(WRITTEN BY HER OWN HAND.)
(Continued from page 143.)
SABBATH next I was in Dalkeith Kirk, where Mr. Campbell was on Psalm cx. 3—”Thy people shall be willing in the day of thy power.” Where he spoke to some marks of those whom he had called by a day of his power, which marks I durst not but lay claim to. This revived my hopes a little, but continued not long, for through this week I was in such an ill case that I could scarce breathe after the Lord, and any duty I performed was but mere form, for, though my body was present, my heart was to seek. In this weary frame there arose so great fears on my mind which perplexed me exceedingly, and put me in a great consternation: my fears were that the Lord would, in justice, suffer me to prove a scandal to religion, and that I would apostatize from his way, with several other fears which I cannot name. This vexed me to a degree, and was no small trouble, though none in the world knew of it.
But on Saturday night (a night never to be forgotten by me) as I was at prayer, I could compare myself to nothing but like one drowning in the water, when I thought I was over head and ears, and there was no help; even then, at that very instant, did the tender-hearted and gracious Lord take pity on me (for He is always a help in time of need), and darted in these two Scriptures with light, life, and power:—”I will be your God and guide even unto death. I will guide you by my counsel, and afterwards bring you to glory.” Now, who can think or conceive what a change this wrought on me in the twinkling of an eye? My dull, lifeless, and frozen heart was in a moment turned into a flame of love and admiration that the Lord should be so condescending to such an unworthy creature—this reviving being so suitable to my present case, as also it was solving me as to that doubt which troubled me—that I never got a promise of glory. The consideration of these things put me in a lively frame for duty; but which is more remarkable, how the Lord confided this to me, not only in secret, but in public worship.
To-morrow, being Sabbath, the impression of that I met with was very refreshing to me; but when I came to the place of worship, Mr. John Millar, a young man, preached on Psalm xxxi. 24—”Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord.” He observed that it was often the case of God’s own people to be trusted with many disquietments and perplexing fears, such as fears of their interest, fears of their acceptance, fears of their not walking up to their engagements,
fears of their want in the world, fears of their not persevering in religion. He endeavoured to solve these fears by bringing suitable Scriptures to the purpose, and I was helped to make application of them all. Then spake he to the fear that I was so much perplexed about. “O, say some, I’ll never win through this world and keep my garments clean, but I shall be a reproach to religion. But you need not fear that, for He hath said, ‘I will be your God and guide, even unto death: I will guide you by my counsel, and afterwards bring you to glory.'” At this I was struck with admiration that the Lord had sent His servant to confirm these two Scriptures in the same way and manner I received them. This was a blessed sermon to me through all the parts of it, and I desire to bless the Lord for this day, it being among the greatest ever I felt for confirmation and hope of glory, it being the 30th of August. The impressions of this kept up my heart for some time, and I was helped to lie about the Lord’s hand for counsel and direction in some temporal concerns; and though, for a time, I got no distinct answer, yet there were some remarkable Scriptures borne in on my mind, on which I was helped to act faith and believe that counsel should be given me when need required.
I abode in this place for several weeks, and was much refreshed in hearing Mr. Campbell on the Sabbaths I was there. After this I was for some short time at Inverkeithing, but what the Lord’s way with me in that place was I cannot distinctly record: only this, Mr. Charters being minister there, his ministry was also satisfying to me, and I got leave to pour out my requests, though not with such observation as at other times. For the sensible communications of His Spirit were but sometimes my allowance, for at this time the Lord was frequently speaking to me by His word. There were some things lay very heavy upon me concerning some outward providences. I shall set down some of the Scriptures that abide with me when I began to ponder on these things:— Psalm xxxii. 8—”I will guide thee with mine eye.” Psalm xci. 11—”He shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.” Isa. liv. 5—”For thy Maker is thine husband; the Lord of Hosts is his name.” Psalm cxxi. 8—”The Lord shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.” But it well becomes me to speak of the loving kindness of the Lord, for His ways are so many wonders, that the Lord should have been so condescending as to screen and guard me about with promises in order to help me to bear the trial which He was hastening to bring on; but His goodness would not send me out to the stormy seas without some suitable provisions for the trial I was to meet with. I have sometimes compared myself to one going a long journey in the winter season, it being dark and gloomy, the way also being full of mires, sinks, and snares, all which are very dangerous; but this I must observe, before I came at these places, I got either sun or moon light to
discover them, so that I might never be surprised at, nor entangled in, them, so as to despair of a recovery. And was not this great favour conferred upon me?
