(Continued from page 295.)
ONE day in August, 1763, in the morning, one having asked me how I was supplied with respect to outward wants, I was very unwilling to answer that question; for I knew not well how to do it, in a consistency with the glory of God. While I was meditating about it, the Lord brought to my mind a singular act of His adorable sovereignty, which was this: one day as I was conversing with a neighbour, when she was going away, she told me that she was going to make ready for her family what I stood in need of, but I had it not. I turned my eyes towards the Lord in faith, that He could open her heart, or the hearts of others, to supply my wants. I must say to the praise of the Lord, He brought me to Himself, with all my straits; and often He gave me a new display of that glorious title He hath taken to Himself, “The Hearer of prayer;” and at this time also, just when I was praying, the very mercy came that I desired. I was set admiring the Lord’s lovingkindness, and that word afforded me sweet ground of meditation, “Your Father knoweth ye have need of those things before ye ask them” (Matthew vi. 8). O but it is sweet to see a mercy come in the accomplishment of the promise, or the answer of prayer! If we were helped to observe the Lord’s ways towards us, we might well say, “Who is a God like unto thee, glorious in holiness, fearful in praises, doing wonders?” Through the whole of this day I got near access to God, except when I was interrupted by some coming in: He filled my mouth with arguments, and allowed me near access to Him, as a man doth with his friend.
About the evening, He displayed more of the divine glory. O he ravishing glory that shined in the face of our Emmanuel, who “is white and ruddy, the chief among ten thousand!” white in His divinity, ruddy in His humanity; white in His holiness, ruddy in His sufferings: “his mouth is most sweet; yea, he is altogether lovely.” In the meantime I found a necessity for being changed, and made strong and spiritual, to bear that weight of glory; and those words ran sweetly in my mind, “When Christ who is our life shall appear, He will also change our vile bodies, and fashion them like unto His glorious body.” Soon after this I fevered for some days together, but the Lord enabled me to something of a sweet wondering frame and meditation upon these divine mysteries. One day I was worse than I had been. After prayer, one said, “Amongst the many great things that God hath done for your soul, He will make this work for your good also.” To this I replied, “I am shipwrecked back to sea again; for I would fain have been put into the harbour.”
One time when I was thinking upon the grave, and how that the sweet rose of Sharon had perfumed it for believers, the enemy suddenly suggested—How do ye know that ye will rise out of the grave again? The doctrine of the resurrection being a truth so clearly taught in the word of God, I never questioned the truth of it: yet so far did the temptation prevail, that I had a reluctance at the grave for some days, till the Lord shined again on these words, Isaiah xxvi. 19, “Thy dead men shall live, together with my dead body shall they arise;” John vi. 44, “And I will also raise him up at the last day.” The Lord has often told me by experience, that the highest attainments will not serve in a new difficulty: nothing but new supplies from the fountain head could do my turn.
The Lord, who bringeth things new and old out of His treasures, the other day brought to my mind a singular day in the year 1745. This year, the son of a Popish pretender, upon the head of a Popish and malignant party, passed through part of the land, attempting to get the throne. Glory to God he got not his design. I was sore afraid, if he got the throne, we would soon be deprived of the glorious gospel. One morning I was much weighted with the case of the Church: it pleased the Lord to bear in these words with a very sweet heart-melting power, Hosea ii. 15, “I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness; and she shall sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day when I brought her out from the land of Egypt.” I would have been glad of some secret part, where I might have poured out my soul unto the Lord, for I could not well refrain tears of joy; but my employment at that time obliged me to be in company. Two observations from these words afforded me sweet ground of meditation: “And she shall sing there, as in the day I brought her up out of the land of Egypt.” I thought it respected the day when the Lord brought them out of the Egypt of a natural state; then the Lord ordinarily brings His people into a wilderness of convictions, and distresses them less or more with a spirit of bondage. Some have seen God to be a God of terrible majesty, and all His attributes, as it were, in arms against them, when they got a sight of glorious Christ, and God pacified in Him, for all that they had done. O what matter of a song doth such a sight afford them! There is little matter what a wilderness the Lord may bring me, or the Church unto, if He afforded us such matter of a song. My second observation was from this consideration; I had then little experience of a Christian life. Some old Christians, whom I conversed with, said, that they had most communion with God in days of their youth. This filled me with reluctance at old age, and made me long for death, that I might enjoy God. But surely I ought to have preferred the glory of God, above the enjoyment of Him. Whatever respect these words have to the Church, the Lord hath abundantly made them out to me; for He hath afforded me a song in the wilderness of my affliction, far above the days of my youth. I desire to bless the Lord for carving out so gentle a rod for me: He doth all things well.
