(WRITTEN BY HER OWN HAND.)
“Oh how great is thy goodness, which thou hast laid up for them that fear thee; which thou hast wrought for them that trust in thee before the sons of men.”—Psalm xxxi. 19.
“Come and hear, all ye that fear God, and I will declare what he hath done for my soul.”—Psalm lxxi. 16.
(Continued from page 58.)
January 1st, 1695.
I was with them in the morning, where they were conversing about the love of Christ: this wrought a strong desire in me again to know more of this Jesus. Alas! I was perfectly ignorant; I came home, but O, I would fain been at Christ’s school to learn the first lesson of religion; for I thought I was nothing but an hypocrite, and that all the promises I had got were upon condition that I should walk up according to my receipts of mercies; and as far as I came short, the promises were not to be made out to me: then that word came to my mind, where Moses was reproving the chiding of the children of Israel; he tells them from the Lord, “That because they had not walked in the ways of the Lord, therefore they should know his breach of promise.” Then I thought this message was expressly to me, which increased my trouble; thinking now, God is at enmity with me, none of the promises belong to me. In this case I remained till the 12th day, being Saturday; at night I went to prayer, but very sadly lamenting my condition, and crying, O for another offer of a reconciled God in Christ, I would give all the world! Upon the morrow, being the Sabbath, our minister, Mr. George Meldrum, choosed that text, Col. i. 21, “And you, that were sometime enemies in your minds by wicked works, yet now hath he reconciled.” Where indeed I had a Christ freely offered to me; and he told us that God had sent him with this message, “We then are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us; we pray you in Christ’s stead, be ye reconciled to God.” I must confess, this minister was many times God’s messenger to me, but especially this day; it was my duty to love and pray for him, that his Master’s message may prosper in all places where he shall be sent. He delighted in nothing but in preaching Christ and Him crucified. If my heart deceive me not, I thought I got favour with God this night, and that very comfortably; but, alas! it was but a blink before a shower. Then the tempter came on me again, to make me misbelieve, and that I was mistaken about favour with God, for all I had met with was but mere delusions; for I was still ignorant; and that which grieved me was my sin that I lived under such clear gospel-ministry. O! my ignorance of God and Christ stared me in the face in such a manner, that it made me cry, I am undone! I have been born to be a monument of His displeasure! O what will I do! God has forsaken me, O that I had never been born! for I get no leave to come to God in prayer as I wont. Then I began to debate myself out of Christ by many arguments which are not convenient to name, but especially that I was but an outside Christian, for I had nothing but a bare profession; indeed I had shew enough, and name enough, and tongue enough; but the inwards of religion I wanted: I was like a body without a soul. I saw myself lost and undone, but which was worst of all, it did not affect me as it would have done another; some would not have slept a sound sleep, but as for me, it never had that effect on me. Notwithstanding all this, I saw much of God’s love and concern to me, in this, especially, that whatever troubled me through the week, Mr. Meldrum came out to me with it on the Sabbath, which struck me with admiration; for, if I had told my case to him or any other, I would thought he had got notice of me some way, but I revealed my mind to none: so that I saw it was the Spirit of God speaking to me by him. O how sweet and refreshful I found the Sabbath day!
Then Satan would begin to make me misbelieve; yea, he employed all his power to lead me in the way to destruction; yea, he brought such atheistical thoughts to me, that I had almost turned desperate; for I thought there was not another like me in the world for sinning. But to the glory of God, now I may tell it, now and then He was giving me some cordial to hold me up, otherwise I had given over altogether; especially that in 1 Cor. i. 30, “Christ was made unto us wisdom, righteousness, sanctification and redemption,” this word “redemption” was made sweet to me oftener than once or twice; and then I thought I would never misbelieve again. But alas! my heart soon deceived me, it was so fickle; for, after my greatest receipts of mercy, I was assaulted with the greatest temptations; they were aye the stronger, and this made my trial the heavier: so that I thought never one of God’s people was assaulted as I was with such temptations; yea, I thought not so much of being assaulted, but the temptation always overcame me. At this time I was very much overcome with sleep at secret prayer, which I thought never one was but myself: these things wrought so on me, that I was brought to a lamentable condition. I thought there was no hope for me, and that it was in vain for me to read or pray: for God would not have mercy on such an hypocrite as I was. To this temptation I yielded, and ran to desperate conclusions, the which I am ashamed to record. There was not a temptation out of hell but I was tempted to it. When the tempter saw that all his temptations were yielded to, then he brought that of atheism again to me, in such a manner as neither tongue nor pen can declare it; neither could I reveal it to any, for none in the world was ever tempted to this; I am singular.
