(Continued from page 389.)
AFTER I came home and got time to reflect upon what the Lord had done for my soul, the first thing I sought to know and examine was that which I apprehended to be the grand cause of all those miseries which came upon me these two years past. And I concluded that it was the harbouring revengeful thoughts against — who had injured me. Then I enquired seriously of my own heart as in the sight of God, and said, seeing God is reconciled to thee in Christ, not imputing thy trespasses unto thee, etc., art thou cordially reconciled to thy enemies, especially to —, not imputing their trespasses unto them? My whole heart replied to this question, yea, yea, I am; for since God is reconciled to me, even to me, I am this day reconciled to all mankind and to those with whom I was at variance, and wish the safety of their bodies and earnestly pray for the salvation of their souls without the least inward grudge as if they had never offended me, which I took for a good mark that the grace of God was in me of a truth when I could so freely forgive those enemies. For revenge and old quarrels are mountains above the power of nature to subdue, roots no man by his own strength can pluck up, because it is above the power of reason to subdue these thoughts when they rise, nor can any length of time weaken them. These lusts are the strongest limbs of the old man.
Now the sun shone comfortably upon my soul in every duty, the Spirit of God quickened the habits of grace and brought them forth into a lively exercise. My joy was “unspeakable and full of glory.” Sometime after this I fell sick, which sickness was like to be unto death, but I found the prospect of it both terrifying to nature and trying to grace, therefore I began to set my house in order and lay my account to die and not live. And here I had a very gloomy view of my conduct during the hiding of God’s face; but my unspeakable mercy was, that before God laid His hand upon my body, He healed my soul. Then I began to examine whether I had received grace, and if my evidence for salvation would abide the test and satisfy my conscience, since I was about to appear before the impartial judgment-seat of Jesus Christ. Whereupon I found the following marks of being a believer in Christ:—
Firstly.
I was convinced of the universal depravity of my nature, of being a child of wrath even as others and no way meriting the favour of God, and persuaded of my inability to help myself out of this dreadful state, etc.
Secondly.
I found that I had received the Lord Jesus Christ upon the gospel terms in all His offices, that I rested on Him as an able and sufficient Saviour able to save to the very uttermost, that I had accepted His righteousness as my righteousness, being the only ground of my justification in the sight of God, etc.
Thirdly.
I found that I had a high esteem and regard for the holy law of God, and desired nothing more than to follow Christ’s example in fulfilling the duties which the law enjoined. I found that ever since God opened my eyes to see the superabundant grace of Christ in the gospel, that I desired to adorn that grace by conforming myself to the example of Christ, and that of all the errors which are in the world, I never abhorred any more than those which turn the grace of God into lasciviousness, making the holy Jesus a minister of sin. I further found that although I was now to all appearance on the brink of eternity, my aims were no more sincere to glorify God than when I was in perfect health; and that I had the same opinion and esteem of gold and silver, etc., save what was necessary for discharging my lawful debts and sheltering me from the inclemency of the weather, and for what nature might require of meat and drink.
Neither did I desire any new hold of Christ but what I had before. All my desire was to get strength to hold what I had already, because I enjoyed as much of Christ as my heart could contain or my faith could manage.
Fourthly.
I found my obedience flowed from a principle of love to God. And I can declare that although hell in all its terrors was uncovered, it could not influence me to such acts of willing and cheerful obedience as the love of God did.
Again: I was reconciled to all mankind without the least grudge, though far from being reconciled to many of their principles and practices, but had a fervent love to all who loved the Lord Jesus in sincerity, although they might, in other things, differ wide from me.
These are some of the evidences which I had of the grace of God being in me, and that I should not come into condemnation; God’s word and Spirit bearing witness with my conscience that I was not imposing a cheat upon myself. Yea, I had many sweet reflections upon eternity which I am not now able to write. O! what is it to have an eternity of holiness! an eternity of the most perfect obedience without weariness! an eternity of uninterrupted love! an eternity without any alternation! O eternity, eternity, how does the thought of it swallow up my soul! And yet I would fain live and fain die. O but the grim visage of death was terrible to my nature, but to all appearance there was no way of avoiding it. Therefore I considered myself as before God’s awful tribunal and examined by these or the like queries: “What hast thou done with all the talents with which I entrusted thee? what improvement hast thou made of them? How hast thou spent the time of youth and strength? How hast thou embraced the motions of My Spirit? What improvement hast thou made of My ordinances of preaching the word and receiving the sacraments? How hast thou employed My Sabbaths? How hast thou commanded thy family and servants to fear Me, and how hast thou ordered thy conversation before them? What example hast
thou given them and thy neighbours? How hast thou extended thy charity to the poor in visiting the widow and the fatherless in their affliction and keeping thyself unspotted from the world, etc.”
