(WRITTEN BY HER OWN HAND.)
(Continued from page 184.)
THERE was a very sad and lamentable providence happened after this great and solemn ordinance in the city: On the Saturday following, there was a terrible fire in the Cannongate head, which consumed a great deal; in a short time the whole city was all in confusion, as it was no wonder. In the meantime, when I first heard it, I was at prayer, but was very dead and dull; but the news and sight of this fire put a new edge on my spirit; where I got leave to pour out my heart before the Lord; and the main petition I ran on was, that the Lord would make this fire a means of conversion to some one or other; which I thought would turn our mourning into a song.
On the next day, being Sabbath, Mr. Moncrief was on these words, Micah vi. 9, “The Lord’s voice crieth into the city, and the man of wisdom shall see thy name: hear ye the rod, and who hath appointed it.” He observed, that every rod had a voice, and it was only the wise man that would understand the language of it. He told us, that God’s voice was crying to this city, and that He was come to the very ports, and was crying over the walls to us, that we should amend our ways, lest He should come into our city and consume us in a terrible manner. I cannot tell what this dispensation of providence wrought on me; but I am sure of this, it lets me see the vanity of all time’s created pleasures, and that they are the only happy folk that have their treasure in heaven. O but the spirit of the Lord was at great pains to show me what the Lord was! I saw, as in a glass, both what was good and evil in it. There are these seventeen remarks I had upon the world, twelve of them are evil and hurtful, five of them good and useful.
- I saw that these that are bent in seeking the world, they must sustain a great deal of troubles and vexations ere they can get it. O this is a great evil: have we nothing to vex or trouble ourselves about but gather a pokeful of wind, which will blow away with a blast of wind? 2. When we have riches in this world, how apt are they to take our love from Christ! For we cannot serve two masters, 1 John ii. 15, “He that loveth the world, the love of the Father is not in him.” 3. Many a one has lost their own soul in seeking the world; and what will all their riches profit them?—Matt. xvi. 26. 4. The world yields no comfort in the time of trouble, when on a death-bed, or when the conscience is wakened by sin. 5. The world cannot give a ransom for our iniquities and transgressions when we shall stand before the
tribunal. 6. The world hinders many a one to close with Christ on his own terms, as the young man in the gospel, and these in Matt. xxii. 5; when Christ sent to them to invite them to be married to the King of glory, “O,” say they, “Pray excuse us, for we cannot come; for the world hindereth us.” 7. Riches in this world are no token of God’s love. It was well observed by one, “That the world is like a picked bone, that the Lord throws to the dogs.” 8. The world makes many take on the very picture of the devil for pride; they, like Jeshurun, wax fat. 9. The world may be very soon lost, and this brings in new sorrows and vexations; then they are like Micah, “They have taken away my gods, and what have I more?” They have a slippery grip that hold the world; an untimely fire, a storm at sea, or a wheen evil debtors, will make a lamentable change on a rich man. 10. It is a very difficult thing to gain the world with a good conscience. They that would be rich are liable to many temptations; temptations to cheat and lie, or else their stocks will not increase so fast as they would. 11. They that have the world must die and leave it behind them, and perhaps to them that will give them but small thanks, though they have put their precious souls in great hazard to gather it to them, who, when they have got it, it may prove a snare and temptation to lead them on in a course of sin and iniquity. 12. Those that have much of the world have a great account to make of it at the great day, how they have improved that talent for God and His people; they being but stewards, God will seek an account of their stewardship.
But, notwithstanding of all these evils that attend them that have the world, yet I see a great many advantages in having it: for, 1. They may have more time and conveniency to serve the Lord than others, having every thing laid to their hand, and not being exposed to these troubles and difficulties that poor folk are exposed to, which proves a great hindrance to them in seeking and serving the Lord. 2. In having the world, they may relieve and help the poor members of Christ with it; the doing of which may bring down blessings on them and their posterity, Psalm cxii. 5-7. God will not let them want that give but a cup of cold water to any of his children. 3. Rich folk have many friends; and, whatever troubles they may be under, they have enough to comfort them; whereas poor folk, when in trouble, they may be sick, mourn and lament, and weep, but few to inquire what ails them. 4. Riches may be a means to humble them, when they consider that few rich folk be saved. 5. Rich folk have great matter of praise and thankfulness, that God hath so largely provided for them beyond many others as good as they: this should send them many errands to the throne of grace, that their riches be not a snare to them and others. When I had seriously pondered these things, I cannot but say, the vain world bears but small bulk in my eyes.
