YET at this time the plague of my heart came upon me more dreadfully than ever before; there was a thorn of the flesh given me; an unmodified corruption weighed me so sore down, that I was like to call all my former experiences but delusions. Then that scripture was darted in upon me, Hos. viii. 12, “I have written to him the great things of my law, but they were counted as a strange thing.” There was yet another piece of trial in my cup; I at this time had upon my spirit a secret exercise, which, if it had been known to the world, I thought it would be a stumbling-block to many; not only the wicked, but even the godly, would been offended at it; I wist not what to do, I could find none in my case but myself. The ministers in their sermons spoke to many cases that might be perplexing, but my case they never so much as mentioned it. This troubled me mightily, thinking it was but a notion of my own brain; therefore I could not believe that my exercise was from the Lord, which made me many times go to God, and beg to be freed from this, for it made me weary of my life; but the more I prayed against it, it was the stronger on me. Then there were three scriptures given me to confirm me that it was from the Lord: First, “I will not alter that which hath gone out of my mouth;” the second was, “I am thy exceeding great reward;” the third was, “but you have need of patience.” Then was I desirous to know the true voice of this exercise, but still it remained very dark, only I was loaded and weighed with extraordinary meditations; all which proceeded from this exercise. I was so loaded with them that I was forced to it. When I began, the Lord furnished me immediately beyond my expectation.
Then came the tempter on me to dissuade me from such things as these, for they did not belong to me, and would but heighten my judgment one day; for my life was not squared like them. May not you live like other Christians, and not be taken up with such extraordinary duties? To this suggestion I gave consent; then there came a most fearful deadness and seized on me, and that scripture was borne in on me, “Refuse not him that speaketh.” The omission of this duty brought me to a very disconsolate case and condition; I could not hear the Word preached, so as to profit by it: I could neither read nor pray; I was like to forsake all spiritual duties whatsoever. After some time’s consideration, I saw that it was a temptation of Satan, who was still ill-willingly me when he saw merciful privileges bestowed upon me.
Then did I resolve to fall about the duty again, which accordingly I did; and I was no sooner begun to this duty but I found the Spirit of the Lord return to me; yet this exercise was in its nature to me so very strange, singular, and dark, that it wrought a great disorder in my mind, not knowing what to make of it.
One Sabbath day I was more than ordinarily weighted with this, and was also desirous to know what truly and really these impressions could mean. I got a similitude, which resembled my case very near; but it being so dark I forbear to record it, until I see more clearly what the Lord will bring out of it; yet, in the meantime, I got scripture to confirm me, that, for as dark as it was, the Lord would bring it to pass, which was in Gen. ii. Yet I think a darker and harder dispensation never any was trusted with, that ever I heard or conversed with; for it not only appeared dark, but I thought dangerous to believe; for everything that I thought was for the bringing of it to pass, wrought the quite contrary; which indeed wrought a great storm within me betwixt faith and sense, so that I was like to be crushed between the two, and I was held in a continual torment; for the wheel of providence seemed downright to contradict the promises; which sent me many errands to the throne of grace, and many bitter tears, heavy sighs, and groans, did it extort from me; yet the Lord did not leave me here to wrestle alone, but was now and then giving me a cordial, from the Word, to hold me up; such as, “the trial of your faith and patience is much more precious than that of gold;” with this, “Delight thyself in the Lord, and he will give thee the desire of thine heart.” But although these scriptures were sweet to me when I received them, yet the first temptation to misbelieve the promise imbittered all. I read frequently on Mr. Gray’s great and precious promises, and that with a great deal of satisfaction; there being many things so like my case, as anything can be like another.
Now, the Lord only knows what tossings I was exposed to; of all the cases I was in, I never met with the like of this. O but the body of sin and death grew strong! my idol had too much room in my heart, which was like to be my death. I was one night in prayer extraordinarily weighed with the sense of in-dwelling sin, as good cause I had: for I think there was never any that had such a large measure of a body of sin and death as I, yet none of my sins could hinder the Lord Jesus to manifest more and more of His love to me. O the sweet intercourse I got with heaven this night! I was more experienced what communion with God was. There were two things in Jesus, which were represented to me very lively, as these things which grieved His heart; especially from His own people: First, That for all He had done and suffered for His people to redeem them from death, and interest them in glory, yet that they should doubt of His love at every trifle; this grieved Him at His heart. Secondly, That it was vexing the heart of Jesus Christ, that, for all the tokens of His love He had given to His people, that yet they should entertain other lovers in their hearts, where He should dwell alone.
