Written by herself some years before her death, and now taken from her original Copy with great care and diligence.
“Come and hear, all ye that fear God, and I will declare what he hath done for my soul.”—PSALM lxxvi. 16.
“As we have heard, so have we seen in the city of the Lord of Hosts.”—PSALM xlvi. 8.
“Beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image, from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.”—2 COR. iii. 18.
(Continued from page 241.)
AFTER this it pleased the Lord to strip me of sense by degrees. When He was thus dealing with me, I cried unto the Lord and said, “Wilt thou thus throw me down, and not take me to Thyself?” But immediately that thought was impressed on my mind, by which I was silenced, namely, that the saints while on earth are in a capacity that the saints in heaven are not; for while on earth they are allowed, through the spirit of Christ dwelling in them, to intercede for the church militant and for one another, but in heaven it is not so. But, alas! I found sense still wearing away, and He that hath the key of the House of David in His own keeping stripping me of my enjoyments, at which my spirits were pained as if they had been wrung in pieces; for as the joy of the sensible manifestations of Christ’s love are unexpressible, so the pain of being stripped out of those enjoyments are also unexpressible. Thus ended the twenty-and-eighth year of my life, being the year 1713.
The next year, through the great importunity of my parents, I was obliged to leave this place, and so returned back to them, but not to hear the minister of that place. By this time he having taken the oath of abjuration, many of the congregation had left him, as also the most part of my father’s family. This I thought would make it the easier to me, who had other reasons of my own why I could not hear him, namely, the food of my soul, which I could never find with him; but though I had clearness to leave his ministry by going to live in another place, yet I found it another thing to be living within his congregation and going to another on the Sabbath day; and however easy the leaving of him may be to some, yet it was not so to me, for I was brought to consider what I was doing, and was brought under great exercise of mind about it, and it pleased the Lord greatly to desert me as to the light of His countenance and the outlettings of His Spirit’s influences; as also I observed that there were some plagues already come on the congregation, and more seemed to be coming, and I was afraid I might be a sharer.
And so I fell a-thinking what could be the rise of this dispensation; and by what I could understand, a dead and lifeless ministry was the rise of it, or at least was a great cause of it; and when I thought on this it was cast in my mind that they who called a minister, if they were not earnest with the Lord to have a pastor according to his own heart, might have a hand in the ruin of those souls that perish through his unfaithfulness. The thoughts of this was like to sink me; for though I was not capable to give my consent to the calling of that minister, I knew my father did, for which I was afraid the Lord might have a quarrel with him and his family. This was matter of mourning and sore exercise for many days to me; but my great difficulty was how to get my parents made sensible of it; so I endeavoured by prayer and conference to make them sensible of the danger, and that faith and repentance was the only way to have the Lord’s anger turned away, and to be preserved from the plagues that are already come and these that seem to be a-coming; for there was already a great deadness that universally seized the congregation for a long time, and now division.
And while the multitude of thoughts did thus pass through my mind, I was sunk down with the power of unbelief and atheism, and there was so many contradicting-like providences, both in my own and in the church’s case, that sense and reason could not fathom. But, alas! while I was in this great confusion I had forgot that Christ and the promises were the object of faith and the centre of the soul’s rest in all cases, and not the changeable dispensations of God’s providence; and when I was sinking under this case one day, that word came with power and conviction, “He giveth not account of any of His matters” (Job xxxiii. 13); and, “Thy way is in the sea, and Thy path in the great waters, and Thy footsteps are not known” (Ps. lxxvii. 19). By this I was challenged for diving so deep into God’s providences, and not looking more to the promises and waiting for their accomplishment, which will at length unriddle all dark providences. And while I was in meditation on these things my dear, kind, and gracious Lord sent a power into my soul by which He drew me up, as it were, out of a dark pit and deep mire, as it had been to the top of an high mountain, and took away the darkness of my mind, and let me see in some measure through dark clouds of providence to the end of things.
Oh, here I got leave to stand a while and look behind me to what God had brought me through, and before me got a short sight of what He was to bring me to at the end of time; but the glory and sweetness of this light I can neither word nor write, but some broken sentences I here mark down, to keep me in mind of it, till it shall please my gracious God to put me in possession thereof.
Oh, here I saw that providence was wrapt up full of God’s secrets; yet faith did sometimes view these dark providences as making way for the accomplishment of His promises. And what a glorious sight will it be when the whole mystery of providence shall be opened up and unfolded! Oh, the high songs of praise will be sung in heaven on this display of infinite wisdom; then it will be seen He hath done all things well, and not one good thing hath failed of all His promises.
After this I wan to more submission, and endeavoured to live a life of faith, till I should see what our Lord would bring out of all those dark and contradicting-like providences, for at this time matters looked dark with the Church. For although King William had been the instrument of establishing a Protestant succession, yet our Queen and Parliament had joined in a plot to break that establishment, and to have a Popish pretender brought to be king over those lands; at which time God in His merciful providence took away the Queen by death, and discovered their plots, and outwitted them in their designs, and brought King George to the throne in peace, which brought a pleasant aspect on the face of affairs at that time, and was thought a remarkable delivery by the most part of the well-wishers to the Lord’s work.
