THE RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE OF A SCHOOLMISTRESS OF THE SEVENTEENTH CENTURY.
(Written with her own Hand.)
(Continued from page 426.)
THE fears that Satan and my weakness suggested to me having sense upon their side were these: In case of removal, 1. The trouble of these whom the Lord made concerned in me and my natural relations. 2. The triumphing of enemies over me and them. Also, 3. The destitute condition of my family. But, having liberty to commit all these to the Lord, they did not trouble me much.
As to my present condition: 1. Fear of impatience, though the Lord prevented the outbreaking of it even in my greatest extremity. 2. Fear of quitting grips of God and my interest in Him, which the Lord prevented. 3. Fear of being left to darkness and unbelief of the truth of the Scriptures. In a word, I was tempted to fear of being left to the overturning of all foundations. Yet, through the goodness of God, these fears proved an excellent mean to quiet the heart under my present trouble, though Satan intended no such thing; the Lord’s faithfulness appearing in making all things work together for good to them who are called according to His purpose.
The fears I had in case of life, which were more frequent and prevalent with me about the beginning of my recovery than in my sickness (there being then more appearance of life) were these: 1. Fear of falling into old sins, those especially that the Lord made bitter to me in that sickness. 2. Fear of unanswerable walking to so great pains taken on me. 3. Encountering with new troubles, I being under the sense of great weakness and indisposition to bear, like a tired body with a long journey, that I apprehended that I was at the end of it; I was afraid to begin again. But the wisdom of God appeared in this, that He made my sore travail in that sickness a preparation for a new journey, and made me willing to undergo my former troubles pleasantly, to be free of the present; hoping also for my former furniture under them, since without Him I could do nothing; and the Lord having made me to find more of the sentence of death in myself during this sickness than formerly, that I should not henceforth trust in myself, but in God that raiseth the dead; which was one of the first mercies I met with in my recovery.
A second mercy in my recovery was the great pains the Lord took to expel my fears by speaking that word, “Fear not, only believe,” which so far composed my mind, as I was made to give ear to what further the Lord was about to speak to me. Then He was pleased so far to condescend as to take away all the grounds of my fears. 1. By bringing suitable places of Scripture in my way. 2. By conference with one of His servants, who usually spoke the mind of God to me. 3. By remembering former experiences. 4. By meditating upon the unchangeableness of God, who shows Himself always ready for the good of both the souls and bodies of those who stand in need of and depend upon Him.
A third mercy in my recovery was this, the Lord hedged in my ways, that I should not take consolation in anything but in so far as I saw the Lord in it; yea, kept back the comfort of spiritual mercies in a great measure, though not altogether, to make me draw comfort from eternal mercies, in being ever with the Lord, in being above sin, temptations and tribulations; and in the meantime to rejoice in my relation to Him, and His revealing His Will to me, and assisting me to do and suffer according to His good pleasure; and wherein I came short, to glory in Him, who is made to us of God, wisdom, righteousness, sanctification and redemption.
A fourth mercy in my recovery was, that the Lord cleared up to me what was the element that through grace He made my soul desire to live in: He began also to recover my confidence of former expectations, by bringing some things to pass, of present use, though of lesser consequence, as I had expected; and thereby confirming me.
A fifth mercy was, the direction of those of skill; the Lord encouraging me to set about these means directed for my health, providing and blessing of them, and bringing this to pass most seasonably; as also discovering to me, that if it had been sooner, it had not been so well: Besides the Lord’s wonderful condescendency and tender mercy, in bowing to concern himself in very mean circumstances concerning my body, and these innumerable.
A sixth mercy was, Satan having bended all his force to bring me back to the way that God had been at so much pains to reclaim me from, the Lord wonderfully prevented by His mighty power, in the use of means public and private, suiting these to my purpose, with suitable providences of rods and mercies for a week together, the Lord always providing work for me to prevent sloth, security, and many other evils.
