(Continued from page 152.)
AFTER I was in some degree delivered from this temptation, I felt a great deadness and coldness in my duties, with great hardness of heart and strong desires after my former idols. All my duties were blasted to me, and I became altogether unfruitful.
While reading one day in my Bible I turned to the fifth chapter of Isaiah, when the threatenings therein were brought home to my soul with such weight, and were so applicable to me, that I could not help thinking they were directed to myself in particular; especially these words: “What could have been done more to my vineyard that I have not done in it? Wherefore, when I looked that it should bring forth grapes, brought it forth wild grapes? And now, go to; I will tell you what I will do to my vineyard,” etc., etc.
I said, “True, Lord, thou hast used many means with me; yea thou hast been at more pains with me than with thousands who have obeyed thy voice, and complied with the motions of thy Holy Spirit. Long hast thou borne with my sinful ways in this wilderness; thou hast come for more than three years seeking fruit and found none but wild grapes; and I have been this long time cumbering thy ground, therefore thou mayest cut me down. And shouldst thou let me alone for sometime without cutting me down, yet in justice thou mayest cause the clouds of thy grace that they rain no rain upon me; and make the heavens to be brass and the earth iron to me. All these things thou mayest do, for I have sinned.” The considerations I had from these things led me to the brink of despair, for the following words bore hard upon my soul: “I also will command the clouds that they rain no rain upon it.” “O sad thought,” said I, “thus to have my roots dried up, and to bear no fruit any more; but to have briers and thorns growing up again!” “Who is rejected, and is nigh to cursing, whose end is to be burned” (Hebrews vi. 8).
Being one day more than ordinarily weighed down by the considerations of being rejected, I felt more than ordinary desire to go to some private place where I might have the liberty of pouring out my soul before the Lord; but my business being at the time very urgent and some people with me, I could not withdraw till I had dismissed them. In the meantime, there fell a great weariness on my affections; therefore I endeavoured to spend the day in ejaculations till such time as I could get an opportunity of imploring the Lord in private.
In the evening when I got myself free from all worldly hindrance, I went to prayer, where I thought the Lord brought me near to the mercy-seat. My mouth was filled with arguments, and, my bands falling off, I was wholly melted into tears.
After I had continued for some time at this duty, I thought these Scriptures came with overcoming sweetness and power to my mind. “Shall I bring to the birth and shall I not cause to bring forth? saith the Lord” (Isaiah lxi. 9). Along with this word there came a great calm upon my soul. Before, I was like the troubled sea, but now I found great serenity of mind.
I heard others talk of the new birth, and that there were great pangs in it, which led me to think that the trouble I was now in might be the pangs of the new birth; and if so how suitable was the word! It was a word in season to my weary soul. I cannot express the joy I experienced in thinking that God’s promise was that I should not stay in the place of the breaking forth of children. I came away from this place more happy than if I was made emperor of the whole world. I said, although the Lord would give me no more comfort in my duties, yet that I would live in the faith of that promise, that God never brought to the birth and then shut the womb.
Next day I went to a wood that was at a little distance, where I spent a considerable part of the day in praising God for what He had done for my soul. After which I thought God made me so to lay my hope on that word that whatever might befall me afterwards, I might say with His servant of old, “Remember the word unto thy servant, upon which thou hast caused me to hope. This is my comfort in my affliction, for thy word hath quickened me” (Psalms cxix. 49, 50). Then I began to meditate on the state of children in the womb, and saw that they were alive for some time there before they were born; yet that, although they were alive they were still encompassed about with darkness, and saw no light till the time of delivery was come; and that then they saw the light; and farther, that, while they were infants, they had but little knowledge of the world into which they were come, and that their knowledge of it increased as they increased in years. Then I said, maybe the Lord hath quickened me in the womb of His church, though I be not yet born; therefore I will not despair, because the Lord hath said that He will not bring to the birth and then not cause to bring forth. These considerations were the joy of my heart, for when I thought on the faithfulness of God who promised, I was melted into tears of joy. But notwithstanding all my confidence to wait upon God, even should He try me with delays, and darkness, etc., it was not four days after this when I began to call in question all I had met with. For that Word from which I had before received so much comfort, now grew tasteless, and I grew as discouraged as before, seeking through the whole Bible and finding no word suitable to my case. My fears were also greatly increased by reading that Scripture, “And the vision of all is become unto you as the words of a book that is sealed, which men deliver to one that is learned, saying, Read this, I pray thee; and he saith, I cannot; for it is sealed” (Isaiah xxix. 11). For I believed that the book of God was sealed from me, and that I was an entire stranger to the glorious mysteries which are revealed in it. Owing to this, when at secret prayer, I used to bewail my sad state before the Lord, in such words as the following: “O Lord! I am an entire stranger to the mysteries which are in Thy revealed will. All Thy saints have other eyes than I have to see and read Thy word. They see great beauty and loveliness in the Lord Jesus Christ, while I see nothing in Him that is desirable. They find great delight in Thy service, but I find none. O Lord! open thou mine eyes to behold the wonders of Thy law.” The conclusion I drew from this was, that I was as yet utterly ignorant of that saving knowledge with which the very least and weakest of God’s children are endowed. For when I heard them speak of their communion with God, and of the reality of another world, they spoke so feelinly and lively of these things as made me conclude that I never knew any thing of what they said.
