(Continued from page 391.)
WHEN Mr. Fisher came to speak of the King of glory’s opening the heart of sinners, I got leave to reflect on the work of the Spirit of God upon my own soul in the day of my first believing. O what unspeakable joy did this fill my soul with! He said, among other things, “If your hearts have been opened to the King of glory in a way of believing, your affections of love, desire, and esteem will be strongly moving out towards Him; or, at least, you will know sometimes what it is to be sick of love: that is, to have a soul-sickness because you cannot get Him loved according to His worth.” And this was the grief of my heart, that I loved glorious Christ so little when I saw so much of His love to my own soul. O this is joy above all the joys of this world to have this conclusion surely sealed, “Christ is mine, and I am His.” O wonderful love to a poor sinful wretch that has ten thousand times over grieved the good Spirit of God, and every sin deserved to be sealed up to damnation. O how did this inflame the love of my soul to Him who is altogether lovely! And I desired to be with the Lord, where no cloud would ever cover from His glorious face again, and where I would not be afraid of a deceitful heart to dishonour God any more; nor ever any more be afraid of Satan’s temptations.
Never doth a soul lie lower in the dust, and abhor itself, than when the Lord makes the most singular manifestations of His grace and love to it. And I must say, to His praise, upon the last day of this feast, His marriage robes smelled of “myrrh, aloes, and cassia, out of the ivory palaces,” whereby I was made exceeding glad. I came away from this solemnity rejoicing in the faithfulness of God, who hath accomplished His promises; so that I was made to say, “Not one word of that which the Lord spake hath failed.” But when I came home again, and fell to my ordinary employment, the Lord hid His glorious face. I went to prayer in order to plead that He would return again, and let me have communion, peace, joy, and comfort in the seasons of duty again. I got no comfort; and a dark day of desertion, and some combats with Satan’s temptations followed. I was made to cry, “O that it were with me as in months past, when the candle of the Lord did shine upon my tabernacle.” The hiding of His countenance was my great burden. And methought He said, too, “It is expedient for you that I go away.” I was much afraid to enter into the cloud: it continued, however, about three months. And I had the roaring lion to grapple with, who loves well to fish in muddy waters.
Another thing that burdened me much was, that ordinances were tasteless to my soul. Before this time Sabbath-days were to me heaven upon earth. O the presence of God in ordinances! O the taste of that joy my soul hath been made to taste of in ordinances! the fulness whereof is in heaven. The state of this mortality cannot bear the fulness of that joy. At one time I got such a glimpse of His glory, I could hold no more in this clay vessel; it so wrought upon the very body, by sympathy with the soul. O with what vigorous desires did my soul long for that day when this body of mine would be cast into a new mould, that I might be ever with the Lord, where no cloud would ever cover from His glorious countenance! O that I could mourn over these sins that provoked Him to withhold the light of His countenance from my soul! And no wonder though Christ suffered me to seek long ere I found it again, seeing I had given Him so little room in my heart when He was present.
About this time I heard Mr. M’Cara preach on the Sabbath-days for several weeks: but still the Lord hid His face, and I could not but be duly burdened when the glory was departed from me. Then I thought, O that I were at home at our own minister again. Then I imagined I would have some communion and nearness with God, for Mr. Cock’s preachings had been exceeding refreshing to me before now.
On the first Sabbath after I came home, Mr. C. preached on Psalm cxix. 10, “Let me not wander from thy commandments.” I looked for comfort, but instead of that, I was filled with sorrow: for He spoke much of the wanderings and strayings of the saints. Then I was afraid that I would dishonour God as they had done, for the fire of sin is a burden that I win little above. The Lord knows that I am more afraid of sin than of hell, or of death. The enemy strongly suggested to me that it was pride and gross hypocrisy in my heart to think that I was a saint. But I studied to improve a covenant-relation with God, who had so far condescended to pardon a rebel, and be reconciled and pacified to me after all I had done. When I thought how I had dishonoured God by unbelief before this time, I had no will to do it again. But the enemy pursued me, making me believe that I would one day or other fall by His hand. When I was coming home, the adversary gave me a new onset, and told me I might stay away from the ordinances till Mr. C. had done with preaching on that text. To which I replied, “This is not God’s way; for He ‘delights more in the gates of Zion, than in all the dwellings of Jacob.'” At which these words were borne in upon my mind, 2 Tim. iv. 3, “For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine.” I took this to be a reproof from God for my sins: for I knew the doctrine was sound, although I could not endure to hear it. It pleased the Lord, however, after this, to rebuke the tempter for a time. And Mr. C. preached on John x. 14, “I am the good shepherd, and know my sheep; and am known of mine.” And I must say to the Lord’s praise, He did, with power, shine upon His word and ordinances again, and filled my soul with joy and peace in believing. Sometimes when Mr. C. read over his text, it was like a preaching to me; I saw so much of Christ in it, and the relation He stands in to us.
Now the year 1755 is ended, and I cannot but say to the praise of my Lord, although a year of great temptations from Satan, yet a year also of the most glorious manifestations of Christ that ever I enjoyed. And I may say to His praise, He made Sabbaths my “delight, the holy of the Lord and honourable;” and “He caused me to ride upon high places of the earth, and fed me with the heritage of Jacob.”