The view of these three particulars, I think, helped to much patience under the rod. 1. To see the rod in the hand of a “loving Father.” O but this helps much to sweeten a bitter cup. 2. To know the “Lord’s voice” in the rod. 3. To see ourselves less than the least of His mercies: this helps to a song both of mercy and of judgment. The Lord often supported me from sinking by His word: sometimes by that word, that He would “maintain abundant peace;” and that He would “crown the year most liberally with His goodness.” That word was often borne in on my mind a little before my trouble, and through the time of my trouble, Mal. iii. 1, “The Lord whom ye seek shall suddenly come, even the Messenger of the covenant whom ye delight in.” Our Lord comes variously: He comes sometimes fatherly, to correct; sometimes wisely, to try; sometimes seasonably to comfort and support under the trial. I looked then for His coming to receive me to Himself, that “where He is, there I may be also; that I may behold His glory.” The glorious Redeemer saith, “Father, I will that those whom thou hast given me may be with me, that they may behold His glory.”
One time I was composedly thinking, O what can be the Lord’s design in lengthening out so long a rod? Immediately I was answered with Isaiah lxvi. 5, “Say, Let the Lord be glorified: he will appear to your joy.” It was impressed on my mind with a very heart-melting and humbling power, as if the Lord had said, let Me glorify My wisdom, in ordering your rod: let Me glorify My truth, in performing all the good I have promised you: let Me glorify My power, in upholding you; and “I will appear to your joy.” O the astonishing condescension of the great and eternal Jehovah, to say to sinful dust, “Let me glorify myself in you!” My soul was made sweetly to reply, “Lord, do as thou hast said;” take glory to thyself out of thy prisoner. That word was much borne in on my mind, Exod. xiv. 13, “Stand still and see the salvation of God;” with, “he will appear to your joy.” The word, “salvation,” sometimes signifieth a temporal deliverance; but give what the Lord will, nothing less will satisfy my soul than the conformity to God, and a complete deliverance from sin, and the in-being of it. I thought the Lord said unto me, in His adorable sovereignty, “Be it unto thee, even as thou wilt.” “Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the Lord hath dealt bountifully with thee.” Come, Lord Jesus, come quickly, according to Thy word.
PERIOD ELEVENTH.
This period contains an account of her being consulted by a young man, relative to an important affair; how she was exercised concerning it, and what view she got of the matter.
To speak to the Lord is a very great matter, and to speak of the Lord’s doings is also a very great matter: “Who is sufficient for those things? but our sufficiency is in God.”
On the 26th day of May, 1766, I had the opportunity of conversing with a young man. He spoke to this purpose: “I have been impressed to a duty some years, viz., a sacred office in the church; but I know not whether the impression be from the Lord, or from Satan;” and he moreover added, “I would have your advice in that matter.” I told him I could give him none, because the duty is of so great importance. I also said unto him, that as the Lord should enable me, I will lay the matter before Him, who says, “Acknowledge me in all thy ways, and I will direct thy paths;” and what light the Lord is pleased to give, I will discover it unto you. The matter lay very heavy upon my spirit that night, and with the burden of it, I went to the Lord by prayer; but was very straitened for some time. However, I was made to take encouragement in prayer from that glorious title, “He is the Hearer of prayer,” and hath been so to me; in many things He hath been both the Hearer of prayer, and the Answerer of prayer. I was made to observe, so far as I knew any inclination or bias in my own heart, to have the matter determined any other way than the Lord pleased, was removed. I was made to plead, that He who knows the hearts of all men would determine the matter by His Word and Spirit. In answer thereto, at length the Lord was graciously pleased to bear in on my spirit, Acts ix. 15, “He is a chosen vessel to bear my name to the Gentiles;” and Ezek. iii. 1, “Eat the roll, and go speak unto the house of Israel,” etc. Then I was made to plead with the Lord more boldly, that He would glorify Himself in furnishing the young man with gifts and graces suitable to such an office; and that He would make Him instrumental in glorifying God in the Church. And while I was pleading, Jer. xxxi. 3, was sweetly borne in upon my spirit: “I have loved thee with an everlasting love! therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.” I also got a very sweet and soul-ravishing view of our glorious High-Priest, the Lord Jesus Christ, of His being anointed with the oil of joy above His fellows; and of His anointing all the members of His mystical body: “We have an unction from the holy One, whereby we know all things.” This was a sweet night to me; and had a sweet impression for some days till I was hearing one read Mr. Erskine’s sermons, Luke xxi. 31, 32, entitled, “The power and policy of Satan, bound and baffled by the Lord Jesus Christ.” I began to fear the matter to be a delusion; if my deceitful heart do not deceive me, I desire to bring experiences to the bar of God’s word, and ordinances of His appointment to be tried. If our experience do not abide the trial of God’s word, we have ground to suspect them. Mr. Boston saith, “God’s word is always a friend to the work of the Spirit of God,” and I am persuaded it is a truth. After examining the matter, I could see no warrant from the word of God to prove the matter to be a delusion; but could not get above the fears of it: the fear always influenced me to prayer; and I may speak it to the praise of God, He allowed me near access to Himself, and often filled my mouth with arguments concerning the young man. However, when I was allowed nearest access to God, it was often injected into my mind, What if all this be a delusion? Oh! this distressed me, and filled me with abhorrence at myself, because of my unbelief and ingratitude to God; and I was often reproved by one of those three scriptures: “O thou of little faith, wherefore dost thou doubt?” (Rom. xiii. 12); “Cast off the works of darkness;” 1 Samuel xv. 29, “The strength of Israel will not lie.” I had some thoughts of desiring the prayers of one of my acquaintances, whom I knew the Lord had been pleased sometimes to favour with His secrets; but I was afraid of provoking the Lord to anger by seeking further evidences from Him. Whilst I was hesitating about the matter, the Lord was pleased graciously to breathe upon these two scriptures, Matthew xviii. 19, “And Jesus said, If two of you agree upon earth, as touching any thing which ye shall ask, it shall be done unto you of my Father which is in heaven;” Isaiah xliv. 11, “Thus saith the Lord, the holy One of Israel, and his Maker, Ask me of things to come concerning my sons, and concerning the works of my hands command ye me.” This is a very great and wonderful matter, the great God commanding us, sinful dust, to command Him. O the glory, the majesty, and condescension of God, that appeared to me in those words, was very great. What can I say of it? “Come and see” will best suffice.
The woman whom I had consulted about this matter, said unto me, that those scriptures occurred unto her, with respect to the young man, Eccles. ix. 10, “Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might;” Psalm xx. 4, “Grant thee according to thine own heart, and fulfil all thy counsel.” Notwithstanding of all this, I was often at this with it, “Lord, help me to believe, for I am an ungrateful wretch.”
One day when I was in my conflict, the Lord taught me several lessons: it is long since the Lord began to teach me some of them. O, I have been an idle scholar; I have need to be taught them over and over again.
1. I was made to see, that although the Lord would bring home with power upon my heart all the promises of the Bible, suitable to that matter, I could not believe them.
2. I saw more clearly, that faith is the gift of God; and that it is the work of God to believe. I saw that without Him I could do nothing.
3. I saw myself to be an ignorant beast before God, and that I had not the knowledge of the holy:
our Lord saith, “My sheep know my voice, and a stranger will they not follow” (John x. 5). I saw the want of knowledge to discern the Lord’s voice in His word from Satan’s, was a part of my distress; in the meantime, I thought our Lord said unto me, as He said to Philip (John xiv. 9), “Have I been so long time with you, and yet hast thou not known me, Philip?” I thought it was as if the Lord had said unto me, “Have I not given you many a manifestation of My glory, and many an intimation of My love, and what a shame is it, you have not known me, Philip?” O the heart-melting and heart-affecting power that came along with these words! His lovingkindness was like to overcome me. The views of my ignorance and ingratitude to Him brought sighs from my heart, and tears from my eyes.
4. I was made to see, and also to consider, if I had attained to as much stability in other matters as the Lord has helped me to about my own salvation, I would forget to sympathize with others that are tossed with doubts and fears as I am.
