(Continued from page 226.)
AT this time I was visited by a minister who spoke to this purpose: He told me, the Lord afflicted some of His people sovereignly, as was to be seen from His own testimony concerning Job (chap. i. 8); yet the furnace, he observed, discovered much scum in Job, as we might see (chap. xxxiv.) He also said gold was the purest kind of metal, yet the fire discovered some dross in it. And he likewise added, it was so with the purest of God’s saints; the furnace always discovered some dross in them. I was made to look upon this as coming from the Lord, for the man knew nothing of my condition. Though I did not see a particular cause why the Lord afflicted me, yet the furnace made much scum to appear that I saw not before. Mr. Gray saith in a sermon, “That the rod hath one of three voices to a Christian: the voice of the rod is either to mortify his predominant idols, to try his predominant graces, or to set him on that which is his predominant duty.” I was made to consider a little on the second of these, but often I was afraid I had committed some secret sin, for which the Lord was contending with me: it sent me many errands to the throne of grace, till it pleased the glorious Hearer of prayer to discover His mind, concerning the rod, from His own word (John ix. 3), “And Jesus said unto them, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents; but that the works of God might be made manifest in him.” Then I saw the Lord designed a manifestation of His own work by the rod. These words were also brought to my mind, 1 Peter i. 7, “The trial of your faith being more precious than that of gold that perisheth; though it be tried with fire it shall be found to the praise, honour, and glory at the appearance of Jesus Christ.” By this I was persuaded that the Lord designed the trial of faith, together with a manifestation of His own works. But I thought that the honourable part of it, when it is tried, “It shall be found to praise, honour, and glory at the appearance of the Lord Jesus Christ,” and concerning which I was glad: but when I thought of its being a long rod,
and affliction being compared to fire, and fire being in its own nature a very trying thing, I began to shrink at the thoughts of it: but presently the Lord supported me with the words, “My grace shall be sufficient for thee, and my strength made perfect in thy weakness” (2 Cor. xii. 9). Then I was made to believe that our Lord sent none a warfare on their own charges: then I thought, no matter how heavy the burden be, if I get strength to bear it; no matter how bitter the cup be, if I get grace to drink it off. This was a sweet ground for praise under all my heavy afflictions: I saw the rod in the hand of a loving Father, and that made me sweetly to acquiesce in His infinite wisdom, and to believe He saw it all for my good. This made me often say, “The cup which my Father giveth me, shall I not drink it?” O that He may enable me to drink it with courage, and to His own glory. This was the fourth year of my trouble, and the year 1761.
During the continuance of my trouble I was often visited by many of the Lord’s dear children, some of whom I was no ways acquainted with, when in health, nor so much as had ever seen, that I knew of. Many of their visits were very refreshing to me, and the Lord eminently countenanced them for a blessing to my soul. Meditation was now become a delightful exercise to me, and some of the glorious days I formerly enjoyed, in attending upon the Lord in His ordinances, were very supporting to me. Some subjects I had formerly heard Mr. Cock upon were now a new feast to me, particularly one very remarkable Sabbath, I remember he preached on Psalm lvii. 1, “Be merciful unto me, O God; be merciful unto me, for my soul trusteth in thee.” This was a very sweet subject to my soul. In the forenoon I got a view of the mercy of God, extended through our Lord Jesus Christ, with application to myself. After the sermon was over, two things induced me to go to a secret place for prayer: the one was the ground I saw for praise; the other was, that the Lord might come forthwith and countenance His servant in the afternoon, and give Him a door of utterance and a door of entrance into the hearts of sinners: to which I was answered, “I will cause them that love me to inherit substance, and I will fill all their treasures” (Proverbs viii. 21). So far as I can remember, I forgot myself, there was such a concern laid on my spirit for the Church in general, with a view of our great backslidings from the Lord: particularly our great breach of personal engagements and vows to the Lord; the breach of our baptismal and sacramental vows; our breach of national covenants which our forefathers sware to the Lord with uplifted hands, which many are now ashamed to own—these, and many other things, made me often fear that the Lord would depart from our land. I got leave to lament over them before the Lord, and to pour out my soul into His bosom. The Lord was graciously pleased for a ground of hope to bear in upon my spirit, that He would yet marry sons
and daughters to Himself in this land, and “rejoice over them as a bridegroom over his bride.”
In the entry of public worship in the afternoon, the cxvi. Psalm was sung:
“I love the Lord, because my voice
And prayers he did hear;
I, while I live, will call on him,
Who bow’d to me his ear,” etc.
