(Continued from page 396.)
CONCLUSION.
The Conclusion of the Memoirs, containing Reflections on the foregoing Exercise.
FROM the beginning of April, 1740, to the time of my outgate, so near as I can remember, was about the month of July, 1741. And upon the whole, I shall make the following reflections.
SECTION I.
Some general Observations.
1. I HAVE often reflected with wonder at the “sovereign free grace and love of God,” which is neither procured by our good, nor hindered by our evil. At the time when the Lord brought me to hear the glorious gospel, which He blessed for my awakening and conviction, I had never come to a greater height in sinning, and drinking in youthful pleasures. The Lord set home the law in its spiritual extent; He led me into the dark recesses of the heart, to see what abominations were done there in the chambers of imagery. I stood amazed at the sight, and was made to wonder that such a wretch as I was so long out of hell. This could not be but a surprising sight to one who had an high opinion of herself. A little before this I thought if three would go to heaven, I would be one of them; though verily I sought righteousness by the works of the law, by which no sinner can be justified.
2. I have wondered at the infinite power and wisdom of God, that bore me up under such a load of guilt and sense of wrath, and yet suffered me neither to sink under it, nor split on the rock of despair. You may read my case in Deut. xxviii. 65, 66, 67. I had no assurance of my life a moment being out of hell.
3. I wondered at the divine patience bearing so long with me and at the wisdom of God in keeping me so long at Sinai. I see that less of the law-work would not do: my proud heart thought it below it to come down from the tree of legality, and to submit to the righteousness of Christ for justification before God, and acceptance with Him. I found self was the sticking point with me; and that a hard saying, “Let a man deny himself.” To be denied to religious self was like the cutting off a right hand or the plucking out a right eye. The Lord continued thundering from Mount Sinai, until He made me despair of hope by the works of the law: “Cursed is every one that continueth not in all things written in the book of the law to do them” (Galatians iii. 10). “He that believeth on the Son, hath everlasting life; he that believeth not the Son, shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him” (John iii. 36). Then Christ was manifested in the character of a Redeemer. O how sweet was this relation, a Redeemer! “He was made under the law, to redeem them that were under the law.” While this glorious discovery lasted, it was full of ravishing sweetness: many things contributed to make it so, particularly the case wherein it found me condemned by God, and by my own conscience. I was like to sink under the fear and pressure of a present execution of the sentence. Was it any wonder that the news of pardon and forgiveness was sweet to one in such a case? I mention not these things for my own commendation, but to the praise and glory of His grace, who hath made us “accepted in the Beloved” (Eph. i. 6).
SECTION II.
Containing an account of my experience about the duty of writing.
AFTER the forementioned exercise I wrote a few remarks, intending only the help of my own memory. About that time my father took trouble, which issued in his death, which was the occasion of my going afterwards to service. I would here, by the way, observe a few considerations that lay heavy upon me about the time of my father’s death. It was not only the want of him, though a loving and affectionate father, but the loss which the family would sustain. The last time I spoke with him I asked him how matters were with him. He answered me, “I get some blinks of the Lord’s countenance; but when He comes He stays short till He is away again.” A few days thereafter he went to the undisturbed rest of glory, where clouds would no more cover from the face of our glorious Lord. When I considered the great loss the poor family was at by the want of him, there being nothing like grace in any of them: when I considered, where Christ dwells not by His Spirit, they could not dwell in Christ by faith; where there is no union to the Lord Jesus, there can be no communion with Him: what is there then but the strong man armed keeping the house, and his goods are at ease? The consideration of those things gave me many errands to the throne of grace, crying to the Lord that He would plant the graces of His Spirit into their souls. The glorious Hearer of prayer caused me to hope upon that word, concerning some of them, “I will cause you to pass under the rod, and will bring you into the bond of the covenant” (Ezek. xx. 37).