I returned to Edinburgh on the 15th of November, 1702, where I met with a severe trial, and though it be not convenient to set down the particular circumstances of it, yet it was sharp, heavy, and likely to be continued, it being from the hand of a near and dear relation. My trouble in this concern was very great, and that which increased my sorrow was that there was one who was nearly concerned in this trial (whose grief and vexation was to me as if it had been my own), and in this affliction they could scarce be supported, but were like to sink with grief and sorrow, and it was like to prove a death stroke. O but this was a sore and double trial to me! especially one Sabbath day, we being both exceeding grieved, not knowing what to think of this dispensation. In the meantime, these three thoughts were suggested to me:—First, How often have you grieved the Spirit of God and yet have been little troubled for it? When He is (for ends known to Himself) grieving your spirit, how do you grieve and fret? Secondly, That this present trial was not singular; for many of the Lord’s people have been so trysted, as both Scripture and experience will prove, as Samuel and David. Thirdly, That word ran in my mind, “The cup which my Father hath given, why should not I drink it?” There is not one drop in your cup but what the hand of a kind Father hath mixed, and why should ye not bear it patiently?
My reflections on these things were very satisfying, where I subjected myself to the Lord’s will and pleasure; let Him wind up His trial to the highest pitch, I shall desire to be silent because the Lord hath done it. On the morrow after it pleased the Lord to prevent our greatest fear, and the affliction was not removed, yet was somewhat lessened, which was no small mercy.
1703.—Now, as for the Lord’s way with me in 1703, I shall (if the Lord will) in some measure declare, there being some things in it remarkable. At this time there was more than an ordinary concern on my spirit towards the interest of Christ; this being a time wherein there were great fears among the godly lest we should again be entangled in our late bondage of Prelacy. This sent me many errands to the throne of grace, that the Lord might prevent it from all the corruptions and inventions of these men. This lay near my heart, both in private and secret.
I must record that, having one night met with several of my comrades for prayer (as it was our ordinary—once a week), there arose a very puzzling question among us, and it was this: What was the difference betwixt the Presbytery and Prelacy? Since they be so like other, in that they worship one God, have one Bible, and preach one doctrine, wherein do they differ?
To this question I found myself very unfit to answer, and yet could not think to let it pass without a reply (though not at this
time) lest it should be said we were professing a religion that we could not defend when it was opposed. I came home and brought this before the Lord, and I desired He would give me light in this matter; and that very same night, I must confess, I got something suggested to me wherein these two differed, but this remained so dark and confused that I could not make language of it, nor know how to put it in order. But I was helped in the way of duty to rely upon the Lord—that He would discover to me more clearly wherein these two differ in doctrine and practice. But what I am to say, it was the Lord, telling me in these two things: First, It was in the way of commanded duties I received them. Secondly, Every one of them was backed with His own words who cannot lie. And indeed this matter was no small case of conscience to me before I was resolved in it.
