Written by herself some years before her death, and now taken from her original Copy with great care and diligence.
“Come and hear, all ye that fear God, and I will declare what he hath done for my soul.”—PSALM lxvi. 16.
“As we have heard, so have we seen in the city of the Lord of Hosts.”—PSALM xlvi. 8.
“Beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image, from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.”—2 COR. iii. 18.
(Continued from page 58.)
AFTER this, for the time of four months, there was a great alteration in my case, for during all this time, for ordinary, duties went well with me, and frequently in prayer and meditation my soul would have been so opened and enlarged, and such access to the throne of grace allowed me, and such blinks of divine light shined on me, so as I thought the veil rent, and I got such views of glory that I cannot put in words. Also, during this time, I got sights of the glory, as shining in the glass of the Gospel, that I had never seen before. There were some sermons wherein I felt such a power, and saw such a glory, as if I had almost been swallowed
up in immediate vision, and at some times I would have looked round about me on all the congregation, and wondered if there was one soul that would go away and not embrace glorious Christ; and that thought frequently haunted me, What aileth the world at glorious Christ? Yet all those glorious discoveries I got of Christ, both in secret and in public ordinances, did not satisfy me, but were as fuel added to the fire of love and desire after possession and enjoyment of Christ, and that glory that had been many a time made to pass before me.
There was one day the flame of love and desire was so unsufferable that I was forced to utter that request to God, that he would either moderate those desires or satisfy them, for I was not able to bear up under them; upon the consideration of this, there was a question that I asked at myself, which I could never answer, and it was this, What of Christ wouldest thou have? But oh, I found the fulness of Christ as Mediator was so unfathomable, and his love so inexpressible, that the more I saw of it, the more I tasted, the more I felt of it, still I longed the more, I hungered the more; and the more I dived into it, I found it the more unfathomable, and the question unanswerable. But I thought there was still something wanting I was wont to enjoy: that I can best express by this comparison of a child that had been much dandled by his father, and had got much of his love and secrets intimates to him, yet for some fault the child commits, the father casts down his countenance on him, and banishes him out of his presence; on this the child falls a thinking, and so returns back to his father again and asks forgiveness; to which the father condescends and forgives the child, and restores him to all his former privileges again, but yet denies him that intimacy and love-smiles that he was wont to allow him; this cannot but raise a jealousy in the child’s mind that the father hath still a quarrel against him.
Thus it was with me, for once on a day the Lord in sovereignty dandled me on the knees of sense, and allowed me the sweet smiles of His reconciled face, and revealed to me His secrets; yet afterwards I was deprived of all those enjoyments, the cause of which is known to Himself; yet after all this my gracious God, like a tender-hearted father, restored back to me, a poor prodigal, the whole stock (so to speak) that I had lost, with a liberty to make use of it; yet, alas! He did withhold the sensible smiles of His love, and denied me those secrets, and sweet communion, and intimate nearness I was wont to enjoy.
Next I felt a reasoning what ground or argument could I make use of in pleading with the Lord for what my soul would be at; but here I could find no ground for reason to go on, for it was sovereignty alone that brought me near at the first; so in this sovereignty and freedom of grace I would yet plead to be brought near again.
After this, one day as I was in prayer, it pleased a sovereign and gracious God, as it were, to rend the veil, where I met with a
renewed discovery of glorious Christ, in the sweet rays of His glory and manifestations of His divine love that ravished me and brought me near hand, and so filled me with such a sense of His love that I could hold no more. So I remained as if I had been in possession for some time, but what I here both felt and saw I will neither word nor write, and so the veil returned and covered the manifested glory I then beheld. And when I saw the light of this world again, I earnestly desired to be dissolved, that so I might win to behold the bright and glorious face of my Redeemer, and swim in His infinite fulness to all eternity. And while I was thus breathing after perfection, that word, “Here I am, send me” (Isa. vi. 8), came with such power and rebuke, that I immediately applied it to myself, and thought it was my duty to say with the prophet, “Here I am, send me,” about whatever the Lord had yet to do with me in this world; either in the way of duty, or yet in the way of suffering, it was still my duty to be at His call.