But I return to the purpose in hand. Those copies I had written, I laid into my chest. When I was putting on or off my clothes, and got my eye upon them, I was often challenged by one of those two scriptures, “If any man draw back, my soul hath no pleasure in him” (Hebrews x. 38). “And Jesus said unto him, If any man putteth his hand to the plough and looketh back, he is not fit for the kingdom of God” (Luke ix. 62). I wist not what to do, for I neither had an opportunity for writing, nor had I a desire for it. I observed, in our reading of the Scriptures, morning and evening in the family, what the word spoke to that purpose. I saw the duty to be founded on, and authorized from many places of scripture: I only mention a few of them. “It is a night to be much observed to the Lord, for bringing them out of the land of Egypt: this is that night of the Lord, to be observed of all the children of Israel, in all their generations” (Exod. xii. 42). How much more ought it to be observed unto the Lord, with gratitude and thankfulness, by those whom the Lord has brought forth from the Egypt of a natural state, a worse state than the Egyptian bondage? “Come, see a man which told me all things that ever I did: Is not this the Christ?” (John iv. 29). “Come and hear, all ye that fear God; and I will tell what he hath done for my soul” (Psalm lxvi. 16). “For he established a testimony in Jacob, and appointed a law in Israel; which he commanded our fathers, that they should make them known to their children” (Psalm lxxviii. 4). “Whoso is wise, and will observe those things, even they shall understand the loving-kindness of the Lord” (Psalm cviii. 43). But the great question with me was, Is it I; is it I, the Lord calls to such a duty? Uzzah’s putting his hand to the ark was good in itself; but he wanted God’s command to it (2 Samuel vi. 7); “They offered strange fire before the Lord, which he commanded them not: and there went out fire from the Lord, and devoured them, and they died before the Lord” (Lev. i. 2). Those, and the like Scriptures, filled me with so much of the awe and majesty of God, as made me to tremble at the thoughts of such a duty without a clear call from Him. The Lord said often unto me, “Fear not, I have enjoined thee.” At other times I was challenged by those words, “The servant that knoweth his master’s will and doeth it not, shall be beaten with many stripes.” I was reproved also by ministers in their doctrine, though they knew nothing of it; for I consulted with none of them. I consulted only with God, and the word of God, and my own conscience: “Acknowledge him in all thy ways, and he will direct thy paths” (Proverbs iii. 6).
At length the Lord in His holy providence opened a door for that duty, by very trying dispensations; they were bitter to me as the gall and wormwood. I said, the Lord had dealt bitterly with me; I was so rude and ignorant, and as a beast before Him. He cut me off from youthful pleasures, things lawful in themselves, but unlawfully used, so far as they got Christ’s room in my heart. I saw not then what a glorious design the Lord was carrying on by those bitter trials, but He hath let me see it since that time; and I desire, with all my heart, to bless Him for them, upon a view of the Lord’s way with me. Well may I say, “O Lord, who is like unto thee amongst the gods? who is like to thee, glorious in holiness, fearful in praises, doing wonders?” (Exod. xv. 11). The Lord took me aside into the wilderness, and there He spoke with me: He told me in part what He had done for me, and also what He would have me do for Him. Then He removed the obstinacy that was in my will against the duty; and I sought further evidence from the Lord, by His word and Spirit, of His calling me to the duty. And I may say to His praise He prepared my heart for prayer, and bowed His ear and answered me by those three scriptures: I mention them in the order they occurred, and the views I got of them; Isaiah xliii. 26, “Put me in remembrance.” I thought it was as if the Lord had said, Put Me in remembrance by telling others what I had done for thee: or cause My name to be remembered. “I will make thy name to be remembered in all generations” (Psalm xlv. 17). “Them that honour me, I will honour” (1 Samuel ii. 30). This filled me with shame and blushing in the sight of a holy God, and made me to say, “Lord, what can I do to Thy honour? Lord, help me to honour Thee in life, and in death. Lord, without Thee I can do nothing: without Thee let me desire to do nothing; but through Thy grace strengthening me I can do all things: I can do all things Thou callest me to: Lord, ‘Work it in me both to will, and also to do, of thy good pleasure;’ and ‘do thou bear all the glory of it'” (1 Cor. xv. 58). “Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye steadfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord; forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.” By these three scriptures, the Lord fully satisfied me as to the clearness of His calling me to that exercise, and strongly fortified me against the trial He knew I had yet to meet with, both from Satan, and from the instruments He stirred up to oppose that exercise. “God hath chosen the foolish things of this world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of this world to confound the things that are mighty, that no flesh might glory in his presence: that, according as it is written, he that glorieth, let him glory in the Lord” (1 Cor. i. 27, 31).
(To be continued.)
“IN truth, this righteousness of Christ, which saves me, is not mine by nature; and thus I learn deeply to humble myself before God: but it is mine to all eternity, by a gift of grace; and thus I learn to know the depths of that love of God which enriches me in my great poverty. O blessed righteousness, which art not mine, and yet art mine, thou humblest and raisest me up in turn, and thou preservest my soul in that sacred harmony of lowliness and greatness which makes it beautiful in the sight of God!”—
Dr. Merle D’Aubigne.