Written by herself some years before her death, and now taken from her original Copy with great care and diligence.
“Come and hear, all ye that fear God, and I will declare what he hath done for my soul.”—PSALM lxxvi. 16.
“As we have heard, so have we seen in the city of the Lord of Hosts.”—PSALM xlvi. 8.
“Beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image, from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.”—2 COR. iii. 18.
(Continued from page 119.)
THIRD PERIOD.
Containing a short account of the progress of the Lord’s work on my soul, the straits I came under, with the particular outgates, and more than ordinary manifestations of the love, grace, and condescension of God to me, from the sixteenth to the twentieth year of my life.
HAVING now changed my occupation to other employments in my father’s house, which occasioned my being less alone and more in company, as also my labour required more of my mind; this put me into a great strait how to keep my mind with God, and not to slight my business, not knowing so well how to improve that Scripture, “Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord” (Rom. xii. 11). Yet God being my all and I knew not how to live without Him, I rather chose to forget my business and remember the Lord in the duties of religion, for which my mother did sore threaten me after this manner with these words, “You must go to the fremed (strangers) and be taught, for you will not be taught by me.” With that my spirit was sore cast down, and I knew not what to do; but I had recourse to my God by prayer, and that word came with power, “Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance” (Ps. xlii. 5). With this I felt a power that revived all my spirits, and I was much comforted, for I believed that God was speaking those words to me; for I could say He was my all when He smiled on me, and so the health of my countenance in the midst of all discouragements.
Yet few days after, my father, by way of lamentation, said, “Your sisters are all diligent to gain their bread, and what think ye will come of you?” To which I gave no answer, but went away grieved in spirit, and so cried to the Lord for an outgate. Oh, how distressing was it to me that my parents should thus reflect on me! So I went away to God, and as I was sending up my prayer to Him, there shined a light in my soul, by that word, “Thy bread shall be given thee and thy water shall be sure” (Isa. xxxiii. 16). There came such a power and sweetness along with this word, that now I thought I believed, although I should be banished from father and mother and all relations, that God would provide for me my daily bread. Thus holy sovereignty saw meet that my dear and gracious parents should thus deal with me, they not knowing how matters were with me, for I always endeavoured to hide myself from the world; but when they came to know that I was troubled in mind, they were both encouragers and helpers to me.
After this I had more opportunity to hear the Gospel; for all the former years of my life I had but few occasions of public ordinances, because of my employment; but now I attended close upon public ordinances, when opportunity offered: but, alas! I could not understand what I heard, for it was not suitable for my case, nor conform to my experiences. I remember one day, after I had been hearing sermon, I sat down to meditate, but could remember little or nothing what I had heard; with this I went to God by prayer, and pled that He would sanctify my memory that might retain what I heard, whether it was suitable to my case or not.
After this my parents were going to partake of the Lord’s Supper, and they advised me to go with them; so I set about preparation and self-examination, in which I came to some composedness of mind, and a reflex light was sent me, by which I did go back to the morning of my day, and got a view of my sins, both of omission and of commission, and was made to examine my state by those marks of grace given in the Scriptures, as also to examine my duties, both as to number, matter, and manner of performance, and all this with enlargement and brokenness of heart in prayer. The place where the Lord’s Supper was to be celebrated was a good way off. On the preparation-day, the two texts were wonderfully ordered for me; the one was for my trial, the other for my consolation. The one was, “Who is this that engaged his heart to approach unto me? saith the Lord” (Jer. xxx. 21). The other was, “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life” (John iii. 16). This was a sweet day to me; but on the Sabbath morning I was sore straitened, for I could neither pray nor meditate; in the first sermon, I was again revived; the text was, “Unto you, O men, I call; and my voice is to the sons of man” (Prov. viii. 4). The whole of the sermon was good; there was a word in the close of the sermon, with which I hope power came, the word was, “Take Christ in the arms of thy love, and thou shalt have him.” With this word there shined a light in my soul, and immediately I arose, and went to the table, believing it would be as the minister said. And while I was partaking, there shined a light into my soul, more bright than the former, and continued in less or more for the space of half a year. Oh, this was a sweet feast to me! And so I came from this solemnity, with my soul lifted up in the ways of the Lord, and running swiftly in the ways of duty.
There was one thing that I much admired, that I understood those sermons so well, and that they suited my case and were so conformed to my experience, when the sermons at home were not so. During this half year that this light continued, I had many pleasant days and nights in prayer, and when I read the Scriptures, this light so shined on my soul, that I was instructed more in fundamental truths than ever I had been all my life before. Also by reading Mr. Vincent on the Shorter Catechism, it was remarkably blessed for my instruction, and there was such a power came along with this light, whereby my understanding was so enlightened in the knowledge of those truths, so that my whole soul was made to embrace both the truths themselves and the object therein revealed; yet all those years bygone, I was come to little fixedness of state, but was still up and down with sense. When this light and power was present, it was easy for me to believe what God had revealed in His Word concerning man’s salvation, with particular application to myself; but when it was withheld, I could believe nothing.