By this I endeavoured to bring my soul to a submission to live a while in this world, but oh, the crumbs were so sweet, that made me long to get up at the head of the table, where I shall eat and be satisfied, and hunger no more. When the drops were so refreshing to my soul, oh, I long to be at the fountain-head, where I may drink and be satisfied, and thirst no more! Oh, since the drops are so sweet, what must the ocean be? and since the dark views of glory, and the twinkling beams of the Sun of righteousness, be such as nature cannot bear up under, oh, what will the bright views and full fruition of His face be to all eternity?
Oh, here I cannot but wonder, praise, and adore the sovereignty of the grace of God condescending so far to me, who am one of the vilest of all the fallen race of Adam, and yet to condescend so far as to give a new display of that glorious title He hath taken to Himself, “The hearer of prayer”; for lo, here I obtained and received a return of a seven years’ request, which had in it such a reward of grace, with such sweetness and soul-satisfaction, that though I had burnt in hell all those seven years (if it had been possible), I think I am now well made up, for during all those seven years, ever since the cloud first fell on my soul, it was still my cry, “Oh, when will Christ return to my soul with the sense of His love”? for His absence made such a want in my soul, and it gave me such a wound, that nothing but His presence could make up the want, and nothing but His manifested love cure the wound.
For under such long absence, when I, a poor misbelieving wretch, had drawn the sad conclusion, that glorious Christ would never manifest to me the sense of His love this side of eternity, and when I was thinking that all my prayers concerning this matter were cast over the bar and quite forgot, but yet even the glorious Christ came to my soul, with such a bright beam of divine light and love, as made me see to read my prayers written on the return of them, and gave me such a fill of the sense of His love, that I could hold no more.
After this, for a month’s time, I had many a sweet fill of manifested love, for both in prayer and in meditation I was so far swallowed up with the views and sensible enjoyments of divine love that I cannot here mark down, for those enjoyments are better felt than can be expressed. In the time of this month, I had an opportunity to partake of the Lord’s supper, and on the fast day I heard a sermon on Matt. v. 8, “Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.” The strain of the sermon was to discover who they are that were the pure in heart, and also what sights they would get of God in time, and what they would get through eternity. In this sermon I got a sight of a mistake I had been in those seven years past, for though I found in my experience those marks of the pure in heart, and had gotten those sights of God that the pure in heart had got in this life, yet all this did not satisfy me; but so unreasonable, poor, and foolish a creature was I, although under a body of sin and death, and a body of flesh and blood, yet to seek those sights of God that were reserved for heaven and eternity, which while on earth no man can see and live.
When thus I saw that what I was seeking was not to be had till after death, I earnestly desired to die on the spot, and wished that my going away from that sermon had been to eternity. So on the preparation day I came back again, and it was a pleasant day to me, but particularly at night in prayer. And on the Sabbath morning and through the day, it was like a day of heaven to me. And at the table, my glorious Redeemer revealed Himself to my soul, and brought me near, and filled me full with the sense of His love, whereby I was made ashamed that I should have entertained such jealousies of Him and His love, after He had given me so many pledges thereof; and so I resolved, in the strength of covenanted grace, that I would never question His love any more. On the thanksgiving day I heard a sermon on Habakkuk iii. 17, 18, “Although the fig trees shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls: yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.” Oh, this was a remarkable sermon to me, from which I was sent away home rejoicing; for although the minister had made a question of every particular, and asked it at me, I could have answered it from my experience.
So this pleasant month came to an end, and this light ran in a lower channel, yet my bands continued to be loosed, and my soul was made to walk at liberty with inexpressible satisfaction in the way of duty, to the end of this year.
(To be continued.)
No labour is hard, no time is long, wherein the glory of eternity is the mark we level at.—Jerome.