About this time there arose a terrible and sore corruption on
me which they call self-conceit, and self-seeking wrought so strongly against me, that I wist not what to do ; now I find it to my experience, that it was not an easy thing to be a downright self-denied Christian ; to be working for heaven as it were to be won by works, and to be denied by all, as if we had done nothing at all. O difficult work indeed ! to be denied to prayers, to tears, and other religious duties ; this was like a pang of the new birth, which is attended with a great deal of pain ; or like an entering in at the strait gate, which was like to tear the skin from the bones, before I could win through. Then that word was borne in upon me, “If any man will be my disciple, he must deny himself.” Of all the parts of religion I had met with, I found this the hardest to win at. I had attained to a name in religion ; but all the name I was getting from Jesus Christ, was that word, Mal. iii. 8, Ye have robbed me of that glory due to me. This word prest my very heart ; for I knew it was true ; for I carried that devil self-conceit or self-seeking about with me wherever I went. O self ! that weary thing self ! what shall I do with it ? it is like to destroy me. I think that motto may be written over to me, “faithless and unfaithful.” Did I not give myself to the Lord ? but my inward frame of spirit says the contrary.
Then I began to examine, what length I had come in the way of God, or whether hypocrites might not attain to all I had, and yet come short of saving grace ? I prayed, and so did the proud Pharisee : I converse with the godly, and so did the foolish virgins : I communicate, and so did these hypocrites : I have a delight in seeking the Lord, and so had these, Isaiah lviii. 2. I am free of gross out-breakings, and so was the young man, Mark x. 20. Now, what have I done more than these ? they were not self-denied, neither am I. Lord, I must forward my petitions. This sent me to the throne of grace, to get self-subdued : but I thought it grew the stronger on my hand.
At this time Mr. John Moncrief had many suitable sermons concerning self-righteousness ; for the text was in Mark x. concerning the young man in the gospel. I am sure he spoke as directly to my case, as if he had known it ; how great a length we might come in religion, and yet lack the one thing, as this man did. This put fears in me lest I should prove the same ; but when he came to these words, take up the cross, and follow me : that was a day, which I desire never to forget ; it being May 30, 1697.
He observed three things from the words ; 1st, When Christ calls, we ought to give ready obedience ; come, take up the cross. 2ndly, Whosoever is bound for heaven must follow Christ ; follow me, we must follow him through singular duties, and despised duties. 3rdly, Whosoever will follow Christ, must do it with the cross on their back ; the cross of losing all that we have in the world ; the cross of pain and shame, and persecution and death. Where he put it to every one of our doors, whether we would
accept of Christ on these terms or not? He proposed a question, how shall we know when Christ is calling us to part with all that we have? The answer was; when that which we had could not be gotten kept, without sin and a snare to the conscience. I must acknowledge, this was a day of power to me, wherein my affections were so opened after the Lord Jesus, that I was content of Him upon any terms whatsoever. O the sweetness I saw in that cross where Christ Jesus was, and the great advantages that attended it! O how kind and cheerfully could I embrace a burning stake for Christ! I took heaven and earth to witness, and the Lord to witness, that day, that no cross, no persecution, should separate me from Christ! But there were two things that appeared to me as crosses, the which I would not consent to; the one was, an absent God in the time of trouble and trial; the other, to be given up to a selfish disposition of spirit. O Lord, if Thou deliver me from these two, I would take up any other thou pleasest; for I see it as impossible for me to be denied to my self-righteousness as for a clue of thread to run up a brae; “but draw thou me and I shall run after thee.”
After this I fell under fears, that all my resolutions would blow up when a day of trial cometh; for which cause I was frequently at the throne of grace with this petition, Lord, take thou my resolutions in Thy own hand, and keep them from me, that when my trial comes, I be not like the young man that came to Christ, as if he would have done anything for eternal life, and yet, when he was put to it, he went away sorrowful; and, being convinced of the treachery of my own heart, I durst put no trust in it, but in as far as it was in Christ’s keeping.
