Written by herself some years before her death, and now taken from her original Copy with great care and diligence.
“Come and hear, all ye that fear God, and I will declare what he hath done for my soul.”—PSALM lxxvi. 16.
“As we have heard, so have we seen in the city of the Lord of Hosts.”—PSALM xlvi. 8.
“Beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image, from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.”—2 COR. iii. 18.
(Continued from page 245.)
FOURTH PERIOD.
Giving some account of a dark cloud of desertion I came under, from the beginning of the twentieth year of my life to the twenty-third; as also the various temptations I underwent from Satan; with a short hint of a begun outrage.
IN the beginning of the twentieth year of my life, one day about three o’clock in the afternoon, I was in meditation before prayer, and suddenly there arose an objection in my mind. What ground hast thou for those comfortable hopes and expectations that thou hast entertained the last year? And with this there fell a great confusion and darkness on my mind, and a terror seized me. I remained in this condition for two hours; yet a gracious God sent that word with light and power into my mind, “Wilt thou not from this time cry unto me, My father, thou art the guide of my youth?” (Jer. iii. 4).
By this my soul was quieted, and so I went to God by prayer that He would tell me if this was from Himself, calling me to try my evidences, or if it was a temptation from Satan. So immediately after this petition, that word was brought to my mind, “If this work be of God, it cannot be overthrown, but if of men it shall come to nought,” as in Acts v. 38, 39. This I applied to myself, and said, If this be from God that I have met with, the Lord will order it for my good, but if it be from Satan, it shall go to nought. On the same day at evening, while I was in prayer, that word which was spoken to the Prophet Elijah came into my mind, “And the angel of the Lord came again the second time, and said, Arise and eat; because the journey is too great for thee. And he arose, and did eat and drink, and went in the strength of that meat forty days and forty nights unto Horeb the mount of God” (1 Kings xix. 7, 8).
This passage of Scripture being laid before me, with application to my own case, it became very bitter to me to think of being deprived of the spiritual food and refreshment I had enjoyed in the former years, and now to wander in a wilderness of desertion, sin, and temptations, even after I had got such clear views of my interest in God, as my covenanted God and Father in Christ, and the Guide of my youth, and now to want the light of His countenance, and sensible manifestations of His love, and downpourings of the Spirit of grace. Oh, how bitter were the thoughts of all this to my soul!
On the day following I was pleading with God in prayer that He would remove the darkness from my soul, and lift on me the light of His countenance again, and as I continued pleading, my soul was like to turn desperate, and I opened my mouth thus unreasonably to God, and said, “Take away my life ere Thou take away the light of Thy countenance;” and immediately the veil was drawn aside, and I got a sight of His glory. But, oh, this pleasant blink lasted but for a moment, and my darkness did immediately return. And on the day following, that word was brought to me with power, “My times are wholly in thy hand” (Ps. xxxi. 15). This I applied to myself, and said, “My times are also wholly in Thy hand, and I believe He will order them for my good.” So I went on for several days pleading and hoping that my enjoyments would return again, but, alas! I was disappointed.
After this, there was one who was reported of for an experienced Christian, with whom I endeavoured to be acquaint; and after converse with her, I imparted some of my mind to her, and told her of my sweet life I had enjoyed through the last year, and what a sudden deprival I had met with. She told me that I must part with that life, or I must go out of the world; as also she told me of a life of faith a believer lived by in this world, and that sensible manifestations were reserved for eternity. And by a similitude she taught me that Christ did with His young converts as a woman doth with her child: when it is young, she carries it in her arms and leads it by the hands, but when it comes to more strength she lets it walk alone, and take a fall, and rise again, and yet her love is still the same. So doth Christ with His people in their first entry into His way; He manifests much of His love to them, but when they come to more experience, He withdraws sense from them, that they may be taught to walk by faith, but yet His love is still the same to them: as also she told me, I must not think always to enjoy the blinks of divine light and love, but I must come down from the mount of manifestations, and take part of the dark steps of the wilderness, as the cloud of witnesses that had gone before me had done.
Oh, this was a good advice, but, alas! I knew not how to take it. In my former life I had been smitten by ministers, and Christians and nearest relations had been the instruments of my trial, yet when all streams were much dried up, my relief came still from the fountain Himself, and if I parted with that life she called sense, I knew not how to live.
Thus I lived for the time of two months, reasoning with myself how to live this life of faith; but still my darkness did remain, and the Beloved of my soul had hid His face from me, and my condition was so ill, that one night in prayer I began to cast away my hopes; and in the same night that word was sent to me with such a rebuke that ever since I durst not raze my state, however low my condition was. The word is in Deut. xxxii. 6, “Do you thus requite the Lord, O foolish people and unwise?” This I did apply to myself, as a just rebuke for my bad requital of all the kindnesses I had met with from a gracious and kind Lord: so immediately my soul grasped, as it were, and took hold of God, as my covenanted God, and I resolved, in strength of His grace, never to quit grips of my interest in Him, although my condition should be never so low.
