I WENT where the Sacrament of the Lord’s Supper was dispensed but did not partake of the ordinance, believing that it would only increase my guilt.
While I was in this case I ventured once or twice to the Lord’s table, but the devil set upon me afterwards in such a manner that I was like to tear myself in pieces. But some discerning Christians began to discover my hypocrisy through the mask I had put on. Oh the hell I carried in my bosom! Wherever I went the dreadful sound of damnation was still in my ears. *[I could compare myself to nothing but the ground that brought forth briars and thorns, “which was rejected and nigh unto cursing, whose end was to be burnt.” O! how did all these Scriptures which speak of the dreadful state of apostates rend my soul to pieces. The sixth and tenth chapters of the Hebrews would now and then fall like a millstone upon me and cut any thread of hope that remained. O the amazing and soul-sinking horrors which I underwent! they would even make my blood run chill in my veins and cause a weakness to seize upon my whole body inasmuch that I could scarcely stand upon my feet. Sometimes I would toss and tumble like a wild bull in a net, being full of the fury of the Lord and of the rebuke of my God, and thereupon curse the day wherein I was born. O that I had gone from the womb to the grave and that no eye had seen me!
What tongue can describe the case of my soul which was once lifted up as it were to heaven and now must be thrust down to hell. Sometimes I thought that a man might fall totally and finally from a state of grace. Yet the Scriptures being so full and plain against this opinion I could not receive it.
Again, when I found Satan coming upon me as a lion for his prey, I thought that his roaring might proceed from his jealousy that, as yet, I was not wholly his own, otherwise that he would never tempt and torture me in such a manner.
I likewise thought that the devil understood well enough the difference between seeming and real conversion, and that he knew well when once a person was savingly converted that he was for ever out of his reach, yet that his malice was such as to torment that person as much as possible. So that the devil needed not use such variety of temptations to draw me into more acts of rebellion against God if he was not afraid of losing me at last. But again I thought that he was not so sure of any person while life lasted, but they might escape him at last through the mercy of God in Christ. And therefore I thought that his whole drift was to lead me into such acts of rebellion as would finish sin, that so sin of itself might bring forth death either by causing me to lay violent hands on myself or to commit the unpardonable sin.
I thought that there might be some invisible restraint upon him, otherwise that I would have been devoured before now. But this consideration was soon crushed by another, namely, that God would not destroy the Amorites before their time was wholly come or their iniquity was full, so any restraint put upon Satan was the same; and that when my iniquity was full, down I must go to the lowest hell. Oh! how did this thought rack my soul to pieces and all my strivings against sin and Satan served only to make my bands faster and firmer.
By whom could I be now comforted or what sun could shine upon me, since I believed that the Sun of Righteousness was set never to arise upon me any more with healing under His wings? What though I should gain a whole world, what would that avail to a lost soul or an awakened stinging conscience? It appeared that I had lost my God, my peace, my happiness in time and eternity. Oh! now I had lost my integrity, my faith, my hope, my comfort, and all my mercies were turned into miseries, so that I could take pleasure in nothing under the sun. Insulting devils triumphing over my misery and upbraiding me with folly and madness, enslaving corruptions in all the faculties of my soul and members of my body made me more and more like the image of Satan every day.
I might now say, with Saul, “I am sore displeased, for the Philistines make war upon me, and God is departed from me and answereth me no more,” etc. Every sentence of this lamentation carries a hell in its bosom. Oh! I was sore displeased indeed; the devil and my own sins made war against me; God was departed from me and answered me no more, neither by His word nor Spirit. He hath sealed the ordinance of His grace and will not hear me, though I cry by prayers, tears, and fastings. Alas! I who had that Scripture sounding in my ears so often—”Be instructed, O Jerusalem, lest my soul depart from thee” (Jer. vi. 8). But I refused to hear, therefore was made to feel another: “Yea, woe also unto them when I depart from them.”
It was more than one woe that came when God departed from me. My whole case resembled the roll that was written within and without, full of lamentation, mourning, and woe.
It was once my greatest joy and comfort to meditate upon a reconciled God in Christ, but now become my greatest terror. I could once read, hear, and believe these Scriptures, Isaiah li. 12, “I, even I, am he who comforteth you, who art thou then that thou shouldest be afraid? If God be for us, who can be against us?” But now I could read nothing, but “if God be against me, who can be for me?”