I compared the people of God to travellers who had been in another country, and who, when they came home, were giving descriptions of it to those who had never been from their native land; and myself to a man who had never travelled, but had only read of the nature and appearances of the country; and, by means of a map, could speak more fluently of it than some who had travelled through it. But there was a great difference between their description of it and mine; not only in manner, but also in matter. They could say that they saw such and such things with their eyes, while all that I could say was, that I heard of these places, but never saw them, only that I believed the truth of the description. But because I was never there, my knowledge could not be real, but only notional.
I was still plagued with slothfulness and backwardness, and could find no inclination to duty but when forced to it by a natural conscience. I found such backwardness in myself, that I was, as it were, dragged to it; yea, I thought that I could sooner travel many miles barefooted on frost and snow, than go to prayer; nor did this backwardness proceed so much from an aversion to the duty itself, as from a slothful frame of spirit. Many were the portions of scripture I found charged against me for these things: such as “The slothful man saith there is a lion without, I shall be slain in the street.” I, moreover, felt a desire to delay the duty till a more convenient time. When this prevailed there generally came something or other in the way, by which the duty was altogether omitted. “Yet a little sleep, a little slumber” (Proverbs vi. 9).
The following text was very terrible to me: “Because thou art neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth” (Rev. iii. 16). For I apprehended my case to be singular, because I could not find in myself that which others were telling me they found in themselves; namely, the love of Christ constraining them to obedience. This I could not find in myself; therefore my obedience was not right. I still continued in the dark, and could find nothing from the word of God that was of any comfort to me. For the book was still sealed.
One day as I was walking through the fields these words came into my mind: “Behold, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the root of David, hath prevailed to open the book” (Rev. v. 5).
I then rejoiced to think that the Lord Jesus had prevailed to open the book to all believers. O to think on that word “prevailed” against all devils, whose work it is to shut men’s eyes from seeing the things that belong to their peace. I believed that the Lord would both open the book and my understanding to know it, which made me long to know the mystery of salvation.
There was one book in the Bible on which I could never look with delight; namely, the Song of Solomon. I heard some sermons from several texts of it, but could never hear them with any delight, because I could not believe them to be divinely inspired, having heard some people say, that it was a song made between Solomon and Pharaoh’s daughter. Therefore, when reading the Bible, I would not look into that part of it.
My former darkness and deadness still continued, and I sought from place to place in the Bible except in the part which I have mentioned, for some word suitable to my case, but could find none. But one Sabbath morning while praying that God would bless the public ordinances to me, and that He would make dark things light, I had some impressions on my mind that the Lord would give me directions that day how to walk. Therefore I went cheerfully all the way to the Kirk, hoping that God would shew wonders to the dead; and during the time of worship, I was waiting impatiently for God to send a portion of His word with light into my soul, but when the sermon was near a close I was as dead and dark as before. I then began to despair more than ever, calling myself a fool for believing any impressions I felt at prayer in the morning.
