(Continued from page 105.)
AFTER some time I found a cloud arising, which I may say as the Prophet in another case, that, at first, it was a man’s hand, but gradually increased till it covered the whole heavens, as it were, and hid from me the refreshing and lightsome rays of the Sun of Righteousness; and it was a cloud of the longest continuance that ever I as yet met with in the house of my pilgrimage. So great a deadness seized my soul, that I could not think that such sins and grace could dwell together, upon which I razed the very foundations.
About this time I heard Mr. Smiton preach. He insisted very much upon the law, and I was sore afraid to hear the law preached when I could not see my interest in glorious Christ. Whereupon Satan, after all, did so hotly pursue me, that he violently suggested to my soul that God would suddenly destroy me as with a thunder-clap; which filled me with great fear and sore pain, insomuch, that I thought I was under the sentence of condemnation, and had lost all right to any of God’s mercies. And the enemy strongly suggested to me that I should not eat, because I had no right to food; or, if I did, the wrath of God would go down with it. This filled my heart with grief and sorrow.
At one time when we were going to take some food, a young man asked a blessing: he spoke a little upon these words, Isa. xlv. 22, “Look unto me, and be ye saved, all the ends of the earth; for I am God, and there is none else.” Upon which I thought, O! is there such a word as that, that calls all the ends of the earth to look to God and be saved? I reasoned with myself, surely that word takes me in, for I would have been glad to be saved both from sin and wrath. The enemy, however, strongly suggested to me that, though I had the external call, that I would never get the internal call of God’s Spirit, and, without that, the external will not do. O! I was sore grieved at the melancholy thoughts of having deceived myself; so rude was I, and, as a beast before Him, that I could not in this dark hour live by faith. I was loath to call all that ever I met with a delusion, yet, so strong was the temptation, I could not read my evidences or a title to his favour.
One time I took my Bible in my hand, but I could not find any comfort in it. Whereupon, the restless enemy did sorely assault me to burn it in the fire, seeing I could find no comfort in it. To this onset I was made to say, by the Lord’s pity, it hath been refreshing to me before now; and I held it with both my hands, and was made to say, through the Lord’s strength, I never will do it. At this time I would often wonder to see any laugh that I thought had not an interest in glorious Christ, it was such a burden to me to think of wanting Him.
On the Sabbath-day I was much burdened with indwelling sins: and, O this is my misery and burden, “When I would do good, evil is present with me.” When I design to draw near to God and promise myself comfort and redress in communion with Him, then is evil present. O! could I but enjoy my freedom from it in the seasons of duty, what a comfort would that be, but then is the special season of its operation. Sometimes I had liberty in our society when I could have none in secret, and this made me to think that I was nothing but a hypocrite, but, this day, I could not get liberty either in public or private.
On the Sabbath evening after our meeting was parted, I went to the fields for prayer very much burdened with my sin, saying, with the apostle, “O wretched” woman “that I am! who shall deliver me from this body of sin and death?” O Lord, I long for victory over it and that through the blood of the Lamb. Now, the Lord dealt kindly with me and rebuked Satan, and He has never suffered me to be tempted above measure, but has to this day always with the temptations given a way of escape.
When I went to prayer the Lord so shined upon His own word, Isa. xii. 1, 2, “Though thou wast angry with me, thine anger is turned away, and thou comfortedst me. Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid.” O with what joy did this fill my soul! I was filled with peace, joy, and comfort. In this season of duty I got all scruples and fears banished away; now, I got my love inflamed, renewed care, deep abasements, increase of strength, a desire to be with God, and improved mortification to the world.
Some time after this my spirit was overwhelmed within me on account of the Church and for a departing God and glory. Alas! what matter of grief is it to see so few owning a covenanted work of reformation! So long as our Church clave to these our covenants it fell out with them as it did with King Asa, 2 Chron. xv. 2, “That the Lord was with them, while they were with Him.” But, alas! many are going off these foundations both as to doctrine and government. The judicatories of this Church are so far infatuated as to thrust out from church communion and society, faithful watchmen, because of their faithfulness. This was matter of great grief to my soul, and it caused Christ’s sheep who know His voice, but will not follow a stranger, to wander from sea to sea and from one part of the land to another to hear the pure and savoury word of the Lord: and for no other reason, but because of their non-submission to intruders and hirelings, and such as the Scripture denominates to be wolves, thieves, and robbers. With many such our pulpits are filled, and many also were the provocations of sons and of daughters. And our solemn covenants, wherewith this land had bound themselves to the Lord, were too little to be regarded by a great many; I, myself, was witness to hear one of our ministers say, “We of this generation had nothing to do with these old covenants.”
All this filled my soul with fear lest glorious Christ should be provoked not to return again to poor Scotland. And, if He would not return with a preached gospel in plenty and purity, we had been the cruel generation who sinned Him away from ourselves and posterity.