PERIOD SEVENTH.
This period presents us with an account of her exercise during the year 1756; the temptations she met with from Satan, and how she was enabled to repel them: together with the signal manifestation of the love of God she met with, in attending on some Communion solemnities, with the concern she had on her spirit for the nation in general, and particularly for the congregation she lived in; and the gracious return made to her requests.
IN the beginning of the year 1756, Mr. Cock preached on Isaiah xxvi. 9, “When thy judgments are in the earth, the inhabitants of the world will learn righteousness.” The doctrine he insisted on was to this purpose: “When God’s judgments are abroad in the earth, all ought to learn righteousness; but some only will learn righteousness.” He spoke very much of the sin-procuring judgments, and of the likeness and similarity that took place between the sins and the judgments. Sometimes when I was hearing these sermons, my soul was made to tremble for fear of the Lord’s righteous judgments; for, at this time, there were several signal evidences that the Lord’s righteous judgments were abroad in the earth: great claps of thunder, fire, hail, stormy-winds, and earthquakes were in divers places, besides many spiritual judgments. All this made my soul within me to tremble for fear of His righteous judgments. Yet I may say to His praise, He kept the faith of His redeeming love in my view, and this kept me from fainting. Sometimes I was made to come to the Lord burdened with my own sins and the sins of the land, and made to cry, O my father, the hope of Israel and Saviour thereof, in time of my trouble!
Sometime after this, it pleased the Lord to manifest Himself to me, even unworthy me, both in duties and ordinances, and especially the duties of meditation. O but the love of glorious Christ is a sweet field to meditate on! I have just reason to acknowledge to His praise, that He condescended so far to me, for some time, as to give me a blink of His glorious countenance every day in one duty or another. O wonderful love, that ever He loved so unworthy a creature! O sirs, the glorious beauty that I saw in Him! He is the God-man: “Emmanuel, God with us.” Yea, I say, His glorious beauty has ravished my heart, and filled my soul with vehement desires to be with the Lord; and this made me to cry, “O time, time! O cruel time, that hasteth not thy paces, that long eternity might approach, that I might win to the full communion with Him.” I saw such excellency in glorious Christ that darkened all created glories. O that I could love my altogether lovely Lord! But, alas! this idol of self many a time pulls the crown off the head of my lovely Lord, and sets it upon the head of sinful self; but, O that He may wear the crown and possess the throne in my heart for ever and ever!
So violent, however, were the temptations of the strong enemy, that his fiery darts were as a sword within my bowels. By this time my health was very much broken, and the weak body scarce able to subsist any longer, which threw me in a fever. For some days the enemy did so sorely assault me, that for the most part of seven nights and days I slept little at all; sleep really became a terror to me: and my body was so very weak, that I thought death might be in the cup; and because I thought it might be death, I told very much of my mind both to our minister, and some other Christians, but especially to our minister.
On the back of thus communicating my mind to Mr. C. and others, the Lord brought in upon my mind with power those words in Job v. 19, “He will deliver thee in six troubles; yea, in seven there shall no evil touch thee.” From this I saw that the Lord would yet turn me back to the wilderness again; nevertheless, He made me willing. But the enemy strongly assaulted me with that temptation—for all the profession I had made in religion, I would yet fall into sin and dishonour God. Between this and that of pride of graces, to pull the crown off glorious Christ’s head and to set it upon the head of self, sinful self, ah! how did the enemy assault me! But it pleased the Lord to rebuke the tempter and the fever both. And I have just reason to say to the praise of the Lord, He was very kind to me; and gave me now and then a blink of His glorious countenance through the whole time of this fever. O that I could praise Him for His love! O wonderful love! it is not the manner of man, O Lord, to give love for rebellion. O love Him! O my soul, love Him!
It was agreed that the sacrament of the Lord’s supper was to be dispensed at Crawford’s dyke on the last Sabbath of May, 1756. Upon the Sabbath-day before the preparation, Mr. C. preached on Luke xiii. 24, “Strive to enter in at the strait gate.” This was a day I thought the Spirit of the Lord bore witness with him, that he was sent express from Christ his master, with a commission to us. And it was a day in which I was made glad and induced to rejoice, and I was big with expectations that the Lord’s presence would be with us at the approaching solemnity. But the next Sabbath, which was the preparation, Mr. C. preached on another text, and I was disappointed. I imagined he would be on the fore-mentioned text again; for he promised he would give some marks of those who had entered in at the strait gate; but the Lord hid His face, and my heart-plagues prevailed. Then began I to enquire after the cause of it, and I had saw that I had not given God the glory of what countenance He had given to His servant. This grieved me much, that I had sinned the Lord away from His servant, and from myself also. When I was in my confusion the tempter was not idle; he would have me to believe that our minister had forsaken the Lord, and the Lord would not countenance him again.
