(Continued from page 478, vol. xvii.)
SOMETIMES after this the sacrament was to be dispensed in Glasgow in Mr. Fisher’s congregation. On Saturday I went to hear sermon in the church-yard, and Mr. M’Cara was on these words, Isaiah xl. 20, “He giveth power to the faint, and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.” He spoke well to my case. Mr. Horn preached on Romans x. 3, “For they being ignorant of God’s righteousness, and going about to establish their own righteousness, have not submitted themselves unto the righteousness of God.” He said, “I will give you two marks of trial, whereby ye may know if ye have submitted yourselves to the righteousness of God: if so, ye have seen the spirituality of the law to be exceeding broad, extending not only to the outward man, but to the thoughts and secrets of the heart; and ye have also seen the corruptions of your own hearts, which has rendered you vile and ugly.” Mr. Cock preached in the evening on 1 Kings viii. 38, “Know every one the plagues of his own heart.” I got leave to apply. This was a sweet time to me: I was banqueted in the house of love.
On the Sabbath morning I came to the first table. Mr. Fisher was on 1 Peter ii. 7, “Unto you that believe he is precious.” He held out everything in Christ to be precious to the believer. I got leave to hear with joy; and when I came out to the tent, Mr. James Erskine was on these words, Exodus xxxiii. 18, “And he said, I beseech thee, shew me thy glory.” He then spoke of the seasons that believers saw the glory of God in, and told us, that the Lord led some believers to the foot of Mount Sinai, and there discovered to them the glory of His grace. O how sweet was this sermon to me! It was sweet in hearing, and sweet in meditation, for I got leave to make application to myself.
On Monday, the last day of the solemnity, I heard Mr. M’Cara on 2 Cor. viii. 5, “But first gave their own selves to the Lord, and to us by the will of God.” He then spoke much of what this giving imported, and said, among other things, it imported, “That they saw Christ to be a suitable match for them: and what did they give Him? ‘their own selves;’ their souls and their bodies: yea, in a word, they gave Him all that they had.” This day I made a new resignation of myself away to the Lord. But after I came home again, I found the frame of my spirit growing very carnal; this afflicted me mightily. Through the week I was in a very ill case; being deserted, I could do nothing but sin. When I went to duty, I was so seized with sleep, that I could not open my mouth. In this melancholy case I could do nothing but sigh and groan, and I longed for the Sabbath again, that I might win
to the ordinances. Oh! what a burden did all duties become to me. Prayer became a burden; writing became a burden, although I have found much of God in them. This verified that word of our Lord to me, “Without me ye can do nothing.”
On Sabbath morning I was in a very dead and confused frame of spirit, and, O but the body of sin and death grew strong. My idols had too much room in my heart, which was like to be my death, yet none of these sins could hinder the Lord to manifest more and more of His love to me: when I came to the ordinances, I must say to His praise, He did not disappoint me. O the sweet intercourse I got of His love! Mr. C. being on the foresaid text, Rev. xix. 7, he gave some marks of those who were truly married to the Lamb, and I got leave to apply them. And I may say, to the praise of the Lord, many a glorious day did I enjoy under his ministry. I found a great deal of the Spirit and the power of God in his sermons, and there was scarce any secret in my heart but he was directed to speak to it. O that I could bless the Lord that ever He brought me under his ministrations!
Whilst the Lord continued to shine upon me with the light of His countenance, my mountain then stood strong; but no sooner did He hide His face, than trouble presently ensued. After this display of His goodness, I met with a sore trial—a storm and tempest of spiritual pride, and that abominable thing, self—what name shall I give it? It is a great deceiver; it is a God-dishonouring and soul-destroying thing. Then I was afraid lest all the duties I had performed should receive no other stamp but self-seeking. I saw so much of self in speaking, so much of self in writing, that I was afraid if ever the world saw them, they would dishonour God, there was so much of self in them. O that abominable thing, self! O self, that woful thing, self! it will not be satisfied unless it ride side for side, so to speak, with glorious Christ; yea, and it pulls the crown off Christ’s head. O the pride of my heart! it would dethrone glorious Christ out of my heart. This was very distressing to me; but then these words were borne in on my mind, Psalm cxxxvii. 9, “Happy shall he be that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.” This was a little comfortable to me.
On the back of this, I met with a sore trial from my mother, as many a one I have met with. Then I made application to Him who is the Hearer of prayer; and was answered, “In the world ye shall have tribulation; but in me ye shall have peace.” At this my corruptions flew up against the will of God, and the very thoughts of the cross terrified me. Many a time before this, I thought I would be content to have Christ, with cross or crown: but now the cross of Christ affrighted me; for I was terrified, that when a day of trial came, all my resolutions would blow up. I was apprehensive I would be like the young man in the gospel who came to Christ, as if he would have done any thing for eternal life, and yet when he was put to it, he went away
sorrowful; for I felt it was impossible for me to be denied to myself. O that abominable thing, self! which pulls the crown off Christ’s head. O that He would deliver me from that woful distemper of self-seeking! I truly think it is one of the most difficult parts in religion, to get self cast out, and God’s glory put in the room of it. Ah! the enmity I found in my mind against God. One night I fell a wondering if there were a name in Christ to answer such a condition as mine is, who am so proud, so rebellious, so selfish a creature. Whereupon I was answered with these words, “Thou hast received gifts for men, for such as did rebel.” O what sweetness I found in these words! O that I could praise Him for His love.
