PERIOD II.
Containing my exercises from twelve years of age till I was twenty-four.
(Continued from page 19.)
WHEN about twelve years of age, I was called to a family for the purpose of teaching the children to read, for at that time I was sufficiently qualified to read the Bible. This family into which I came was singular for every species of wickedness, each one of its members exceeding the other in cursing, swearing, and other vices, with the exception of the mistress, who, I believe, feared the Lord. She was like Lot in Sodom; for every thing that looked like seriousness was ridiculed and set at nought.
I was scarcely a month in this family when I learned to speak the language of Ashdod; yea, in a short time I exceeded every one of themselves, so much so, that I could not speak without uttering oaths and imprecations: and my conscience being lulled into a sleep, I sinned without restraint, except occasionally, when I would think of death; then I would become dejected and sad, concluding that I was undone, and that to refrain from sin now was unavailing. To relieve my mind from this despondency, I would set the evil day far away, and take comfort from the distance I conceived it to be from me.
It happened, however, one Sabbath night that the mistress of the house began to exhort us, and to speak of a judgment to come. Hearing these things, like Felix, I trembled, my former fears revived, especially when she began to describe the manner of the day of judgment and of the coming of Christ: namely, that He would in a moment break out of the third heavens, attended with power and great glory; and that it was the opinion of some divines, that this would take place upon a Sabbath night and in the winter season; and that some time before He would appear there would be great thunder and lightning with much hail.
All this I heard with great attention, and my conscience gnawed me bitterly for my cursing, swearing, Sabbath-breaking, and other sins. I endeavoured, however, to comfort myself in the thought that the time in which all this would happen, was far distant.
But that night after we had gone to bed there came on the greatest storm of thunder, lightning, and hail, of which I have any recollection; and the windows being open, the hail poured into the room, while its walls were incessantly brightened by the vivid flashes of lightning. I trembled with apprehension that this was the beginning of sorrow, for every thing came to pass after the description the mistress had previously been giving; and the unfrequency of such storms in the winter season, confirmed me the more in my opinion, that it was the last day indeed. My trembling increased to such a degree, as to attract the attention of my companions who were in bed with me, who inquired the cause of my uneasiness; to which I answered, that the day of judgment was come, adding, at the same time, what would we do? They mocked me for my cowardice, and said that it was not. Yet I could not believe them, for I looked every moment that Christ would appear and cry to the dead to arise.
O how happy I thought I would be if I could but lie under the ruins of the house, so that I might be hid from the face of the Judge! O the horror that seized me! And repentance I thought was too late. I remembered part of Mr. Gray’s sermon, in which he describes the torments of the damned, and the consternation in which they shall be at the coming of Christ. O I thought if I had my life to begin again, how I should read, and pray, and keep the Sabbath! but alas! I was too late. A little after this, however, the tempest began to abate, and I was exceedingly glad for space to repent of my sins, if so be there might be repentance for me; and heartily resolved against my sins, but my resolutions were soon at an end; for in less than eight days I was just what I was before. “When he slew them, then they sought him, and they returned and enquired early after God” (Psalms lxxviii. 34).
I remained in this family five months, and increased daily in sinful practices. I remember my being, one day while here, with some other people in a boat, upon a large loch, which was at some little distance, and where to all appearance, in consequence of a great storm which arose, we were in danger of being drowned; but the Lord who is kind to the unthankful brought us safe to land, after we had despaired of our lives. “Let favour be shewed to the wicked, yet will he not learn righteousness, and will not behold the majesty of the Lord” (Isaiah xxvi. 10).
Soon after this I came home to my father’s house, with whom I lived for sometime. Here I was obliged to abandon my cursing and swearing; especially when in my father’s presence; but no sooner could I get out of his sight, than I was as bad as before.
About this time I met with a remarkable providence which I will here relate. Having gone with some other children to bathe in a river which was at some distance from my father’s house, I went too near the deep, and the sand being loose gave way under me. Finding myself sinking in the water I cried for help, which the other children not being able to give, and seeing my perilous situation, all fled for fear, except a little girl who remained on the bank of the river crying for assistance, but could herself render none. And if the Lord, who has the seas and the winds at His command, had not appeared for my deliverance, I would certainly have perished in the stream. But the Lord in His adorable providence caused the current of the water to drive me near the shore, when the little girl who stood all the time at the river’s side, having got a hay rack laid hold of me and dragged me out of the water.
In a short time I recovered my senses, and was able to go home. Yet all these remarkable providences were never laid to heart by me; but I still continued as before. “I have guided thee though thou hast not known me.”