While I was thus perplexed, the minister was discoursing of the believer’s exercise when under desertion, and said, that they made it their study to attend every place where they thought to meet with their beloved; and that it was their language, O that I knew where I might find him! Then he cited these words: “Tell me, O thou whom my soul loveth, where thou feedest, where thou makest thy flock to rest at noon: for why should I be as one that turneth aside by the flocks of thy companions? If thou know not, O thou fairest among women, go thy way forth by the footsteps of the flock, and feed thy kids beside the shepherds’ tents” (Song i. 7, 8).
The only thing which my soul wanted to know, viz., where I might meet with Christ, was here expressed to me in the former of these verses, while the answer was given in the latter; so that before I arose from where I was sitting, I was both directed and comforted. I beheld also several glorious things afterwards in this book.
One thing in particular I learned from these scriptures was, that I should still wait upon God in the use of means, and follow the footsteps of the flock. There was another scripture also that supported my mind under the delays with which I was tried, and which kept me still in the way of duty: “In the morning sow thy seed, and in the evening withhold not thine hand” (Eccles. xi. 6).
From which I further learned that it was my duty to be still in the way of all means, because I knew not what means the Lord might bless to me; that it was dangerous to be out of the way that Christ used to pass by; but still to wait like the blind man, begging, in the way of duty. And the fourth verse says, that he who observeth the wind shall not sow. Which I thought might imply that I should not regard the winds of temptations, nor the clouds of discouragements, but rather to be always in the way of duty. These considerations kept me always at prayer and other exercises. In February, 1742, I was still seeking for this or that means for deliverance; but to no purpose, for I was like the door turning upon the hinges, and could never turn off the checks of sloth. I was altogether ignorant of Christ and His righteousness; was still hearing and reading of that grace of faith, and the necessity thereof to obtain salvation; yea, without which, there was no salvation to be had, and I was certain that I had never as yet believed; for I thought it was presumption to believe my sins were forgiven, till I should find a certain measure of humiliation, and sanctification of nature. And besides the want of these qualifications, the thoughts of the great number of the iniquities of my past life terrified me, so that I durst not believe, unless God would work a miracle to encourage me. I have wished that God would send an angel, or give me some visible manifestation from heaven, before I could venture to believe. “Master, we would see a sign from thee.”
One Sabbath as I was coming home from church, I was musing on these things, and wishing that some additional voice from heaven would sound in my ears, to testify unto me that my sins were forgiven, for I thought that without this, my conscience would never be satisfied. While thinking on these things, these words came into my mind, “Behold, I thought, He will surely come out to me, and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God.”
After I had read that passage, I began to consider how I should apply it to myself, and thought that Naaman represented sinners who came to the Lord Jesus, to be cleansed from spiritual leprosy, and that Christ’s answer was such as the prophet gave to Naaman, “wash in Jordan and be clean.” I saw that the Lord Jesus was ascended into heaven, and had given commission to His ministers, under the gospel, to direct all leprous sinners who want to be cleansed, to wash in His blood and be cleansed; and that it was in vain to look for miracles now, and that if I would not believe the truth of His word, I would perish for ever; and that many who saw the Lord Jesus with their natural eyes did not believe, although they saw the miracles which He performed. I then endeavoured to believe, but could not, not being convinced that it was my real duty to believe, till I should be better qualified. Some time after this, I met with a Christian friend, and spoke to him of my fears and the workings of my mind, but he spoke in such high and experienced language, as I could not understand. He told me of the victories that faith would obtain over all these doubts, but I did not know what faith was, only by report. I enquired “what was his opinion of Mr. Whitefield?” about whom I had heard many things, though I did not hear him myself. To which he replied, “that he preached the doctrine of grace in its ancient purity.” Hearing this, I began to consider what kind of doctrine that could be. But such was the pride of my heart, that I could not think of asking what difference was between that and any other; and because I found him to approve of that doctrine, I approved of it also, although I knew nothing about it. After parting with this man, I began to ponder in my mind what kind of doctrine that could be; for he spoke of it as different from every other doctrine in the world. I felt very uneasy till I should know more of this doctrine of free grace, and therefore read all the books I could get; but remained still in the dark. I thought that to be saved by free grace, was to perform sincere obedience to the commands of God, and that wherein I came short, God, for Christ’s sake, would forgive. And when I considered the promises, I looked first on the conditions to be performed by me, before I could pretend to have any right to Him.
(To be continued.)