(Continued from page 181.)
PERIOD THIRD.
Containing some account of what befel her under the ministry of Mr. M’Cara. Her being seized with a lingering trouble, and what was both distressing and supporting to her therein, with her delivery therefrom.
IT pleased the Lord to give us a minister of the gospel, which was to us great joy and the accomplishment of the promise to me. The first text that our minister, Mr. John M’Cara, preached on was Matthew xxii. 4, “All things are ready, come unto the marriage.” O this was a joyful day to me! Now I must say, to the praise of the Lord be it spoken, in hearing this minister’s sermons, the Lord was so condescending to me as to discover Christ and heaven and glory in such a manner as filled me with wonder, and He assured me that all my sins were forgiven. O admirable free grace! O help me to praise Him! Praise Him, O my soul. I thought I had sinned Him away from me, but I see He will not stay away.
Although I got my former experiences confirmed by Mr. M’Cara’s ministrations, yet I was such a stranger to a life of faith, that whenever the Lord hid His face I concluded all to be but a delusion. I could not in the dark hour live by faith, but whatever changes I had through the week I got my case well spoken to on the Sabbath by our minister. For the most part I had a clear summer of sunshine till it pleased the Lord to lay His afflicting hand upon me, whereby I was laid under a long affliction, and all thought I was dying except they who had the secret of the Lord with them; these told me that “my sickness was not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby.” It pleased the Lord to continue His wonted manifestations to me under my afflictions, and by the presence of Christ with me in the furnace, this wilderness of affliction was made like the garden of the Lord. O pleasant affliction when Christ’s presence is in it! This made me often to think, O what matter of a song of praise had I to sing of in my afflictions!
One day as I was in meditation on David’s song of “mercy” and “judgment” (Psalm ci. 1), I wondered how David could join “mercy” and “judgment” together as matter of a song of praise to God, for I saw so much “mercy” in my afflictions that I thought I had no ground to sing of “judgment,” but all of “mercy.” But at another time when I was meditating on this, immediately it was imprest on my spirit had not God of His infinite goodness and mercy executed “judgment” upon glorious Christ, I would never have had a song of mercy to sing of but all of judgment. But, O what sweet matter of a song was this to me, seeing judgment and justice was executed upon glorious Christ in my law-room and stead! Then I thought I might sweetly join mercy and judgment together as matter of a song.
Though I enjoyed much of the Lord’s countenance in this affliction, yet I had also my trials. One thing that burdened me much was the situation of my father’s family, because none of them, I apprehend, were seeking after glorious Christ but my father himself. Many a time I went to the throne of grace for them, and these words came into my mind as the answer of my prayers (Jeremiah iii. 19), “But I said, How shall I put thee among the children?” However, I mustered up many objections against all grounds of hope for them. At length these words were borne in with power on my mind, “I will give them a name better than that of sons or of daughters, and I will write upon them the new name of my God and the name of the city of my God.” This gave me a ground of hope that the Lord would take a dealing with some of them, on which my discouragement vanished for some time.
During this sickness I had much ground to be deeply humbled for my obstinacy and rebellion against the will of God. I could not attain to a submission to the divine will. I longed exceedingly to be off the world, where I might be admitted to the nearest access to my Redeemer. O this unmortified heart-plague, self! O this sinful self, it greatly dishonours God. O that I could put God’s glory in its room. Surely it is as much an act of grace to be willing to live in obedience to God’s holy will, as to be willing to die when He calls us to it. Then the breathings of my soul were, O that my life were spent in His service! A life spent in the service of God and communion with Him is the most comfortable and pleasant life that any one can live in this world. O that I could praise Him for His love to me, one of the vilest worms. In the time of my sickness the Lord sweetly manifested Himself to me, which made me to cry, O when shall the time of my pilgrimage and the days of my banishment be finished, that I may get home to my Father’s house?
