ON the 18th May, 1755, Mr. Cock preached on Psalm lxxxvii. 7, “All my springs are in thee.” O glorious day of the Gospel! And glory be to God I got leave to apply the love of Christ and the promise sealed with the blood of Christ. Why does sin prevail so much, but because we believe the love of Christ so little. O for more faith and more love in Him, who “is altogether lovely!”
After this glorious display of God’s love, the enemy violently suggested to me that the Lord would bring forth all my writings, at the day of judgment, as so many witnesses against me. At which I was a little shaken, yet I had no inclination to dishonour God by unbelief. These words came in to my mind, that Satan is “a liar from the beginning, and the father of liars.” O that I bless the Lord for it, who did not withhold the witness of His Spirit to bear witness with my spirit to the truth of what I had written; and I got leave to delight myself in His love again for some time. And when my conscience accused me for any sin, I got liberty to apply the blood of Christ afresh for justification and sanctification.
Some time after this, the enemy gave me a new onset, and told me I was a great fool to make application to Christ’s blood, for I could have no benefit by it, seeing I had profaned it, by often coming to it with my sins; and therefore the Lord would reject my confidence in the blood of Christ. Alas! this filled my soul with grief and trouble: I thought I could be content to die a beggar at mercy’s door, if I might win in: but I thought my hope of mercy was gone for ever, if the Lord had rejected my hope in and through the meritorious virtue of the blood of the “Lamb slain, before the foundation of the world.”
By this time my distress was so great that I was afraid I would be deprived of the exercise of my reason, and my religion come to be ridiculed by the profane world: “The arrows of the Almighty did drink up my spirits” night and day. Whilst I was thus in the fearful pit and sinking in the miry clay, these words came into my mind, “and I will give thee the morning star, to find out the depth of Satan’s arrows.” I took my Bible to see the words, but when I found them, they did not read that way, and this grieved me also, for I thought the words came from Satan; and I was sore grieved at the melancholy thoughts of having deceived myself so long. The enemy did again violently assault me to curse God for His way of dealing with me. But this I rejected with abhorrence, and said, No, no. Shall I employ my tongue in cursing of God, when, not many days ago, I could not get Him praised enough, who is exalted above all blessing and praise? and on which I invited the whole creation to join with me in my melodious song of praise. No, no; I would rather want my tongue than to have it employed in cursing of God. Then these words came into my mind, “The Lord is mighty to save to the uttermost;” with Zech. iii. 1, “And he shewed me Joshua, the high-priest, standing before the angel of the Lord, and Satan standing at his right hand to resist him.” This being the Sabbath morning, I had a desire to go to the ordinances; but by reason of the great grief of my soul, my body was as it had been in a fever. However, I thought it possible I might get some comfort at the ordinances, and accordingly I went; but when I was come, the enemy assured me that the minister would not get leave to speak a word of comfort to such a hellish brat as I was, who had so often profaned the blood of Christ. During the time of sermon, the enemy sorely oppressed me; but He who giveth “power to the faint, and increaseth strength to them that have no might,” supported me; when the minister was praying, I say, when he was praying, he prayed so much for the tempted, that the Lord might be with them when they passed through the waters of affliction and fiery trials of temptation, that should try them, as though “some strange thing happened unto them” (1 Peter iv. 12). There came such a divine power along with those words, as made me to say, O the infinite wisdom of God! it hath out-witted me and Satan both. Now I knew that it was the Lord that gave direction to His servant to speak a word in season to me, for he knew nothing of my distress. “O that men would give praise to the Lord for His goodness.” And, O that I could praise Him who hath “delivered my distressed soul from death.” All this week I got not a single blink of His countenance except one, which was when we were met for social prayer. I got a blink of Him who is altogether lovely. It was very short, but extremely sweet: I got leave, however, to meditate on His word.
The next Sabbath, being the 9th of June, 1755, Mr. C. preached on Psalm xxii. 31, “They shall come, and shall declare his righteousness unto a people that shall be born, that he hath done this.” The doctrine was to this purpose: “That it is the duty of the present generation to tell what the Lord hath done to the rising one; and it is the duty of the present rising generation to mingle faith with hearing-tell what God hath done to the former one; and it is the duty of every succeeding generation to tell the following one, what this glorious Doer hath done.” This day was a very gladsome one: O that I could give honour to Him for His love. This day I got liberty to say, “My Beloved is mine, and I am his: The Lord is my rock, my fortress, my deliverer, my God, in whom I will trust.” I am persuaded, that while unbelief reigns and rules, the soul speaks in a quite other strain. Unbelief puts away the love of Christ from itself, and Satan gains his point so long as he can tempt to continue in unbelief. But, I suppose, that so far as unbelief is broken in its reign and rule, so far does the soul bring home to itself this giving love of Christ. O give me one love-token after another, “till the day break, and the shadows flee away.”
