Written by herself some years before her death, and now taken from her original Copy with great care and diligence.
“Come and hear, all ye that fear God, and I will declare what he hath done for my soul.”—PSALM lxxvi. 16.
“As we have heard, so have we seen in the city of the Lord of Hosts.”—PSALM xlvi. 8.
“Beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image, from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.”—2 COR. iii. 18.
(Continued from page 113.)
THERE were also many other requests that I had returned this year, namely, the conversion (as I hope) of a near relation, under the impressions of which I went more than twelve years, and if I had not seen a remarkable change on him, I could not get it believed but that he would be a castaway; but glory ever be to God, who in His day of power and converting grace made a visible change on him, to the great comfort of all concerned. This I desire to mark and remember to the glory of God while I live, who not only extended His mercy to such a sinner, but also allowed me to see it. There were also other petitions that I had returned this year that I forbear to name; so this pleasant year came to an end. On which I put this remark, and call it the year of the return of requests; and thus ended the twentieth-and-seventh year of my life, being 1712.
Reflections on the exercises recorded in the foregoing four years:—
I observe: 1. That as this cloud came on sensibly, so it was sensibly removed in some measure. 2. When the Lord returned to my soul, it was easily known by the following effects: there was a reviving of decayed grace, with a rectitude of soul, and a regulation of all its faculties, that had been much disordered by the long cloud of darkness and temptation, as recorded in the preceding years. 3. I observe the Lord’s wonderful love and pity to me, when in so melancholy a case, in making known to me that I was to be restored to former consolations in Himself. 4. I had a reflex light given me, by which I was put in case to examine myself and my carriage through the forementioned years. 5. I was convinced and humbled for my sinful miscarriages, and taught to renew my acceptance of Christ in the gospel way, and to act faith on Him for new acts of pardon. 6. The Lord made me to believe He had pardoned me, and spoke peace to my soul, by letting me see what He had done for me, and had brought me through, and delivered me from; in all which I rejoiced for a season. 7. I observe I was at a great loss for want of instruction and converse with experienced Christians; I did not know a life of faith, but still pursued a life of sense, foolishly thinking, with Peter, to dwell in the mount of manifestations. Oh the great mistake I was in! for although the Lord had graciously visited me with many earnests and pledges of His love, and thereby satisfied me as to my interest in the common salvation, yet I did not know that I should have submitted to His will, and put a blank in His hand, as to more extraordinary allowances.
- I see how a merciful and gracious God bore with my weakness, and taught by degrees, by sending in a light into my soul with power, whereby I was made to believe His word of promise, and so made to trust the same, in the midst of contradicting like providences. 9. Here I may remark, from my sad experience, that a dead and lifeless ministry is among the greatest outward judgments that any can come under. 10. I observe, where any of the Lord’s remnant is so tried, that infinite wisdom will find out a way in which they shall be both taught and fed. 11. I am persuaded that whatever the Lord calls a person to, by His Word and Spirit, they shall obey, and if they do not, dear will they pay for it: this is clear from the case of Jonah. 12. I observe, that when the soul undertakes duty, in the face of the greatest seeming contradictions, on the call and word of the Lord, and are helped to trust His faithfulness, they shall find that not one word shall fail that ever He spoke and made them to trust.
And here I may compare myself to Cornelius, who was sent to Peter that he might be taught what to do, as in Acts x. And, Firstly, Here I see how the divine perfections were displayed in bringing me to the gospel, by which I was confirmed of former experiences. Secondly, I observe I had many various cases answered and cleared. Thirdly, The gospel was to me as the daily food of my soul; I was taught by it to make use of Christ and the promises, every day, for life and salvation. Fourthly, I observe a great difference betwixt my former life and this by the gospel; the former was a life of present sense, but this by the gospel was reflection and confirmation; yet unless those former instances were in some measure allowed to accompany the gospel to me, I could not live by it. Fifthly, Here I see an emptiness in all things below Christ, and every instrument and institution to be no more but what the blessing, power, and Spirit of God makes them to be. Sixthly, I observe, that as there is an agreeableness and natural tendency in the carnal mind to be carnal, so I have found a party in my soul all along, since the morning of my day, pursuing conformity to God and communion with Him, and can never be satisfied without enjoyment in less or more degrees. Seventhly, I see this life made up of these three:—1. Wrestling and pursuing; 2. Enjoying; 3. Stripping out of those enjoyments again: which makes me long to have the wrestling life ended, that I may get away to full enjoyment and possession, never to be stript any more.
Eighthly, I observe what a base thing it is for the rational creature, endued with a reasonable soul, to wallow in the dust like the serpent, and to pursue the dunghill of this world for either its pleasures or its profits. Oh, how much more excellent a life is it to have the affections above, where Christ is, at the Father’s right hand, believing and improving what He is doing there, and so keeping a daily intercourse and trade with heaven, in the exercise of faith and other graces, by prayer and meditation; oh, this is a life becoming the reasonable soul! Ninthly, I see that every new manifestation or revelation of Christ, in His mediatory glory, brings forth new acts of faith, and puts the soul in case to hold communion with the Lord. Tenthly, I observe, that when the desires of the believing soul are kindled and blown up by the breathings of the Divine Spirit, nothing will quench or satisfy but a new sensible enjoyment of His manifested presence.
(To be continued.)