There was a word brought to my mind—”Contend for the faith once delivered to the saints”—from which the Lord taught me two lessons. First, That as the Lord had handed down a faith to His people, so it was their duty to be so settled, confirmed, and established in it that they may be able to contend for it when it is called in question. Secondly, That in all ages of the Church there have always been some to contradict and oppose the faith, otherwise there had been no need of contending for it. This night the Lord was graciously pleased to clear up many things to me which before were dark and confused, and they being so remarkable, I must set them down. There were some things in religion which I saw that everyone should contend for, and some things which everyone should contend against. First, The Lord’s own people should contend for Christ’s rights and prerogatives, that none lay a claim to them but Himself. Secondly, That all the ordinances, worship, and government of His house be according to His own appointment, and that it should be kept free from the inventions of men mixed in with it. Now, I began to compare this with Prelatical government, and saw how it was so corrupt with the inventions of men in their worship and government, and that they had taken the titles of Christ and given them to men, which is quite contrary to the principles of Presbyterian government, and ought to be contended against in these six particulars: First, They have invented a new head to the Church (the king), whereas Christ is the only King and Head of the Church—Psalm ii. 6, “I have set my king on my holy hill of Zion.” Secondly, They invented new officers in the Church (Lord Bishops) contrary to Christ’s appointment—Luke xxii. 25, 26. Christ is the only Lord Bishop Himself; all others are but overseers. Thirdly, They have invented a new sort of worshipping God by a set form of prayer, which is nowhere warranted, but rather contradicted—Romans viii. 26, “Sighs and groans which cannot be uttered.” Fourthly, They have invented the observation of some superstitious days as an ordinance in the Church, such as Yule-day, etc., which have no warrant from the Word. Fifthly, They have
invented a new doctrine, viz., that morality is the whole duty of man. So much have they set forth in the book called “The Whole Duty of Man,” wherein there is nothing but morality pressed, without so much as making mention of Christ’s righteousness, or employing Him any manner of way. This is not the doctrine of the prophets and apostles, so ought to be contended against. Sixthly, They are avowed enemies to the covenanted work of Reformation in Scotland, especially the Solemn League and Covenant. It having God’s warrant on it, therefore they disdained it and burnt it most shamefully, and put many to death for owning it. Now these were the things I saw to be the difference between Presbytery and Prelacy. And I desire to bless the Lord for what light He gave me in these things.
At this time began the fears of the Lord’s people’s interest, lest Prelacy should be again established in Scotland. For indeed the Prelatic party were boasting mightily that they would be restored to their own posts, and they were not ashamed to profess that, if ever they got power, we had but the sample of Episcopacy before, but now they would have pure Church of England. The hearing of those things put sometimes a new edge on my spirit to pray against these unhappy designs. Particularly one night, which I cannot but remember—it being the 5th of March, 1703—I, being in a very dead and lifeless case, could neither be concerned for my own condition nor yet for the case of Zion. I went to an exercise of Mr. Hogg’s about the evening, but could hear nothing to profit, which made me resolve to leave the exercise before it was done. Yet this I durst not do, though I resolved it; and glory to God, I did it not, for before the exercise was ended I found a wonderful change. Life was sent me from heaven, and I was persuaded that it was the Spirit of God working with the spirit, for it brought to my mind, and put me in order to perform, a duty which I had no thought of before; and it was this—to spend the night in wrestling with God concerning the present state of the Church of Scotland, and that the Lord would prevent the in-bringing of Prelacy again. I resolved that, if the Lord would preserve this good motion, I would spend this night alone in prayer; but providence so ordered it that there was a comrade of mine who offered to join with me in this duty before ever I had made known to her my design, the which I willingly consented to, and thought there was something in this more than ordinary.
This night we spent together, and a glorious night it was. I am sure the Lord was with us in a more than ordinary manner, and a great measure of the spirit of mourning and supplication was poured out upon us, by which I was firmly persuaded that Prelacy should not be Scotland’s trial at this time. I have sometimes read the seventy-fourth Psalm, but never with such light as this night, when we were helped to plead the same petitions—every verse had more weight than another, and every way suitable to the present circumstances.
Next day the General Assembly sat down, and a most faithful sermon was delivered by Mr. David Williamson—Psalm cii. 13, “God will arise and have mercy on Zion.” This sermon was refreshful to many, and no less to me than to any, it being so suitable to the purpose for which we had spent the last night. From this sermon I cannot but remark that it is the Lord’s ordinary way with me that when He is calling me to any duty by the secret motions of His Spirit, then, for the most part, He sends out a word by His servants in the ordinances to confirm it; and this is an unquestionable proof that it is no delusion. As to the particulars in this sermon, they were both so many and so good that I would but spoil them to set them down; only the whole subject he was upon was—What a great plague Prelacy had been to Zion, the Church of Scotland, and what a mercy it was to be delivered from it; where he warned all to beware of it. At this my heart was glad. In and about this time I cannot but observe the Lord’s way with me, both inwardly and outwardly. There arose great and strong impressions on my mind, which I never felt before; and it was this fear of reproach for what, or by whom, I knew not, but still could not get these words out of my mind—”Report, say they, and we will report; come, let us smite him with the tongue.” This was somewhat disquieting to me, fearing that I should be left to do something that would reproach religion, for which I besought the Lord to prevent my fears.