This was a sweet, and yet a doubting time to me in which night I was made to kiss the cross, in whatsoever manner it was given me; then was this scripture given me, “Come with me from Lebanon my spouse.” O but, for all this, the body of death got up on me again, stronger than ever; which gave me ground to think, it seems I have never truly accepted of the Lord Jesus in earnest, otherwise it could not be that any other durst take His room but Himself: and not only this, but it indisposed me for any duty whatsoever; in secret I was like a dead dry stick, fit for nothing; in public I was like a tree tossed to and fro with every wind of temptation, so that my life became a burden to me, for I could find the Lord in no duty. In this case I remained until September 21, 1697, in which night I was at an exercise where the servant of Christ, Mr. John Hepburn, was on these words, Isaiah lxi. 3, “I have trodden the wine-press alone, and of the people there was none with me.” Where he came with a new offer of Christ to all that were there, and told us that he had His Master’s warrant for it. This was a night to be remembered by me; for my heart was made entirely willing to receive Him; in which place I took the minister witness, and all that were in the room with me, all in heaven and earth to witness, that I am Thine for now and ever, and am content to forsake all other lovers, and to take Jesus for my all in all, on any terms whatsoever. There was nothing in the world I longed so much for, as to have the image of Jesus printed on my heart, that in everything I might imitate Him, and also to have communion with Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Lord, give me this, and I care not what Thou do with me, with respect to the things of this world. O keep me from the errors of this day, which are like to creep in among us; teach me the perfect way wherein I should go. And now again, O Lord, as Thy servant offered Thee to me, so I give myself to Thee, soul and body, to be for Thee, and not for another: and believe that I am accepted by Thee. O keep this clear unto me against the time of temptation, when the enemy will come and turn all upside down. I received a scripture, Jer. iii. 19, “And thou shalt call me, My Father: and shalt not turn away from me.” This was a very pleasant night to me indeed, where I was put out of doubt that I was the Lord’s. Then this temptation came, and so are all the world, yea, even the wicked: but I got leave to call Him “my Lord and my God:” and that it should be so, for now and evermore. Written by me,
ELISABETH WEST.
It pleased the Lord to give me another occasion of renewing my former engagements, which were dreadfully broken on my part. I saw that I could not walk with the Lord, therefore I must not let any opportunity pass of lending myself to the Lord. I also was at the time labouring under the power of a body of sin and death, and saw no remedy but in Christ.
There was word of a Communion at Prestonpans, at the hearing of which there arose a vehement desire in my heart to be there; I having experienced the manifestations of His presence formerly at such occasions, that called me to that place; also inward corruptions and outward dispensations of providence. I was persuaded I had the Lord’s call to go there, from these two Scriptures—”Seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” The other was, “Follow the Lamb wherever he goeth.” I met with some oppositions which had a tendency to hinder me to go there, but the Lord overcame them all. I cannot but remark two of these hindrances. In the first place, I had a sore and vehement pain of the toothache, which distressed me mightily, so that I was capable of nothing but crying of pain. There was none that thought I would be so cruel to myself as to adventure on such a journey to-morrow, and yet I was firmly resolved I would be there. The other hindrance was, that the weather was extraordinarily boisterous, with great rains, terrible winds, fire-flaughts, and thunder; so that I thought the house would blow down about me that night.
On the morrow when I awaked the pain of my tooth was quite gone from me, which I reckoned no small mercy, but still the wind continued loud and bitter, which made all the family plead with me to forbear my going there; but I gave a deaf ear to them all, and away I went to Prestonpans, it being Saturday morning. The way was very pleasant to me, though otherwise unpleasant. When I met with the poor women, with their burdens of coals and salt on their backs, coming to the market of Edinburgh, then I thought the badness of the weather does not hinder these from their earthly market: O, what a fool would I have been if anything should have hindered me from the heavenly market!