Unto all these and many more questions I was speechless and could not answer Him one of a thousand. O but the realising of eternal things is awful! Yet methought that I beheld the Lord Jesus Christ, who was my Advocate, performing this last office for me as Mediator, when I was arraigned at the bar of justice, opening His graceful lips in my behalf, pleading His own blood and merits, His doing and dying, His resurrection and glorification, by whose righteousness I was openly acquitted in judgment, to the everlasting honour of God’s law and justice. O who can express the glory of this view of Christ! And then I beheld the Lord Jesus, not only as my Advocate and Redeemer, but as my Judge. “The Father judgeth no man, but hath committed all judgment to the Son.” And O how sweet a consideration is it to behold a Redeemer and a Judge in one person! Was not this the Lord strengthening me upon a bed of languishing? I could rather lie upon an iron barrow with these considerations witnessed by the Holy Ghost to my conscience, than lie upon a bed of down with the sting and guilt of sin.
The thoughts of leaving a loving wife and a pleasant child were very hard upon me, but at last I got over this difficulty, being enabled to act faith upon the following Scripture: “Leave thy fatherless children and I will preserve them alive, and let thy widows trust in me.”
After I had got my faith fixed on this promise and command, I was as well and better satisfied than though I had an estate to leave them with coffers of gold, and having got resignation to God’s will, I was willing to live or to die as He pleased. But it was the good will of God to recover me to my wonted health, and I was enabled to offer to Him the sacrifice of thanksgiving for delivering me from the brink of the grave.
[While I was in this distress of body, my soul was daily instructed in the mystery of godliness and the absolute necessity of faith in order to overcome death, the devil, and all the lusts of the world; and I was also made to understand something of the efficacy of faith and the nature and tendency of it in the soul to promote all other graces, so that for some whole nights I have been kept waking not so much from bodily trouble as from my soul’s being wrapped up in the contemplation of God and eternal things.]
* Passages between brackets indicate that these are omitted in the Gaelic translation.
I profited more in this affliction than I had done all my life before. Being thus withdrawn from the noise and hurry of the world, I was the better prepared to receive divine instruction which the Lord was pleased to give me at this time. “Blessed is the man whom Thou chastenest, O Lord, and teachest him out of Thy law.”
The Sacrament of the Lord’s Supper was to be celebrated in a neighbouring congregation, and I had a vehement desire to be there. “As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God; my soul thirsteth for God, the living God,” etc. (Psalms xlii., and also Psalms xliii. and lxxxiv.) I quote these Scriptures because they were my meditation, and express the true desires of my soul to see the glory of God and to feel His powerful love in Christ constraining me, for I have experienced the ordinances to be like the “house of God and the gate of heaven.”
[But the weakness of my body made it a question whether it was my duty or not; however, I had such a powerful desire to see a broken, wounded Christ crucified for my sins that I could go on my knees to His ordinance; yet to do violence to my poor weak body, I thought it might be sin in the sight of the Lord, who hates robbery for burnt-offering. So I spent an afternoon in secret pleading that He would shew me what was sin and what was duty. Which proved one of the sweetest days to me that ever I saw or experienced, for the Lord not only removed my doubts as to what was duty, but all and every one of my doubts concerning my interest in God’s electing love in Christ Jesus; so that I spent that afternoon in praising Jehovah and the Lamb, and in calling upon all His works in every part of His dominions to praise Him with me.
I trust that the king of terrors in all his most formidable appearances will not make me forget that afternoon. O Lord, Thou art my God and my all. O Lord, my faith has ventured my soul, past sins and present imperfections upon Thy covenant of grace in Christ to bear me up and to be a God all sufficient to me as firmly as I venture Thy earth which is upheld by Thy mighty promise to bear my body.]
In this place I had a view of the Lord Jesus Christ as my Shepherd from these words, “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.” I was made to view Christ as He led the children of Israel for forty years in the wilderness, and His patience in bearing with them notwithstanding their repeated provocations, and how they were brought at last into the promised Canaan; yet I saw that He was obliged, sometimes, to chastise them with grievous scourges for their rebellions and to reduce them to obedience. Lo, He dealt with me in like manner; He brought me from a worse than an Egyptian bondage and gave me good laws, right statutes and commandments, which, if I had observed, my peace might have been extended to me as a river and my righteousness as the waves of the sea. “But I vexed His Holy Spirit, therefore He was turned to be my enemy and fought against me” till those goodly armies of grace which were given me at my conversion were almost destroyed in the time of my backsliding.
(To be continued.)