(WRITTEN BY HER OWN HAND.)
(Continued from page 346.)
I WAS, at another occasion, at Newbottle, where, on Saturday’s night, I got a sweet while in the field betwixt the Lord and my soul. At this time I had a great many weights on me, a weary body of sin and death, the sin that doth so easily beset me, and other things also.
On the Sabbath there seemed to be a very good frame both on ministers and people, but I remained very discouraged. At afternoon Mr. John Flint preached on these words, Psalm iv. 8, “I will lay me down in peace;” where he spoke to the sweet repose believers had with Christ at all times, though in trouble and distress. But that which was most distressing to me was, he spoke to some that were sorely distressed for the indignity that was done to a covenanted work of reformation in this late transaction betwixt the two nations, fearing that the Lord would leave His Church altogether. “Be not afraid,” said he, “it is confirmed again and again that the Lord will have a Church in Scotland while sun and moon endure; and though the wicked world would lift up their horns to push the Church, yet God hath his eight principal men to defend it, and fray them.” This was life and marrow to my bones, for though I got nothing particularly for myself, yet I was content of the sweet soul-refreshing tidings.
At this time the family where I was serving were resolved to go and dwell with their family at York, for which I was very much perplexed, and could have wished the contrary; but this was like the Union, for nothing could hinder it, though it was told them it was not for their profit. They would heartily have taken me with them, but I absolutely refused, no terms would persuade me to this; for though I loved the family, yet I loved not the place and people where they were going; for I was resolved to take my lot in Scotland, poor and despised as it was.
This place I left about the end of May. Providence ordered my lot to be in the east country, at Gilmerton. The first Sabbath I was there the Sacrament was given at Tyningham, and I went there, but found not what I would have been at. Yet, glory to the Mediator, I was not altogether deserted, though nothing in particular, during my abode in this place. I think it my duty to record the Lord’s way with me. As for my own case, I was extraordinarily assaulted with temptations of divers sorts, which I cannot mention, only I saw that unbelief and atheism were at the bottom of all. O, what reason have I to wonder at and admire the goodness of God, in this especially, that gospel ordinances were sweet and refreshing to me on the Sabbath days by His servant, Mr. Thomas Findlay! And though he was not my parish minister, and though with some difficulty I got to hear him at Prestonhall Kirk, yet at my return I always thought my travel well wared, having still matter of praise put in my mouth. And when providence ordered that I must go elsewhere, I found it was a lost Sabbath to me in the public, for which cause I most frequently went to Preston, he being on the sweet Psalm xxiii., “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.” It is impossible for me to record what I met with in these sermons—only this, I sensibly felt God’s voice speaking to me by His servant; yet notwithstanding of this I was sorely distressed in secret duties. Sometimes I could hardly breathe there but sinful and unholy thoughts. I was, indeed, sorely pushed by the enemy; but, glory to God, on Sabbath days I ordinarily got a crumb.
There was one in particular, when he was on these words, “He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.” In this sermon I felt much of a present God, making me not only to hear, but to apply it with comfort and delight. On the back of this I was strongly haunted that there was some sore trial biding me, that would try me to purpose; and as I was enabled, I cried to the Lord to be supported in and win safely through the same without grieving God and offending the generation. I was in great fears what this trial was to be. I thought, What if I be left to be a reproach to the Lord’s way? I thought on many things what it might be, but at last it broke forth in a strong and fearful temptation to misbelieve all that ever the Lord did to me. I was extraordinarily haunted with atheistical and blasphemous suggestions, which made me cry to the Lord for help, but I got no sensible return; I rather grew worse—I was as one forsaken, and left to the will of the enemy of my salvation, and that which the enemy built his temptation on was because the promises were so contradicted by providences. I thought that there was no reconciling of them, and my spirit was on the rack on several considerations. I ordinarily resorted to the fields, and there roared over my atheistical and blasphemous thoughts; and that because I was in trouble, and could get no delivery, my corruptions grew on my hand, and the sin that so easily beset me, of which the Lord had promised me a delivery; but instead of this I grew worse and worse, and no appearance of any out-gate. There were three things I compared to my case, which were very applicable to me at this time. First, To a woman travailing with child, having a great many pangs, every one of them as if she were just now to be delivered, and yet bringing forth nothing but words. Second, I compared myself to a ship on the sea, tossed with wind and storm. Sometimes maybe they will see the shore, and think, Now we will win to land and get rest from the billows. Then presently comes a contrary wind, and blows them off from all sight of landing. O then, how is their trouble increased! Third, I compare myself to a bird pursued by the glede or hawk. The poor bird comes to a bush, thinking to find shelter there, but the pursuer comes and chases it out, so that it can find no rest, being hurried from place to place. And so was I; for I thought when storms were over I would get rest, but these were but vain thoughts, for my trials increased visibly, and there were none I could commit my mind to, for I saw it was to no purpose.