After this, Satan began with his temptations, representing himself to my fancy in several shapes, and I was daily tormented with the fears of his appearance. And one day as I was praying for the destruction of his kingdom, I thought he said unto me, “Forbear me, and I will forbear you.” A short time after this, I fell under straitening in prayer, and my former liberty and freedom was withheld; upon this, Satan upbraided me that I had yielded to him. Another day I was praying that God would be with some friends that were absent from me as with myself, and suddenly that was darted in upon me that God could not be everywhere present.
This temptation came with such power that it struck me silent. Oh, this was bitter to me that he should thus tempt me to atheism, and this embittered it the more to me, that God did withhold His wonted help; for formerly, when Satan had thrown in his fiery darts at me, I would have found present relief, with a power sent me, by which I could have drawn the sword of the Spirit, the Word of God, and so have resisted him; but, alas! now the sword is blunted in my hand, and I have no power to manage it. Satan also continued representing himself to my fancy, in several shapes; and, in the duty of prayer, he set most furiously on me, so that I could not continue any time, but when I was helped to draw the screen of the covenant about me, and when I was allowed to pour out my soul to a reconciled God in a mediator, and to view my Redeemer as a conqueror over Satan and all his emissaries. One night in prayer he made a visible approach, so that I was forced to fly out of the place: yet the Lord mercifully appeared for my relief, and sent that Word with power on my soul, “Fear not, for I am with thee to deliver thee” (Isa. xli. 10). And while I was thus molested with his temptations, and felt the members of the body of death arising against me, and my glorious Redeemer withholding the sense of His love from me, this brought me into a great strait how to live in the world; and when I was thus sitting down disconsolate, that word came to me with power and life, “I will guide thee with my counsel while here, and afterward receive thee to glory,” as in Psalm lxxiii. 24. After this the devil went away, and left me for a season with these sort of temptations that had continued three quarters of a year. All this passed in the twentieth year of my life, being the first year of this dark cloud.
The next two years I shall join them both together, for it proceeded from evil to worse with me, and these two years there was not only a withholding of the blinks of divine light, in the sensible downpourings of the Spirit, and of the smiles of divine love, but there was also a deprival of the exercise of all grace as to my sense and feeling, as also a deadness and powerlessness overspread my soul, so that there was no duty I could perform as I had done, and there was nothing left me but the views of my interest in the covenant, and some hopes that the Lord would return again; and if not in time, yet sure at the end of time, I should be put in the possession and full enjoyment of my glorious Redeemer to all eternity.
I am persuaded if this had not been allowed me, I had gone distracted; for formerly I would have wondered, when I heard the people of God complaining of a wandering heart in time of duty, and of vain thoughts in time of hearing sermon, but now, alas! I found those to my sad experience. Although formerly I could have heard a sermon and prayed without a vain thought, now I found it a great difficulty to bring my heart to duty and to keep it there, so I went from duty to duty where formerly I was wont to enjoy the gracious presence of Christ; but, alas! “My beloved was gone; I sought him, but I could not find him; called him, but he gave me no answer,” as in Song v. 6. Thus I went on lamenting and bewailing my sad loss, but, alas! I got no out-gate. Oh, the bitterness of soul I then did endure, both under the power of prevailing sin, a tempting devil, and a hiding God, withholding grace to oppose and batter them down. Much more passed in these two years that I forbear to mention.
Thus passed these three sad years of my life. Now three years of this dark cloud are over, but, alas! the fourth year was darker than them all: for now I was not only deprived of the blinks of divine light, and of the sensible smiles of my Beloved, but also of the sensible exercise of all grace and all duties I had been exercised in; and this was not all, but the chain of the devil was let out, and all the troops of infernal spirits, and swarms of lusts, members of the body of death, did gather themselves together against me. This did holy Sovereignty see meet to permit for ends known to Himself. Here I stood stripped naked of all my armour as to my sense, and exposed to the open field of temptation, where I endured the thunderbolts and fiery darts of the devil; yet, notwithstanding of all these, I was allowed to hold fast my grips of an interest in the covenant.
One day, as I sat down to read my Bible, the tempter bade me cast it away—it was not only once or twice he so did, but for many days he continued calling me to cast it away, and I was so far deprived of my armour, that I could do no more to resist him but hold my Bible with both my hands and weep over it.
(To be continued.)