(WRITTEN BY HER OWN HAND.) (Continued from page 71.)
ON the back of this Communion, I cannot but say that the impressions of what I had met with were sweet to me for some time; yea, I had a great pleasure in thinking, and also in telling to others, what God had done for my soul. Likewise those with whom I conferred those things to, told me that this Communion was to them as great a day of the Son of Man as for a great while they had experienced, which was very desirable tidings to me to hear tell of; but as it seemed good to the Lord to put always a mixed cup in my hand, so it was at this time. But, as I was showing before, there remained a weight and discontentedness in my mind on the account of that family where I dwelt; so that I never went to that duty but I besought the Lord to pity me in this respect, and in His own due time to relieve. Then did I resolve to leave this family over the belly of all oppositions whatsoever, for I found that I could not stay in it with a good conscience; but this I forbear. There is a word in Psalm cxviii. 15, “The voice of joy and rejoicing is in the dwellings of the righteous.” So, by the rule of opposition, I found that sorrow, grief, and vexation are in the dwellings of the wicked.
The day appointed that I was to go away drew near; and O what ease was that to my mind! I cannot express it. But my joy in this respect was soon at an end. But that same night before I was to come away I took the fever, and this detained me a while longer, which providence had a loud language to me; but what to make of it I knew not—only this, I saw the Lord’s hand in detaining me in this place, and that for the punishment of my sins, especially that sin against light. During the time I was under this fever my spirit was very low, and in great trouble, both in body and mind, and that because I found indwelling sin growing on my hand, though my body was very low. O, the unknown, hidden, and secret abominations that lodged in my heart! They are both inexpressible and inconceivable for any to unfold.
It pleased the Lord I recovered this sickness, but with little health to my soul that I could discern. I saw no amendment on my frame and disposition of spirit.
Mr. John Moncrief at this time chose this place of Scripture to preach on—Proverbs xxx. 8, “Remove far from me vanity and lies.” I thought no text could be more suitable to my present case. He had many sweet sermons on the vanity of the mind, which was the very language of my heart told to me. I bless the Lord for Sabbath days, for on them I (for the most part) got aye something to keep in the life, otherwise I could not have been supported. But what shall I say? His way with me is all wonders, so that I cannot express them: But, alas, alas! my sorrow and vexation began anew when I entered among those that laughed at and made a sport of religion, and spoke despitefully of the Lord’s servants, the ministers. This I could not bear; but it was the Lord that helped me. Many times the Lord’s power appeared in making me put to silence those who, for age, might have been my teachers, so that they had nothing to say. What a grief was this to me, that I was in such a family! I revealed my mind to some of the godly on this account, but little to my satisfaction; for they gainstood my leaving of this place, thinking I might be more useful in this family than in any others. This was like a dagger thrown at my heart.
However, I was firmly resolved to leave this place very shortly, never to return to dwell in it again. I had great clearness in this from the Lord, and was particularly confirmed in this by one of His servants in the College Kirk. On a day there one of my comrades, who was in the same circumstances with myself—in a wicked family—we were lamenting our case to one another, and after this converse we heard Mr. Archibald Riddel, who preached on that subject of the godly’s being in wicked families, and what other duties were in being circumspect among them; but, said he after all, If ye cannot reform Babylon, come out of Babylon. This sermon was so suitable to our conference that we could not but see the Lord in it. But, before I left this family, I must record a sad and lamentable providence that befel the three kingdoms on a sudden, which was the death of our gracious king, William, whose name ought to be kept in everlasting remembrance by all the godly, but particularly by the inhabitants of Scotland.
He was a king endued with all manner of wit and prudence for the government of his kingdoms, both in time of war and peace, though indeed he was a prick and thorn in the eyes of the wicked, for both in his life and at his death they spoke with bitter indignation against him, though without a cause.
Secondly, he was a king that delivered—or, at least, was the means of our delivery—from the tyranny of Popery and Prelacy, two unsupportable burdens Scotland had long been under—but especially that of Prelacy, which was a yoke that neither we nor our fathers were able to bear.
Two or three days before this lamentable news came, the General Assembly were met, and Mr. Thomas Wilkie preached at the opening of it on these words, Exodus iii., where Moses turned aside to see that great wonder, “the bush burning and not consumed,” where he held forth, “How that the Lord had preserved His Church in all ages, though in the midst of a burning bush”—where he told us “That in all appearance there was some sore trial Scotland was to meet with very shortly which would kindle the bush in a flame, but yet God would preserve it from consuming.” Now, how soon this prediction came to pass, let any judge; for this was on the Tuesday, and the news were confirmed on Thursday, being in March, 1701. O, the grief and sorrow that was on the hearts of all the godly! Both ministers and people made great lamentation for him, fearing that this stroke was but the forerunner of others. For my own part I cannot tell what effect it had on me. I was greatly afraid lest in a short time there would have been a change of Government, and all manner of evil would follow; for we truly thought that Gospel ordinances would not be continued with us. But the Lord in mercy prevented these our fears.
