(Continued from page 62.)
PERIOD SECOND.
Containing an account of some dreadful assaults she met with from Satan, her deep exercise under them, and the remarkable deliverances the Lord wrought for her, and the grateful sense she had of His love and favour; together with her concern for the public interest of Zion.
AFTER this the Lord hid his face, and a cloud covered my soul. One night, when I was at prayer, the enemy assaulted me with this temptation—that although I was willing to have salvation through Christ, that Christ was not willing to give it me, though it be a fruit of Christ’s willingness to make a sinner willing to embrace himself. At this time I was ignorant of Satan’s devices, and charged the sins of his temptations on myself.
I was at this time perusing a valuable little book, entitled, “The Meek Christian under the Smarting Rod,” where I saw an account of a woman who was in affliction, and one asked her, if she was willing to die? She said, I am at God’s disposal. When I saw that she was willing to be disposed of by God, O how did this grieve me! for, when I was in the fever, formerly spoken of, I was more desirous to die than to live, whenever the Lord was pleased to give visitations of his love to me, “having a desire to be with Christ, which is far better.” But when I thought on the dreadful enmity of my heart, and such sinful thoughts of glorious Christ, as to think that he is not willing to give me salvation—when I compared these sins of mine together with the pride and enmity of my heart, such hard thoughts of glorious Christ, I thought they would make up and be guilty of the sin against the Holy Ghost. O with what grief did this fill my soul! I cried to God by prayer, that he would pardon mine iniquities, and forgive my sins; but I found my heart as an adamant stone, not suitably affected for the dishonour I had done to God.
Now, in this perplexity, I fell a-searching the Scriptures to see what the sin against the Holy Ghost is, and I saw, from Heb. x. 29, that it is a “treading under foot the Son of God, and accounting the blood of the covenant, wherewith he was sanctified, an unholy thing, and doing despite unto the Spirit of grace.” This, however, I was not very clear to charge myself with. But when I read Hebrews vi. 5, “and having tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come,” then I thought this was my case; and I concluded all was but a common work of the Spirit that I had experienced, and I was sore afraid I had committed that sin. Now I thought that if I had committed the sin against the Holy Ghost, “there remaineth no more sacrifice for sin, but a fearful looking for of judgment, and fiery indignation, which shall devour the adversaries.” O how did this fill my soul
with horror! And Satan violently assaulted me to take away my own life, seeing there was no mercy for me: at this time I was ignorant of Satan’s fiery darts, but charged them on myself, which still increased my trouble. I still abhorred the temptation, but when I was brought to great extremity, it pleased the merciful God to rebuke the tempter. And he said unto me, “Fear not,— I have the keys of hell and of death,” Rev. i. 17, 18. Glory be to God for his faithfulness, who did “not suffer me to be tempted, above what he made me able to bear, but, with the temptation, made a way of escape;” and he made me to cry, “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief,” Mark ix. 24. Now, it pleased the Lord to manifest himself to me favourably, and I see that my Lord hath the keys of hell and of death in His hand, and that He hath said unto me, “Fear not.” O what is heaven; and what is that state of glory reserved for the saints, when but a blink of Him is so sweet! O what will it be to be ever with the Lord! What we feel and taste here, by faith, is a part of heaven’s glory; but yet heaven will be an unspeakable surprisal to us when we come thither, for all that. O that I could love Him who is “altogether lovely!” O! I see such a beauty in glorious Christ, that it darkens and clouds all other things. I see no beauty in them worth the glorying in, but in my altogether lovely Lord. O that I could love him more! It grieves me I can love Him so little, when He is worthy of so much love. I think the presence of God is of a very remarkable transforming nature, and a change of spirit follows it. These things are found to be marvellously assimilating. The sight of God, the felt presence of God, is as a fire which quickly assimilates what is put in it into its own likeness, 2 Cor. iii. 18. They are said to be “changed from glory to glory.” It always elevates the mind, and it is of a very humbling nature. Neither the terrors of the law, nor the fire of hell, ever humbled me so much, as a sight of the glory of God. O that I could give Him the glory of all. Woe is me for this idol of self; it would pull the crown off my Lord’s head, and set it on the head of sinful self: but, O that He may wear the crown and the throne of my heart for ever. O this indwelling sin! this evil is always with me: the constant residence of it in my heart and nature. “I find a law that when I would do good, evil is present with me.”
On the back of this, Satan assaulted me again with a new temptation. He set the sins of my youth in my sight as if they had all been written on a libel, and told me that they were so numerous, and of such a heinous nature, that God would not pardon them, at which I was sore perplexed. I then went to God by prayer, and cried to Him, “O let not the errors of my youth, nor sins remembered be.” At which the Lord wonderfully condescended to bring me, as it were, nigh to His seat, and filled my mouth with arguments, and allowed me to plead with Him as a man doth with a reconciled friend. And I think He said unto me, “Come now, let us reason together, saith the Lord: though
your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool,” Isa. i. 18.
About this time I heard Mr. Ballantine preach. He observed, among other things, “That the Lord made use of Satan to rub the rust off the graces of his people, and to learn them to make use of their spiritual armour.” And he moreover said, “Ye that are tossed with tempests, read for your comfort, Rev. ii. 10, ‘Behold the devil shall cast some of you into prison, that ye may be tried; and ye shall have tribulation ten days.’ Take comfort,” said he, “it is but for a limited time, ‘ten days.'” This note was very refreshing to me.
Some time after my former happy out-gate from my above-mentioned distress, I found the clouds returning after the rain, and darkness covered my soul; and the Lord hid his face and I was troubled, and a multitude of vain thoughts filled my heart, and estrangement took place between me and God: and when I went to prayer I had no liberty, but came away crying, “O wretched” woman “that I am! who shall deliver me from this body of sin and death?”
On the Sabbath-day thereafter, I heard Mr. Clarkson preach. He preached on Psalm cxix. 113, “I hate vain thoughts, but thy law do I love.” These words were very refreshing to me, for he held it to be a mark of a child of God to “hate vain thoughts,” because they are dishonouring to God. And although I could not say, “I love thy law,” I was sure that I “hated vain thoughts,” for they were my burden.
Next Sabbath he preached at Crosshill, near Glasgow. When he came up to the tent in the morning, he asked us what we thought of Christ, and said, as your thoughts are of Christ, so is God’s thoughts of you. O but this question grieved me sore, for I thought if God had no higher thoughts of me than I had of glorious Christ, they were but mean and low thoughts. He preached on Job xxiii. 3, “O that I knew where I might find him!” But the Lord hid his face; and these words always haunted my mind, “Let death upon them seize, and down let them go quick into hell.” Whereupon, I thought these with whom I had joined sweet counsel to God’s house, and was in friendly society with, would come with Christ to pass the sentence of condemnation against me although they were the beloved of my soul. Because of the enemy’s oppression, I went mourning till my natural strength was much gone.
One day I was going into a room to sweep it and I saw a Bible in it. I took the Bible in my hand to read my own doom as I thought, but the first words I looked on were these, “Cast thy burden on the Lord,” but I passed on to seek the threatening; but, the next words I looked on were these, “Because they never changes have, therefore they fear not God.” When I read these words, the Lord so eminently shined on His own word, that He made me to see that a believer’s life was a changeable life—a life of absence and presence.
(To be continued.)