(WRITTEN BY HER OWN HAND.)
“Oh how great is thy goodness, which thou hast laid up for them that fear thee; which thou hast wrought for them that trust in thee before the sons of men.”—Psalms xxxi. 19.
“Come and hear, all ye that fear God, and I will declare what he hath done for my soul.”—Psalms lxvi. 16.
THOUGH I cannot tell the time and place, when and where the Lord did me first good; yet this I know, that He began with me very early, when I was young in years, to incline my heart to seek the Lord. I wanted not good education from my mother, and likewise from my aunt, who was a godly woman, and took much pains on me. When I was conversing with my comrades, I would be telling them what my mother was saying to me, that if I were good, I would get to heaven. Now, thought I, heaven is such a place, where I would get fine clothes, and every thing that was brave and bonny. This so allured me, that I could been content to do anything to get to heaven: I resolved, I would neither swear nor lie, nor do anything that was ill: but I would pray and seek the Lord, then I would be sure to get to heaven; yet I found a strong inclination in my heart to break all my resolutions: for the first temptation that came in my way to sin, I embraced it cheerfully. I was extraordinarily given to play of all sorts, which took my heart wholly up, so that I thought it a melancholy thing to be religious; but when I had gone to my bed, I would think, what if I go to hell, where I will never come out? That word never, wrought strongly upon me; but the remedy I took to still my conscience was, I would say my prayers I learned at school; then I was well enough. I cannot distinctly give an account how I spent my time: for some years I satisfied myself with the Pharisee’s religion, that I was not so ill as others; but, in the Lord’s own time, when He was pleased to send the gospel among us at the Revolution, then I began more serious-like to seek the Lord; I left off my form of prayer, and betook me to another way which I thought would please God better. I was for a considerable time under the ministry of Mr. William Erskine: all that I can observe, during the time he preached among us, was, that I attained to a great delight in hearing the word, which wrought upon my affections, that I durst not neglect secret prayer; where sometimes I would be very tender, and shed some tears, then I thought there was no doubt but I was converted. It pleased the Lord to remove this faithful servant by death.
Then I frequently heard great Mr. James Kirkton with a great deal of delight ; for his sermons were very taking and good for the memory ; the which I had been telling to others, they commended me ; so I gained a great deal of applause with those among whom I conversed. This pleased me extremely, though I knew never what it was to make application of anything I heard. O how great reason have I to wonder and admire at the goodness of the Lord that did not send me to the pit in this selfish condition ! seeking justification by works, never remembering what I was by nature. In this case I remained until it pleased the Lord to send Mr. George Meldrum to be our minister, in place of Mr. William Erskine, who was the Lord’s messenger to me indeed. The first time I heard him I thought I felt something I never felt before, but knew not what it was ; that word was made out to me, Hos. xi. 1, 2, 3. He preached on these words, Joshua xxiv. 15, “Choose you this day whom you will serve.” Where he besought us earnestly, with tears, that we should choose presently whom we should serve. He said, “Many will say, I will do that afterwards ; but few will say, I will choose presently.” He protested, he would not go out of the pulpit till we would give our consent presently to the bargain without delay. If I right remember, this was the first time that ever I could observe the Lord speaking to me in public. At this time I thought the Lord made me willing in a day of His power to choose and consent to serve the Lord. O that I may never forget this day !
After this there arose some fears on my spirit, that the Lord did not regard anything I did ; I thought my prayers were lost, for I could observe no answer ; then that word came to me, Heb. xiii. 5, “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” But, I now knowing there was such a word in the Bible, it yieldeth me some small comfort ; this being the first time that ever my ears were opened to hear Christ preached in such a manner as now God eminently helped him to preach and me to hear. At this time he told us, “that our prayers were rejected by God, unless they were at first put into the hand of Jesus Christ ; and that if we had not a saving uptaking of Christ in His natures as God-man, and in His offices as prophet, priest, and king, in every duty, it could not be accepted by God.” Then I was struck with astonishment : for I was persuaded, that never a duty I had performed was accepted ; for I never employed Christ to any. Now it was not in one preaching or two that he delivered these truths, but distinctly he preached on every one of them from several texts of Scriptures ; such as Galatians iv. 4, 5, “But when the fulness of the time was come, God sent forth His Son, made of a woman, made under the law, to redeem them that were under the law, that we might receive the adoption of sons.” Matt. i. 21 ; “And thou shalt call his name Jesus ; for he shall save his people from their sins.” Acts iii. 22, “A prophet shall the Lord your God raise up unto you, like unto me ; him shall ye hear. And whosoever will not hear this prophet shall be cut off from among the people.” Psalm ii. 6, “I have set my king upon my holy hill of Zion.” Heb. vii. 26, “Such an high priest became us, who is holy, harmless, undefiled, and separate from sinners, made higher than the heavens.” O what love and desire was wrought in my heart after Christ, the time that these words were opened up, when I heard what he had done and suffered for poor sinners! yea, Jesus won my heart to Himself by love. Our minister also held forth the sufferings of Christ, from John iii. 14, 15, “As Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, so must the Son of man be lifted up; that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life.” He not only preached to us on the sufferings of Christ, of which I never heard the like before (for I thought every sentence was a wonder, and was backed by the power of God), but also he made offers of that Christ to all that would receive Him; this was the blessedest news that ever I heard. Likewise he offered the cross, with all the circumstances thereof, to every one that had received Christ; to which my heart gave consent to take Christ, with cross and loss whatsoever, and that cheerfully, without any hanker in my heart.
