Period II — From twelve years of age to twenty-four.
When about twelve years of age, I was called to a family for the purpose of teaching the children to read, for at that time I was sufficiently qualified to read the Bible. This family into which I came was singular for every species of wickedness, each one of its members exceeding the other in cursing, swearing, and other vices, with the exception of the mistress, who, I believe, feared the Lord. She was like Lot in Sodom: for every thing that looked like seriousness was ridiculed and set at nought.
I was scarcely a month in this family when I learned to speak the language of Ashdod; yea, in a short time I exceeded every one of themselves, so much so, that I could not speak without uttering oaths and imprecations: and my conscience being lulled into a sleep, I sinned without restraint, except occasionally, when I would think of death; then I would become dejected and sad, concluding that I was undone, and that to refrain from sin now was unavailing. To relieve my mind from this despondency, I would set the evil day far away, and take comfort from the distance I conceived it to be from me.
It happened, however, one Sabbath night that the mistress of the house began to exhort us, and to speak of a judgment to come. Hearing these things, like Felix, I trembled, my former fears revived, especially when she began to describe the manner of the day of judgment and of the coming of Christ: namely, that He would in a moment break out of the third heavens, attended with power and great glory; and that it was the opinion of some divines, that this would take place upon a Sabbath night and in the winter season; and that some time before He would appear there would be great thunder and lightning with much hail.
All this I heard with great attention, and my conscience gnawed me bitterly for my cursing, swearing, Sabbath-breaking, and other sins. I endeavoured, however, to comfort myself in the thought that the time in which all this would happen, was far distant.
But that night after we had gone to bed there came on the greatest storm of thunder, lightning, and hail, of which I have any recollection; and the windows being open, the hail poured into the room, while its walls were incessantly brightened by the vivid flashes of lightning. I trembled with apprehension that this was the beginning of sorrow, for every thing came to pass after the description the mistress had previously been giving; and the unfrequency of such storms in the winter season, confirmed me the more in my opinion, that it was the last day indeed. My trembling increased to such a degree, as to attract the attention of my companions who were in bed with me, who inquired the cause of my uneasiness; to which I answered, that the day of judgment was come, adding, at the same time, what would we do? They mocked me for my cowardice, and said that it was not. Yet I could not believe them, for I looked every moment that Christ would appear and cry to the dead to rise.
O how happy I thought I would be if I could but lie under the ruins of the house, so that I might be hid from the face of the Judge! O the horror that siezed me! And repentance I thought was too late. I remembered part of Mr Gray’s sermon, in which he describes the torments of the damned, and the consternation in which they shall be at the coming of Christ. O I thought if I had my life to begin again, how I should read, and pray, and keep the Sabbath! but alas! I was too late. A little after this, however, the tempest began to abate, and I was exceeding glad for space to repent of my sins, if so be there might be repentance for me; and heartily resolved against my sins, but my resolutions were soon at an end; for in less than eight days I was just what I was before. “When he slew them, then they sought him, and they returned and enquired early after God.” (Psalms 78: 34).
I remained in this family five months, and increased daily in sinful practices. I remember my being, one day while here, with some other people in a boat, upon a large loch, which was at some little distance, and where to all appearance, in consequence of a great storm which arose, we were in danger of being drowned; but the Lord who is kind to the unthankful brought us safe to land, after we had despaired of our lives. “Let favour be shewed to the wicked, yet will he not learn righteousness, and will not behold the majesty of the Lord.” (Isaiah 26: 10).
Soon after this I came home to my father’s house, with whom I lived for some time. Here I was obliged to abandon my cursing and swearing; especially when in my father’s presence; but no sooner could I get out of his sight, than I was as bad as before.
About this time I met with a remarkable providence which I will here relate. Having gone with some other children to bathe in a river which was at some distance from my father’s house, I went too near the deep, and the sand being loose gave way under me. Finding myself sinking in the water I cried for help, which the other children not being able to give, and seeing my perilous situation, all fled for fear, except a little girl who remained on the bank of the river crying for assistance, but could herself render none. And if the Lord, who has the seas and the winds at his command, had not appeared for my deliverance, I would certainly have perished in the stream. But the Lord in His adorable providence caused the current of the water to drive me near the shore, when the little girl who stood all the time at the river’s side, having got a hay rake laid hold of me and dragged me out of the water.
In a short time I recovered my senses, and was able to go home. Yet all these remarkable providences were never laid to heart by me; but I still continued as before. “I have guided thee though thou hast not known me.”