What Christian can hear of my dismal case and not tremble. Yet this was my situation from August, 1748, to July, 1750. It was, is, and shall be a wonder to me in what way my soul was held in life during these two last years, or how any spark of grace was left without being drowned by the enemies’ coming in like a flood into my soul; and yet I found my soul every now and then groaning for deliverance, saying, “O Lord, I am oppressed, undertake for me.” Sometimes I would turn my thoughts to that Scripture, “A bruised reed will He not break, and the smoking flax will He not quench,” etc.
I thought if ever there was a bruised reed that I was one, and then I would examine to see if I could find anything like grace; though I could not find a live coal, yet if I could find as much or anything that might shew my being within the Mediator’s office or among them whom He would not quench, but cherish their smoke into a flame, it would be comfort to me.
I would give the whole world if I had it that my soul could get hold of a free promise again, for I thought that I had sinned myself out of all the promises of the New Testament.
One thing, I observe, and that is: that notwithstanding all that Satan could do to stupify my conscience it retained a quick feeling of the least sin and my understanding remained clear, so that I was capable of drawing wholesome instructions from God’s word in reference to my case, but could make no application. I could comfort others but not myself, and then would groan under a sense of my unsanctified knowledge, saying, “Why is light given to a man whose way is hid and whom God hath hedged in?” I was afraid of nothing in the world so much as apostacy and now my fears were come upon me, and to whom of the saints could I turn?
At some seasons I found great desires after the Lord upon remembering my former communion with Him, and therefore said, “I will return to my first husband, for it was better with me then than now.” And although my soul was almost sunk in final despair I could not be kept from venting my grief to the Lord in the following strain, “O wretched man that I am, who shall deliver me from the body of this death? How long shall I find murmuring, rebellions, revenge, covetousness, slothfulness, and unbelief within my soul? Oh! how I love the image of Jesus and fain would I have it engraven on my heart and walk, for there is no soundness in my flesh, neither is there rest in my bones because of my sin. O Lord, all my desire is before Thee and my groaning is not hid from Thee. Oh! I find Thee knocking at the door of my iron heart by Thy word and providences, but I find my heart bolted against Thee by Satan and unbelief. O Lord! if I could, I would open unto Thee. But Oh! I am bound hand and foot as in fetters and chains of brass. Oh! now I am like to break my heart when Thou art standing without, and the devil and my own lusts within. I see Thy beauty and hear Thy gracious words, and yet cannot shake off my chains to come at Thee. I can as easily overturn the course of nature, remove mountains and raise the dead as open to Thee. O Thou who hast the keys of hell and of death, wilt Thou not open to Thyself and stand no longer reasoning with a man in chains? Every knock Thou givest aggravates my grief and longing, and wilt Thou leave me thus? Surely Thou hearest my groaning and seest the moving of my bowels towards Thee, yet out of this bondage I cannot get. But though I have brought all this upon myself, whether shall my covenant with death and hell or Thy covenant of grace be disannulled? Lord, deliver me, and let the gates of brass and bars of iron be broken in sunder by Thee. Thou wouldst not destroy a righteous Lot in Sodom, and wilt Thou destroy or disregard my secret groans and desires of redemption in the midst of such abundance of wickedness? for it is not merely desires of peace and rest, but desires of purity and holiness which are here. And who begat these desires? Doubtless Thou art their Father, though Thou acknowledgest them not at present. And wilt Thou stand and see these desires choked by filthy lusts? I’ll venture to say, it is Thy grace, for what else can I call these desires? O Lord, shall the cries of lusts prevail more to keep Thee away than the groanings of my soul to bring Thee to my deliverance? Shall not the blood of Christ speak better things than that of Abel? O Lord! hast Thou forgotten to be gracious, and wilt Thou be favourable no more? Is Thy mercy clean gone? Is there no help in God for my soul? Hast Thou but one blessing, O my Father! or hast Thou once blessed me, and shall I be for ever cursed? O Lord! Thou hast not ceased to be a reprover unto me, and wilt Thou cease to be gracious? Unto Thee, O Lord, belongs mercy, though I have rebelled against Thee and have not obeyed Thy voice, therefore the curse that is written in the law of Moses, Thy servant, is come upon me, and Thou hast confirmed his words which he spake, “for I am this day a curse and reproach unto Thy ways and people, and my life hangs in doubt before me. Yea, I am wearied of my life since Thou hast departed from me.” Yet, O Lord, Thou art just in all that Thou hast brought upon me. O God! hear my prayer and supplication which I present before Thee, not for my righteousness but for Thy great mercy, and cause Thy face to shine upon my soul that is desolate, for the Lord Christ’s sake.