After this I found the body of sin and death was very strong in me, and the predominant corruption was a continual vexation to me, so that I knew not what to do, I could reveal my mind to none, for I saw it was needless, neither thought I that any was in my condition.
I had a godly comrade, to whom I told something of my case. She was concerned on my account, and told me my case was not singular. This was some medicine to me, though it continued but a very short while. We prayed frequently together for the Lord’s mind anent it; but all continued very dark, and after performance of religious duties, I always found it grow stronger. I was brought this length of it, that I saw no remedy anywhere but in the kingly office of the Lord Jesus to conquer me. I set apart, for fasting and mourning over my predominant idol, the 10th June, 1697. And that which was my very heart’s desire, as in the sight of God, was to be made conformed to the Lord Jesus Christ, and to have the Spirit in me that was in Him, and to have as great a measure of sanctification as was possible for mortals to attain to in this life.
I was persuaded that this petition of mine was attainable, otherwise it would never be commanded, 1 John ii. 6, “Walk even
so as he walked.” Lord, I turn over this command into a prayer ; Lord, make me to walk even so as thou walkedst. There being none present but God here, I took my paper, pen and ink to witness, that on condition I got my petition granted I am content of whatsoever cross Thou trysts me with, but it is conditionally, if Thou be with me, and give me Thy holy Spirit, to conquer this idol of mine that is contending for Thy room. O Lord, come and be king, and rule over me this day, and make me to will nothing but what is Thy holy will. O but this was a sweet day to me, wherein I got my heart and spirit poured out before the Lord, and got good ground to believe that my request was granted, from that word, Phil. ii. 13, “For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.”
A little after this, there was a word that the sacrament was to be given at Lasswade ; the thoughts of which were joyful to me. I intended to be there on the fast day, which I thought was to be on Thursday. I got up on the morning and made myself ready to go to the place, it being four miles from Edinburgh. O how cheerfully I went on the way ! I spoke to none and few spoke to me, I being alone. I cannot but say the presence of God was with me, and that word ran always in my mind, “Who is like unto the Lord among the gods?” which afforded me sweet meditations by the way. When I came to the place, I stranged that there was no gathering of people there, but I thought I am too soon here ; and then I thought I would go and recreate myself a while about the waterside, until the worship be near the beginning. I stranged mightily what might be the reason that the mills were going, and the women were bleaching their webs ; I thought this not very suitable for a fast day. In the meantime that I was looking on the webs that were bleaching, there was a very sweet meditation given me. I saw some webs that were new laid down to the water, and these were very ill hued ; I saw others that had lain longer, and these became white, and changed their natural hue ; then I thought, that white web was once black, and as useless as the other (for an unbleached web is of little or no use), but there hath been a great deal of pains taken on it, ere it came this length, what steeping, knocking, wringing, watering, rubbing has there been wared on it ? Now the meditation was this, the unbleached web was like the unrenewed soul on whom the Lord bestowed a great deal of pains before it changed its natural hue ; what knocking, by His word ; what wringing and washing by affliction ; what watering, by His gospel ; then I thought, the white web was like a renewed soul, on whom these pains had taken effect ; and, for as white as the web was, yet, by reason of its being used, it very soon grew nasty ; so that it must be frequently washed ; again, so the renewed soul, though it be sanctified, and made white in the blood of the Lamb, yet, by reason of its being in a corrupt world, soon defiles itself, and so must frequently resort to the fountain for cleansing. By this time I thought the worship was near to
begin ; so I went to the church-yard, where I saw no appearance of sermon. I inquired when the first bell would ring ? and if this was the fast day ? They told me, that the fast day was yesterday, and that I had disappointed myself. Now it is impossible for me to record what a sudden change this wrought on me, so as I could not get myself contained ; but as a dagger had been at my heart, I burst forth with grief and sorrow, that I had lost so blessed an occasion through my own negligence. O as the enemy unbelief wrought with me by the way to make me entertain harsh thoughts of God, that He loved me not ! which made me return the way weeping and sorrowing, which I went rejoicing. When I came home, I threw myself on a bed, in an extreme fit of discontent, resolving that I would not communicate at that time : but Ohow shall I record the long-suffering and patience of the Lord, who did not manifest Himself to me in wrath for so doing ; but on the contrary, He came all in love to me, and convinced me that I was in the wrong ! This put a new edge on my spirit again : so that I enjoyed one of the sweetest afternoons that ever I think I experienced : and, as I was reflecting what might be the language of this disappointment, or what I should learn from it, this meditation came in my mind ; what was the reason that I did not inform myself better what day the fast should be on ? The reason was this, I never entertained the least doubt about it, but that it would be upon Thursday, because all the fasts were, for ordinary, that day ; so it never entered my mind to ask at any. Then this followed as a lesson I should learn from it, that sometimes disappointments come from these things from which they are least expected ; what then if I be lying in any one sin unrepented of, that I have no conviction or doubt about, and yet it may prove a great disappointment to me in the day of the Lord. This put me on to cry to God, that He would search me, and try me, and find out all the secret sins and abominations that lay in my heart.