When about fourteen years of age, I went to Stirling, where I remained for some time with Mr. R. D. While with him I fell sick of a fever, and death beginning to stare me in the face, all my sins came fresh into my mind. Language would fail me in describing the anguish of my soul at this time; my bodily trouble was great; yet it was as nothing when compared to the trouble of my soul. A man will sustain his infirmities, but a wounded spirit who can bear? I looked for no mercy from God, since I had been disobedient all my days. O but the issues of sin lay heavy on my conscience! Then I prayed to the Lord that He would spare me that I might have space to repent; and began to make vows and to bind myself to serve the Lord, if He should spare me: and it pleased the Lord to grant me deliverance from this sickness, and to bring me again from the gates of death.
But I was scarcely recovered from my sickness, when I turned sick of my vows. “Nevertheless they flattered him with their mouths; for their heart was not right with him, neither were they steadfast in his covenant” (Psalms lxxviii. 36, 37).
Not long after this I met with a book called, Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners. The title page suited me very well, for I thought that was surely I. In reading this book I found that its author had been a great sinner, and yet obtained mercy. Then I said, peradventure the Lord will be merciful to me also, since mercy is offered to the chief of sinners. This encouraged me greatly to go to the Lord in prayer and confess my sins; in doing which, I found such great melttings of heart, that sometimes I would be in a flood of tears, and resolved never to forsake the Lord all my days. I thought that Scripture, “My grace shall be sufficient for thee,” made a sweet impression on my mind. These affections, however, continued but for a season, for afterwards, both to my own apprehension and to that of those who knew me, and who despised of my conversion and the sufficiency of God’s grace towards me, they ceased to affect my heart and my actions; yet I trust in the Lord who hath in His own time made the sufficiency of His grace appear to me in a remarkable manner (and it is upon the sufficiency of His grace alone that I desire to depend, and not upon anything done by me or wrought in me by His grace), the grace that is in Christ Jesus is that in which I desire to trust.
As far as I remember I continued in this way of duty for three months, and took great delight in good books, to which I had ample access as well as time to peruse them, in the family in which I lived; but some books, such as Romances and Play-books, which had a very different tendency, fell into my hands: and in a little time I began to lose any relish I had for reading good books, and to spend my time wholly in reading works of fiction and frivolous amusement, by which I became neglectful of prayer, and turned seven times worse than before. My old habits of swearing and other secret sins also revived, and I took great delight in telling idle tales to those with whom I associated, which gave me such a habit of lying, that rather than want stories of that kind I would endeavour to invent them myself, which practice ultimately led me to such an awful state that I could scarcely speak a word of truth.
I was now become openly profane, and so dreadful was the custom of swearing I had acquired, that I could not even walk the way alone without cursing those who had become the objects of my animosity, because I could get no other revenge. I remained here for two years, and notwithstanding all my unparalleled provocations, must remark the Lord’s kindness to me during that period. First, in recovering me to perfect health and strength after I had been at the gates of death. And secondly, another act of divine providence towards me:—One day as I was coming up one of the streets, there was a drunken soldier going before me, whom some boys were annoying by throwing an old rag in his face. When I saw him, being ignorant of what the boys had been previously doing to him, I heedlessly took up the rag to cast it out of the way, which he seeing, and thinking that I was one of those who had been throwing it at him, he drew his bayonet and ran after me. Having no other place of safety to betake myself to, I went into a close, and just as I was entering and he about to thrust his weapon through me, the Lord, in His adorable providence, ordered it so that he fell headlong and for some time lay in a state of insensibility, by which I was enabled to escape.
A third instance of God’s providence towards me while in this place, I must not omit recording here. While coming one rainy day in the month of November from Edinburgh, and having made some stay on the way, I was benighted at Falkirk. When I came to the River Carron, I rashly entered the ford without considering the great quantity of rain which had fallen during the day; but no sooner did I get into the middle of the current, than the horse I had under me began to lose his footing, and the night being exceedingly dark I was at a loss whether I should go forward or return; upon consideration, however, I returned and crossed by the bridge which was at a little distance, and thus got home in safety. The first intelligence I received thereafter was, that a man had been drowned that night in attempting to cross by the same ford on horseback.
I went from Stirling to Edinburgh, where I remained six months with Mr. S—. Here I added to all my former wickedness, for I met with corrupted youths like myself, and we added one sin to another; and in whatever actions we were employed I was almost the foremost man. Yet, even in the midst of my foolish merriment, I had great awakenings of conscience, and greatly dreaded the wrath of God; but thought it was in vain to repent. “Thou saidst, There is no hope, no; for I have loved strangers and after them will I go” (Jer. ii. 25).