These are a few drops from the fountain of my heart, for such thoughts were my meditation all the day and yet the power of sin remained. I could not believe that I had any grace, though I have since been made to see that it was at the bottom of these desires. But I could not go to my knees with these petitions, for if I did I was sure to have Satan roaring upon me again; but when I got my soul vented in private thoughts, either by the way when alone or when about my ordinary affairs, then I escaped the rage of Satan. But the wrath of Almighty God lay hard upon me, the poison whereof drank up my spirits. But Oh! what are two years or millions of ages in this situation to everlasting horror and separation from God, and that in such a manner as was never conceived or felt by any while in the body. I would rather be a chained slave during life than be a slave one day to such filthy lusts. Oh! may that grace of God be for ever praised and adored which hath made me Christ’s freeman.
In June, 1750, I began to search the Scriptures more carefully to see if there was any of the saints ever in the like condition, which might be a ground of hope to my soul, and then I found it written in Hosea, “I will not execute the fierceness of mine anger. I will not return to destroy Ephraim,” etc. Now I began to think on the wickedness of Ephraim, and God’s great grace manifested in not returning to destroy him by executing the fierceness of his anger. So I thought that I would search out the iniquity of Ephraim so far as recorded and compare it with my own case. And I found that he counted the “great things of God’s law a strange thing to him,” etc. And I said, “if Thou, Lord, shouldst take him by the arms teaching him to go as a child, his first journey will be to Egypt, Assyria, or any way rather than to Thee, his God;” and shall not Thy soul be avenged on such a person or people as Ephraim?
“I will not,” says God, “return to destroy Ephraim, for I am God and not man.” Therefore Ephraim and the rest of the sons of Jacob are not consumed. “I have smitten him in the way of his covetousness and was wroth, but now I have seen his ways and will heal him and restore comforts.”
O! Lord, this is amazing grace beyond the expectation and hope of Ephraim. “Yea, righteous art Thou when I plead with Thee, yet let me talk with Thee of Thy judgments.” Wherefore hast Thou threatened such grievous threatenings against Ephraim since Thou art thus resolved to deal graciously with him, saying, I will not execute the fierceness of my wrath. “Is Ephraim my dear son? is he a pleasant child? for since I spoke against him I do earnestly remember him still, therefore my bowels are troubled for him,” etc.
O! the love, the grace, and bowels of compassion that God manifests in this instance of Ephraim is beyond all thoughts or expression. But although I endeavoured to make a close application of all this to my own case, yet my soul refused to be comforted; God’s time to comfort me was not yet come. “Who is he that saith and it cometh to pass, when God commandeth it not?”
A little after this, when reading that passage in Psalms ciii. 13, “Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear him,” I began to think upon the pity of a father for his child. I had an only child myself, and therefore thought how much compassion I would show him if he was in distress. However, this consideration afforded me no comfort. Then Absalom’s case came into my mind, and I saw that David was a man after God’s heart, and that what was written aforetime was written for my instruction that, through patience and comfort of the Scriptures, I might have hope; so I considered Absalom as a rebellious son of David, full of all wickedness and abominations, which evidenced that he was a child of the devil. Therefore his father was obliged to raise an army to defend himself and conquer his rebellious son. But at the same time it is astonishing to hear these orders, “And the king commanded Joab, and Abishai, and Ittai, saying, deal gently for my sake with the young man, even with Absalom. And all the people heard when the king gave all the captains charge concerning Absalom.”
Now I considered myself as full of ingratitude and abominations, who by my wicked practices and cursed inventions has apostatised from the ways of God, and thereby declared myself to be a child of the devil. At the same time I beheld God in His holy justice mustering out awful threatenings against me in battle array, therefore was convinced that I could not stand and consequently began to look for conditions of peace, but could not in any way of thinking get any; and while I looked every moment to be swallowed by His divine fury I saw the Lord Jesus Christ, of whom David was a type, standing up to intercede for me, saying to the justice of God, “Deal gently with the young man for my sake, even with that young man by name, for he is yet alive in the midst of an oak hanging between heaven and hell, between hope and despair, and thrust none of Thy fiery darts through him, for I received the dart of my Father’s wrath, the dart of the fiery law, the dart of the rage and fury of hell, and all this for him; and therefore let none touch the young man, but deal gently with him even for my sake.”