It cannot but be observed that as there was much grief of heart among the Lord’s people, so there was nothing but joy and rejoicing among the wicked and profane; and for those of the prelatic party, they in flocks gathered on the streets, and with a merry countenance would ask at one another, “Where shall we go and drink the dredgie?” O, as that grieved me at the heart when I heard it! These men were big with expectation to be restored to their old posts again; but glory to God, their hopes were, like our fears, both disappointed, for the Lord gave us favour in the eyes of our queen, whose heart was inclined to continue our Church government as formerly.
The impressions of the said loss continued with me, so that the more I thought on it, it affected me the more.
On the back of this it pleased the Lord graciously to manifest Himself to me at the Sacrament of the Lord’s Supper in the College Kirk, where, I must remark, it was a time of strong convictions, especially for my doing despite to the Spirit of God in former times, but particularly on April 1, 1699, which I have recorded. O, as the sense of this sin lay on my heart, fearing that, because if God had a lasting controversy with me, I was made to wonder that He did not throw me down to the pit that very day for my horrid iniquities.
On Saturday Mr. John Schaw preached on these words, Jer. iii. 22, “Behold, we come unto thee, for thou art the Lord our God.” This was a wonderful sermon to me, and backed with the power of God on my soul. If I should set down what part of the sermon that affected me most, then must I set down the whole; I bless the Lord that I heard it.
On the morrow Mr. John Moncrief was on these words, Isaiah liii., “And by his stripes we are healed.” This was good news to me, who was so defiled with sin. He spoke to these three things. First, the persons—we. Secondly, the medicine—stripes. Thirdly, the effect—healed. He also held forth the sufferings of Christ in a wonderful manner; and God spoke by him, as I hope many within that house can witness and set their seal to it.
I communicated at the second table, where Mr. Archibald Riddel served—being the 12th of April, 1702—where I took heaven and earth to witness that it was a cure to my many diseases—a medicine for my sore plagues, both for multitude and aggravation. I cannot well tell what frame of spirit I was in, but I bless the Lord it was no worse; though, alas! alas! it was not with me as in times past. I renewed my former engagements in the strength of a Mediator, but in great darkness. At afternoon Mr. Riddel preached on these words, Deut. xxiv., “Ye are witnesses against yourselves that you have chosen the Lord for your God.” To which I thought my heart said Amen, yet through the whole day I was under a cloud. On Monday, which was the last and greatest day of the feast to me, Mr. William Wisheart was on Romans—”That ye might be married to one husband, even unto Christ, that ye might bring forth much fruit unto God.”
In this sermon he made great and large offers of Christ to all, even to those who slighted Him, where my heart was made willing and content to accept of Him on Gospel terms. He gave some marks to know if they were married to Christ they would be fruitful. All that I can remark from this Communion is that I am persuaded the Lord was with His servants, the ministers, for they were wonderfully helped to discharge their duty. As for anything of light and love I got myself, it was like the sun shining in a winter day—blink up and blink down; I continued not long in a good frame, but in various cases. The week following there was an acquaintance of mine on his death-bed, with whom I was somewhat concerned, on the consideration that his life was not so tender in the matters of God but that it might render his death very uncomfortable. I desired, as I could, to take the case before the Lord, seeking mercy to his soul. On Wednesday—the night on which he died—I was there present, and seeing him in a very lamentable condition, I thought it my duty to go to God for him once more, where indeed I got my Communion feast in a large degree. I no sooner entered the duty when there was an open door granted me of access to the throne of grace, where I got my sore complaints poured out before the Lord, both for myself and others, and particularly for this poor man, where that word came on his account, “I will come and heal him.” On which word I was made to hope that the Lord would heal his soul.
A little after this I began to stagger and misbelieve. Then that word, “Said I not unto thee that, if thou wouldst believe, thou shouldst see the glory of God?” He departed this life about six in the morning. How it was with him I shall not determine, but this I know, that it fared well with me this night on his account. Yea, for ordinary, it was never better with me than when the case of others was my concern, which remembered me of a word of Mr. Samuel Rutherford’s, “Run errands for others, and you shall get something for your pains.”
On the back of this there was a Communion at Ratho, where I was a witness but not a partaker, by reason that at this time I was extremely carried away with the corruptions of my evil heart, so that I knew neither what to do nor what method to take, for all means seemed to be ineffectual to me.