I was now eighteen years of age, and my father would have me to make choice of some business, to which I was ever very averse, for I loved my loose way of living so well, that I could not think of any other. My friends, however, prevailed with me at last to make choice of a trade, urging that it would be a more sure way of obtaining a livelihood than any other business I could follow. I therefore made choice of the occupation of a house carpenter, and went to Kippon, where I engaged for three years, with a friend of my own.
After going to Kippon, I had companions different from those with whom I had formerly been accustomed to associate myself, and, the church being near, I went every Sabbath to hear sermon, the Rev. Mr. Potter being at that time minister, who preached several sermons from Job xxii. 21. “Acquaint now thyself with him and be at peace, thereby good shall come unto thee;” and from many weighty considerations, enforced the necessity of being at peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. But my unbelieving heart raised a thousand objections; and the principal objection was, that it was too late; that the day of grace was past; and that God would never pardon me, because I had so often backslidden from Him. I was grieved at the happiness of others in which I had no share, and looked upon myself as the most miserable of all creatures.
I began then to think if ever such a sinner as myself had obtained mercy. This led me to think on the sins of Manasseh and Paul, who, I observed, had been great sinners, and yet obtained mercy. From the consideration of this, I began to entertain some hopes, for, by reading a book which treated of the nature of the unpardonable sin against the Holy Ghost, and of the way of committing it, I concluded that I had not committed that sin; and began to think with myself, that maybe the Lord would be gracious, since my sins were pardonable, “Who knows but the Lord will return?” So, thinking that my state could not possibly be worse than it already was, even should I perish, I resolved to try what the Lord would do.
From this time I began to be a new man, prayed twice every day, and abstained from the grosser pollutions in which I had been formerly wallowing. I also found great brokenness of heart for my sins, and often great sweetness in the following promises: “I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins” (Isaiah xliii. 25). But whatever delight or sweetness I found in this promise, during all that time, my subsequent inclinations and practice sufficiently testified that I did not understand its true meaning; especially, that part of it, “for mine own sake,” for my legal heart meant another thing; namely, my prayers, tears, and other acts of duty. I became now greatly reformed in the eyes of others, and no less so in my own, and spent all my hours of relaxation from business in reading my Bible and other devout books.
*[This was the first time I got any notional acquaintance with the Scriptures, so as to mind what I read.]
There was a glen at a short distance from my father’s house whither I always resorted to pray, and here I usually spent the Sabbath afternoons in reading, praying, and singing psalms.
Good people observing my attendance on the ordinances, began now to love me, and I began to love myself also when I found such inclinations in my heart, and such good doings performed by me, for I endeavoured, with all my might, to keep the commandments, and as to the outward walk, a Pharisee himself could scarcely say, “Brother, let me pull this or that mote out of thine eye.” My former ways were now forsaken, but my lusts not being at all mortified, but merely dammed up from running in the same channel in which they had hitherto flowed, necessarily flowed in some other channel, for it is impossible to dry the stream while the fountain is running; yet it is very possible to set a dam before a stream that will turn it into some other direction, except in the time of a violent land-flood which carries all before it: I mean strong temptations which will break all vows and resolutions made in one’s own strength. Consequently there was one particular sin by which I was frequently overcome, and which, every time I was assaulted by it, I found all my strength too weak to resist. This always prevailing destroyed my peace; I entered then into a covenant with God against this sin, binding myself with the greatest penalty, even everlasting damnation, in the event of my breaking it, thinking I would not be such a fool as to run the risk of damnation for the sake of one sin, when I had gotten, as I then thought, all the rest mortified. But the lock of my sin not being yet cut, when a temptation came, like strong Philistines, it broke all the cords by which I was tied. Such, indeed, was the strength and power of sin in me, that should hell itself in all its terrors appear before me, I would break through this hedge. Having passed the bounds of my obligation, my peace was completely destroyed. I fell into great despondency and saw that the Lord might in justice send me to hell since I broke my covenant with Him, and that in conformity with the sentence of damnation I had pronounced against myself. I thought, however, afterwards, that upon repentance and a more strict observance for the future, God might forgive me, and so vowed and resolved anew against my besetting sin.