O! the glorious grace I saw in this case of Absalom, the consideration of which was like to make me faint where I stood. The sympathy of David was amazing, but O the sympathy of Christ was still greater. The latter exceeds the former as far as the manifestation of the Spirit exceeds the ministration of death written and engraven in stones. O this was not the Lord’s sparing a son who served Him, but sparing a rebel, a most wicked and ungrateful son.
This instance begat some glimmerings of hope in my breast, the clouds began to dispel and the day star to arise in my heart. “It was something like light and darkness mixed together” (Zech. xiv. 6). I was now waiting for the Lord, as they who wait for the morning, but had no knowledge of pardon and unbelief being very strong, my patience was almost worn out.]
22nd July.—I got intimation that the Sacrament of the Lord’s Supper was to be dispensed at Muthil,* where I had several sweet communions with God, and I think that was the place in which my soul was first made to lay hold upon Jesus Christ and was often instructed and comforted by the ministry of the word. And having many Christian acquaintances there, I resolved to go and see what judgment they would make of my case and to lay myself open to the preaching of the word, but had no thoughts of going to the Lord’s table. However, as the day was very rainy and my body very weak, I frequently repented that I had set out, but at last I came to the place, and upon Saturday evening heard a sermon preached by the Rev. William Gillespie, minister of Cumnock, and whom, to the praise of God’s grace, I never heard in vain. The subject of his discourse was 2 Cor. iv. 8, “We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed,” etc. The very reading of this text was a sermon to me. I wondered that I had never seen that Scripture before when searching the Bible. He shewed a great many of those grievous distresses and perplexities of the Lord’s people arising from remaining corruption and the subtlety of Satan. And he likewise shewed the reasons why they were not in despair by all that the devil, the world, or the flesh could do, etc.
I was melted down where I sat under this sermon, and thought all my bands were loosing and the clouds dispelling. But immediately Satan raised an objection that such a person as the minister was describing could not be a child of God.
* The work of conversion to which we have in the preceding notes alluded in reference to the parishes of Cambuslang and Kilsyth extended itself to other parishes also, and among these to the parish of Muthil in Perthshire. Mr. Halley, the minister of this parish, to whose ministrations Mr. Buchanan bears an honourable testimony, speaks of it in a letter addressed to the Rev. Mr. Robe in the following manner:— “The work of God is going forward in this parish. Many seem truly awakened to a sense of their condition as connected with eternity. All those with whom I have conversed appeared to be touched to the very quick, the arrows of the Almighty shot to their very hearts, trembling like the Jailer crying out against sin and breathing and thirsting after a Saviour. My bowels were moved for them, and I hope the bowels of a compassionate Redeemer were yearning over them when they were with Ephraim bemoaning themselves. As a token for future good, a praying disposition among the people not only continues, but is upon the increase. Thirteen Societies for prayer have been recently instituted and a new one is about to be established. I cannot express how much I am charmed with the young people. They have now three Prayer Societies. The members of one of these made me a most agreeable visit upon the first Monday of the year, a day which young people especially usually spend in mirth and folly. Upwards of forty attended and continued in prayer and other exercises till about ten at night. And oh! to hear the young lambs crying after the great Shepherd, to hear them pouring out their souls with such fervour, with such beautiful expressions, with such copiousness and fulness, did not only strike me with admiration but melted me into tears. I wished in my heart that all contradictors, gainsayers, and blasphemers of this work of God had been where I was that night.” In a subsequent letter Mr. Halley thus writes:—”The concern in hearing the Word still continues, though not with such a noise and outcry as formerly. And though the public awakenings are not so discernible as they were sometime since, yet few Sabbaths pass but there are some pricked in their hearts, and with great anguish of spirit, crying, What shall we do? A law work is still severe and of long continuance with many, but the Lord is supporting, helping to wait, and keeping them thirsting after relief in Christ.”
(To be continued.)