When I came to the place, O how sweet and refreshful were these Saturday’s sermons to me! Mr. John Moncrief was on Exodus xx. 24, “In all places where I record my name, I will come unto thee, and bless thee.” He observed that ordinances were the trysting-places between Christ and His people; and whoever there was that had been trysting Christ to come to this Communion, if they were come to keep the tryst on their part, Christ was also come to keep it on His part. He told us of four ways that Christ was coming to keep tryst with His people.
First, He was coming as a merchant, to see what His poor people wanted, with all the wares of heaven. And now, O communicants, what will ye buy the day? Secondly, He was coming as a physician to sick folk. And I must tell one and all of you, there is not one among you all but ye are sick—and that dangerously—of a sickness you must all die of, if you employ not this physician; and, for your encouragement, I tell you there is not one in heaven but what was sick of this disease, and He healed them all perfectly. Thirdly, He is coming as a King. And will ye not open your hearts to receive Him? Fourthly, He is coming as a suitor, to court a bride for Himself. And will ye refuse to marry the King of Glory? Every one of these things were sweeter to me than another. When sermons were ended, I, being a stranger in the place, had great difficulty to get quarters; but when all my hope was past, how wonderfully did providence direct me to a place where I was better entertained than I expected!
On Sabbath morning, being 9th October, 1697, I was big with expectation that all would be well; and when I came to the kirk I had no will to go to the first table, lest I should have been deprived of a seat afterwards. But about an hour before the sermon began, the minister of the place, Mr. George Andrew, came to the kirk in his night-gown, and seeing but two persons at the first table, he uttered this lamentable expression—”Will our Lord Jesus get but two brides to-day? Woe’s our heart; we have enough of weights on us, though ye add not this to the rest.” The words were scarce out of his mouth when the table was full, and I was there among the rest. I was no sooner set down at it but that word came with light, life, and power, “What is thy request, queen Esther, and it shall be granted thee?” I had a sweet time at the table before the work began. Mr. George Andrew was on Matthew—”Come to the marriage; for all things are ready”—where he made a free offer of Christ to all that would come and receive Him on His own terms. In which place I took Him to witness—the heaven and earth, the sun that shined bright in my face, to witness—that then it was a sealed bargain betwixt Christ and me; for I was made willing with the offer.
When the minister came to serve the first table, he came with that word in his mouth, “What is thy request, queen Esther, and it shall be granted thee?” O then, my heart cried out, my request is that the bridegroom’s image may be stamped on my heart presently. Come, Lord, here is a temple for thee to dwell in, such as it is; but do thou to it as thou did to the temple—whip out all buyers and sellers and everything that defileth it. I have great idols; unmortified corruptions, who, Haman-like, strive to overcome me. O, make me more holy than ever I was before, that the image of my Lord and bridegroom may appear in my converse with others in the world.
Let me have as near a conformity to Thee as ever any attained to. I this day request for more light in reading Thy holy Word, for as yet it is the darkest book I ever read upon. I also request for my poor parents as formerly, and all my Christian acquaintances, ministers, and people, and for our land in general; and that the gospel may never depart from Scotland. Come, purge Thy house of everything that hinders Thy appearance among the golden candlesticks. O Lord, grant me greater degrees of humility, both outward and inward, for I find my self-conceit sometimes like to overcome me. I here this day promise, as in Thy sight, to stand to Thy interest though persecution should arise, and to lay down my life if Thou call for it. Come, Lord, tie both me and my resolutions to Thyself fast, and I slide not back in trying times, and be not like that son that said, “He would go to work in the vineyards,” but went not. I must confess, to the glory of God, I got great liberty in seeking all these things, both in public and secret.
O, but it was a comfortable day to me, wherein my interest in Christ was as visible to me as if it had been written in golden letters before my eyes. It is impossible for the tongues of men or angels to declare the joy and comfort I experienced, and wherein I gave myself to the Lord; and in testimony hereof I take myself to witness, and all in heaven and earth, that I am not my own, but the Lord’s.
