ON the morrow, which was the second day of June, 1695, I thought I got a very sweet morning, and was big with expectation that I would see the King in His beauty at His table: but I had no sooner entered the kirk-door, but I lost my hopes, and my heart fell a-wandering: so that I can neither tell with tongue nor pen what case I was brought to: I thought I was singular for sinning. I was so ill that I was not in a capacity to hear the word, so as to receive profit. At length, Mr. Flint was fencing the tables, there was not one sin that he debarred from the table of the Lord, but, in some measure, I could charge myself with it; for these that I had not actually committed as to the eye of the world, yet I found the seeds of them lying at my heart, ready to be brought forth at the first occasion; then I wist not what to do. I thought that, if the ministers had known me, they would come, and in particular, discharge me from the table; yet, notwithstanding of this, I had a strange inclination to be at the Lord’s table: and, accordingly, I went to the Lord’s table, which was served by Mr. James Kirkton, being the fourth table. But when I was set down, I could say nothing; these petitions I thought I would present to the King, I forgot them, deadness seized on me; I wanted the workings of faith on the Son of God, and being in a most uncomfortable condition, my heart cried out, “Lord, I am thine, I am thine.” If I could do no more, I thought I would give myself away anew to the Lord. I came from the table very uncomforited, without seeing the King in His beauty. O then, but I was greatly perplexed what to do! I was full of discontent with myself for my sinning; but I was to justify the Lord in all that He did to me; and was thankful that I was not made a monument of His wrath at His table. I must confess, it was a day of power to many poor souls; and that increased my grief; everybody is getting good but me. I cannot tell the distress I was in during all the rest of the public worship; but when all was over, I thought with myself, may be I have not given myself fully enough to Christ; therefore, before I enter in any company, I will go in among the trees, and there renew my covenant with the Lord, and give myself wholly to Him. When I came to the place I intended, I sat down, and took my Bible that was in my hand to witness, all the trees about Lasswade to witness, but especially the tree I sat at to witness, that I was entirely given to the Lord, without reserve; where I poured out my heart before Him. When I came from the place I wist not what to think, whether the Lord had been there or not ; I still remained in doubt about it ; and at night when I was at prayer, I was just at my old disease of sleeping again. Then thought I, ah ! I am all wrong, the Lord has not heard me this day, so as to accept of my requests ; yet I encouraged myself that I would, may be, meet the Lord the last day of the feast ; but was disappointed ; for I came away from the feast uncomforted. Yet there remained some hope in me : for I thought, though the Lord has withdrawn Himself with respect to my sensible uptaking, yet I will know if He was really with me in two or three days, if my corruptions come not back on me again : But alas ! they came back and that in a dreadful manner, more strong and vigorous than ever ; which made me conclude, that I met not with Christ at Lasswade.
Then began I to enquire after the cause of it, and I saw that it was my ignorance of God which was the sin for which He was contending. There were two Scriptures borne in upon me at this time, Acts xvii. 23, “As I passed by and beheld their devotions, I found an altar with this inscription, TO THE UNKNOWN GOD. Whom therefore ye ignorantly worship,” &c. 1 Cor. xv. 34, “There are some that have not the knowledge of God : I speak this to your shame.” I began to pose myself, what of this knowledge I had ? but I saw that I was wholly ignorant of God. Oh, oh ! it is one thing to say and believe there is a God, and another thing to believe Him to be such a God as His Word holds Him out to be. Great was the darkness I was under ; for neither sun-light nor star-light appeared to me for many days, so as to show me my duty ; neither threatenings nor promises could affect me. In this lamentable condition I wandered up and down, till at last I ran myself upon a desperate rock ; I concluded that Christ had no more love for me than the rest of the world, all my former experiences were in no stead to me, for I was past all recovery : while I was in this desperate case, I think it not convenient to record what I met with ; but all that I shall say on despair, is this, it is likest to a begun hell on the conscience of anything in the world : cursing and blaspheming are the concomitants that attend it.
Notwithstanding of all this, yet the love of God wonderfully appeared to me ; that there was scarce a Sabbath past over, but, either in public or secret, I got some strengthening cordial to hold me up ; otherwise I would have given over altogether. What shall I say ? Even in these Sabbaths, when I got, as it were, some hope that these temptations would be destroyed ; even then my idol of jealousy, my inclination-sin, had such power over me, that many times these would send me home roaring, and crying to the Lord to exercise His kingly power over me ; for now I saw the need of Christ, a King indeed.
It pleased the Lord to bestow upon me occasion of renewing my covenant with Himself, at the sacrament in the Tron-kirk, October 27, 1695, where I renewed all my engagements, and gave myself anew to the Lord. How it fared with me there, I cannot distinctly tell; only at this time there was wrought in me a vehement desire to die; nothing could please me then, but death: not for any outward trouble or affliction in the world, or the want of earthly pleasures, that made me so desirous to be away, but it was sin dwelling in me, and ruling over me, that made my life a burden to me, so that I would have been content of anything that would part me and it. I saw sin cleaving to my best duties, as in reading the word; O what wandering here! in my hearing, many wanderings in my converse with others, mickle hypocrisy and self-conceit. In a word, my praying and communicating, I see sin, as it were, woven with them: I can do nothing but sin. This was no small trouble to me.
