THE RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE OF A SCHOOLMISTRESS OF THE SEVENTEENTH CENTURY.
(Written with her own Hand.)
(Continued from page 111.)
BEING removed from my acquaintances, and having more occasion of privacy than formerly, I began to search my ways, though I did not think I was backslidden; and meeting with that word, “Turn at my reproof, and I will pour out my Spirit unto you,” etc., I took the alarm, and searched, and found I had secretly backslidden. I found out that the beginning of that backsliding was after the withdrawing of these rich manifestations I met with in Oldearn. Next, I found out the occasion of it to be the conversing with one highly reputed for piety, who took a liberty in his conversation which I could never go in with; but, having such an esteem of the person, his practice had some secret influence upon me that put me out of that degree of tenderness the Lord had brought me to. That which blinded me—that I saw not this before—was (1) I thought I was neighbour-like with these who were highly esteemed amongst us, and so I might soon be, for they were grossly departing from God, which afterwards appeared. (2) I was kept somewhat lively as to love toward the people of God, zeal for the cause of God, freedom in prayer. And this Satan suffered me to go on in, and likewise kept them in my eye that so I might not suspect myself, and that he might by insecurity undermine me, and draw my heart from God, I not being in an universally good frame. But the Lord, who never left me long in the dark, was pleased to discover clearly how it was with me, and by degrees restored my soul again to some more light, strength, and diligence than formerly, and encouraged me. Though I met with many sharp trials in that place, yet I was put to frequent examination of my heart and way. At length I came to this—That there was no evil in my way that the Lord had not both discovered to me and helped me against it, except in the matter of hearing the curates, which the Lord had discovered to me to be sinful at the very beginning; but, because others went on, whose judgment I preferred to my own, I would not begin a new practice.
The providences that put me a second time to enquire, were these:—
- Mr. Welch coming north, in a short conference, I gathered that he judged it sinful, yet he gave no grounds why it was so.
- Some had forborn hearing of them beside ourselves.
- I was for three months together that I met with something on the Sabbath to keep me at home.
- A fair blink of the Lord’s favour, that related both to my outward and inward condition, which put me to enquire what was in my way displeasing to Him, that I might put it away.
The former providences had put me in suspicion that I was not right in hearing of them. Upon which—time being set apart for enquiry—the Lord did convincingly, but kindly, discover (1) That I should not have owned such for the ministers of Christ, whose foundation was laid in the overturning His kingdom, they coming in by the oath of supremacy, which all of them took. (2) I had sworn to the extirpation of Prelacy, and there was nothing required of me that I was capable of, for establishing of it, but the hearing of them. By this I received such a wound that it kept me mourning all that week, especially when I considered I had sinned so much against Christ, being under a fresh sense of His love. In a word, there was never actual sin I was so much troubled for in the sight of God and man as the hearing of them (excepting unbelief), whereby I was sufficiently scarred from meddling more, and challenged some of my acquaintances who heard them not, why they suffered me. I so abhorred myself for countenancing them as ministers that I judged it my duty to speak against myself to any in that country that had the least appearance of good. Yet, notwithstanding of all my ills, the first Sabbath I left them was one of the best days I ever saw.
The Lord instructed and comforted me from Isa. viii. 12: “Say ye not, A confederacy, to all them to whom this people shall say, A confederacy; neither fear ye their fear, not be afraid.” It was the first day I was made confident of the Lord’s appearing again in this land, and that the watchmen should see eye to eye when the Lord brought again Zion; and so, for eleven Sabbaths together, still new confirmations of the sinfulness of hearing curates. All which time I was kept under the light of the Lord’s countenance, so that I was put many times to wonder why there was such pains taken upon me in that matter, except He was preparing me for suffering for it, which I willingly undertook, if He should call and strengthen me.