In this sickness, which was long and lingering, although I had much sweet communion with God, yet I had also many pressures in my soul, and amidst all my downcastings I had the roaring lion to grapple with. When the Lord hid His face I was troubled, and the enemy would persuade me that all that ever I met with was a delusion, upon which I razed the very foundation: I could not in this dark hour live by faith. Upon which I told my father and desired that He would cry to God by prayer on my behalf. Accordingly, He went out to prayer and I cried to God out of the depths, but I was afraid that God would not hear our prayers and this filled my heart with grief. O that unworthy, sinful, and wretched I, knew how to commend glorious Christ for His love! For when I was at the point of giving over all hope, then Christ came, stepping in sweetly in these words (Genesis viii. 11), “And the dove came in to him in the evening, and, lo! in her mouth was an olive-leaf pluckt off; so Noah knew that the waters were abated.” O what sweetness I found in these words! for I was persuaded that my father would come in to me with the olive-leaf of the promise that the waters of the wrath of God were abated. And He came in with these words (Rev. iii. 12), “Him that overcometh will I make a pillar in the house of my God, and he shall go no more out.” O the condescension of God! to stoop so low as to pardon a rebel and be reconciled and pacified to me after all I had done! After which my soul was filled with joy and peace in believing. It was a joy unspeakable and glorious, having now got good hope through grace that though He was angry, yet now His anger was turned away and He is become my salvation. O what ground of rejoicing was this to me to think of my new relation to God the Saviour!
After all, O what shall I say of my unmortified corruptions? I found my heart discontentedly rising against God, “Surely I was as a bullock uncustomed to the yoke.” It was not, however, for the greatness of my afflictions, for I could say in all that sea of sorrow there is not the least drop of injustice done to me. But I thought every blast of sore affliction would blow me into the harbour of glory, where I might enjoy my Lord without any interruption. But in this I was mistaken.
When the Lord turned me back into the wilderness again, O how discontentedly did my heart rise against the will of God! O it is a wonder that the Lord did not cast me into hell for my rebellion against His sovereign will. O, I could not win to a submission to His will, but boldly and curiously searching into His secret will. But, O what shall I say of the wonderful condescension of God to me? O that I could commend His love to others!
PERIOD FOURTH.
Giving an account of several trials and deliverances that she met with after her recovery, together with what occurrences took place during the time she remained under Mr. M’Cara’s ministry in the year 1753.
IT having now pleased the Lord to deliver me from my long distress, my great enquiry was to know what He might mean by this lingering affliction. And so great was the condescendency of God to me at this time that He bore in upon my mind these three Scriptures, “This is the will of God, even your sanctification” (1 Thess. iv. 3). “I shall not die, but live and declare the works of the Lord” (Psalm cxviii. 17). “Bind up the testimony, seal the law among my disciples” (Isaiah viii. 16). But my heart discontentedly rose against them and then I found nothing but confusion.
Though the Lord had now delivered me from my long afflictions, yet I reckoned that but a small mercy. O with what contempt did I look upon the world and time’s things! The Lord again hid His face and the body of sin and death got a grip of me; immediately a storm of trying providences comes and seems to contradict the promises, so that I was tempted to call all the promises delusions; I could not know the real language of the dispensations. The time of the sacrament being to be dispensed drew near, which bred many doubts in my mind, for I knew not what to do.
On the Sabbath that Mr. John M’Cara intimated the sacrament he said, “That it was a custom, in old times, to release a prisoner at the feast;” and he moreover added, “who knows but the Lord may release some notable prisoner at this feast? If so, then ye shall have a song in the night when the holy solemnity is kept and gladness of heart, as when one goeth with a pipe to come into the mountain of the Lord to the mighty one of Israel.” This was good news to me indeed, for it was night with my soul.
