. I get drops of honey, and cups of wormwood. I am like Mahomet’s
coffin hung between two loadstones, the one pulling down, the other keeping up. The devil is keeping me down, and Christ is keeping up—glory to Him that hath the upper hand. Remember me if you can. I have many trials outwardly and inwardly. Will you make mention of me to Peter Stuart? I am in haste, the bearer is going away, and I must stop, ashamed for sending this baffle.—I am, my dear friend, your dear friend,
ALEX. GAIR.
REISGLE, 22nd March, 1820.
(To be continued.)