Written by herself some years before her death, and now taken from her original Copy with great care and diligence.
“Come and hear, all ye that fear God, and I will declare what he hath done for my soul.”—PSALM lxvi. 16.
“As we have heard, so have we seen in the city of the Lord of Hosts.”—PSALM xlviii. 8.
“Beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image, from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.”—2 COR. iii. 18.
(Continued from vol. xxv., page 374.)
A FEW days thereafter, the Lord gave to me the light of His countenance, and with it He sent the rod on my body, which was both undesirable as to its nature, and dangerous as to its effects: upon this there were several words sent unto me with power, such as, “Who is a God like unto thee, wonderful in counsel, great in power, terrible in working, and doing wonders?” Those words were with me until I saw them all made out; and I was made with submission to say, “The cup that infinite wisdom and love had mixed, why should I refuse to drink it?” So I went on for the space of two months, rejoicing in what God allowed me of the light of His countenance, although the rod was made more and more heavy.
So it came to pass that through length of time the rod came to such a height that it rendered me unfit for all duty; yet the more the rod increased, the greater were the manifestations of Divine love. The continuance of the rod confused my natural spirits, and unfitted me for duty, so that I could neither read, pray, nor hear the Word preached; but unbelief began to reason thus, How thought I to win to heaven, when I could do nothing as means to take me there? Yet when unbelief was reasoning, there came an immediate breathing of the Spirit of faith that raised up my soul, and I said I believed, although I should perform no more duties, yet my glorious Redeemer was able to take me to glory.
But when the rod continued to press thus heavy, my parents and others would have me to use means to have it removed, and the sixth command also told me that God had commanded the use of means for the health of the body, as well as for the soul; so the first thing that was applied, with a design to have the rod removed, was remarkably blest for its removal, and so that same day that the rod was removed I was deprived of the bright blinks of divine love and sweet breathings of the Spirit.
Oh, how my conscience smote me, and my former request to God came in my mind; which was, if He would mark my sins with a stroke, He would let it be on my body, and not upon my soul, and that He would give me the light of His countenance, and do with my body what He pleased; but now, alas! He was gone, He was gone! and I was ashamed to seek the countenance of my Redeemer any more.
Oh, how I cried out and said, “What good will my health do me, when my Beloved is withdrawn, and hath hid His face from me? for His presence is my heaven, and His absence is my hell; my life lies in His favour, and my health in the light of His countenance.” Thus ended the twenty-fourth year of my life.
After this I went in the bitterness of my soul for several days, lamenting my sad loss. Oh, now I saw the second part of the similitude formerly mentioned made out, for my light, compared to the sun in summer, was now under a cloud, yet I was made to believe that it was to shine again, but in a way different from what I had formerly enjoyed; but how this would be, I could not understand as yet.
And so I came under the consideration of the rod I had been under, and I found it had left a sad print behind it upon my natural faculties, and particularly a weakness in my judgment and memory by what formerly I had found, although I had been but half a year under it; yet I thought if it had been continued but a very few weeks longer, it would have rendered me unfit for serving God, or yet my generation. On this consideration, I found it was my duty to use lawful means for the recovery of my body from so great a stroke.
After this, I went on still lamenting my sad loss, drawing the sad conclusion that I would not get one blink of my glorious Redeemer’s face this side eternity.
Oh, this bred impatient longing for death, and made me think a day as a week, and a week like a month, and a month like a year, and a year as an age; and so I cried out, “Oh, time, time, fly away, and oh, death, when wilt thou come, that I may be put in capacity to see and enjoy my glorious Redeemer!”
One day, when I was thus longing for death, I was in a place where a burial was going by. I looked to the corpse, and turning mine eyes to heaven, I charged myself before God, and said, “Believe that one day thou wilt die, and go as that person is going.” Oh, how low was my faith brought by reason of this impatient longing for death.
On another day, I was in meditation on blessed eternity, and on those glorious mysteries the soul will be allowed to behold and enjoy after death.
And while I was beholding, and longing to be there, that word came to me with such power as if God had called to me out of heaven, “Your time is always ready, but my time is not yet come” (John vii. 8), which gave me a sad challenge for my impatient longing for death.
After this I resolved to try a life of faith by the Gospel; and, alas! in the place I then lived I had never got outgate by the Gospel there dispensed. And although about a year ago I thought I got a particular call as from the Lord to remove from that place, yet still I delayed to answer the same, because I then apprehended it was unreasonable; but necessity at length constrained me to leave my parents, the doing of which was very exercising to my mind. And that which greatly added to my difficulty was this, my body was brought low by indisposition, and so rendered unfit to gain my daily bread. Upon which, sense, together with unbelief, said I behoved to have food and raiment, and the laws of God and man required the use of lawful means to obtain it. And while I was thus struggling with sense and reason, these words were sent to me with power, “Be careful for nothing . . . for he careth for you” (Phil. iv. 6; 1 Peter v. 7). “O ye of little faith, doth your Father feed the beasts of the field, and clothe the lilies and grass which are in the field? will he not feed and clothe you?” (Luke xii. 24-28). By these Scriptures my faith was much strengthened, and I was thereby encouraged to answer the call against all opposition.
There were several things fell out that cleared my way in answering this call, particularly the minister of the parish wherein I lived; I may say I could never profit by his ministry, and instead of healing I have been more and more wounded.
One time in particular, he was preaching on the covenant of grace, but what he advanced on that subject I could not join with, being contrary to what the Lord had made me experience of the freedom and fulness of His covenant; but at this time the Lord mercifully ordered in His wise providence that the minister went from home for some time, and so next Sabbath I went to hear a neighbouring minister, who was directed to preach upon the same text and subject, and by his sermon my experiences were cleared up, and I was more confirmed, from the Word of the Lord, in the former views I had gotten of God’s covenant. And so I came away confirmed of my hope on the same foundation; blessing God for that sermon, and admiring His wise and wonderful providence in bringing me to hear it; resolving no more to try either my state or my case by my own minister’s doctrine. Several other passages there were to this purpose, which shall not here be inserted.
(To be continued.)