When I had been going to prayer, then I was strongly assaulted: there is no God, there is no Christ, no Holy Ghost; it is but fancy the Bible, it is not God’s word, it is but a contrivance of men; ministers are not the servants of God, but seducers of the people, all your religious duties are but lost labour; the heathen are righter than you: for they worship the God they know, but you worship a God you know not. The devil made use of many arguments which are not convenient to record.
In this case I was brought to as sad a distemper as any can conceive, and yet I durst tell it to none; and all that I could do, was to cry, O happy are they that believe there is a God! When I had been going through the streets, everybody I met I would be saying within myself, O if I were but that body! For they are not troubled with unbelief as I am. When I heard any cursing or swearing in the name of God, O, thought I, if I were but one of these folks! for they believe that there is a God: yet I thought, if I believed there is a God, I durst not speak of Him as they do. I thought everybody believed it but me; I wist not what to do. I would have given any thing to know if ever any was troubled with such thoughts. I was once reading a book called Francis Spira, which did hurt me more than all the books ever I saw; O that I had never seen it; for I thought I would make the same end he made; but, which was worst to me, there were some atheists that wrote letters to him to confirm him in his atheism, which words I could not get out of my mind; which made me lament that ever I read Francis Spira. I had several other books I read concerning the being of God; but could get light from none of them, till one day I was reading on a book called, “Grace abounding to the chief of sinners;” where the author of the book, John Bunyan, gave an account of the Lord’s way with him, who after he had received great tokens of God’s love, while he was under this disease of atheism, this refreshed me a little; but still I remained in a doubt, and would not believe, unless a wonder was wrought to my outward senses. I do not believe ever one was so guilty in this as I was; for my sin had many aggravations. O what a wonder was it that God did not throw me into the pit, where I would have gotten sensible knowledge, to my sad experience, that there was a God, by being everlastingly tormented in the flames of His wrath! But, O how shall I record the wonderful goodness of God to me in this tossed case, that would not suffer me to be tempted more than I was able to bear, but with the temptation sent a delivery, April 12th, 1695.
I, as a poor, tempted, tossed creature, with every wind of temptation, not able to do anything for my own help, and having none to do it for me; thus I was accounting myself lost and undone. In this deplorable case, in steps Christ (who is always a friend in need) with a motion of His Spirit, who persuaded me there was hope for me yet; and that, if I should come, I would get as free access to the throne of grace as ever. The very thought of this so transported me, that I found a sensible change in a moment. As soon as possible I went along; and, as I was opening the door, that word came to me with power, “thou thoughtest that I was altogether such an one,” &c., Psalm 1. Yea, the Lord did, as it were, expostulate the matter with me in kindness, convincing me of sin; but all in love. “Do you think yourself in the wrong, in doubting of that whereof you have been so often solemnly confirmed in former times; and yet to give way to the temptation, because you got no signs and wonders wrought which would have been enough to distract you? Was not your duty to have been submissive to my will, to have revealed myself to you in what way I please? So in this thing you have sinned extremely; but that the promise may be made good in you, which I gave, I will never leave you, nor forsake you, even though you have forsaken me so frequently.” At this I verily wondered, that the great and glorious God should ever suggest such thoughts of peace to such a filthy wretch as I! it struck me with wonder and admiration, that His wrath and anger did not break forth on me, and that He did not threaten to send me down to hell for my sin; but that Scripture is fulfilled to me, Isaiah lv. 8, “My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.” O but this was a sweet time to me! wherein I got leave to pour out my mind before the Lord in secret; where I got a new discovery of a Trinity of persons, and yet an unity of essence; the which all the ministers in the world, all the books in the world could not do, I was so obstinate in unbelief; and yet, by His Spirit, He wrought faith in me, in such a manner, as I could have sealed it with my blood. O then, I was filled with wonder and praise, and self-loathing, when I thought on the love of God in Christ Jesus! I doubt not but it will be thought strange by many, that ever such atheistical thoughts got entertainment with me; for it is a thing known to all, that there is a God. Indeed I must acknowledge, it is a great truth, and ought to be believed by all. But alas! to my shame and sad experience, I find it to be one thing to believe it in faith, that there is a God; and another thing to say, there is a God. I am sure this faith we bring not into the world with us; it is a work of God’s Spirit.
On the morrow after, my very countenance was changed; with respect to the things of the world everything was pleasant to me, there was such a flood of joy that filled my heart, when I thought on what a great mercy I had received: yea, it is impossible for me to express what great delight I had in my spirit. I resolved to set the next day apart (being the Sabbath) for fasting and humiliation: but what shall I say? mercy and love followed me at the heels; for He turned the day of my intended sorrow to a day of joy and rejoicing, and put a new song in my mouth of praise to the Lord; and, as the Lord shall help me, I shall record what of the Lord’s kindness I met with on that day. O that I could so do it, as to make every one that heareth of it fall in love with lovely and sweet Jesus!
(To be Continued.)