I thought none had more cause to love the Lord than I had, for He had both heard and answered my prayer. O the astonishing love and condescendency of God in what followed! I am afraid, in speaking of such divine mysteries, that I “darken counsel by words without knowledge.” It pleased the Lord to draw aside the vail, and to discover a glorious Trinity of Persons, three in one and one in three, shining brightly in the person of the man Christ Jesus—in Him who is “the brightness of the Father’s glory, and the express image of His person.” This glorious sight almost swallowed me up in wonder, and there was no strength like to remain with me while I beheld it, which made me cry to the Lord for more strength to behold these divine mysteries. These divine mysteries had two sweet effects upon my soul: they filled me with a holy awe and dread of God, and fear of sinning against Him; and then I was filled with a sweet and joyful wondering. When I was musing on these divine mysteries, these words ran in my mind, “Will God in very deed dwell with men?” Behold the tabernacle of God is with men!
These glorious and delightful discoveries had some impression on my spirit till next Sabbath morning. When I awakened out of my sleep, I found my Beloved was gone. Oh, the sad change that took place! I thought all the vermin of hell was a-foot, and that hell itself could not have bred such a wicked creature as I was in my own sight. I essayed private duties, but I found the Lord in none of these. Then I said, O to be at the public ordinances again! possibly I will find Him there. Mr. Cock preached on the foresaid text; but it was very tasteless to me, for I could not take up God reconciled in Christ. When the sermon was over, I wist not what to do, nor where to find Him: it came into my mind that the disciples went to the place where Jesus was wont to resort; then I went to the place where I found Him the day before in prayer. I durst not bow a knee before Him, His awful Majesty made me afraid, my heart was filled with such vile, abominable, and unbecoming thoughts of God. O how glad would I have been of deliverance from them! Then came the enemy with His old temptation, but with His hook covered with a new bait on it. He first represents the secrecy of the place, and the water therein, saying, thereby you would put an end to indwelling sin: all former proposals of this temptation I instantly abhorred; but this one was agreeable to my inclination to have an end put to indwelling sin: but ere ever I could well draw a
conclusion about it, the Lord seasonably stepped in for my relief with these words, “He that endureth to the end, the same shall be saved.” There I got another new proof of the Lord’s faithfulness, in not “suffering me to be tempted above what He made me able to bear;” this afforded me a new ground of praise to Him for my deliverance.
On another Sabbath morning I was much perplexed with the fears of apostacy; I often feared that one day or other I would fall by the hand of the enemy. While I thought upon the great dishonour that would be done to God thereby, it pleased the Lord to bear in that sweet word, “He will not suffer thy foot to be moved; He that keepeth thee will not slumber.” This Sabbath Mr. Cock preached on these words, “In Him shall all the nations of the earth be blessed, and in Him shall they glory.” He mentioned many seasons that believers were to glory in, such as temptation, trouble, desertion, etc.: these seasons were very sweet to my soul. And the relation that the Lord stood in to me of being my Keeper, exceedingly added thereunto.
The four years before, my trouble did far exceed my former years, for much sweet communion and fellowship with the Lord in public ordinances; and I had the happy privilege of attending upon them every Sabbath. I often got the secret wickedness of my heart laid open, and former experiences confirmed, that I might say of a truth, “The watchman found me out.” The matchless glory and excellency of our Lord Jesus also often ravished my soul by His love; yea, pained my soul for the want of full possession. I longed often to be gone, that I might get to the immediate embracements of Jehovah and the Lamb in the upper sanctuary.
Mr. Cock delivered several sweet sermons from Rev. xix. 7, “Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him; for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready.” He spoke of its being a great day upon three accounts? First, he said it is a festival day: “Joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth.” Secondly, it is a marriage-day: “I will betroth thee unto me for ever.” Thirdly, a coronation day. He observed that in the day of believing, the believer set the crown upon king Solomon’s head; and it was the day of the gladness of his heart, and the day of the gladness of the believer’s heart: “Behold king Solomon with the crown wherewith his mother crowned him.” He also spoke largely of what sort of a bride the Lamb got her: and said, “He got her a blind bride, a deaf bride, a naked bride, a polluted bride; and withal, she was unwilling: nay, she is, so to speak, tied neck and heel to the covenant of works; he got her a devour, and he left her so: for she was no sooner out of arrears to law and justice, than she was sunk deep in arrears to the sovereign grace of God.” He gave a very large and extensive offer of the worthy and glorious Lamb, to all within the walls, and without the walls of the house; and
beseched us all, by the joys of heaven and terrors of hell, to match with the glorious and worthy Lamb. I felt a divine power coming along with the offer, by which my soul was drawn out to embrace the living Lamb of God, and to acquiesce in Him as all my salvation, and all my desire. My soul was filled with a sweeter sense of the love of God than it is possible for me to express.
It hath pleased the Lord, under my trouble, sometimes to give me a sweet meal upon these, and many other sweet visits. It was often impressed on my mind, before my trouble commenced, that I had some great trial, or death itself to meet with. When I considered the Lord’s way with the saints formerly, I was more confirmed of it, that by singularly appearing to them, by His love visits, He was either preparing them for great duties, or great dangers; and that His design thereby was that they might be the better in case to perform duty, or to bear up under dangers. And sometimes He anoints them by the Spirit beforehand, for their being suitably prepared for the duty or trial. Sometimes, in the duty of meditation, it pleased the Lord to draw aside the veil, whereby I got a discovery of the love of God in Christ from eternity; and saw, as it were, my name written in the Lamb’s book of life. O what an enriching portion I saw a God in Christ to be! I thought they could want nothing that had Him for their portion. I saw also, that let them have what they would, who wanted the blessed God, they enjoyed nothing but shadows, without the substance.
