OCTOBER 9th, 1859.—With a mind often averse to think of God, and ever too ready to run out after vanity, I continually come short of what I might do or what I might attain to. I make but little progress in knowledge of the way of leading a life of faith. A single day does not pass in which I do not allow my mind to engage in things which profit nothing, and what is worse, often preferring that state to the way plainly pointed out by my own conscience and the Word of God.
11th.—This day have I again to make another entry here of my foolishness and sinful compliance in a matter which, as a follower of Jesus, I ought not to allow. Yet on this day also I have read and been able to contemplate with delight some portions of God’s Word. God is truth, and is as a great rock, however far we may wander from the right path. He is ever to be found steadfast and immovable in His Word and promise, ready to help and succour those who come to Him aright—who come in the name of Jesus.
25th.—I cannot see the death and righteousness of Christ to be mine, now as I did of late, nor can I call God Father in my prayers, nor have I experienced any joy now these several days. Yet I know I shall yet enjoy the light of His countenance again, and then will I ask for eyes to see, and for more faith and spiritual life, of which there seems to be none except when looking to Jesus.
November 7th.—I see myself, on account of sin, to be nothing, and to be able to do no good thing. I can neither think nor act in a manner at all becoming or consistent with my profession as a Christian. Yet am I conscious that God is inviting me to come to Him, and access to His presence is offered, and thence come some flashes of light and joy to visit my darkened soul.
27th.—I am still almost without light from above, and am guilty of heartless neglect of duty to my Saviour. I detest myself, I know not what to write, I am so bad in heart. I am wearied opposing its foolish desires. In this state it sends forth hourly swarms of vain thoughts, vanity after vanity, worldly mindedness, doubts, despondency, each in its turn claiming sway. Hopeless task to bring order out of this confusion. This tide of evil bears all before it. Whatever good things I may have enjoyed, or may yet enjoy, are as surely the gifts and graces and work of the Spirit of Christ, as that the light cometh from the sun, for in myself there is no good whatever. Surely all His goodness will not be lost on this ungrateful and evil nature of mine. My faith might surely be strengthened by the recollection of His gracious dealings with my soul in those days when all was bright and joyful by His grace and presence. Now He seems to hide His face, and there is nothing but dreary darkness and misery. I long for God’s favour that I may be reconciled to Him. I know He is ready and willing to help, but I cannot find Him, who by one ray of His reconciled countenance could turn all this darkness into light.
December 3rd.—Being conscious of exercising a little faith, I find it tells on the soul by producing peace and joy unfelt before, and but for former experience not even understood.
4th.—I now know I am helped of God, for I find in my heart a steadfast trusting in Him, and the constant accompaniment of joy, and love of Christ, joy matchless and great and sweet. I can abandon all over to Him, and in peace repose in His grace without the least fear of how I shall be dealt with in time to come. Christ is altogether lovely. His love is infinitely dearer than all the most refined joys the world has, or ever can have to give. I find access to God in prayer, encouraging, kind, and inviting, when I think of that promise, “If ye shall ask anything in my name, I will do it.” This is one of the greatest things in the Christian life, viz., praying in Christ’s name. If I may call it an attainment, it is one of the highest. There is a simplicity and a depth here that thousands seem never to dream of, but to the Spirit-taught Christian, it is as a well giving out the water of life continually, a patient way of deriving untold comfort and a wealth of blessings.
January 22nd, 1860.—When I look back on the condition of mind in which I was about a year ago, I can honestly say it is much better now, though I see my nothingness and helplessness. I am assured of God’s goodness, and great kindness and readiness through Christ, to give me all I require.
28th.—To-day I experience the goodness of the Lord, for with joy and gladness have I been enabled to make my prayer for those things I need, having in some measure felt that Jesus is formed within me, being enabled to put on His righteousness. I know that my prayer has been heard and accepted, being offered in the name of Jesus. Every word seemed to leave my lips, as if it came from the Spirit of Christ. This is a mystery to all who never experienced its truth, but to one who has tried and tested its astonishing power, it is simple and reasonable, being the dealings of God with the soul, and often clearly and plainly bears the mark of His own peculiar work; there is nothing else like it. How watchful I ought to be that I live constantly in the blessedness of this condition. It seems as if the honour of my Saviour were in some degree in my keeping. May I be faithful and careful that I grieve not His good Spirit, and take warning from past experience in which I have found, that before and after seasons of spiritual attainment, temptations and failures are frequent. Almighty Father, draw me unto Thy Son, unite my soul unto Him, and teach me to live, move, speak, and think, that all I do may be done through Him, and look for no gift, blessing or grace, but by Him. May His will be done, and may I be dealt with after His wisdom and goodness.