About this time the Lord’s judgments were abroad in the earth: a bloody sword was already drawn; and I was afraid that as the shedding of the saints’ blood had been Scotland’s sin, that the shedding of blood might be Scotland’s judgment. When I thought upon Scotland’s sin, I was afraid our sins would provoke the Lord to depart from us, which made me to cry to the Lord that He would graciously condescend to grant me these three petitions.
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That He would never take away the glorious gospel from poor Scotland; for, if He take away His ordinances, He will not stay behind them. And here I must say, to the praise of the Lord, He has been to me the Hearer of prayer; and He has given me His word for the ground of my hope, Isaiah xlix. 16, “Behold I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me;” and “my covenant shall stand fast” (Psalm lxxxix. 28).
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My second petition was, That whatsoever furnace of affliction it pleased the Lord to cast me into, that He would grant me His presence in the furnace; for it is the presence of the Lord that makes a furnace sweet. And I think the glorious Hearer of prayer said unto me, “He shall deliver thee in six troubles; yea, in seven there shall no evil touch thee” (Job v. 19).
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My third petition was, That the Lord would give me my bread in a solitary way, if it be for His glory; I see the world to be such an enemy to religion. Many a time it has interrupted my sweet communion with my glorious husband, Christ. But in this matter I desire to put a blank in Christ’s hand. Give me, O Lord, what thou wilt; but keep me from a worldly spirit; and keep me about thy hand, O Lord.
About this time, I must say, and to the glory of God be it spoken, this was a time that the Lord gave me many promises, both for the Church, and for particular persons; and He hath accomplished some of them. O for more faith upon God! for there is not one discovery of the faithfulness of God, but it hath a voice, and cryeth out, “O believe Him who is able to give an accomplishment unto His word.” O that I knew how to commend the Lord’s way to all, both to strangers and friends;
and it becomes me well so to do. Yet at this time it was a trial to me to know how to reconcile providences and the promises together. Although about this time I had heard many sweet and comfortable sermons; many glorious days did I enjoy under Mr. C.’s ministry: yet the congregation lay still heavy on my spirit. It grieved me that so very few matched with the worthy and glorious Lamb. The Lord only knows what grief it hath been to me, when I was banqueted in the house of love, that so few would come and see, come and taste of His love. This made me many a time to cry to the Lord for a day of His power to the congregation, so that many souls might be convinced and converted. And I think the glorious Hearer of prayer has given me His promise, for a ground of faith, that He will grant me my petitions. See Psalm lxviii. 31; Isaiah xli. 14, 15.
PERIOD EIGHTH.
In this period we are presented with a melancholy situation she was plunged into, after her former high attainments. She is deserted of God, the duties of religion become a burden to her, and Satan is let loose upon her with great fury: together with the relief she found, and the gracious interviews she met with from the Lord, in attending upon Him in duties and ordinances.
IT is with pleasure I have to remark, and acknowledge it to the glory and praise of the most high God, that for two years before this time, I durst not in the least doubt of my interest in glorious Christ: I enjoyed more near and sweet communion with God than ever I had done before, both in prayer, in meditation, and hearing the Word. Yet there is one thing I have to observe, that the nearer access I got to my dear Lord, the stronger were my assaults on the back of it.
I was informed that the sacrament was to be dispensed at Glasgow in the month of June, 1757. I resolved to attend the solemnity, and when I came to the place, O how sweet and refreshful were these sermons to me! till the Sabbath evening I heard Mr. M’Cara preach on Mark x., concerning the young man in the gospel—how great a length one may come in religion, and yet lack the “one thing,” as that man did. This occasioned disquietude in me, lest I should prove the same. I fell under apprehensions that all my resolutions would blow up, when a day of trial came, and be like that young man who came to Christ, as if he would have done any thing for eternal life; and yet when he was put to it, “he went away sorrowful;” whenever Christ touched him in his predominant.
Mr. M’Cara preached on Monday, being the last day of the feast, and I may say it was the great day of it to me. He was on 2 John viii., “Look to yourselves, that we lose not those things which we have wrought.” He spoke of the times that believers gained, and how they came to lose these things they had wrought.