I cannot forbear to record what length I came in this sad distemper! I could wish I were a beacon, for others to be aware of such desperate courses this day. I was sorely put to by the enemy to misbelieve, and being at dinner I was observed not to eat. I passed this over with some excuse; but O, how long did I think to win out from all company! And it was almost impossible for me to conceal and hide my trouble; I was like to burst out in the place where I sat. I was like water seeking a vent, and must have it as soon as possible. I went to my wonted place in the fields, where I belched out with my mouth the very venom of hell against God and His ways, as if they were neither just nor equal, and that He was loading me with burdens I was not able to bear, neither would He remove them; and though He promised to be with me in trouble, yet now I am in the greatest of troubles alone, and can find no help. And in that very spot of ground I resolved to give over religion and to believe no more, for it was impossible for me to reconcile the promises and the providences. Yea, I thought, though an angel from heaven would come and speak to me, I could not believe. Only the God of heaven knows what a mad, distracted fit I was in. When I had burst out my heart in these hellish provocations and God-provoking expressions, I thought I was the most miserable creature in the creation, and thought I am now undone for ever. And as I was walking up and down the place, as one in a distemper, that word sounded in my ears, “Dost thou well to be angry, Jonah? Dost thou well to be angry?” At this I was struck with admiration and astonishment. O, wonder that the earth did not open and swallow me up. Is God yet on speaking terms with me? O, wonder at such unparalleled forbearance! Might He not have taken me at my word, and taken His leave of me, as I did of Him? But He is God and not man, and therefore I am not consumed. This is, among many others, another proof of the Lord’s kindness to me. Then did I desire to mourn over what I thought offended my so kind Lord; but oh, alas! alas! my corrupt nature!
About the beginning of October the Sacrament was to be given at Preston. The thoughts of it were refreshing to me, thinking, if the ordinary Sabbaths there be so sweet, what will a Communion Sabbath be? O, then, as I longed for it, but, that I might learn to know that He is not to be limited to any place, I got but a deserted ordinance to my uptaking, though I really believe the Lord was present there, both to ministers and people. But still I remained in the dark as to my own particular case.
Another thing I have to remark in this place. I was most kindly dealt with in the family where I was. They were kind to a miracle, and in this I saw the Lord’s hand, who performs all things well for me. I had a very sweet and refreshing converse with some of the godly in that place, though they were but very few in number. All things as to the outward man went well with me there, so I have no complaints but of myself. After I had spent some time there with the young lady whom I served, and whom I loved very much, providence so ordered that I must return to Edinburgh, which I did very cheerfully, having my dearest and most intimate acquaintances there, whose company I had a great deal of pleasure and delight in, and in our sweet fellowship meetings, which were accompanied with much of the Lord’s presence to my soul, and that beyond what I can express. About eight days after I came to Edinburgh there happened to be a very surprising accident in our lodging of a sudden fire at twelve of the clock in the forenoon—by whom it could not be known; but the house was burning and the flame going to the streets out of the windows, and none of us knowing anything about it that were within. My young lady and I being in a room near to it, we found a great smell of burning, and could not conceive what it was. I looked if any of our clothes had been near the fire; but while we were thus inquiring betwixt ourselves, there comes one who knocks at the door, and the cry arises, “Fire! fire! the house is burning.” Hearing this, and running to the room door, I thought the house would have fallen down next minute, for there was the greatest flame ever I saw so near hand. It pleased the Lord, in His providence, it was got quenched quickly, and there was no great skaith; only a bed was entirely burnt. What effect this had on me I cannot tell; but O, the alarm of fire was never out of my mind.