On the Saturday night Mr. M’Cara spoke on these words, “Prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of Hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it” (Mal. iii. 10). O the sweet intercourse I got with the Lord this night! When I was going out to the fields for secret prayer these words came with power (Song vii. 11, 12), “Come, my beloved, let us go forth into the fields; let us lodge in the villages. Let us get up early to the vineyards; let us see if the vine flourish, whether the tender grape appear, and the pomegranates bud forth: there will I give thee my loves.” O how sweet and refreshful were these words to me! O this was a sweet night to me indeed, where I enjoyed communion and fellowship with the Lord! O the love and joy I was filled with! O that I may never forget the communion I had in this place. I may call this place “Ebenezer” or “Bethel” where I met with God. O but it was a comfortable night to me, a night wherein my interest in Christ was made as visible to me as it had been written in golden letters before mine eyes. It is impossible for the tongue of men or angels to declare the joy and comfort I experienced. O that I could bless the Lord for His loving-kindness to me!
About two or three days after this communion when I was about my ordinary employment, I got leave to view the Spirit of God in every step of my conversion; when, with wonder, viewing this work of redemption so gloriously displayed, I went out to bless and praise the Lord who had made me to rejoice in His salvation; but when I was at prayer the roaring lion did attack me suddenly, and with one of his fiery darts he wounded me. My prosperous state was quickly turned into misery. The enemy suggested to me that I was nothing but a hypocrite, “for ye only love God for his benefits, not for holiness, which hypocrites do.” To which I said, “That is a truth, for I know not what it is to love God for his holiness.” O how vexing was this to me! I went out rejoicing, but I came in again full of sorrow. O the sudden change I experienced! for a little before I thought I was as it had been at the suburbs of heaven, but now brought down to the borders of hell; for, since the first day that glorious Christ revealed Himself to me, I could never live out of the sight of my interest in Him but in great extremity.
Thus perplexed, I began to examine what length I had come in the way of God, or whether a hypocrite might not attain to all I had and yet come short of saving grace. I prayed, and so did the proud Pharisee. I converse with the godly, and so did the foolish virgins. I communicate, and so did these hypocrites. I have a delight in seeking the Lord and so had these (Isaiah lviii. 2). I am free of gross outbreaks, and so was the young man (Mark x. 20). Now, what am I more than these? They can never love God for His holiness, but they may love God for His benefits. This induced me to send many a petition to the throne of grace. But I said, O this is a depth I will never win out of again, but that word still haunted my mind, “For my thoughts are not as your thoughts.” O how shall I testify the goodness of God, who is always a friend in time of need to poor, faithless, undeserving, and ungrateful me?
The Sabbath morning Mr. M’Cara prefaced on Psalm cxvi. 2, “The sorrows of death compassed me, and the pains of hell gat hold upon me; I found trouble and sorrow.” And I must say to the praise of the Lord, he was helped to speak as pointedly to my case as if he had known all my thoughts. This day he was God’s messenger to me, as many a time he had been where I have found breathings of the Spirit of God on my soul. “Bless the Lord, O my soul, who redeemeth thy life from destruction; bless him, all ye hosts of heaven.” And as the Lord shall help me, I shall record what of His kindness I met with at this sacrament. O that I could so do it as to make every one that heareth of it fall in love with the lovely and sweet Jesus!
I was then under the ministry of Mr. M’Cara in the year 1753. I desire to remark to the glory of God if I could really do it, this being a time of special manifestations after a dark night of desertion. I may well remember this day with wonder and admiration at the love of God in Christ Jesus. In the morning when I was at secret prayer, I got near access to the throne of grace, where I got my heart poured out before the Lord with a great deal of sweetness and composure of spirit attending it. At this time there was a burden laid on my spirit for the Church. I was afraid that the Lord was about to depart from us; but this morning I got leave to plead with Him for the Church as a man doth with a reconciled friend, and He filled my mouth with arguments. And I desired to be humbled for my own sins and for the sins of the congregation whereof I was a member, and for the sins of the land which hath provoked the Lord to depart from us. Being thus concerned, O how sweetly were these words brought in on my mind, “Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.” O this made me wonder at His love, for He drew aside the veil and made me see into the secret of His covenant, whereof I can neither speak nor write to any purpose.
But when I was coming to the ordinances the great adversary of God and man assaulted me with his fiery darts in order to keep me back from paying in the tribute of praise which was due by me to my great Deliverer who had loosed my bands. The enemy suggested to me that my enjoyments were but the joys which temporary believers or hypocrites may have sometimes in the Word. But I think “joy in the Holy Ghost” hath an enlarging, humbling, and sanctifying influence upon my soul, whereas the joy of hypocrites hath no such effects.