I revealed my mind to some of my comrades—what they thought of this?—whose answer was that they knew none had so long escaped the scourge of the tongue as I had done. Therefore that I might lay my account that when it came it would be both sharp and severe; which indeed came to pass, though not for a considerable time after this. At this time there was something concerning my outward condition for which I besought the Lord for counsel and direction; it being in order to go to a family in station of a servant, to which I found a great unwillingness for several reasons. But the Lord cleared it up from His Word that this was of and from Himself, and therefore I durst not reject it though contrary to my inclination. But to return to that which lay nearest my heart of anything in the world, and that was concerning the Church in this land.
About the beginning of May the Parliament sat down, and then there was ground of fear indeed; for the Episcopal party was busied about nothing so much as in writing petitions to the queen to grant them a toleration to be installed in kirks again. And also in the Parliament they had a great many friends ready to do them all the service they could, and it was thought by many it would be granted to them.
Now, it is known to none in this world how these things affected my heart with fears, and I thought it my duty to supplicate the Lord against it. And one day, being in prayer beseeching God that this toleration might not have success, then that word came, “See, I have accepted you in this thing,” where I was helped to act faith that it should not be granted. At this time it pleased
the Lord to open the mouths of our ministers to speak for the truth and interest of Christ’s Church, and declare their great aversion at this toleration; but particularly there was a sermon preached against it by Mr. Meldrum on these words, “Pray for the peace of Jerusalem.” This being before the Parliament, he had a faithful and free sermon, testifying what hurt a toleration to the Episcopal clergy would do to the Church of Scotland; and used several weighty arguments to show the danger of it, and what sad consequences it would produce.
Notwithstanding all the ministers could say, yet there was a malignant party in Parliament that would have it granted. But what say I? God was not wanting to give a new demonstration of His love and care for the Church of Scotland.
One day, the Parliament being met, it was concluded by many that the toleration would pass that day; but God in His providence sent such confusion among them that the like was never heard of, for they were like mad men, to stick and gore one another with drawn swords, which made them dismiss without doing anything. Then the noise ran that the toleration was passed, at the hearing of which I thought to have fallen down dead in the place where I was, for it struck me to the heart. Then that word came in my mind—When Moses held up his hands, then Israel prevailed; but when his hands hung down, Amalek prevailed. So that I thought that it was our hanging down our heads in duties that hath provoked the Lord to let this Amalek prevail. A little after this I heard it was not passed, but was to be done next meeting. This was no small comfort—that there was a night and a day left to wrestle with God concerning it. O, but the Lord was gracious to me! When I was in prayer that word ran much in my mind—”Our help is in the name of the Lord, who made heaven and earth,” and that He would turn all the counsels of the wicked to nothing, where I was helped to believe on the power of God, who can turn hearts when He pleaseth. Next time the Parliament met there was no small trouble on my mind what the day would produce; but glory to God, who prevented our fears and our enemies’ expectations, for the Lord wonderfully turned the hearts of enemies to be friends. That day this matter was ended, so that there was no more word of a toleration to be heard of at this time, for which cause my heart desires to bless the Lord.
Short while after this I was for some time in the east country, where the Lord dealt very graciously with my soul, and made over much of Himself to me in that sweet day of meditation. I wanted not Christian converse with some, which was refreshful to me, and as for the ordinances, they were both sweet, satisfying, and suitable; all which helped me to bear up under some small bits of trial I had to undergo in that place. Notwithstanding of the goodness of God to my soul, yet I found a body of sin and death strongly prevailing against me.
(To be Continued.)