Next day Sir David and my Lady went for London, and left me and another servant to keep the lodging till their return. This was no small burden to me, having the impression of the late accident, and still fearing a greater. This, like a ghost, haunted me night and day. Another sad and dreadful fire happened that same day eight days in the Canongate-head, about two in the morning. When the cry arose I, being sleeping, got up in a haste and took such a trembling that I could hardly win the room door, fearing it was in the house again. We being in Parliament Close, when I came to the window I saw the terrible sight. Both sides of the Canongate were burning at once. I was struck with astonishment and wonder, admiring the goodness of God that we were not in the same circumstances. This put an edge to my spirit, where I got leave to pour out my heart before the Lord on their account that were suffering in this present stroke, and that He would prevent such desolating judgments in time coming. How I was affected at this melancholy sight none on earth knows; but still I saw the Lord contending with us and against us (but we could not see) by doubling the judgments in that place—for mine eyes had seen that same place burnt eleven years before. O, how the heads and the hands of the worthies presented me, which had been set upon that port where these flames were flying! These had secret language to me. This being about the end of November, the impressions of what I had seen haunted me. Be where I would—at duty and from duty—I was never free of the fears of fire. I never left the lodging but I thought there would be fire ere I returned. This became a very heavy burden to me, and nowhere could I be free of it. I thought, O if I had some godly person in the house with me, I would not be so feared. I got this, for I got a comrade of my own, whose religious converse was very sweet always to me, who came and stayed with me; but still my fears continued as formerly. I took this before the Lord, inquiring what could be the language of it, where I got a sharp reproof, and that of Micah was represented to me, “Now am I safe, when I have got a priest to my house,”—as if God were not sufficient alone. And yet my kind Lord was pleased to pity me, and Himself lifted the load off my back by His word (Psalm xci.), “There shall no evil come near thy dwelling; for I have given my angels charge concerning thee.” O, how blessed was this word to me! It brought with it peace and quietness as to this disquietment, so that I was no more in such excessive fear, though I was not altogether quit of it; but the great weight was removed. O, how much have I to record of the goodness, wisdom, and wonderful conduct of providence and care of God towards me, both with respect to my soul and inward concerns, and also to my body and outward concerns. So that I have reason to cry out, “O, how great is his goodness and mercy; and that my soul knoweth right well.” It becomes me, and is much my duty, to obey the apostle’s charge, “Be careful about nothing, but in everything let your requests be made known to God.”
There is yet another thing which exercised me for some time, which was: About the month of November there comes word from the Queen and her Council to keep a fast through the three kingdoms on the 14th of January next to come. I read the Queen’s proclamation, where it was expressed, “We, with the Lords spiritual and temporal, ordain and appoint that this day be kept for solemn humiliation and fasting; and that the Bishops are to form a prayer suitable for the day.” At first reading and hearing of this I did not well understand whether it was my duty or not to join in such fasts as came from the civil power, when they did not consult our ministers but only took council with their corrupt clergy in England, which we are solemnly covenanted against. On the other hand, I was convinced that fasting and humiliation was a necessary duty at this day and time. Thus was I in a strait what way to be determined, so as to please God and keep a good conscience.
I took this matter before the Lord, and in His sight I desired to be determined by Him alone and none other; and whatever was His will to me, I besought He would let me know and strengthen me to perform. While I was thus before the Lord these two scriptures came to me with light and life—Col. ii. 21, “Touch not, taste not, handle not”; Luke xvi. 10, “He that will not be faithful in little will not be faithful in much.” And I was persuaded this was the Lord’s mind to me concerning this fast. I had frequent occasion to converse on this head with several of the godly—what their thoughts were anent this fast. I found they were divided; some were for it, and some (but very few) were against it. And as for our ministers, they all went in with it, so as to let us know they would keep it.