On Sabbath, after sermon, I was like one not having altogether the right use of my reason—I was so sore distressed with the body of sin and death. I remained a good part of the night in the fields, but was no better. I spent the rest of the night in converse with some of my godly acquaintances, which rendered the time very pleasant and desirable to me. On the morrow the Lord was graciously pleased to send me a word very seasonable to my case, by Mr. George Andrew, from Psalm ci., “I will sing of mercy and judgment; to thee, O God, I will sing”—where he observed two things:—
* First, That it was the Lord’s ordinary way with His people to put a mixed cup in their hands—mercy and judgment; not all mercy, lest they should say “We shall never be moved,” nor all judgment, lest they should faint and give over.
* Secondly, he observed, That whatever was the lot of the Lord’s people, they would tune it over in a song, whether mercy or judgment; but some would not sing of judgment. That seems strange, but, for as strange as it seems, yet there are these four judgments wherein the people of God will see matter of a song:—
* First, The judgment of corruption. At which I wondered.
* Secondly, The judgment of desertion.
* Thirdly, Outward afflictions.
* Fourthly, When Zion is in trouble.
He came over them all again, but I shall only mention two of them which suited my case most.
* First, The judgment of corruption. As to this, he said, some might say, Who would sing under this, which has cost us many salt tears, sighs, and groans? Many a weary hour, day and night, have we had with it, and yet to sing—how can we do it?
I will tell you these three things that may be matter of a song, even in this case:—
* First, Your corruptions have humbled and laid you low, so that now you are become the habitation where the Lord will dwell. May not this make you sing merrily?
* Secondly, Your corruptions have sent you many errands to the throne of grace, and is not this matter of a song?
* Thirdly, Sing, and that because ere long you shall be in that place where corruption dare not enter. Have you not then great reason to sing in this case?
* Fourthly, As for the judgment of desertion, you want not matter of a song for these reasons:
* First, The Lord is thereby teaching you that you cannot stand on your own feet. You are like a broken-footed glass that cannot stand without a support. Maybe when you enjoyed the light of His countenance you thought never to be moved, but now He hath hidden His face, and ye are troubled.
* Secondly, Sing, and that because this long desertion is but making up for a new manifestation, where ye shall get a new song put in your mouth—Psalm xl., where David was showing how he was in deep mire, where was no standing; but what follows? “He set my feet upon a rock, and put a new song in my mouth, praises to our God.”
I must confess this sermon was God’s send to me, for which I desire to bless His holy name, and resolved not to neglect the duty of communicating the first occasion that offered.
At this time I found no small difficulty in leaving the family which I mentioned before, but the Lord helped me to keep my resolutions and oppose everything to the contrary. I cannot but observe that, while I was persuaded to stay one day after another, that word seized on me, “Wherefore do you linger?” which signified to me that if I lingered any longer I should be detained altogether, and it might be a long time ere I got such another opportunity. On this consideration I left that family that same day, and that with much peace and satisfaction of mind accompanying me—a daintieth to me for many years before; and that word was very sweetly brought to my mind, “I was cast upon thy care from the womb even till now, and from my mother’s belly thou hast been my guide.”
The first Communion I heard of was at Linlithgow, where I and several others resorted; in which place I desired to make a surrender of myself to the Lord. I cannot express what frame I was in on Saturday and Sabbath morning, but it was very undesirable—I was so dull and dead spirited. In this case I remained until the tables were fenced, and then I retired to the churchyard, where I got some liberty to tell my case to the Lord, and came to the second table, which was served by Mr. Andrew Barclay. I thought he was directed to speak to my present case, where I got a new confirmation of my adoption; but that which was more particular was in the afternoon, he being on these words—Acts viii. 39—“And the eunuch went on his way rejoicing,” where he observed “That there is great joy and rejoicing following on the back of receiving Christ by faith.” He held forth this in several instances, and in the meantime my heart could have sealed the truth of these things. I thought he spoke the very language of my heart, and I wanted not some measure of joy in hearing this sermon. It was short but very substantial, and the impressions of it remained with me for some time. On Monday Mr. Burnet preached on these words, “Wherefore call ye me Lord, Lord, and do not the things that I say.” Then Mr. George Barclay preached on “Occupy till I come.” These sermons I was helped to hear with satisfaction, delight, and steadiness of mind, which was no small mercy, considering in what a wandering disposition I was for ordinances. I cannot say that I got what I expected at this Communion, yet I received ground to hope that the Lord was reserving more full discoveries of Himself to me till some other occasion.
The Sacrament was at Lasswade next Lord’s day, where I resolved to be. I was there on the fast day, but on Sabbath I was so indisposed in my body that I kept my bed for some days; so I was deprived of this occasion, which was no small grief to me.