The night before the fast-day I was in our minister’s house, and saw him in some confusion on account of some disorder in his family. I was uneasy, and said to him, Sir, I am grieved to see you so perplexed. He said to me, I cannot help it now. And he moreover said, I have much need of your sympathy. Ah! this was like fuel to the fire of temptation; and unbelief was so strong with me, that when I went to prayer with him, I could neither get liberty for him, nor yet for the Lord’s coming to the feast. And to increase my grief, these words haunted me, “They have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters.” Now had this been true, it would have put the sacrificing knife to the throat of the promise, for many a time I have gotten access to plead with the Lord for him: and the promise, with a majesty, lustre, and divine power borne in with the word; which no delusion can have, neither from Satan or any of his temptations. Sometimes the Lord did bear in His own word with such majestic power and sweetness as that I was made to say, “It is the voice of my Beloved that knocketh.” There is always something in Christ’s voice that is not in Satan’s nor in any of his temptations.
On Saturday our sermons were very sweet to me, but especially Mr. C.’s on the Sabbath-day. O how shall I put an observe on the Lord’s loving-kindness this day! When Mr. C. came out in the morning he seemed to have much of the Lord’s presence with him; yea, I thought every word he spoke had a majesty and a divine power coming along with it. I must acknowledge that this was one of the most glorious days that ever I beheld; it was like an emblem of heaven, for the glory of the Lord filled the house.
Mr. C.’s action sermon at this time was on Rev. xix. 7, “Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him; for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready.” This was a very remarkable and savoury discourse to my soul. Among many other things he said, “This is a remarkable day; a great day on three accounts: 1. It is a festival-day; 2. It is a coronation-day; 3. It is a marriage-day: “Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him.” He also said, “There is not one within this house, but they are married to one of two husbands: ye are either married to the glorious and worthy Lamb, or ye are married to the law; and that husband will curse you to your face.” He called us all to match with the worthy Lamb, and said, “Whatever contemptible an eye ye may look on us with, O look not with a contemptible eye upon the worthy and glorious Lamb.” Then he obtested and beseeched us, by all the joys of heaven, and by all the torments of hell, to match with the worthy and glorious Lamb; then it would be a day of gladness to the Lamb, and also a day of gladness to the bride, the Lamb’s wife: “Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him.” He had some remarks how the bride, the Lamb’s wife, had made herself ready. He told us “That if any deserved a rich and wealthy bride, it was the Lamb; but instead of that, he got her a devour, and he left her one: for no sooner was she out of arrears to law and justice, but she was deep in arrears to the sovereign grace of God.” He also said, “She was a naked bride, a blind bride, and a deaf bride; yea, in some sense she was worse than the devils; for devils never rejected so many offers of the Lamb.” And he likewise said, “Withal she is unwilling; for she is tied neck and heel to the covenant of works.” O this was a day that the Lord surprised me with His loving-kindness. Mr. C. moreover added, “Take it for a good token, the Lord’s appearing here this day, that He will yet do great things amongst this poor handful in Crawford’s dyke. At hearing this, I was extremely glad, for the burden of this congregation lay much upon my spirit; and sometimes I got the promise that the Lord would do good with the gospel in it. Many a request I have had for it, that it might become fruitful, and bring forth many sons and daughters to Christ; and was answered with that word, Psalm lxviii. 31, “Ethiopia shall soon stretch out her hands to God.”
This day I got leave to hear the action sermon with both joy and sorrow: sorrow for my sins, especially the sin of unbelief. When I saw how I had pierced glorious Christ, I was disposed to cry out, “O that I could weep over my sins, if it were possible, with tears of blood!” yet I was filled with joy and wonder at His love. O sirs, I got leave to behold love shining in a cup of red wine; O that I could praise Him for His love! But before I rose from the table of the Lord I was sore afraid that I would dishonour God again; but when my spirit was overwhelmed within me, for fear of sin, I must say to His praise, O how sweetly did the Spirit of God shine upon these words, Mal. iii. 10, “Prove me now herewith, saith the Lord.” O how did that attribute, the faithfulness of God, shine forth in these words, “Prove me now!” I thought it was as if the Lord had said to me, “In times of temptations, when thy foot had almost slidden, did I not uphold thee?” To which I replied, “That is sure, thou didst uphold me, O Lord.” And also as if the Lord had said, “Prove me now for times to come.” O that I could praise Him for His love! His love is unparalleled love: if we would have a parallel to His love, we must leave the earth and go away to heaven, and see the “Father loving him as he hath loved us” (John xv. 9).
On the back of this Communion, I cannot but say that the impressions of what I met with were sweet for me for some time; yea, I had a great pleasure in thinking upon, and also in telling to others, what God had done for my soul. Likewise those with whom I conferred about those things, told me that this Communion was to them a great day of the Son of Man, as for a great while they had experienced; which were very desirable tidings to me. O this duty of meditation was very profitable and sweet to me, in which I really found much of the Lord’s presence, with power: and when I was helped to keep at this duty, I found my spiritual enemies not so strong. For two weeks I lived as it had been in the suburbs of heaven, when I thought on the Lord’s loving-kindness to my soul. He did not satisfy the vehement desires of my soul, so as to give me heaven in its full possession; yet I must say, to His praise, He gave me a heaven sometimes upon the earth.
(To be continued.)