This raised a new storm in my breast, thinking, What if I be deceived in this matter, seeing that so great Christians and ministers were clear in the head? This put me to cry to the Lord that He would pity me, and if He was calling me to anything that was singular, to give more than ordinary light. The confusion that was on my mind continued no longer than I went to duty, where I was confirmed again and again that it was not my thoughts, but the Lord’s, not to join with fasts that were imposed on us by a civil power, where prelates were a part of that court. I was also threatened that if I disobeyed the Lord’s command in this, it should blunt my conscience, in after-time to come, boldly to ask counsel, seeing that when I got it I would not obey. Then came that word of exhortation, “Be steadfast and immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord.” This was a new confirmation. After this, let all sorts say what they will, I was persuaded in my own mind concerning it. The Sabbath immediately before this fast I was in a very dead and lifeless frame. Unbelief prevailed against me, where I began to think, What if I be in such a lifeless condition on the fast day; how will I spend the day in secret to the Lord? Thus was I vexed and uneasy in my mind what to do, until nine o’clock at night, being in prayer, where the Lord was pleased to expostulate the matter with me thus: “Wherefore do ye halt between two opinions? Is not obedience to my commands better than sacrifice? Must your frame determine your duty?” With this I was melted down before the Lord, and thought shame of my unaccountable ways, where I got a bright view of what He was calling me to, as also refreshment to my soul in a large measure—promises of counsel and direction. And that word came with power (Psalm xviii.), “The Lord shall light my candle, so that it shall shine bright. The Lord will make my darkness to be light; his thick clouds passed away, hailstones and coals of fire.” Then did I start a question to the Lord, What if after all this I shall, by reason of my ignorance, comply in things of a greater and sadder consequence? I was answered with this, “My strength shall be perfected in your weakness. Is your complying in a little security to keep you in a greater?” O, what reason have I to wonder at His unspeakable pains towards the like of me—the most unworthy and ungrateful in the whole world! But what shall I say? “He is God and not man, and therefore I am not consumed.”
When this day of fasting was come, in the morning I found myself very unfit either to mourn over my sins or the land’s sins, but He that called me to the duty put strength in me; and though I could not join in the public worship that day, yet I must say I was much owned of God in secret. O, what satisfaction I found reading the “Confession of Faith.” What glorious days were in our land when that solemn covenant was made with the three kingdoms! What deep and hearty confession after the breach thereof! And after confession of sins—when they renewed covenant again—then the Lord returned to both ministers and people, and there were days of power in the land. Then I began to compare that time with the present age; and O, what cause of mourning saw I that none in public stations (such as ministers and magistrates) were making the breach of covenant a cause of fasting! And as for the ordinary sort of people, except a very small handful here and there, they knew no more of this covenant than if it had been written in Greek or Latin. O, but this covenant was near my heart this day, and I was made, in the bitterness of my spirit, to mourn over the breach of it in my day; and that, first, at the revolution, when it should have been renewed, there was no mention made of it then, when that blessed instrument, King William, of blessed memory, gave them leave to do for their religion what they pleased. Yet this was quite forgot.
Second, Are we not guilty of covenant-breaking in the late Treaty of Union? O, to win to mourn that we should have sold ourselves to be defiled by a nation whose errors we are solemnly covenanted against. As well the errors of the Church of England as these of the Church of Rome! Popery and Prelacy go hand in hand; and are we not covenanted, to the utmost of our power, to reform England? And because we did it not, therefore God in His justice hath left us to be deformed by them.
Third, Is not this day’s fasting a plain breach of covenant? To have our fasts from them that are avowed enemies to the covenant, as both the Queen and bishops are; and yet to receive fasts from them! This is, indeed, a cause of mourning and lamentation. “O that mine head were waters, and mine eyes a fountain of tears, to weep day and night for these things,” that few are laying to heart! I was made to cry to the Lord that He would send a day of power among us; where I was made to see that, till this solemn covenant was, for the breach thereof, mourned over by all ranks—ministers and people, great and small, from the throne to the meanest subject in the land—that till then we would not have days of power, so as to reform the land from the iniquities thereof. And yet I got a sight that such days were coming. Then I desired as I could to mourn over my sins, original and actual, but especially my predominant sin, that haunted me like a ghost, be where I will. I made mention of the land’s sins—covenant breaking; the blood of the worthies that was shed, who suffered under the late reigns of Prelacy. These are the cause of mourning.
Now, Lord, Thou knowest I love Thy covenant and all those that avowedly own it; and in testimony hereof, I, as in Thy sight, take and swear myself to it personally as it is in our Confession of Faith, and think myself as really bound as if I had been living and taking it in the year 1648; and think it my glory and honour that I was born in a land so solemnly married to the Lord. Thus I did in the sight of the great God, and when no other eye was present. And there I besought the Lord, if it were His will, I might live and see the covenant renewed by all ranks This would be more joy to me than the world can express.
Written and subscribed at Edinburgh with my hand, 14th January, 1708.
ELISABETH WEST.
(To be Continued.)