When I was at the table of the Lord, O how sweet were these words to me (Isaiah xliii. 4), “Since thou was precious in my sight, thou hast been honourable, and I have loved thee.” O what ground of rejoicing was this to my soul, to have a God in Christ for its reconciled portion.
On the Monday morning as I was going to the ordinances my Lord was departed from me, which perplexed me much. I thought, O I have left Him at a communion table not to see Him again! There was a room in my soul the whole world could not fill up without glorious Christ Himself; there was a most vehement flame of love in my soul for Him which many waters could not quench. Oh! I could not think of wanting my Lord! I say, I could not think of wanting my Lord again.
Public worship began, and then Mr. Telfer preached on Isaiah xxvi. 9, “With my soul have I desired thee in the night, and with my spirit within me will I seek thee early.” In the time of this preaching I got a glorious discovery of my Lord again with these words, “It is expedient for you that I go away.” Now, I can neither express the joy nor the sorrow I had on my spirit. I got liberty to converse with Him as with a loving friend, or as a wife with a loving husband. But, O this filled my heart with sorrow to think of parting with my Lord again. I would rather have died on the Mount, and the valley of vision been my burial place, than come away without Christ.
Mr. Fisher closed the work on these words, “Follow the Lamb whithersoever He goeth.” He held out Christ to be the believer’s leader, and said, “If we had a leader in a strange way, we would readily ask this and that mark about the way at our leader, and would have converse with our leader.” O how confirming was this to me! yet I came away with a sorrowful heart from the ordinances because my Lord told me that “it was expedient for me that He should go away,” and my spiritual enemies were to meet with me again. I cannot but say to the praise of the Lord, the last day of the feast was the greatest day of it. I never before experienced the like on the last day of a solemnity. This was a time of feasting indeed! I may well call the place a “Bochim,” a place of weeping; or a “Bethel,” a place where I saw the Lord.
How reprovable then are these ministers at this day who are for putting away all the preachings about sacramental occasions, but the fast-day and the Sabbath-day’s preachings, when the Lord has been pleased to give so much of His countenance on these days? They are depriving poor souls of a feast on these occasions if it lay in their power to hinder it. They say upon the matter, “Behold, what a weariness is it to serve God; and they have snuffed at it, saith the Lord of Hosts.”
It is to be lamented that the judicatories of this Church are many ways overthrowing these foundations both as to doctrine and government. Who would have thought that it would have been deputed in Scotland that Christ, the King of Zion, hath a fixed government in this visible Church? How will ye exonerate yourselves at the hand of God and of Christ, who laid no other burden upon you than this, “Hold fast till I come.” Poor covenant-breaking Scotland never thinks upon this.
(To be continued.)
Holy Water.—The publication in Spain by the Spanish Religious Tract and Book Society of a pamphlet, entitled “Holy Water,” has met with great success, and has been the means of creating in the minds of many Roman Catholics in that country an absolute horror of “Holy” Water. This pamphlet is written by Luis Lopez Rodriguez, B.A., the son of the Director of the Figueras Evangelistic Mission. The author has studied medicine in London and is therefore qualified to deal with the subject of his pamphlet, which exposes the alarming dangers to public health caused by the use of “Holy” Water. So successful has this pamphlet been that in some parts of Spain an absolute horror of the microbe-infested water which is to be found in Roman Catholic churches has arisen. Madame Rodriguez tells me that in one part of Spain the rector of a church has ordered running water to be supplied for the stoups in order to counteract the panic! The Spanish Religious Tract and Book Society, whose offices are at Figueras, Province Geron, desire to circulate the English edition of the pamphlet in this country. I trust that the Society will succeed in its endeavour, for English Roman Catholics should be warned of the dangers which beset them owing to their close intimacy with that disease-disseminating liquid termed “Holy Water.”—Protestant Observer.