About this same time, there was an outward dispensation of providence that proved very weighty to me, and it was this: I was to leave the Tron-kirk parish, and go to the College-kirk parish; and the thoughts of leaving Mr. Meldrum, who had been so useful to me, was like a second death. For a space I went always to the Tron-kirk, and would not go to the College-kirk, though that worthy servant of Christ, Mr. John Moncrief, was their minister. Everybody was angry with me why I did not keep my parish kirk, but nothing would prevail with me to leave Mr. Meldrum, till at last there was a word borne in upon me, “Is the Spirit of God tied to one place or one person?” This was backed with such power, that I thought it was a reproof from the Lord for my esteeming one minister above another. After this I went to the College-kirk, and the first sermon I heard there by Mr. John Moncrief, was 2 Sam. xxiii. 5, “Although my house be not so with God; yet he hath made with me an everlasting covenant, ordered in all things, and sure.” That which he insisted upon was the security of the covenant, where he had this comfortable word: “To all that are in covenant with the Lord, this covenant is well secured; it cannot be broken. God will not break it on His part; for He hath said it, written it, proclaimed it, and sworn it, and what would you have more for security? O but, says the poor thing, alas! I have broken it on my part with my sinning. No, says He, sin on your part shall not break the covenant.” This was comfortable doctrine to me indeed, this being one of my great fears; and after this day I durst never leave my parish kirk.
There is one thing I cannot but remark. Mr. Meldrum was on the same subject when I left him; so that it was but a change of place to me, and not a change of subject. I dare not say but he was God’s messenger to me, who confirmed that which I was formerly calling in question. Then did the way of the Lord become sweet and pleasant to me; it was my delight to be serving the Lord. O, how glad was I to find an occasion to be telling to others of my comrades, how gloriously the Lord was dealing with me; which sometimes was refreshful to them as well as myself. Notwithstanding all my merciful receipts of His loving kindness, yet I wanted not some bitter ingredients mixed in with it; especially this, my parents’ state and condition was not so as I could have wished for—the worship of God was not in the family—and this became a grievous weight to me. As for my father, he was nothing but a moral man, no ways taken up with the duties of religion neither one way nor other. My mother was more seriously employed, both in public and secret performances: she would be secretly exhorting me to seek the Lord and to pray. I remember one day I heard her tell that when she was with child of me, she was helped in a wonderful manner to pray for saving grace to me, when it should please the Lord to bring me to the world; which was very satisfying to me when I heard it. Yet I wanted not my own fears concerning her. It pleased the Lord at this time to cross my parents with respect to things of the world. Providence wrought so against them, that it grieved me to see my parents in such trouble; yea, many times it would have sent me to my knees for them, and also that the Lord would take my heart from me and keep it for ever. I may say that their afflictions were among the first things that set me on to seek the Lord in earnest.
Now, when I saw that none of these afflictions were like to work any reformation in the family, this became matter of exercise to me indeed. It was strongly borne in upon me that I should reveal my mind concerning my parents to themselves, which, after long debatings to myself how to do it, I broke off on Sabbath night when we were at supper. I told my parent of his sin, in not setting up the worship of God in his family; and desired him to do it. But this was to no purpose, for I did not prevail with him. Then wist I not what to think or what to do; yet I was mightily enabled, in secret prayer, to plead for his conversion, though I had but little hopes. At this time the gospel was very sweet to me. Mr. Moncrief was on Zaccheus’s conversion (Luke xix.), where he held forth the nature of conversion, the means the Lord made use of in order to it. I thought I never heard more refreshing sermons than these were, and more backed with power on my heart, but especially when he was on these words, “And he made haste, and came down, and received him joyfully.” On which day I again experienced a day of power on my heart, making me willing to receive Christ; and what joy I was filled with I can express to none.
After this my body of sin and death got up on me again, which oppressed me mightily, and many times overcame me, so that I did conclude my spots were not the spots of God’s children; and for all the length I had come in religion, I knew not but an hypocrite might come the same. For I made no progress in religion more than that I go the round of duties, and abstain from gross out-breakings. In a word, I thought I had no more but a form of godliness, and knew nothing of the power of it, so as to mortify my heart plagues. The wind of temptation blew so hard on me that it blew away my hope ; I lost sight of an interest in Christ ; I razed the foundation, and was persuaded that I was nothing but a painted sepulchre—a whitened wall ; I appeared something without, but within I was a nest of devils. Then was this scripture represented to me concerning the two men that builded a house. The one built on a rock, the other on the sand : the house that was built on a rock, it endured the winds and storms that beat upon it, yet they blew it not over ; whereas the house on the sand, when the tempest arose, it could not stand it out, but was blown over to a ruinous heap. I made close application that I would make the same end, for I had such loads of corruption bearing me down that I could not believe a child of God could be so plagued, which made me many times put up that petition to the Lord—either take me out of this world, or keep me from the evil of it. O, then how earnestly did I long to have Christ as a king made over to me, to subdue these unmortified corruptions of mine, the which I am neither able nor willing to do myself ! I sensibly found two parties within me. The one was for entertaining my idols with pleasure and delight. O, but this party was strong ! The other party was for casting my idols to the door ; but it was like a child new come to the world—it had not strength at all. O, but I found it hard work to be a Christian !