When I was about fourteen years of age, I went to Stirling, where I remained for some time with Mr R.D. While with him, I fell sick of a fever, and death beginning to stare me in the face, all my sins came fresh into my mind. Language would fail me in describing the anguish of my soul at this time; my bodily trouble was great; yet it was as nothing when compared to the trouble of my soul. A man will sustain his infirmities, but a wounded spirit who can bear? I looked for no mercy from God, since I had been disobedient all my days. O but the issues of sin lay heavy on my conscience! Then I prayed to the Lord that He would spare me that I might have space to repent; and began to make vows and to bind myself to serve the Lord, if He should spare me: and it pleased the Lord to grant me deliverance from this sickness, and to bring me again from the gates of death.
But I was scarcely recovered from my sickness, when I turned sick of my vows. “Nevertheless they flattered him with their mouths; for their heart was not right with him, neither were they steadfast in his covenant.” (Psalms 78: 36, 37).
Not long after this I met with a book called “Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners”. The title page suited me very well, for I thought that was surely I. In reading this book I found that its author had been a great sinner, and yet obtained mercy. Then I said, peradventure the Lord will be merciful to me also, since mercy is offered to the chief of sinners. This encouraged me greatly to go to the Lord in prayer and confess my sins; in doing which, I found such great meltings of heart, that sometimes I would be in a flood of tears, and resolved never to forsake the Lord all my days. I thought that Scripture, “My grace shall be sufficient for thee,” made a sweet impression on my mind. These affections, however, continued but for a season, for afterwards, both to my own apprehension and to that of those who knew me, and who despaired of my conversion and the sufficiency of God’s grace towards me, they ceased to affect my heart and my actions; yet I trust in the Lord who hath in his own time made the sufficiency of His grace appear to me in a remarkable manner (and it is upon the sufficiency of His grace alone that I desire to depend, and not upon anything done by me or wrought in me by His grace), the grace that is in Christ Jesus is that in which I desire to trust.
As far as I can remember I continued in this way of duty for three months, and took great delight in good books, to which I had ample access as well as time to peruse them, in the family in which I lived; but some books, such as Romances and Play-books, which had a very different tendency, fell into my hands: and in a little time I began to lose any relish I had for reading good books, and to spend my time wholly in reading works of fiction and frivolous amusement, by which I became neglectful of prayer, and turned seven times worse than before. My old habits of swearing and other secret sins also revived, and I took great delight in telling idle tales to those with whom I associated, which gave me such a habit of lying, that rather than want stories of that kind I would endeavour to invent them myself, which practice ultimately led me to such an awful state that I could scarcely speak a word of truth.
I was now become openly profane, and so dreadful was the custom of swearing I had acquired, that I could not even walk the way alone without cursing those who had become the objects of my animosity, because I could get no other revenge. I remained here for two years, and notwithstanding all my unparalleled provocations, must remark the Lord’s kindness to me during that period. First, in recovering me to perfect health and strength after I had been at the gates of death. And secondly, another act of divine providence towards me: — One day as I was coming up one of the streets, there was a drunken soldier going before me, whom some boys were annoying by throwing an old rag in his face. When I saw him, being ignorant of what the boys had been previously doing to him, I heedlessly took up the rag to cast it out of the way, which he seeing, and thinking that I was one of those who had been throwing it at him, he drew his bayonet and ran after me. Having no other place of safety to betake myself to, I went into a close, and just as I was entering and he about to thrust his weapon through me, the Lord, in His adorable providence, ordered it so that he fell headlong and for some time lay in a state of insensibility, by which I was enabled to escape.
A third instance of God’s providence towards me while in this place, I must not omit recording here. While coming one rainy day in the month of November from Edinburgh, and having made some stay on the way, I was benighted at Falkirk. When I came to the River Carron, I rashly entered the ford without considering the great quantity of rain which had fallen during the day: but no sooner did I get into the middle of the current, than the horse I had under me began to lose his footing, and the night being exceedingly dark I was at a loss whether I should go forward or return; upon consideration, however, I returned and crossed by the bridge which was at a little distance, and thus got home in safety. The first intelligence I received thereafter was, that a man had been drowned that night in attempting to cross by the same ford on horseback.
I went from Stirling to Edinburgh, where I remained six months with Mr S. Here I added to all my former wickedness, for I met with corrupted youths like myself, and we added one sin to another; and in whatever actions we were employed I was almost the foremost man. Yet, even in the midst of my foolish merriment, I had great awakenings of conscience, and greatly dreaded the wrath of God; but thought it was in vain to repent. “Thou saidst, There is no hope, no; for I have loved strangers and after them will I go.” (Jer. 2: 25).