After this I found corruption begin to stir in me; but, whatever troubled me, I got it spoken to on the Sabbath day, which struck me with wonder. I several times resorted to Mr. Meldrum, and told him my case (though very confusedly); his converse to me was both meek and comfortable; but particularly he exhorted me to keep a record of all the Lord’s dealings with my soul (if I could write). I thought this a strange command; but I heard the same exhortation from Mr. John Flint at Lasswade, on these words, Isaiah xiv. 5, “One shall say I am the Lord’s and another shall call himself by the name of Jesus; and another shall subscribe with his hand unto the Lord.” This being on a communion Sabbath, he exhorted every one to write with their hands to be the Lord’s. I would fain have put this exhortation in practice, but knew not how to begin; it being presently before the sacrament in Edinburgh, which was the first after the Revolution, and the first I ever was partaker of.
ON THE FAST DAY.
EDINBURGH, 9th August, 1694.
I am here this day, O Lord to go about a great work, which I am not capable of; therefore I desire Thy assistance. The thing I go to begin with is, to enter into covenant with Thee; and I desire, Lord, that Thou wouldst consent to the bargain. Say not to me, as in Psalm l. 16, “What hast thou to do to take my covenant in thy mouth?” but though Thou shouldst say the same to me Thou art right; but I will plead upon Thy own word, Matt. xi. 28, “Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” O Lord, I know not any thing that is so loading to me as Thy absence, not knowing the cause thereof, and the sin that keeps Thee from covenanting with me. I shall desire to say with Job, xxxiv. 32, “That which I see not, teach thou me; if I have done any iniquity, I will do no more.” O Lord, I have Thy promise, and I will come in Thy favour, and plead that my sins may be blotted out for Christ’s sake; and give me leave to come to Thy holy table, to get my longing desires granted. I take heaven and earth to witness, that I desire Thy love before all the riches in the world: help me this day to prepare for a covenant betwixt me and Thee; for I am very unfit of myself to do this great work: if Thou had not said in Thy word, that all that are willing to come to Thee, Thou art willing to entertain. Now, O Lord, I beg that, in Thy goodness, Thou would have mercy upon me, and let not this be an unfit fast-day; but take glory to Thyself; and be not angry with this that I am writing, for it is to show my willingness to the bargain. O Lord, I beseech Thee, be not approaching to me at Thy table in anger; but in favour bestow Thy mercy on me; yet I think, before Thou be absent at such a time, I would rather Thou would come with rebukes (if not in fury) to me; for I long to be in Thy company. I cannot express my unfitness to come to Thy table, but I will cast myself on Thy mercy, as Queen Esther, when she was going to the king; I will go, and if I perish, it shall be at Thy feet.
The Saturday following, being a day of preparation for the sacrament, when my vows were made, and promises to the Lord;—O Lord, most holy and gracious, to whom all praise is due; I here this day avouch myself to Thee, on the terms of the covenant. Here, O Lord, I intend in Thy strength to walk humbly all the days of my life; as Thou wast humble in all things, both in Thy birth and during Thy abode in this world, so I intend to do; and as Thou wast mocked, bruised, and crucified for my sins, and yet bore it patiently; here I profess I shall be patient in all things Thou castest in my way, be what it will. As Thou wast not angry at them that despised Thee, but prayed for them; so help me never to be angry at anything, though it were ever so great an offence to me, in scoffs and mocks, for Thy name’s sake; except it be that Thou be offended at it! And as Thou walkedst all Thy days in poverty, and not in pomp and honour, who many times wanted where to lodge and lay Thy head; so help me to be content with my lot in this world, were it ever so mean; if Thou be my portion, I have enough. I here this day promise to renounce all lusts and idols, and give my heart to Thee; all which I shall seal to-morrow at Thy table.
(To be Continued.)
Obituary Note.
We regret to record this month the death of Jessie Macleod, Strathy Point, Sutherlandshire, an aged Christian woman, long confined to bed, but much esteemed for her spiritual, exercised character by a wide circle of friends. A light has gone out on earth that will be greatly missed. A fuller sketch will appear in an early issue.