In this case I toiled on, till the Sacrament was given in the College-kirk, where I enjoyed as sweet a Communion as ever I did in my life. On the Fast Day I cannot but acknowledge I was in some measure helped to a mournful frame of spirit, both for my own sins and others ; all which lay very weighty on me. This day I was also helped to the duty of supplication on all these accounts, so that none of them might hinder our Communion blessings. I ended this day with a sense of the omission of many duties and the commission of many sins, but I cast myself and my duties over on the merits of the Lord Jesus Christ, expecting only to be accepted in Him and for His sake.
On Saturday, the preparation day, I cannot but say the Lord was sensibly present among us. Mr. William Moncrief preached on John xi. 40, “ Said I not unto thee, that if thou wouldest believe, thou shouldst see the glory of God ? ” In which sermon there was much of the glory of God to be seen working on the hearts of the people, and on mine also.
On Sabbath morning Mr. John Moncrief was on Ezek. xvi. 8, “ And when I passed by and saw thee polluted in thine own blood, then thy time was a time of love, and I said unto thee, Live ; and entered into a covenant with thee, and thou becamest mine ”—where he held forth a marriage between Christ and poor sinners. He was much on the inequality of the marriage ; whereon I remember he said, when a man goes to seek a wife there is one of these four things that persuades him—either riches, or beauty, or parentage, or a good nature and virtues. But none of all those were in our Lord’s bride, to persuade Him, as this chapter gives an account. He was very pressing that we should consent to the bargain. In which place I took heaven and earth to witness, I took all the servants of the Lord to witness, and all that were present with me to witness, that I was well content of Christ on any terms; a whole Christ—Prophet, Priest, and King—consenting to undergo cross, loss, and persecution, if I should be called to it. O, I thought a stake to be burnt at, for the name of Jesus, nothing; a gibbet, a prison, nothing, if Christ be in it! I this day take Thee to be my husband and Lord, and I to be Thy married spouse, and will not be for another. I was persuaded this was the Spirit of the Lord engaging, and not I.
After that I had consented to this blessed bargain deliberately, I went to get it sealed at the Sacrament, it being the first day of December, 1696. I approached to the sixth table, where Mr. George Andrew served. It was a sweet while to me, where I enjoyed communion and fellowship with the Lord. There were two scriptures darted on me with life and power: Jer. xxxi. 3, “I have loved thee with an everlasting love”; Hos. ii. 19, “I will betroth thee unto me for ever.” O that I may never forget the Communion in the College-kirk. My petitions at the Lord’s Table were these: that the Lord would continue His gospel in Scotland for ever; and that He would abide with His servants, the ministers, and make the gospel thrive under their hands; pardon their sins and ours; plead not a broken covenant, solemn and national engagements, against us, which we are all guilty of. I here this day desire all may be in covenant with Thee again; as also my poor father—take him into the bond of the covenant; and my mother—let everything be removed that hinders her closing with Thee in the gospel; my brother—keep him in Thy way, that he run not away with the vain world. O, my fear is great on their behalf, for which I must be importunate, and not taking a nay-say. If it may consist with Thy holy will, deny me not.
There were also some petitions I put up for myself. First, That the Lord would give me a sincere heart to every duty. I found so much hypocrisy cleaving to me in every duty I performed, which made me long for sincerity and reality in whatever I did. 2dly, That the Lord would make me unchangeable in all my vows and resolutions this day. I have a nature apt to change, but O, let me be steadfast in the way of the Lord. 3dly, That I might be a real member of Christ’s body, so as to grieve when Thy people grieve, and to rejoice when Thy people rejoice. For Thy people shall be my people, as far as I can know them. 4thly, That I may be an useful, fruitful tree in Thy vineyard, bringing forth much fruit to Thy glory. 5thly, That I may get a spirit of humiliation, lest I be exalted above measure; and that because Thou art dealing with me graciously, beyond many in the world—the thoughts of which struck me with wonder and admiration ! There were two things especially I was made to wonder at. First, That I was brought forth in a land where Christ was offered to lost sinners. 2dly, That my heart was made to consent to the offer when it came. O, the love and joy I was filled with ! Those carnal pastimes I was wont to take pleasure in, now I saw none : and though, as to my natural disposition, I was as merry as any, yet now I can tell it to my experience, that I never knew what it was to be joyful till I received Christ. How greatly are they to blame that say religion is a melancholy thing ? I am persuaded of the contrary ; for a carnal man or woman never knew what joy was. I may call this place Ebenezer or Bethel, where I met with God, and brought my idols and corruptions to get them mortified. And in expectation to get all my petitions granted, for the sake of the Lord Jesus Christ, the mediator of the new covenant, I subscribe myself to be the Lord’s.
ELISABETH WEST.
(To be Continued.)