This was the manner and method of my covenanting; I vowed in express words, before the Lord, to serve Him and abstain from all breaches of any of the commandments, and particularly that commandment which I most frequently transgressed; and as I repeatedly covenanted, I endeavoured to fulfil my engagement, watching against all outbreaks until the period to which I had limited it would expire, which was sometimes a month, and at other times two or three months, just as I might be in frame at the time of making the vow. The reason which led me to limit the vow to a particular time was this; I thought that my abstaining from my sin for a certain time would wear out the habit of sinning into which I had got, and that by frequent strivings against my lusts they would at last grow weak, and then be the more easily overcome. But it always happened that my lusts were stronger at the end than at the beginning; and if I thought that I had discharged my vow well (which I seldom did), I would take a little indulgence in my sin. For while my vow remained in force against me, I would be in the greatest bondage imaginable.
About this time I went to a neighbouring congregation, where the sacrament of the Lord’s supper was to be administered, not to partake, for I was very unfit for such an ordinance. Here I had great awakenings of conscience by the doctrine I heard, being thereby persuaded, that notwithstanding all my reformation my state was yet wrong. Coming home at night I fell into great distress, and, no person being along with me, I remained a considerable part of the night upon the road, sometimes crying, sometimes praying, and at other times throwing myself upon the ground, careless of the hurting of my body. At last I arrived at home wearied with the journey and the distress of my mind. I cannot distinctly remember by what means my mind was pacified after this storm, but this I know, that it did not last long, when I got some false peace, either by looking to some good I had done, or expected to do in time to come. This peace, however, did not continue long, for all my foundation was entirely rased by hearing a sermon from the following words, “Behold I lay in Zion for a foundation, a stone, a tried stone, a precious corner-stone, a sure foundation” (Isaiah xxviii. 16).
When I saw that my foundation was wrong, and that I had never built upon that sure foundation, Jesus Christ, I remember that, for some days thereafter, I was exceedingly anxious to know how to build upon the right foundation; but how I got my conscience satisfied about this foundation, or to what conclusion I came, I do not now very well remember: but I remember that my building did not stand long after this when it fell, and great was the fall thereof. For, shortly after this, having discorded with my master, I left him and went to Dumbarton, where I engaged for six months with another.
I was now twenty years of age when I came to Dumbarton, where I wanted the benefit of the good society I enjoyed at Kippon, and because I had not the root of the matter in me, was soon seduced by my new associates to get occasionally intoxicated, and when I would become deprived of reason would now and then utter an oath, for which, after I had become sober, I would heartily repent, and have recourse to my old habit of making vows, which were often no sooner made than broken. At last my building, which was made up of untempered mortar, fell to the ground, not all at once, but by degrees, from one step to another, till at last I found myself wholly sunk in the mire of sin, and joined with the rest of my companions in all their hellish courses.
As I was one day walking abroad in the fields, that Scripture sounded a dreadful alarm in my conscience, “when the unclean spirit is gone out of a man he walketh through dry places seeking rest, but findeth none; then he saith, I will return to my house from whence I came out; and when he is come he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished. Then goeth he and taketh with him seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there, and the last state of that man is worse than the first” (Matthew xii. 43, 45). O, how this went like a dagger to my heart! It put me in an agony to think of being forsaken by God and to become a habitation of devils. “Cursed,” said I, “be the day in which I was born; nay, rather cursed be the day in which I first departed from God! O cursed be the day in which I met with these cursed companions! O sad condition! to be given over to a reprobate mind. O miserable change!” I was in that state that I could pluck my hair, and tear my flesh. It is, indeed, impossible for me adequately to describe the unutterable horror with which my soul was filled. I looked upon myself as being altogether forsaken by God, and as having no more hope, but a looking for a fearful indignation that devoureth all God’s enemies.
After this, I for some time became so melancholy that nothing could give me any comfort. But afterwards I began to consider what I had better do. I saw that heaven was lost; and that I had no other heaven to get if I did not take a heaven on earth. Therefore I began to cheer up my spirits, and began to take my fill of sinful enjoyment while I might have it. Then all the bonds of restraining grace were broken, and I ran on in all manner of sin with greediness. I became like a wild ass in the wilderness, and used every means to lull my conscience asleep, which, however, I could not do. Company was the only remedy I found for easing my trouble, which made me flee to it on every opportunity; and because I could not be always in company, in order to divert my mind when in private, I learned all the ballads and songs I could get; which was but a bad cure for a wounded and festered conscience. Yet, notwithstanding all these means to which I had recourse, I could find no rest.
