(WRITTEN BY HER OWN HAND.)
(Continued from page 332.)
BUT when all the work* was over, and I retired to a secret place, I met with a new difficulty. When I thought to meet with God, and get my communion, there was nothing there but deadness: a cloud overshadowed me, and atheism came strongly on me, to such a degree, that I was tempted to self-murder, to which sin I was never tempted before.
In that place I sat, in a very doleful manner, till it was very late. I resolved to die in that place, and many sad constructions I drew; but providence so ordered it, that an acquaintance of mine, who came with me by the way, being in an ill case also, came seeking me, to see how all was. Now, it was a wonderful providence how I was found out; for I was in such a secret place, that I thought none would find me out. The first thing she said to me was, What are you doing? for my own part, I can neither pray nor think. I replied, And alas, for I am in the same case; what shall we do? After some discourse together, we concluded that prayer with one another was our duty. O wonderful! the very time we were at prayer, I found the clouds dispelling and wearing off me; then I prayed and found the Lord gracious to my soul. We parted from one another, but I remained the most part of that night in the same place, where I got my communion indeed in the largest sort that ever I experienced, which place was a Bethel to me, or rather I may call it a nook of heaven. It being a ridge of corn near Lundie Mill, and on the 8th day of August, 1698. In this place I renewed my covenant. I got liberty in pouring out my requests to the Lord, both for myself and others, and that with a great deal of delight: the eyes of my soul were opened, and I got a sight of sweet Jesus: and there I saw two things:
First, That the soul of a believer was like a chair that nothing could fill but Christ; where I saw the vanity of all created enjoyments; such as, riches, honours, pleasures, possessions, friends, relations, and all natural and lawful enjoyments whatsoever, without Christ.
Secondly, I saw that in Christ which satisfies the soul completely. I saw Him all things to His people. I saw Him house and hold, meat and drink, parent and husband, children and relations of all sorts, and their salvation, which is best of all; so then, a believer that has Christ wants nothing at all.
* Of a Communion at Largo.
Then did I return to the house of God rejoicing, and to give thanks, that there was such a measure of joy on my spirit, that nothing in the world discouraged me: yea, I could not get myself contained from telling to those who were with me, what a large feast I had got: which brings a word of Mr. James Kirkton’s in my mind, it is as difficult to conceal joy as to conceal sorrow. Every thing in my cup was joy: especially that my atheistical devil had got its deadly stroke; so that I went on my way rejoicing.
But I must also remark some providence with respect to our outward man. The Lord had a special care even of our bodies, and ordered everything better for us than we could have expected; but as we were coming home, we having the sea to cross, ere I came into the boat, I saw two men like ministers in the boat, where we were going, and inquired what they were (supposing them to have come from the place where we were), but in a little time they indeed discovered themselves what they were. They were two Episcopal curates. I shall set down some of the conferences that passed betwixt us and them, during the time we were on the sea. There was a profane wretch who pretended he would keep the company out of langour, by giving them a song; in which song there were both blasphemy and obscenity, the which none that had a tender conscience could hear, and not reprove it; one part of it being in mock of the covenant, the presbyter sacrament; and several of the worthy ministers were disdainfully mentioned in it. He was desired to be silent; but these two abominable curates encouraged him to sing it over and over again, promising him a cup of ale when they came to the shore, he being such a hearty fellow. This began a great controversy among us. Many things passed that are not worth recording; only this, they said in mock, “Have you not got a well purified church, since we were put out from you?” To which one answered, “Purify it as fast as we can purify, ye come in and purify us again.” And when that same one was reproved for his unbecoming behaviour, he answered, “In faith, the Presbyterians in Scotland have made the way to heaven straighter than ever God made it.” Then did one say, “How can you take the name of teachers, and yet hear the word of God profaned, and never reprove it? and you can swear by your faith without any scruple?” To which they replied, “Is faith an oath?” Then were they as men out of countenance, and wist not how to bring off themselves; but being ashamed, said, “I think you and I will not agree; God make us all good Christians, be of what opinion we will.” And when we came to shore we separated, as those who were well content to be quit of one another’s company. This gave me a new discovery of Episcopal government, that they, as to the generality of them, were but a pack of corrupt, profane persons. And this I must say, that since the day the Lord did me good, He hath been instructing me of the errors that were in prelacy; for which cause I desire to bless God as long as I live; for I saw, that among them, and their principles, were no other than the dregs of Popery. But I leave this, and return where I was.