After I recovered this indisposition the Lord was pleased to bestow on me another experience of His love and favour to my soul, in as large a measure and degree as any I had received before (but all His ways with me are mercy, love, and wonder, never to be found out!) this being at the time when the Sacrament was given in the West Kirk, and I being there lying by the pool’s mouth, waiting when the angel would trouble the waters. I had some thoughts to communicate the first Sabbath, but by reason of my untender, unholy, lifeless, secure, and hardened case, I durst not approach His holy table, not having the graces of the Spirit in exercise; for I saw there was more required in a communicant than to be in a state of grace—those graces must be drawn forth in exercise. Sabbath, through the whole day, I was loaded with a spirit of discontent; altogether discouraged, and fretting at the Lord’s way with me. I could hear nothing in the sermon nor at the tables that suited my condition, therefore I resolved to leave this kirk and go to some other, where I would hear my case better spoken to. Mr. Riddel being at this time on these words, “Will he show wonders to the dead?” I thought this was more suitable doctrine for me. Yet I knew not what to do, or where to go, I was so troubled in my mind, thinking that God would appear against me in some terrible manner or other; but in mercy He prevented my fears. I continued still, till all the work was over; then was I like to one demented and out of their wits. I retired to a secret place in the churchyard, where I seemed to be at the last gasp. I was like to faint and give over. I can endure no longer. Duties are a burden to me—ordinances are a weariness to me—because I make no progress in the ways of the Lord. I can stay no longer. O, I see nothing less will do my turn than a Trinity! O, the need that I saw of a Mediator in all His offices! While I was thus distressed in my spirit, the Lord, who is always an helper to His people in the time of need, was pleased to look on me with an eye of pity; in which place I got my bands loosed—strength conveyed to me—which was like life from the dead; where I got leave to tell my very heart’s complaints to the Lord, and to plead with Him former experiences that, for His name’s sake, He had done for my soul at former times and at sundry occasions in divers places, such as the Tron Church, the College Church, Lasswade, Prestonpans, and Largo, with other places, where I was made willing, by a day of His power, to accept of Christ in the terms of the covenant of grace. My reflection on these times was no small ground of hope that the Lord would yet do great things for me. O, the great alteration I felt in my spirit in a sudden, so that I cannot express it! And though I was not at the table, where He uses to feast His people, yet I must acknowledge “He took me into his banqueting house, and his banner over me was love,” when that word was borne in upon me, “Though ye have lain among pots, yet ye shall get wings like doves.” This was a suitable and satisfying word to me, considering what pots of sin and corruption I was lying among. I got near access to the throne of grace, not only for myself but also for others, such as the churches abroad and at home, my Christian acquaintances, my comrades, my dear and near relations, for which time my soul desires to bless the Lord, and take this as an evident token that I am called to partake of the Sacrament in this place next Lord’s day.
This was a sweet night to me, which I desired to remember. On Monday Mr. John Williamson was on Psalm ciii., “Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me.” I thought my very heart went out with this, saying, Song of praise. Then Mr. James Hart preached on Isaiah 1. 10. He spoke to them that were in darkness, to trust in the Lord; and to them that were brought out of darkness, to improve it four ways. First, Be thankful. Secondly, Pity others that are not so happily privileged. Thirdly, Ply the throne of grace for the church and interest of Christ. Fourthly, Make ready for trials of three sorts: (1) Desertion; (2) Temptation; (3) Affliction. All which I thought very applicable to me. After this I happened to be in company with some whose converse was wholly earthly. In this company I found no small skaith, where I found the Spirit withdraw, and the sweet tastes of His goodness wear gradually away. Then was I furnished with many convictions of my not improving the Lord’s presence when I had it.
I fell to drooping again, and was afraid that the Lord had withdrawn altogether for my resisting His Spirit, none being more guilty of this sin than I was; and it appeared to be a degree of the sin against the Holy Ghost. This was no small trouble to me.
(To be Continued.)
Memorial Volume of late Rev. Dr. Kerr.
All who admired the gifts and activities of the late Rev. James Kerr, D.D., of the Reformed Presbyterian Church, Glasgow, will welcome this volume as an interesting memorial of his life. It gives a brief outline of his career, and attaches thereto quotations from his lectures, pamphlets, and letters on public subjects. We are very glad to see that the writer, the Rev. A. Holmes of Kellswater, County Antrim, is in the fullest sympathy with Dr. Kerr’s vigorous opposition to the Higher Critics. This brief notice must suffice meantime of a volume which is neatly got up, and which records the strenuous career of a very able witness for truth. The book may be had for 2/6, post paid, from Mr. J. M’Neilage, 65 Great Western Road; or Mr. J. R. Kerr, 5 Nursery Street, Glasgow, S.