(Continued from p. 32.)
AFTER this I began to reflect on the Lord’s visits to me, and of His withdrawing from me again; and when I was meditating, that passage was brought to my mind concerning the spies that were sent to search the promised land; some of them brought not only a good report, but also some of the fruits of the land. This I may allude to, that when the Lord draweth near to my soul, faith and love are like those spies, who leap over, as it were, into the promised land, and bring good reports of the land, with a part of the fruits, as an earnest of the full possession. This is like the white stone, and the new name that none know but they who receive it.—Rev. ii. 17.
My recording the Lord’s visits to my soul is to me like the pot of manna that Israel laid up for a memorial before the Lord; so I desire to remember what He hath made known to me and done for me, as a memorial of His goodness, to His praise and glory, but not to my own.
There fell out a providence that was a great trial and exercising to me. I left some passages of my life, that I had writ in my young days, together with my clothes, in a Christian friend’s house, and while they lay there, it fell out in providence that a fire broke out in a neighbouring house, which occasioned the carrying-out of all that was in my friend’s house, and what belonged to me among the rest, at which time these experiences of mine, so many as were then writ, were copied, and so went abroad unknown to me, and were hid from me for the space of twelve years. I having got my own copy with my clothes, never thought that any had known of it, until some strangers, whom I never knew before, came and told me. Upon this I was surprised with amazement and confusion, so that I could not get it borne; and these reasons were weighty on my mind:—1. That what was recorded there, I never told mortal of, and was fully of the mind to have kept these secrets between God and my own soul. 2. I having lived so long among the brute creatures, without either Christian converse or hearing of the Gospel, as also the want of education, I had so ordered things that others could not understand them according to my own meaning; and some expressions would seem at least very unguarded, on which account I was persuaded religion would be exposed to ridicule and reproach. 3. Those copies, in many expressions, differed from mine, for my write being so bad, none could copy it according to my meaning. This hath exceedingly wronged both truth and me.
This will oblige me to let my original copy stand as a witness against those incorrect copies that are gone abroad. This I am constrained to do, although I was fully resolved to have buried this original in my own day. Not that I think that some of those more uncommon experiences were delusions, so as to be ashamed of them; but, all along, I never had freedom to discover the secrets of religion to the world. The Lord knows I never loved to make appearance this way.
The consideration of these reasons, and others I forbear to mention, raised such a storm of confusion in my mind, that thereby my sleep went from me in so great measure, for fifteen months, that few would credit how little sleep I got. During this time unbelief and temptation did much prevail, for the enemy suggested that I had disgraced religion by exposing it to ridicule and contempt. I was also tempted to go to a desert, and there to live as a hermit, and so break up correspondence with all living. I was also tormented with the fears of the sad effects of so long a want of sleep, and vexation of mind.
But glory to a sovereign, merciful and gracious God, in my dear Redeemer, who hath all along my life appeared for my relief, and made my extremity always His opportunity, in a seasonable appearance for me. And in His appearance for me at this time, He sent that word with power and light into my mind, “For so He giveth His beloved sleep.”—(Ps. cxxvii. 2). With this blessed promise, there came a composing virtue along with it, and I was helped to believe and pray for sleep.
At this time I heard a lecture on the first chapter to the Hebrews, and particularly on the second verse, where Christ is brought in as the heir of all things; on which it is observed, that He layeth a ground for His people to seek every necessary thing that they stand in need of, by which I was encouraged to believe that, seeing He was the heir of all things, He would not withhold so necessary a thing from me that I could not live without, viz., sleep.
After this I got refreshing sleep, and so I came to consider how to get my mind reconciled with the providence that had been so exercising to me. And here I observe, that until the Lord sent a humbling and subduing power, by which I was made to submit to the will of providence, I could do nothing but fret and repine against the Lord, and the instruments that copied these experiences of my life. And here I remark—1. That He that knoweth all things, knows I had no hand, directly or indirectly, in making my copy known to the world. 2. I was helped to pray and believe that the same God, who had, in His providence, permitted this to fall out, would so order it in His infinite wisdom as to preserve religion from being disgraced by it. 3. I saw the devil and unbelief made liars, who all along, through my want of sleep, tormented me with fears of my head going wrong; but, blessed be the Lord, all my natural faculties have been, and yet are, as distinct as ever. 4. I was helped to go to God by prayer, and after this manner I expressed myself: That as He had in His love, mercy, and mere good pleasure, chosen me out of the quarry of black nature, and hath brought me into a state of grace and reconciliation, so now I desire anew to make a surrender and resignation of myself, my name, and all that concerns me, for time and eternity, to the keeping and conduct of that sovereign grace manifested in Christ. 5. I got a renewed discovery of the virtue of the death of Christ, and was enabled to believe and apply the same for the pardon of all the sins I had committed while under the bygone trials.