29th.—To some extent am I enabled to trust the providence of God in regard to myself. I experience a calm, kindly, powerful influence, drawing and teaching me to trust in the goodness and providence of God, inspiring me with the assurance that my
temporal concerns are as much in His hands as are my spiritual, and that all His gifts and blessings are to be sought for by faith, and that in accordance with my faith shall His gifts be. There are many things laid up to be given as soon as I shall have faith to draw them down. What untold pleasure and enjoyment there is in the assurance that there is a Being infinite in goodness, kindness, love and mercy; ruling and watching over all things. I do this day rejoice in God. His name is heaven to me. The most glorious excellence, pleasures incomparable are felt in thinking of Him. No delights or joys will for a moment compare with those which the soul feels when God reveals Himself to it, for He is seen to be love. There is such a combination of all that is glorious and adorable, that all who see Him thus, must worship Him and love Him with all their heart, soul, and strength. And this glorious Being is the Father of my Lord, my Friend, my Saviour, who has given His life, and has left His Spirit to guide those who believe in Him into eternal life. Strong faith is found only in union to Christ. When I feel in prayer that my words are His words, I cannot doubt but that they are heard and accepted. May I at all times be guided and saved from my own weak and evil heart.
30th.—The way of the world, its customs and laws, are ever freshly insinuating themselves into my thoughts, often in the eve of getting undue hold of me again. As I am alone, I have no strength, things present seem strong and formidable until past or overcome, then they are but little. By the grace of God only can I live a spiritual life.
February 10th.—A day or two ago I felt conscious of some power motioning my inclinations to communion with Christ, but instead of yielding, to my shame I attended not, and for the poor reason that I was at the time engaged in some study. When I had finished, I intended to turn my attention to devotion, but when I put away the book I was reading, the good frame of mind was gone and could not be recalled. The same comforting views of Jesus, the joyousness of spirit which I had an hour ago was departed, and when I did attend to devotion all was dry and barren.
15th.—I experience a feeling of gladness at the view that God is the maker and owner of all things, the giver of every good and perfect gift. And by His power they all endure, and continue to bear the stamp of His laws. If my soul has been, and still is under the influence of His grace, this must have been effected at His command, and must be one of His works. Why then should it fail any more than any other work in nature? His word is all-sufficient to create, it is also all-sufficient to uphold, and will continue to perform the good work which He has begun.
March 5th.—I am painfully sensible that I am unable to do anything really good. I cannot keep my thoughts from wandering away from God do as I will. I must continually watch, and every day go to Him to be helped, and have my mind impressed with trust in His promises, and His goodness on all occasions.
April.—I have for some days back found great peace and satisfaction from trust in God. I experience a lively joy in considering that all concerning me is under the guidance of a Being unchanging in holiness, justice, goodness, and mercy. I rejoice that He is almighty and infinite, and with entire confidence do I commit all my affairs unto His care.
May 20th.—I love to look on the trees, green fields, and this vast and solid earth, the mighty sun in his glory giving forth light and heat far and wide. My soul starts with surprise, and enjoys a stronger and fresher belief in His being, wisdom, and power. It reads in these things mighty evidences of eternal truth and unchanging purpose. I have had evidence too of His love, and why should I ever doubt it will fail, any more than that He should fail to maintain any other work which He has made.
24th.—I have in some measure again been enabled this day to see and feel the goodness of God, and find access to Him through Christ. There is no approaching the throne of God but through Him. The prayers I make I am enabled to offer in the name of Jesus. That name carries with it strong assurance. No sooner are the words uttered than they are carried away to the ear of God who, I know, certainly doth regard them with unspeakable kindness. O that I always had this grace to see my Saviour as now, His glorious work being revealed to my mental vision. This faith sanctifies and gives peace to the conscience, and offers before God that well-pleasing righteousness of His dear Son, the only way in which He can be glorified by us.