This all passed in the seventeenth year of my life. In the beginning of the next year the light was darkened, and I fell under a new damp. I longed for another communion, and it fell out that an opportunity came, but with a few days’ advertisement, which brought me into a great strait, because I had no time to prepare; yet my necessity being great, and also the sweetness of the last communion to my soul, greatly influenced me. So I went away, and all the way that word, “The preparation of the heart in man, and the answer of the tongue, is from the Lord” (Prov. xvi. 1), ruled in my mind all the way as I went. From this I was helped to believe that God could prepare the heart immediately without my endeavours, and so on the Sabbath morning, in secret prayer, I met with that which I could never tell the world of, and the whole of the day was sweet and refreshing, and I came away from this solemnity greatly strengthened and revived.
I remember it was my ordinary to try myself by what I had heard, and there was one thing still I did miss in my experiences, which was that I had never gone through a law-work, nor known what a spirit of bondage was, except some short convictions, and immediately got an outgate again: so when I heard the way of the Spirit of God, His preparing the soul before it embraced Christ held forth in the Gospel, I thought all that I had met with was far short, and that one in nature, by common operations, might attain to all that I had attained to. By this I razed all my hopes, and it pleased the sovereign Lord to withhold those comfortable blinks of divine light and power that I was wont to enjoy; yet, nevertheless, a merciful and gracious God was pleased to manifest the sovereignty of His grace and mercy to me, one of the vilest of Adam’s degenerate posterity, in opening my eyes to see a deeper sight of my natural state than ever yet I had seen. Now I was led to see what a happy creature man was, when he came out of the hands of his Maker, and that he was both able and willing to serve his God in all things that He required, without the least breach or failure, as is evident from his first creation, being created after the image of God, as is clear from Gen. i. 26, 27. But, by the entrance of sin, this beautiful and shining creature, that was the noblest piece of all the lower creation of God, now become the vilest of all creatures, and instead of the image of God, he now got on the image and livery of the devil, and God becomes his enemy, casts him out of His favour, and draws the sword of justice against him. The law, with all its curses is against him, and, oh, now he is made liable to all the miseries of this life, to death temporal, spiritual, and eternal, and to all the wrath and curse of God in hell to all eternity, as is clearly held forth (Gen. iii).
All this was set before me, and I was made to go through every step of man’s misery with application to myself, by which I came under such awful impressions of the holiness and righteousness of God as if I had seen the sword of justice drawn and pointed against me, and as if hell had been open before me, and I justly deserving to be cast into it: this being so strongly impressed on my mind, I was seized with great terror. But it pleased a merciful and gracious God to cover these fearful and terrible views from my mind in some measure, yet got no sensible outgate, but remained for several days in great terror, fearing every moment that the earth would open and swallow me up. Yet, for all this terror and confusion that I was in, there was a light in my mind, leading me back by reflection on the former discoveries I had got of the way of salvation by Christ, but I still cast all away, because I thought all my former experiences were but common workings of the Spirit, and that which one in a natural state might attain unto. There was also a broad sight of my actual sin laid before me; here I saw that many a bitter fruit of actual transgression had sprung from the cursed root of original corruption, and I was made to mourn over all my prayers and sweet hours as nothing, yea vile, without God and His grace in them.
Thus I was in great distress, and knew not what to do; but that was brought to my mind, in the third of the Song, from the beginning to the middle of the fourth verse, where the spouse, when she wanted Christ, tried all means, and went to the watchmen, which I take to be ministers; and so I went to the minister of the parish for advice. I told him my case, but he gave me little answer, and what he said was not suitable to my present exercise, and instead of opening up the remedy, he razed all my hopes of mercy, which increased my terror and confusion: but in the way, between his house and my father’s, that word was brought to my mind, “Because with lies ye have made the heart of the righteous sad, whom I have not made sad,” etc. (Ezek. xiii. 22). What to make of this I did not know, but there came along with the word a mistrust of what the minister said to me; yet I remained all that night like one distracted, and when I was in this great distress, holy sovereignty appeared for my relief, and sent that word with light and power, “I am the way, the truth, and the life,” etc. (John xiv. 6). By which God, in mercy to me, composed my mind, and enlightened my understanding in the great mysteries of salvation by Christ. Here I was made to see what Christ had done, that so He might be the way, the truth, and the life, to sinners to come to God by. Here I saw that He veiled His glory for a time, by taking unto Him man’s nature, being born of a woman, and travailed through a wilderness life, attended with all those sinless infirmities that man’s nature is liable unto, wherein He fulfilled the law, and died a cursed death, and bore the wrath of God that an elect world did deserve, and had the sword of divine justice sheathed in Him, according to Zech. xiii. 7, “Awake, O sword, against my Shepherd, and against the man that is my fellow, saith the Lord of hosts: smite the Shepherd,” etc.; and that He was buried, and the third day He arose again, and ascended, God and man glorified in one person, accepted and exalted at the Father’s right hand, and as the Head and Representative of all the elect, and gave the Spirit in a more plentiful measure, according to His promise to His disciples, as in John xvi. 6, 7, “For if I go not away, the Comforter will not come unto you; but if I depart, I will send Him unto you.” Here also I saw that the Spirit is the applier of the whole of the redemption purchased by Christ; all this I was led to see in a clear light, and I felt greater power than ever formerly, and much more than I can here mark down.