PERIOD SIXTH.
Containing some account of her attending several sacramental solemnities during the summer season, with what was both distressing and joyful to her on these occasions: together with what struggles she had with the enemy, and the relief she experienced on the Lord’s seasonably interposing; which concludes the year 1755, a year remarkable for many fiery temptations, and also of glorious manifestations.
THE sacrament of the Lord’s supper being to be dispensed at Stirling on the second Sabbath of June, 1755, I resolved to attend. On the Saturday Mr. Pattison preached on Luke xxii. 19, “This is my body which is given for you; this do in remembrance of me.” The head of the doctrine he illustrated was the “benefits” that believers have in feeding upon Christ’s broken body. He said, “My friends, ye have the benefit of having all your outward senses exercised: ‘That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked upon, and our hands have handled of the word of life'” (1 John i. 1). In the time of this excellent discourse I got leave to feed sweetly on His person, on His love, on His covenant, on His purchase, on His righteousness, on His fulness, etc. Before this sacrament, these words were borne in on my mind, 1 Samuel ix. 13, “Now therefore get you up, for about this time you shall find him;” with these words, Genesis xxxv. 1, “Arise, go up to Bethel, and dwell there;” with Song vii. 12, “There will I give thee my loves.” O sweet saying! There was such a bright display of redeeming love shone in, with power, upon my soul with these words as kindled a most vehement flame of love to Him who is altogether lovely, and filled me with a desire to shew forth the Lord’s death, and to embrace the very first opportunity to do it. But this Saturday night the Lord hid His face, and my heart-plagues prevailed. This night I had a prodigious struggle and battle with Satan, and unbelief, and a wandering heart, that I could not get liberty in prayer as I used to have. For some time before this I knew little about a wandering heart in the time of duty.
On the Sabbath morning I knew not well what to do, for I could get no liberty in prayer; but, as I was going to the ordinances, I got leave to meditate on Christ’s love, and when I remembered His by-past loving-kindness, it constrained me to go to the first table to shew forth the death and dying love of Christ. When I sat down at the table of the Lord, the corruptions of nature prevailed to such a degree that I abhorred myself; but then, O how sweetly were these words borne in upon me: Song iv. 1, “Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair.” O wonderful love that ever He loved so vile a creature as I am. O that I could praise Him for His love, who is altogether lovely.
Mr. Erskine preached on Eph. v. 2, “And hath given himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God, for a sweet-smelling savour.” During the sermon I got leave to hear with application to myself. Hence see the infinite evil of sin, which nothing could expiate but Christ’s giving Himself a sacrifice for us. We may see the greatness of the sore by the greatness of the gift. He is the glorious giver. I was allowed to hear sweetly; but in the time of receiving, I wanted the assurance of sense. This made me to think that I had kept some sins in my heart, for which the Lord withheld the light of His countenance. I was induced to think that I had made little conscience of examining myself; and I thought I had mourned so little for sin, before I came to the Lord’s table, that it was no wonder though He withheld the light of His countenance from me.
At the dismissing of the table I went out to the tent, where I heard Mr. C. on these words, Job xxxiv. 32, “That which I see not, teach thou me.” He spoke sweetly of the mysteries that Christ taught the believer, and I cannot say but I got liberty to make application. But ah! I wanted the sweet sensible enjoyment of Him who is altogether lovely. There was a want in my soul which the whole world could not make up, without the enjoyment of the Lord. I could not find Him there. Thus perplexed, I came into the meeting-house again. Mr. Pattison was going to serve a table: then it pleased the glorious Hearer of prayer to draw aside the vail, and to discover to me His glory; “He brought me to the banqueting-house, and His banner over me was love.” Then I was disposed to say, “Stay me with flaggons, comfort me with apples; for I am sick of love. My beloved is white and ruddy, the chiefest among ten thousand.” O that I could love Him! O the sweet armful I got of glorious Christ by faith! O that I had never lost the sense of His love again. I then thought, if I had a thousand hearts, they should all be employed in loving and praising Christ for His love. O it pained my very heart that I could not love Him more. Mr. Pattison proceeded to serve the table, and he said many a time, “What do ye want?” But I thought he spoke not a single word to me, who wanted a heart to praise Him for His love. I renewed my consent to the bargain so that I was content to take up the cross and follow the blessed Redeemer in any manner He was pleased to dispose of me. At this time I had such a sense of the love of Christ and His beauty, and of my own vileness and loathsomeness, that I cannot express. This was as remarkable a day of power to me indeed as ever I felt; for I saw that it was the Spirit of the Lord, speaking by His servants, which brought along with it a power to make me willing. Now I was like a new come out traveller in vigour and strength: I leapt over walls and mountains of difficulties. This pleasant life I enjoyed for a little; but, alas! these days were but few in number. I soon met with a sore temptation from Satan. (To be Continued.)