Then I thought that if I could persuade myself there was no God, that I could get some ease in my mind. But all my efforts could not free my mind of the impressions of the existence of God. It was my earnest wish that there was no God; but I could not shake off the dread of His vengeance, and in the midst of all my jollity, whilst endeavouring to shake off all thoughts of God and eternity, an irresistible impression would come across my mind, that there was a God, and an everlasting state of being, prepared for all impenitent sinners. “The fool hath said, in his heart, There is no God” (Psalms xiv. 1). [I found the thought regarding the existence of God continually assaulting me, and my doubts grew ultimately so strong that I concluded there was no God; nor could all my power and strength resist the violence of this temptation.]
I found now the sad effects of my former exercises, when I employed all my ingenuity and powers in persuading myself that there was no God, that I might sleep securely in my sins, although, as I have already stated, I could not, by all the means in my power, succeed in convincing myself of the reality of the object of this awful and blasphemous wish. All that I could do was merely to wish in my heart, that there was no God who might take vengeance upon me; and that temptation which I had before sought after with so much earnestness, came now of itself without any solicitation; and I was now as unable to impress the belief of the being of God upon my mind, as I was before to shake it off.
Being one day in an adjoining wood, and my thoughts deeply exercised about the being of God, I began to look upon the plants which were growing around me, and observed a most beautiful order in their form and structure. Having plucked some of them and examined them minutely, I saw so many branches growing from the trunk of each, and every one at a regular distance from the other; I saw also so many twigs spreading from those on either side, in so admirable and exact an order, that I could perceive no difference between one side and another. Again, I considered the various kinds of birds and beasts, and how every creature was provided with food and directed to its proper ends. Then I enquired of myself, How came these to be so? But I could not tell, unless by the power and wisdom of the Creator. And thus, when I considered the works of nature and providence, my mind was in some degree settled as to the being of God, and His providence towards His creatures.
Another day, while walking through the fields, I found the skull of a horse lying on the ground, bleached by the weather, so that all the seams and joinings in it were distinctly seen. Taking it up in my hands, I very minutely examined the curious seams by which one piece was joined to another, and the admirable windings and turnings that were about the ears and nostrils; I looked upon both sides of it, to see, if among so many intricacies and so many pieces joined to one another, I could perceive any difference or defect; and after I had spent a considerable time in comparing one part with another, I could not perceive the very least difference, but a wonderful order and adaptation in every part of it. I saw that nothing less than infinite wisdom could contrive such a piece of mechanism as this; and that all the men on earth could not frame such another, although they had it as a pattern; and if they could not frame the skull how much less could they join bone to bone, and cover them with sinews, flesh, and skin; and least of all put breath into it and cause it to walk and move as it once did? Then, I concluded, surely there is a God who is infinite in wisdom and power, who is the great Creator of all things, and who ruleth every thing as He pleaseth.
After that, I considered man, and how he excels all other creatures, especially in his being endowed with a rational soul by which he is capable of knowing God and His works. From these and from many other considerations of a similar kind, I became convinced of the existence of God; yet my mind remained unsatisfied as to how I ought to worship Him. For it was about the time I had met with the temptation, concerning the Divinity of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the authority of the Scriptures, in which I was assaulted with this temptation of Atheism, so that all directions afforded me from Revelation were rendered void; and this temptation, I mean that concerning the Divinity of the Lord Jesus Christ, like the rest, followed me till I got the discovery of God in Christ, which overcame this and the other temptations.
At this time, however, I had arrived at such a height in wickedness, as to sin openly and avowedly. I gloried in my wickedness, and was not content with making a boast of my own sins, but ascribed to myself the sins of others also. I never looked into my Bible, for it was a terror to me. The only books I studied, were Gordon’s Geographical Grammar, and the History of the Kings of Scotland; and for whatever I did I could not bear reproof, for the least reproof would arm my conscience with new accusations which would put my soul in an agony. I was one day reproved for my swearing, by a very ignorant, and I believe graceless person, when I thought the terror of my conscience made me so weak as scarcely to be able to stand.
I even went so far as to attempt to wrest the Scriptures, to justify my wicked actions. O! the height of all the impiety to which I had now come! “As also in all his Epistles, speaking of them in these things: in which are some things hard to be understood, which they that are unlearned and unstable wrest, as they do also the other scriptures, unto their own destruction.” “Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!” “Woe unto them that draw iniquity with cords of vanity, and sin as it were with a cart rope:” “whose god is their belly, and whose glory is in their shame, who mind earthly things” (2 Peter iii. 16; Isaiah v. 18, 20; Philip. iii. 19).
(To be continued.)