After this I was labouring to understand how this redemption was applied, and for whom it was designed. Lo, here I was led to travel, as it were, between Mount Sinai and Mount Zion!
This light and power did so enlighten my mind, and put my soul in such capacity, as to take up the completeness of that redemption, as every way answerable to every step of man’s misery by the Fall.
And while I was rejoicing in this view of all those sweet discoveries, this question arose in my mind, Christ did all this but for a remnant, but how knowest thou that thou art one of them? Here my greatest difficulty did arise: there were two places of Scripture brought to my mind—the one is, “All that the Father hath given unto me, shall come unto me” (John vi. 37); the other was, “In that day, there shall be a fountain opened for the house of David, and for the inhabitants of Jerusalem, for sin and for uncleanness” (Zech. xiii. 1). From this I saw that there was a certain number given by God the Father to Christ, and none but they would have access to the fountain opened to the house of David and for the inhabitants of Jerusalem. Oh, here I knew not what way to take it, that I might know if I was one of the Father’s gift to the Son.
After this, I compared myself with those marks of grace given in Scripture, according to the conditional promises. Here I was led back, by a reflex light, to the dyke, the stone, and the hill-side, places where I had been informed in the way of salvation by Christ, and had felt the power of grace determining my soul to embrace Him, as the forementioned light cleared up to me by the Scriptures. Here I thought to have founded my faith and hopes of salvation, by this rational reflection, because I found in my experiences those marks of grace that the conditional promises did require: and while I was comforting myself with these things, that question was brought to me, Did you not cast away all those former attainments as delusions, and as what one in nature might attain to, and how dare you then venture to comfort yourself by them? With this again I razed my hopes, and for all that Christ had done for sinners, I could take no comfort from it, because I could not win to know if I was one of them the Father had given to the Son to be saved by Him.
After this, I was in great distress for several days, still crying to God for an outgate: so it pleased a gracious God to display His sovereignty for my relief, which was one night, in secret prayer, I was so raised in my soul that in some measure, I may say, whether in the body, or out of the body, I cannot tell; but this I do remember, I was turned to behold the glory, from which there shined a light unto my soul that strengthened and capacitated it to behold glorious objects and inexpressible mysteries that were represented to my view; and here I was allowed, as it were, to come near God, and got a soul-satisfying blink of His glory, and would have been content to have lived so to eternity. And while I was thus beholding and enjoying, it was darted into my mind, as if a voice had spoken to me, “Thy name is written among the living in Jerusalem,” and immediately the veil covered the glory which I beheld. After all this there remained a light on my soul for a whole year; but sometimes it shined brighter than at other times.
(To be continued.)
THA iad ag innse dhomhs’, Iain,” arsa neach àraidh r’a mhaic, “gum beil an abhuinn Chluaidh (Clyde) gu math ain-leathain ann am badan. Cionnus idir a gheibhear air te dhe na soithichean mòra a thoirt gu tèaruint’ a nios gu ruige Glaschu?” “Tha doigh ac’ air sin,” fhreagair Iain, “le bhi cleachdadh soithichean beaga ris an can iad tugs. Bithidh aon tug a’ dol air thoiseach air an t-soitheadh ‘g a tarruing air aghairt agus ‘g a seòladh, agus bithidh tug eile ‘n a deigh ‘g a tarruing air ais. Tha i mar so air a cumail teann anns a chursa shàbhailt.” “Seadh, dirreach,” thuirt a’ chéud neach, “Sin agadsa, Iain, mar a tha ‘n anam gràsmhor air a ghleidheadh bho bhi ‘deanamh long-bhriseadh air cùrs’ abhuinn na beatha so. Tha an Spiorad Naomh a’ dol air thoiseach air, ‘g a sheòladh agus ‘g a thoirt air aghairt ann an slighe na naomhachd, am feadh tha ‘n fheòil a’ streap r’a chulthaobh ‘s a’ deanamh na dh’ fhaodas i gu ‘chumail air ais. ‘Tha an fheòil a’ miannachadh an aghaidh an Spioraid, agus an Spiorad an aghaidh na feòla.’ Eadar an dà chumhachd so, tha’n anam air a chumail teann anns an t-slighe, agus, mar a tha e cinnteach gun toir an Spiorad buaidh fadheoidh, bheir se e gu tèaruinte a dh’ionnsuidh an caladh a’s miannach leis.”