On Saturday I went to Lasswade again, where Mr. David Walker preached on John xi. 28, ” The Master is come, and calleth for thee.” He had many sweet and desirable observations from the words. Mr. John Anderson was on the Testament’s being confirmed by the death of the testator. But yet I found not in these sermons that I could have desired.
At this very time I had a load weight of corruption bearing me down, and like a draff-pock at my heels, which imbittered all my comforts. I retired myself to the fields, where I poured out my heart to the Lord ; and O how my heart was set a longing after the Lord ! and that He would come and take up a possession in my heart, and rule there as a King and Lord, putting everything to the door that hindered His abode with me : I had a great concern on my heart for my parents and brother, then that word came to me, ” I will not leave you comfortless.”
This night being spent, in the morning I thought my frame was not like one that was to meet with the Lord. I had some down-
castings of spirit through that day. Mr. John Flint was in the action sermon on Rom. xiii. 14, “But put ye on the Lord Jesus.” A comfortable sermon he had indeed; but yet I could take little encouragement from it, I was so lifeless; yet over the belly of all opposition, I went to the fifth table, where Mr. John Moncrief served, it being June 27, 1697. I was not in such a lively frame at this table, as formerly I have been in; and yet my heart vehemently put up this petition, “Lord, what wilt thou have me to do for thee?”
When I retired to secret that night, I began to inquire what was the reason I was in so ill a frame at a communion: then I got these two meditations on it: First, I saw that ordinances were not to be idolized, so as to think that the Lord was to be limited that way. 2dly, A good frame was not to be idolized, thinking that because of it we will therefore be the more acceptable to God. This is bringing a price in our hand to the market of free grace. I saw that if I had been always in a good frame, I would have put tears, and prayers, and communions in Christ’s room. Then that word came to me, “I will not give my glory to others, nor my praise to graven images;” with this also, “I have chosen you, but ye have not chosen me.”
And on Monday morning that scripture, Isa. xliii. 22-25, was made very comfortable to me, and particularly applied to my case. After this communion I was wonderfully helped to that duty of meditation, so that I could scarce cast my eyes any way but I got some spiritual meditation. I got new discoveries of the miseries of an unconverted soul, and the blessedness of those that are interested in Christ, and the vanity of all created enjoyments under the sun. O but the candle of the Lord shined clearly on my tabernacle! And there were two scriptures given me, wherein there were things very remarkable, and from them I saw what the Lord was about to call me unto, John xiv. 27, “My peace I give unto you, my peace I leave with you; not as the world giveth,” etc., the other word was, “You shall be called Jedidiah.” Now what this word Jedidiah meant I did not understand. I sought through the scriptures, to see if I could find any that was so called; at length I found, 2 Sam. xii. 25, Nathan the prophet tells David, “He shall have a son, and he shall be called Jedidiah.” And when I looked to the margin, it signified, “Beloved of the Lord.” These things were very desirable to me, and filled me with wonder and admiration at the love of God.
(To be Continued.)
WE are much indebted to an old note-book, penned long ago by a deceased friend at Wick, for the Notes of Sermons by Rev. A. Cook and Rev. John Macrae. Next month we expect to have some Notes of a Sermon by Rev. Finlay Cook, Reay.