After this I met with many troubles, both inward and outward, for sixteen months almost uninterrupted, few days all that time being without some new trouble, or else some new circumstances of the same. As to inward troubles, there were desertion, wrestling under deadness, sin that did easily beset me, spiritual wickedness, and Satan’s temptations sometimes more violent and open, sometimes more subtle and secret, contradicting providences, delays of answers of prayers, seeming denials, sensible frowns, felt wrath for a long time together; all former experiences useless, except to trouble me more; faith tried to the utmost; soul faintings, longings, searchings, fightings; no soundness in my heart, etc. And for outward troubles, somewhat from every airth almost, some enemies insulting over me because of these afflictions. But, when troubles came to that height the Lord appointed them to come, the Lord changed His way, manifested His mercy, and gave me a breathing both from outward and inward troubles, and put me to notice the mercies I met with in the time of these afflictions; as (1) all the time of them the Lord kept me up with the hopes of a glorious outgate. (2) I had liberty to pray and wait. (3) I was secretly and sensibly supported, and got not leave to drown in these depths. (4) His work was going on, teaching me mortification. (5) The heart was made willing to close with His will, providential and revealed. (6) Agreement with death, longing for heaven, patience in tribulation, and some degree of rejoicing in it, both because of His will and because of the fruits I expected it would produce; and this was grounded on Rom. viii. 28 and on former experiences of the Lord’s way with me, which was always a growing rod and a growing outgate. I may say I was chastened sore for my iniquities, yet not given over to death as to soul or body; though all was threatened, yet all was brought to life through death.
The Lord was likewise pleased to discover, in the midst of my trouble, what a great mercy it was that my affliction was not sin; and this was by the hearing of the fall of one eminent in profession. I had likewise abundance of sympathy from the people of God and their prayers. “By this I know thou favourest me, because mine enemies do not triumph over me,” who were interpreting my difficult providences in a wrong sense; but the Lord made fools of them, even as He made me hope in the very time when, indeed, I was made a wonder to many. This filled my heart in some measure with His praises, for He promised me, “That for my reproach I should have double” (Isa. lxi. 7).
As to the bringing me out of my afflictions, the Lord did wonderfully empty me of self, and then held out the all-sufficiency of Christ’s righteousness with suitable promises and directions for my present case. The night before the daybreak became exceeding dark, so as I never remembered to have the like. It was a none-such, strong, and violent set of tentations from Satan; providences seeming to contradict the grounds of my hope in a particular; spiritual wickedness gathering strength against me; soul and body extremely weak under the sense of emptiness and vileness. I knew not whether the wrestlings against these evils or fear to be overcome was my greatest trial. But, when I knew not what to do, my eyes were towards the Lord, and He held me by the right hand, and suffered me not to drown in the depths, nor to be tempted above strength (though it was never so tried). “He brought me out of the horrible pit, and then was his going forth prepared as the morning.” Clouds vanished by degrees, and then followed great deliverances, never to be forgotten. These mercies followed: 1. Victory over sin. 2. Confirmations of truths, anent which I was formerly shaken. 3. Answers of prayers. 4. Fear to offend God. 5. Light to discover the causes why the Lord had been contending with me. 6. Much tenderness of me in His condescending to satisfy in some things that troubled me, whereof this was one, namely: That these promises which I met with were not fulfilled. The Lord was pleased to shew me that I was not able to bear the performance of them altogether, by making the very far-off apprehensions of that love that was dammed up in His heart to me, like to break my body into pieces; therefore, it behoved to be by degrees. Yea, He wonderfully condescended to me, and convinced me that He concerned Himself in every concern of mine, both spiritual and temporal, took the care of all things off me, called me to “be careful for nothing, but by prayer and supplication to make my requests known unto him,” and made out that blessed promise in the performance of duty: “The God of peace shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” He called me to be wholly for Him; He both promised and performed to be for worthless me. He told me my particular work, and strengthened me for it, as He called me to it, and made me to see that it was He that “wrought in me both to will and to do.” He made His yoke easy, and His burden light. He was at great pains in discovering the duty of having a call for what I did. 1. By letting me see that the things wherein I have been most crossed were these things always that I was not clearly called to. 2. He discovered to me the sinfulness of the neglect thereof. 3. Its reasonableness; since He bowed to tell us that His providence reached the hairs on our head, why should we not depend upon Him for every thing, how little soever, and acknowledge Him in all our ways?
(To be Continued.)