A seventh great mercy in my recovery was, That my great consolation was drawn from my interest in God, and the hope of my being ever with Him, the brevity of time, the hope of through-bearing, and that I might be for the Lord during my abode here. While I was sore troubled and put to it by the providence of the time, so that I thought it a great mercy to get the belief of the Word kept up in my heart, while the Lord delayed to answer his peoples’ prayers, and suffered so much from the ungodly; the Lord seasonably, by reading a place in Rutherford’s Christ Dying and Drawing, page 120, satisfied me in two things the Lord was then calling me to (1) To get my heart to esteem highly of the lot of the Lord’s people in their lowest condition; and (2) That their privilege even then is far above the wicked even in their most prosperous lot. Then I was made to sow in tears for myself and others, but especially for the work of God in the land, with expectation to reap in joy.
I had some steps to further delivery, but Satan used all means against it. I found the Lord in His providence leading me to the practice of the lessons He taught me in my sickness, though, alas, how little did I profit! I had given over expectation of deliverance to myself or to the land, if the Lord do it not for His name’s sake. The conclusion of this long and sore sickness was, that whatever the Lord called for at my hand concerning a near relation, I should close with it, and should seriously seek His mind in it, whenever I came to health; which accordingly I did. But rather was confirmed, that the way I had taken was right, than that I should alter my way. I saw clearly that I should not be loosed from this yoke till I loosed from that place, which I took to be my removing from it; and he made me see, that my concluding to go did the turn. This I had done before, having gathered it to be the mind of God; but some providences occurring, that seemed to put a stop to it, it put me to a new inquiry.
The manner of the Lord’s clearing my call to go from Moray was on this wise.
- The Lord having removed two children from me in two months time, the one in February, the other in March, 1672, I was put to inquire the Lord’s Mind in that providence. And (1) in general, He showed me there was no displeasure in that rod, which used to be the great ingredient in former rods of that kind. (2) He showed me particularly, that I behoved to go out of that place; and in great regard the children would have entangled me, therefore, He had taken them to Himself that I might be at liberty to follow His call, which He intimated to my soul with much consolation, showing how kind He had been to me in this wilderness when I had met with much unkindness from those that had brought me to it; and, by bringing acts of kindness to my remembrance, He overcame my soul, and made me to resolve to go with Him.
- He promised me His presence wheresoever I went.
- He cleared up to me from Scripture how acceptable obedience to Him was in such cases.
- He cleared up particularly from the Word that it was my duty to go from this place, since there was no way that I could be useful in it without being burdensome to others, which might not be in another place.
- By putting an averseness in my mind from staying, and by providences coming in my way tending to the keeping in that frame.
- The Lord’s pointing out the place where He would have me to go to, removing objections against it, especially leaving the Gospel, by that Word, “In the high mountains of Israel shall thy fold be.
Notwithstanding of all this, my heart was so grieved to part with my acquaintances that I feared I should never get it done; and therefore, in the last place, He undertook to bring me out of that place. And all this I met with in the most serious addresses to God that I was capable to set about, and I set five or six times apart for that end, and was shined upon in this matter to go my way, putting me in mind that I used to get my will by quitting of it, and withal assured me that my parting with my acquaintances should be but for a season. By all this I concluded to go; but it being a thing that I could not get done without offence, since they had found employment for me, and thereby answered my great objection, and my own heart not parting cheerfully with them, the Lord condescended to continue my staying for a time, and made my lot more desirable both for spiritual and temporal mercies than ever it had been formerly, and appeared gloriously to my soul, carrying on His work in me.
About that same time twelvemonth my former thoughts about going away revived, and the Lord, who knew me better than I did myself, saw it meet that I should find sharper work than formerly I had met with for losing me thoroughly from that place, viz., no less than a long and sore sickness, threatening to cut me off from being of any more use for Him, His people, or my own family; as also the deprival of the mercies I had been in expectation of, and the triumphing of my enemies over me.
(To be Continued.)