A LETTER BY MR. C. B. VAN WOERDEN, AKKRUM, HOLLAND.
A READER in England (Mr. H. B. Pitt, Trowbridge) has sent us the following valuable spiritual letter by our esteemed friend, Mr. C. B. Van Woerden, Holland, some of whose letters have already appeared in our Magazine. We have much pleasure in publishing this letter (written in 1908), and trust its perusal may be blessed to many:—
“AKKRUM, 27th July, 1908.
DEAR SIR,—I received your kind letter of 19th June and will try to answer you with a few lines. I delayed my reply longer than I should have done, but I was very busy. I had also some objection in my mind, being a bad writer and having meantime many correspondents; also the importance of your questions, being often in many fears whether I am really in a state of grace or not.
I cannot deny that I have some hope that the Lord commenced a work of grace in my heart from my very youth. At least, I remember that when about seven years, I got very strong impressions of my sins, which made me confess them with many tears, begging the Lord that He would pardon me. It was an old year’s night, and I could not sleep until I had a strong hope that He had heard me, and it was as if I felt that I loved Jesus for it; but on New Year’s morning I sinned again, and lost my hope.
From this time, until up to my twenty-fourth year (1884), I was never without impressions of my unconverted state, and I went as in a circle—of sinning, confessing my sins, promising the Lord not to sin again, and breaking my promises the first occasion I had. In these years there were principally two things which cast me much down, namely, the impossibility of believing in Christ, which I often tried with all my power (I had been always taught the Arminian doctrines); and a persuasion by many passages from Scripture, that I would not be saved unless I was elected, which stirred up my enmity and stood in my way of self-efforts to move the Lord to have mercy upon me. I did all that I could to deny ‘election,’ which was in my eyes the same as ‘closing the doors of heaven for ever to me,’ for it was impossible for me to have the least hope that the Lord would have chosen such a one as I was. Terrible Scriptures, also dreams, frightened me, and my hope arose from my fulfilling the condition of the conditional promises, especially this one, ‘Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.’ Under all these my efforts to conquer my sins and to get reconciled with God, my hope went more and more down that I would ever succeed, and I was more and more convinced of my lost and helpless condition. On a Sabbath morning, reading a sermon of Spurgeon from Isaiah liv. 7-10, the love of Christ was shed abroad in my heart in a very wonderful manner. I cannot say that it was by means of the sermon, and I cannot remember that any word was applied with power to my soul, but I was sick of love, and I expected that I would die that day, without any fear of death. The way of life was opened, and Christ became precious to me. I abhorred sin, and thought I was now really converted. Delivered from the dominion of sin, I would never sin again, and happy as I was, I expected to go henceforth my way with joy and gladness. But to my sad experience sin came back again, and I turned more miserable than ever before. From this time there came a change in my labour, knowing the power of Christ to save, but being unacquainted with the way in which the Lord carried on the work of salvation through Christ, my guilt came back again, but the Lord Jesus showed me the fountain of His blood, with His willingness to save me, also His necessity and suitableness, which brought peace into my soul, and I made a covenant with Him to serve Him for ever, giving myself into His hands for time and eternity. In these times I enjoyed much, but noticed very little. I had communion with Christ, access in prayer, no trouble with sin; in one word, I was happy. I cannot say how long this lasted, but at last the power of sin returned again, and with it, felt love retired, and fear came back, also the accusations of conscience. But the love of Christ enabled me to justify God in my damnation, though I could not live without Christ, and I besought the Lord that when He would send me to hell, He would grant me to love Him there. I thought hell would be a desirable place with Christ as a companion to love. With the power of sin and the loss of felt love, fear came back, and it came into my mind to meditate what the reason was, that, though I believed that Christ loved me and that I loved Christ, yet I could not look upon God without fear to meet Him, because of the strength of sin and the guilt it pressed upon my conscience. My heart was a fountain of sin, and I was distressed, abhorring myself. Then it pleased the Lord to reveal to me God the Father, in His sovereign, electing love, making a covenant with Christ to save me, because He loved me from everlasting, and that, therefore, Christ had delivered me. It was as if God the Father spoke to my soul, ‘I have known from all eternity what you are, but I love you for my own sake, and all your sins are forgiven, those under which you sigh now, as well as the past and future.’ A sense of the everlasting, electing love of the Father in Christ filled my heart, and quite broken I exclaimed, ‘Abba, Father, dear Father.’ I cannot express my feelings, but I believed that I was justified freely, and that nothing would separate me evermore from the love of God. But, afterwards, sin prevailed again and has often thrown me down, which brought me again under the bondage of the law.
The letter which you refer to in 1897, was written after this experience, which at this time was really so far hidden from my memory that I could not even touch it. About six years ago, I was again brought up a little out of my depths. Justifying God in my eternal condemnation, it pleased Him to give me a strong hope in His faithfulness, notwithstanding my unfaithfulness, and He gave me again much freedom which I had entirely lost. I have often thought that He would not spare me a moment, and He would have been just in it, yet I remain until this day, and what a wonder it is, I still hope in Him, and I will hope even if He would slay me. More than ever before, I believe that if I shall be saved, I will not have to boast, but the glory will be to the Lord and His free grace in Christ; and if it would please Him to throw me into hell, I hope never to open my mouth against Him, for He is, and will ever be, just in all His ways. . . .
There is no Church we are connected with, but we continue in reading sermons at present—Erskine, and John Owen, and Charnock. . . .
A letter from you or your wife will always please me, but you must not expect me to write often. May the Lord be with you and your family and all His dear people! Remember me at a throne of grace, when you have access there.—With kind respects, your unknown friend,
(Signed) C. B. VAN WOERDEN.”