There were some things discovered to me at this time I had not noticed formerly, and so I saw that, by faith looking to the death of Christ, the power of sin is more broken, and the evils of sin more wasted or done away, than by any means or duties whatsoever, and so I believed that, by virtue of the death of Christ, sin will be utterly extinguished out of the soul at death.
And while I was in meditation on these things, my soul was so captivated with the faith’s views of the love and glory of Christ, that I was allowed, as it were, to swim in His infinite fulness and grace for some hours; but what I enjoyed here I will neither word nor write, for come and see will best declare it. But alas! there was a turning back of my soul, and a stripping out of this enjoyment; yet there was a part of a wrestling spirit allowed me for myself and for the generation, and I was helped to spread the libel of my own and the generation’s guilt, with the present case of the Church of Scotland, before a mercy-seat and throne of grace.
And when I was thus making my supplication, the third of Jeremiah was brought to my mind, and so I compared the case of that people and our case together, and was strengthened to pray and believe that the same unchangeable God, that dealt so with Israel and Judah, and manifested such sovereign grace to them, might so do to the Church of Scotland. Also the fourteenth of Hosea was laid before me with application to the case in hand. Oh! thought I, if but a remnant of ministers and Christians would join hand, and do something in order to testify against the wrongs done to Christ, both as to doctrine, discipline, and government of His house, who can tell what sovereign God-like steps may yet be made in our case, for as wrath-like as it is at the time. And that which Mordecai said to Esther, “That though she should hold her peace, there should come deliverance to the Jews.”—(Esther iv. 14.) From this, and other things which I forbear to mention, I am persuaded that there is a remnant in this church and land, to whom the Lord will be gracious, and though those who have the power in their hands should do nothing for the Lord’s work, yet God, in His time and way, will bring about a reviving to His work, and a deliverance to His church, although we should go to Babylon before we be delivered; for since ever the Lord made me concerned for Zion, He persuaded me from His word of His relation and good-will to the Church of Scotland; and I think I would count it the greatest honour and pleasure I am capable of in this world to get liberty of soul and enlargement of heart to wear my knees and tongue in supplications for the Churches of Christ, but especially the Church of Scotland. The Lord knows my life is like a death when this hope is shaken.
As for reflections on the fore-mentioned trial—1. I see that something uncommon has been mixed in my lot, and the Lord’s way with me along my life, for which I cannot account, but I desire to lay all at mercy’s feet, till Infinite Wisdom see fit to unriddle the dark scene of His providence, and make me to understand His mind in them. 2. I see an insufficiency in creature-help, and those that I expected sympathy from were made instruments of my greatest trial. 3. I see a glory in this, the less of the creature, the more of God. 4. I see there is a necessity of stripping me out of all human help, in order to the manifesting the glory of the divine perfections, in carrying me through my trials and giving me an outgate from them. 5. I see there is new scenes of mercy, grace, and love to be manifested in Christ to the soul in the turn of every difficulty. So it pleased the Lord to end this year with three months of more than ordinary allowances. Thus passed the forty-and-seventh year of my life, being the year 1731.
The uncorrect copies of my younger years’ experiences, according to my information, being now gone abroad in the hands of severals, being so great a trial to me, as above recorded, I resolved that I would write no more. In this resolve I continued for some time, but as to this resolution, I am persuaded the enemy had a great hand, for I found myself at a great disadvantage on the following reasons:—1. As to anything I met with, whenever the impressions went off I forgot it. 2. I found a heedless, lazy temper of spirit prevailing, and like to overcome me; yet I came to be resolved that I would record somewhat of the Lord’s way with me. Yet as to what passed in that time, as to my exercise, namely, from the year 1731 to the year 1736, I cannot give a full account of it.
(To be continued.)