Under these glorious discoveries the Lord often filled my mouth with arguments, and said unto me, “What would ye that I should do unto you?” There came both a heart-melting and a humbling power along with it; which laid me in the dust before Him, under a sense of my vileness, and want of knowledge what to ask of Him. I often said unto Him, “Lord, thou who taught Thy disciples to pray, teach me to ask what is for Thy glory.” I often opened my mouth to this purpose, “Lord, I desire to be content with any trial that Thou seest fit to appoint me for Thy glory.” I was very often induced to put up these two requests, “Keep me about Thy own hand under the trial; and keep my interest in Thyself clear to me.” I must say to His praise He has granted me my request hitherto.
I was often made to believe that the faith of an interest in our Lord Jesus would be the best support under any trial. I was impressed with the thoughts of a trial from several scriptures, by which I apprehended the Lord called me to prepare to meet Him in the rod of affliction: but some of them were very dark, and also wreath-like; particularly Exod. xxxiii. 5, “Put off thy ornaments that I may know what to do unto thee.” Amos iv. 12, “Because I will do thus unto thee, prepare to meet thy God, O Israel.” A little before my trouble began, I could not take a thought about my lawful calling, further than the present day;
but my thoughts were hedged in by these words, Exod. xix. 9, “Be ye ready against the third day.” Mal. iii. 1, “The Lord whom ye seek shall suddenly come.” Those words had such an impression on my mind, that I ordered all my outward concerns, as though I had been instantly to die.
The next day, however, after all this, I found a great aversion in my mind to meet with trouble, from several considerations: in my former trouble, I had my father to sympathise with me; but now he was removed by death. Another reason was, my present circumstances in the world, in regard I had little but what was in the promise; for, in the year 1752, I lost all my worldly substance by the hand of thieves. Before this time, the Lord taught me, in some measure, a dependance on Himself for a covering of His own righteousness to cover my naked soul with; but, till now, I never knew what it was to depend upon Him for a covering to my body, and for all I needed in time and for eternity. At this time it pleased the Lord to bear in those sweet words, Phil. iv. 19, “My God shall supply all your needs, according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.” These words were sweeter to me than thousands of gold and silver, or any riches the world could afford.
But to return where I was, to my present trial. I must say, to the praise of God, I have been in all my straits revived by His word. At this time He supported me by these words, Exod. xxxiii. 19, “I will make all my goodness to pass before thee.” Genesis xxii. 14, “In the mount of the Lord it shall be seen, the Lord will provide.” O what of His goodness has been made to pass before me, both spiritual and temporal! During these six years of my trouble, viz., since 1757, many a display of His faithfulness have I seen, in His opening the hearts of His people to supply my wants, which hath often set me a wondering that any of them took notice of me, so vile and unworthy a creature, and less than the least of His mercies. While I was meditating, these sweet words came into my mind, “All things are yours, and ye are Christ’s: You shall see greater things than these” (John i. 50). By those streams I was led to the fountain head, to view the love of God from eternity, and the glorious display of the covenant of redemption; and how that with Christ He would freely give us all things. “O the height and the depth, the breadth and length of the love of God, it passeth knowledge!”
But I return where I was. Again, those words ran much in my mind, “Take this rod in thy hand, therewith thou shalt do signs.” I think it implied a call in it to take the staff of the promise in the hand of faith; and sure I am, there is much need of the staff of the promise in the hand of faith, to walk upon a sea of troubles.
Having now gotten a clear view of a lengthened-out rod, I was much afraid of security and stupidity under it: this made me often cry to the Lord, that He would make me somehow active for His own glory, and not to lie an idle and useless prisoner.
On the back of this, there was a concern laid on my spirit for the Church, and for some particular persons, with whom I was acquainted. I got a clear view of their natural state, in Genesis i. 2, “And the earth was without form, and darkness was upon the face of the depth; and God said, Let there be Light.” Man’s understanding naturally is a dungeon of darkness, and without the image of God. I got much liberty in pleading, that the Spirit of God might move upon their souls, and give them “the light of the knowledge of the glory of God, in the face of Jesus Christ.” I thought I got a sweet view of that word concerning them, “And it shall be said of Zion, This man and that man was born therein.” After this, when I knew them commit sin, or omit duty, it was matter of exercise to me some whole nights at the throne of grace. There was little I heard or saw for some time but it was matter of prayer to me, that God, who ruleth in the kingdom of providence, would dispose all the dispensations of providence to His own glory.
(To be continued.)