Written and subscribed at Prestonpans, 9th October, 1697.
ELISABETH WEST.
Now, as I have been recording the wonderful goodness of God to my soul, so I will also record how I improved this mercy, or rather misimproved it. O, who would have thought, that after this sweet and blessed Communion, where I gave myself to Christ, that ever I would have embraced an idol in my heart again? Who would have thought that, after such great manifestations, I would ever entertain such atheistical suggestions again? Who would have thought that, after such tokens of Christ’s love to me in the promises, I ever would have doubted and misbelieved, and called them in question again? But this I see clearly, that, as there is an unchangeable fountain of goodness and mercy in God, so there is an inconceivable ocean of sin and iniquity lying close in my heart, that is neither known to myself nor any in the world.
A little after this glorious Communion I was strongly assaulted with three great enemies, so that I was never in greater hazard all my days. The first was my predominant sin. It came back with such strength and force that I thought, one day or other, I would fall by the hand of Saul, and that the Lord in justice would leave me to be a scandal to religion. The thoughts of this tormented me; that I should relapse so often into one sin. My second enemy was unbelief. I was made to cry out, All my former experiences are but delusions; and that because of the strength of indwelling sin, which sore mastered me. The third enemy was atheism—the worst of all the three. It was so strong armed against me that I had almost quit religion altogether. O, how often did I express these words, “Happy, happy are they that can believe solidly the first principles of their religion, and do square their life accordingly! O, happy are they that believe God is such a God as His Word holds Him out to be!” There were three things that I found great difficulty to believe in concerning God, which bred a great storm in my mind. First, That God was omniscient and omnipresent; that He knew every thought and was everywhere present. O, if I believed this, would I sport and play with sin as I do? Secondly, That God was unchangeable. This I could not win over; once I thought He loved me, and now I think He hates me. Thirdly, That every sin deserves God’s wrath and curse. O, if I believed this, would I sin with such deliberation?
I cannot tell how I was tossed with these temptations, but well a wot they did me meikle skaith. A little after the Sacrament was given in Edinburgh, but I was not a partaker; the temptation was so strong on me. However it was with me, I am sure it was a glorious day, wherein I hope there were many souls sealed to the Lord. There was an extraordinary frame and melting of heart among the people, as if they had been all content of the offer of a reconciled God in Christ. Mr. John Moncrief was on these words, Isaiah xxvii. 5, “Or let him take hold of my strength, that he may make peace with me; and he shall make peace with me.”
Through the whole day I was in a lamentable condition, not knowing what to do. On Monday after Mr. Archibald Riddel was on 1 Kings xviii. 39, “And when all the people saw it, they fell on their faces; and they said, the Lord, he is the God: the Lord, he is the God.”
He observed that it was a great and memorable attainment to win to the knowledge of the true God. Of all the sermons I heard at the Communion, this was the most suitable to my case. When I came home to secret I got a view of my present condition. I saw that unbelief was the greatest sin in all the world. It is a mother-sin, from which all other sins proceed; it was the root, and all other sins are the fruit; and there was something in it that struck at all the persons of the blessed Trinity; and that it brought with it ignorance and rebellion. O, unbelief was like to destroy me! I thought I was the greatest sinner that ever was born, and that even Judas’ sin was no greater; for I thought that if Judas had gotten repentance he never would have relapsed into that sin again, but I have relapsed again and again. I wanted but a temptation to commit any sin. Now I am in a great strait how to record the Lord’s way to me for two full years, with respect to that dark piece of exercise I was showing of before; but this I can say, “There was both mercy and judgment in my cup.”
(To be Continued.)
Mysterious Hindrances to Preparation for the Pulpit.
—David Dickson, during his banishment to Turiff, in Aberdeenshire, used to say that he could not preach there as at Irvine, because he thought the devils of the North worse than the devils of the West; whereas, one hour or two sometimes would have sufficed to study a sermon in Irvine, it behoved him at Turiff to begin at mid-day on Thursday, and, laying aside all other studies, to take the rest of that day, with Friday and Saturday, to prepare one sermon, and even then he did not find such assistance as formerly.—Livingstone’s Characteristics.