One time when much perplexed in spirit I went to prayer, and the Lord was graciously pleased to give me some sure grounds of hope. I got leave to lay claim to Him as a covenant-keeping God, although we be a covenant-breaking people. Ah! when these covenants shall be revived, that shall be like a resurrection from the dead; they were buried in dishonour, but they shall rise in honour. My soul longs to see it. The Lord has taken possession of the “utmost ends of the earth for his possession,” (Psalm ii. 8,) to be the Father’s gift to the Mediator; it is His own ground by gift, conquest, infestment, and possession. And the Lord bore in my mind by an irresistible gale of His Spirit that He would yet say concerning this part of Sion, “Here is my rest, and here I desire to dwell.” At which my soul cried, So be it, O Lord, although thou shouldst cast us into a seven times heated furnace of affliction.
Another thing that still burdened my spirit was the want of a faithful minister amongst us to break the bread of life to our souls. One day after this our societies appointed a day of fasting. They desired to humble themselves for the many dishonours done to God by themselves and others; and, likewise, desired that the Lord would remove all stumbling-blocks out of the way of our getting a faithful shepherd among us. And here I desire to remark to the glory of the blessed hearer of prayer that He sent His word with such power and life into my soul, that it made me believe that our Lord beholds his Church with affectionate concern; for the words were, “I have seen, I have seen the afflictions of my people which are in Egypt; and I have heard their groanings,” Acts vii. 34. “And I will give you pastors according to mine heart, saith the Lord.” Now I got a ground of hope to believe that God would give us pastors in His due time. And I never got leave to raise the foundation of my hope; but, one time, a very contrary providence seemed to counteract the accomplishment of the promises, then I thought I had believed in vain. Now, I was afraid that all I had met with was a delusion of Satan, but, when I was raising the grounds of my hope, the Lord so eminently shine upon His word, Isa. lxvi. 5, “Let the Lord be glorified; but he shall appear to your joy.” This revived my hope again to wait upon the Lord till he should accomplish His promise, which he did about two years thereafter. And, O but the mercy that cometh to a Christian through a promise is sweet!
Some time after this I heard that the sacrament was to be dispensed at Stirling, at which I was very glad, and many a day before it came these words haunted my mind, Gen. xxxv. 2, 3, “Put away the strange gods that are among you, and arise and go up to Bethel ; ” together with these words, ” So much the more as you see the day approaching. ” But I desired to put the work back into the Lord’s own hand. I looked for a refreshing time at the sacrament, and it had been so to me before. But, upon the Saturday, my heart-plagues were so strongly raging within my soul, that I was afraid all that ever I met with was but a delusion of Satan ; for my heart, I thought, was as hard as the ground I then sat upon, and was sore grieved at the thought of my having deceived myself, and my grief lasted till the Sabbath-day. One of the ministers serving a table spoke upon these words, ” This is my beloved, and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem. ” When I heard these words, I thought, O if I could apply them to myself, I would rather than ten thousand worlds. Whereupon, the glorious Hearer of prayer was pleased to give me my request ; for then the Lord so shined upon these words, ” This is my beloved, and this is my friend, ” that I was made to say, O what wonderful love is this ! Well may I say, His love is not after the manner of man. O His love filled my soul with wonder, joy, and believing ! I rejoiced with joy unspeakable, and arose and came to the table of the Lord. Mr. John Cleland served it, and he spoke on these words, ” What is thy petition, Queen Esther ? and what is thy request ? and it shall be granted thee. ” He addressed himself to the communicants, and said, ” What is your request, communicants ? Is it your request to get indwelling sins subdued ? ” To which I said, Amen, with all my heart and soul ; I earnestly want to have my heart-plagues subdued, especially that sin of unbelief by which I had so much dishonoured God and was afraid that I would dishonour Him again. But then these words were borne in upon my mind with power, 2 Cor. xii. 9, ” My grace is sufficient for thee ; ” after which my soul was filled with joy and peace in believing. Again, Mr. Cleland said, ” Communicants, ye are at the banquet of wine, what is your petition ? Have ye any petitions to put up for the Lord’s cause and testimony and for the gospel to the poor West of Scotland ? ” At which I was exceeding glad, for that had been often my petition before this time. This solemnity happened in the month of June, 1743.
Here I desire to remark to the praise of the faithful God who grants us our petitions and the accomplishment of the promises, that the giving of the promises occasioneth much spiritual joy ; and when the promise travaileth in birth and bringeth forth, that occasioneth much more spiritual comfort. O but it is a pleasant matter to behold love making promises and faithfulness accomplishing them !
” Yea, I remember will the works
Performed by the Lord ;
The wonders done of old by thee,
I surely will record. “
( To be Continued. )