I went home in a joyful frame of spirit, and with great delight I told what a glorious day we had at Largo; but this frame was but of short continuance with me. The old man, the body of sin and death, got up on me again, and soon turned my joy into mourning; sin grew very strong in me, and grace was very weak; and the first grace that I lost was watchfulness; and then in a short time, I lost them all. Then wist I not what to do with that woeful nature of mine, considering what a glorious time I enjoyed, and now what a desperate case I was in: I thought I was the greatest sinner that ever lived upon earth. Then I was represented as one that was shortly married on the King of Glory; and now I had put out my hand to murder Him. And what my judgment on the back of this would be, was inconceivable.
It is impossible for me to record everything that passed me at this time; only I thought if God should damn me, if I could see wherein He would be glorified in it, I could not contend. Then did I begin to reflect wherein God would be glorified, if I should be damned; and in order to this, I cited myself as it were before the Lord’s bar of judgment, to hear what sentence would be passed against me; what were my privileges, my attainments, my engagements, and how I had improven, or rather misimproven them. Then did I suppose that I would hear the glorified saints and angels cry out, Glory to God for discovering such an hypocrite as she hath been. Then did I suppose that I heard the godly, among whom I conversed and lived, when they heard my libel read, and the sentence passed against me, all with one consent crying out, and saying, Is that the woman that was thought so religious, that we have seen weeping so serious like at sermons and communions, and heard her talk so much of communion with God, and tell us so many experiences: and yet hath proven so and so? Glory to God for discovering such an unparalleled hypocrite. Yea, I thought I heard the very devils themselves justifying the Lord’s judgment against me as righteous, saying, This is the greatest sinner that ever came to this place. Then did I pose with myself, what I thought of these things that were laid against me; and, when I had considered the justice of God laid nothing to my charge but what my own conscience knew to be true, I could say nothing but, Righteous, righteous art Thou, O Lord, even in my damnation; I deserve no better at Thy hand. Notwithstanding of all this, I was not altogether discouraged at this duty; there was yet some hope left me. Hearing of a communion to be at Prestonpans, I resolved to be there, and witness before men and angels that I would justify God, let Him do with me what He pleased. (Not that I thought God required of any to be content with damnation.) And though I was not intended to seek anything there for myself, I being ashamed to seek any more mercies from God, having so shamefully abused former mercies so frequently; yet I thought I should make an errand there for other folk, such as my relations, my comrades, and the Church; and may be, who can tell, but the Lord may be gracious?
There were these two lessons I got from this sad case I was in: First, That an unholy, untender life and conversation is the worst enemy that the work of grace hath, especially after signal mercies received. Secondly, I saw that the sins of the godly, and of His own children, were more piercing to Christ, and more heinous, by far, than the sins of the wicked were.
I still remained under the impression that all in heaven and earth would be set against me; for such a vile, polluted creature was not, as I thought, upon the earth, as I was. Then began I to reason with myself, What is this I am doing? if I be thus loathsome, then the fountain and pool is fittest for nasty souls. Whatever other thing I am in doubt about, this I am persuaded of, that I want not employment for Christ. I went to Prestonpans on Saturday, where Mr. Matthew Selkirk was on these words, Psalm cxix. “Establish thy word to thy servant, who is devoted to thy fear.” I heard this sermon with great satisfaction. He made a large offer of Christ, if we would engage to be His servants; he gave us some properties of his Master; First, That He would work all the work, and yet He would pay all the wages. 2ndly, He would never put a piece of work into His servant’s hand, but He would be at the heaviest end of it. 3rdly, All the work that His servants shall work, they shall get the profit of it to themselves. Now, where will ye get such a master?
When I went to secret, I got leave to pour out my heart, both for myself and others; and there I engaged myself to be His servant for ever. On Sabbath, Mr. George Andrew was on Jer. l. 5, “Come let us join ourselves to the Lord in a perpetual covenant;” when he pressed covenanting on all of us, which accordingly I did at the table where Mr. Thomas Millar served.
(To be Continued.)
Sabbath Observance.—
It is interesting to observe in the review of laws passed by different nations during 1906, that Canada has made it obligatory that the Lord’s day be observed as a day of rest. France and Belgium have also enacted similar laws. To true lovers of the Lord’s Day these laudable enactments lose a good deal of their value, being based more upon humanitarian than religious considerations. In Canada, after March, 1907, all work for remuneration is prohibited; the publication, sale, and distribution of newspapers, and all railroad operations, are prohibited, with heavy penalties for violation of the law. In England and Scotland papers are sold and distributed on Sabbath, so that she may learn a lesson from one of her most prosperous daughters in these vitally important matters.