Mr. Horn closed the work on these words, “Watch ye, stand fast in the faith; quit you like men, be strong.” He exhorted us to stand fast in the spiritual warfare, and to quit ourselves like men. And I am sure he spoke as directly to my case as if he had known it; but, being convinced of the treachery of my own heart, I durst put no trust in it, and I wanted faith to trust Christ with the keeping of it. Alas! how was I then burdened with fear of dishonouring God, and wounding religion! I was afraid I would fall some day by the hand of the enemy: this embittered all my comforts.
I am now in a great strait how to record what grief, trouble, and anguish of spirit I was brought under after this communion; a scene of perplexing fears ensued, lest all I had attained to would turn out to naught and all my resolutions prove like the morning cloud, and the early dew, that soon passeth away.
One day I was looking on a sermon, on these words, “Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation.” The author spoke to many cases that might be perplexing, and to the sins of the tempted: he observed, “That the great sin of the tempted lay in misbelief of the promises, and the power of God to keep them in the hour of temptation.” When I saw this, I was filled with wonder and admiration at the goodness of God to so unworthy, ungrateful, and rebellious a creature as I was. I thought it was a wonder the Lord did not let me fall into punishment for the sin of unbelief. I went into a room, and fell down on my face, resolved to sacrifice to God the sacrifice of thanksgiving for this instance of faithfulness, and the many great deliverances he had given to me, out of the hand of the enemy. O how shall I record the long-suffering patience of the Lord, who did not manifest Himself to me in wrath for so doing. I got leave to act faith, and to pour out my soul into His bosom; but I got not out of the place till a messenger of Satan was sent to buffet me, and I had a thorn in the flesh to grapple with. The adversary gave me a terrible onset; and told me, I only loved God for His deliverance, not for His holiness; and that this was but a mark of hypocrites, who love God only for His benefits, not for His holiness. O difficult work! it is not easy to know what it is to love God for His holiness. When I looked into the Scripture, I saw that it was the practice of the saints to love the Lord, because He did so and so; but what it was to love God for His holiness, is no small difficulty for me to know.
After this I fell under an extraordinary deadness, so that I could apply myself to nothing: duties were a very burden to me, and that because I found not the Lord in them. All the glorious days I had enjoyed were no comfort to me. These words often haunted my mind, Luke xxii. 32, “But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not;” with John xvi. 22, “And ye now therefore have sorrow; but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice.” But I was greatly afraid that the cloud would remain long upon my soul.
The time of our sacrament being to be dispensed, drew near, the thought of which bred many doubts in my mind what to do, knowing that I was not in a communion frame and disposition. Mr. M’Cara preached on the fast-day, on Hebrews x. 22, “Let us draw near, with a true heart, in full assurance of faith.” He spoke to many difficulties that were in the way of drawing near to God, but my greatest difficulty he spoke not to. In the time of the Saturday’s sermons I was like a dead dog or an unclean beast. Oh! the confusion I was in! and when I went to duty, my tongue cleaved to the roof of my mouth.
On the Sabbath morning, Mr. Cock preached on Zech. xiii. 7, “Awake, O sword, against my Shepherd, and against the man that is my fellow, saith the Lord of Hosts: smite the Shepherd, and the sheep shall be scattered; and I will turn mine hand upon the little ones.” He had a great sermon, and very comfortable; but my deadness was so exceeding great, that I could not take comfort. And when he came to fence the tables, I thought he cut me off; for he cut off all from that holy table that had inbred murdering thoughts. Then I presently concluded I was guilty; for, although I never had thoughts of murdering any body, how often have I been haunted with thoughts of self-murder! From day to day have they haunted me like a ghost, although I abhorred them, and was sore afraid lest I should be swallowed up with the violence of this temptation. But blessed be the Lord, who always made a way of escape. Some may think this a very strange temptation—a sin against the very light of nature, and the very letter of the law of God, “Thou shalt not kill.” Ah! the confusion I was in, and I almost concluded that I would not communicate this day; yet there was a secret word borne in on me, “Is this thy kindness for thy friend?” When Mr. Fisher invited us to come to the last table, he said, “Although you cannot say with the woman, that you love much, because much is forgiven you; yet if ye can see and say that ye have much to be forgiven, we bid you come to the Lord’s table.” On hearing this, I presently thought he invited me, for I have much to be forgiven; and then I arose and went to the table; but my Lord was absent.
When the solemn work of the day was over, I retired to a secret place to pray, thinking that perhaps I might meet with the Lord; but there was nothing but deadness, and I was greatly afraid that the cloud would be of a long continuance. Oh! I could not think of the hidings of the Lord’s gracious face. I received a strong conviction of my sin and folly this day; especially how ungrateful I proved to so kind a Lord and also for grieving the heart of our minister; for I told him he had cut me off in fencing the tables. When I did so, he indeed told me it was a temptation of Satan; and if I neglected the duty of communicating, I might come to smart for it afterwards. I resolved that the first occasion of that nature that offered, I should not do as I had done this day.
(To be continued.)