At another time I was essaying prayer, and was pleading the out-making of the promise with respect to the young man; but with a great battle and struggle I wan to say, “Lord, do as thou hast said.” When I was thus employed, it pleased the glorious Hearer of prayer to shine by His Spirit upon these scriptures: Acts ix. 15, with Jer. xxxi. 3, xxxiii. 14, “I will take them one of a city, and two of a family” (Isaiah lvi. 7). It pleased the Lord to draw aside the veil, and to give me such a glimpse of His glory, as made all doubts and fears to disappear, before the brightness of that light. O the bright and ravishing view I got of that everlasting love of God! “I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness will I draw thee.” O, the glorious and eternal Jehovah is the lover! O happy man, happy woman, that is beloved by Him! “Happy is that people, whose God is the Lord.” The ravishing views of that love inflamed my heart with love to God, and to the object beloved by Him. I think, when the Lord in His adorable sovereignty is pleased to give a view of His love, or intimation of His mind with respect to another, the one that is privileged with it, at that time, cannot but taste of the sweetness of that love. I think it is a part of that holy and sweet pleasure that is to be found in wisdom’s ways: “Wisdom’s ways are ways of pleasantness and all her paths are peace” (Proverbs iii. 17). I never all my life got such a bright view of the attribute of divine love: “God is love; he that dwelleth in love, dwelleth in God, and God in him” (1 John iv. 16). This was a day I ought to remember with thanksgiving, being 9th July, 1766.
When I spoke of the matter to the young man, it was with some measure of fear, arising from the consideration of that holy and reverential fear that is due unto the Lord, either in speaking of Him, or speaking to Him. I was also afraid lest there should be any mistake in the matter, whereby the Lord would be dishonoured. And perceiving him very glad, I was afraid of self-confidence in him, or vain-glory: but his words gave no evidence of it; thereupon those words were sweetly borne in upon me, “Yea, they shall sing in the ways of the Lord: for great is the glory of the Lord” (Psalm cxxxviii. 5); “Thou meetest him that rejoiceth, and worketh righteousness, those that remember thee in thy ways” (Isaiah lxiv. 5).
After the young man went from me, I was essaying to plead for a blessing upon our conference. Spiritual conference is a duty; to my sweet experience, I have often found it pleasant. The Lord breathed upon and gave countenance to it, as he did to the disciples (Luke xxiv. 15). But whilst I was thus employed, two scriptures were darted into my mind, whereby I was sore wounded, and wist not what to do, for they were contrary to all the former. I thought before I would draw a conclusion about them, I would look to the Lord for His direction: those two scriptures came, “Be ye steadfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord” (1 Cor. xv. 58); “Your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour” (1 Peter v. 8). By these two, it was very evident to me that the former was from Satan; they had very different effects. 1. The word that came from the Lord, led to the Lord. 2. Light accompanied the word; “The entrance of thy word gives light,” etc. 3. It filled the soul with a sweet composure, and excited to duty. The native tendency of the other was to drive away from the Lord, and to fill the soul with horror, darkness, and confusion.
One night I could get no rest; sleep went from me, such a concern was laid upon my spirit for the young man’s eternal salvation. I essayed prayer again and again, till that word came, Mark ix. 19, “Bring him unto me.” Then I was made to plead that absolute promise, and to say, “Lord, I cannot bring him unto Thee; but Thou hast said, ‘When I am lifted up, I will draw all men after Me.’ Put him amongst some of those all men Thou wilt draw after Thee: Thou art a Prince exalted at the Father’s right hand, to give repentance and remission of sins,” and whilst I was pleading, that other word came, which was very sweet and confirming to me: “I will betroth thee unto me for ever; yea, I will betroth thee unto me in righteousness, and in judgment, and in lovingkindness; and thou shalt know the Lord” (Hosea ii. 19, 20).
I remember about five years ago, when it pleased the Lord to intimate to me that I was to have a long rod of affliction, I was afraid of security and stupidity, which made me cry, “O Lord, glorify Thyself in an useless prisoner, and enable me to glorify Him upon the earth.” I may observe it to His praise, He wonderfully disappointed my fears, by often giving me a burden of affliction upon my body, or a burden of concern upon my spirit, and very often part of both; the burden of others often became my burden; and the great motive that induced me to it, was the glory of God—that God may be glorified in over-ruling their difficulties to His own glory and their good. I have ground to observe it also, to His praise and glory, that when the Lord allowed me near access to Himself for others, I never wanted for myself. “These are parts of His ways; and how small a portion do I know of Him?”
MARION LAIRD.
GREENOCK, 4th August, 1766.
(To be continued.)