But, alas! there was a killing stroke came along with the mercy, that instead of the Lord’s goodness leading the generation to repentance, we were slain with our mercy, and hardened in our sins, and waxed worse and worse; and although there was a fair opportunity to have matters in the Church mended, yet there were few or none that had a spirit to act for God. The consideration of all this sank me down, and took away much of the sweetness of those mercies, although I saw a plain outmaking of a part of what God had showed me the last year; and though it be a deliverance from a common calamity, yet as long as the Lord’s work is not revived, and the converting and quickening power of ordinances again returned, I am persuaded that these mercies will make us more ripe for a stroke both on Church and land. So I spent this year under dark providences that required great faith, though the Lord knows it is the life I am too much a stranger to. Thus ended the twenty-and-ninth year of my age.
The next year at the term I went back to service in Stirling, for my parents now saw that I could not live with them in that place. The first two months after I came to Stirling I was further cleared as to the foundation of my hope, and confirmed of former experiences by the gospel; yet I was greatly deserted as to sensible presence. As also I met with great difficulties in my service.
At this time the Lord’s Supper was to be administered. This, of all other ordinances, was the sweetest to me through the former part of my life: it is neither necessary nor is it possible for me to mark down what I have met with in and about communion times. In this ordinance I have by faith viewed God and sinners meeting in the man Christ, He having made peace by the blood of His cross. Through these elements of the bread and wine I have seen the law and justice of God taking satisfaction of Christ for the sins of an elect world, and therein the love of God the Father accepting of Him in the sinner’s room.
Oh, here I have been led in to view the whole plan of salvation as founded in a covenant of redemption, and displayed in a covenant of grace, and proclaimed a glorious gospel; yea, sometimes I have been allowed, as it were, to come in and view by faith the ancient records of eternity and read my name in the Lamb’s book of life, and have been taken into the banqueting-house and chamber of presence and allowed a draught of the wine of the Spirit’s consolations; and so have been sent away from the Lord’s table and communion-times rejoicing in God, as my God and portion for time and eternity, saying with the prophet, “Although my fig-tree should not blossom, nor fruit be in my vine, and though all my comforts should be cut down together, as many times they seem to be, yet I will rejoice in God through Christ, as a portion to my soul in time and through eternity;” and thus, like Hannah, I have been sent away rejoicing in God, who heard and also had returned my requests.
I cannot stay to mark the particular requests God hath returned to me, both for myself and others, sometimes for mortification of sin, deeper sights of gospel mysteries, and soul-elevating and strengthening sights of glorious Christ. And so I have been, when sitting at a communion table, taken up, as it were, to the top of Mount Pisgah, and allowed to view the promised land; yea, I may say more, for, as I think, there is a difference betwixt standing on a high place and beholding things at a distance and being brought near, as the apostle says, “Beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image.” So it has been with me: I had not only the far-off views, that I should get heaven at the end of time, but at the present time the veil has been drawn aside, and I allowed to behold, embrace, and solace myself in the contemplation of these glorious objects and mysteries wrapt up within the veil; but what these are, who can declare? All this has been in my experience at the Lord’s table and at communion times. Time will not allow me here to mark what I was wont to enjoy at every occasion of this nature, others being now masters of my time and not myself. Oh, how am I straitened here to think of parting my time betwixt God and the world. Oh, how are my spirits like to sink when I compare my present life with my former.
So, I say, when the time of this solemnity came, though I had met with so much of the Lord’s presence at former occasions, yet now I can find no desire to partake of that holy ordinance. Though it was the first occasion that offered this year, yet I sat down the whole day and looked on till the occasion was over, and durst not go to the table. At the next occasion I did the same, till a great part of the work was over, and when they were calling to fill the tables I ran out of the church and went to the tent, and there stayed till the last call came; and when it came I knew not what to do, for my case was want of sensible presence. Oh, thought I, what can I do there when my blessed Redeemer hideth His face from me? Yet there was a great desire to answer the call. So, in obedience to the command, I went back and communicated, but had no sensible satisfaction. Oh, how is this holy ordinance now become, as it were, a terror, that was wont to be my delight, and where I was wont to feel the power of my Beloved and enjoy His presence.
About this time there arose a great confusion in the land by a party that rose up both against Church and State, and designed to rob the land and Church of all their sacred and civil interests, and so overran a great part of the kingdom, and particularly the places about where my father’s family were living, for which they were obliged either to fly or join with them; but having no freedom either directly or indirectly to give any encouragement to the enemy, they were obliged to fly; yet having much of their substance they could not remove, my mother and some servants were obliged to stay.
It pleased a wise and sovereign God to lay His afflicting hand on my mother, and I found myself obliged to leave the place where I was in and go and wait upon her. Oh, this was a trying providence to me, the thoughts of going from the place of present safety to the place of present trouble and confusion, among the hands of cruel enemies. But the law of grace and nature obliged me to go. My mother’s trouble was so great that many times I feared her brains should crack; this was a sore trial to my faith. And that which made it the worst, we had no access to physicians, and neither ministers nor friends could have access to see us by reason of the confusion and the great storm that lay on the ground; and that which made our case yet worse, we were exposed more to the fury of the enemy than many of our neighbours, who obeyed them in what they required, but we had no clearness so to do, for which we were threatened every day with poinding.
At this time the Lord gave me to seek and also to believe that He would preserve us, upon which I had remarkable discoveries of His condescension.
One day a party of the rebels came to poind us of meal, peats, and blankets, our neighbours about having paid their proportions. He that had the command of the party asked my mother why she did not pay in her proportion. She told him that she had no clearness in her conscience so to do. “Then,” said he, “send a servant with it.” She answered, “I will not bid my servant do that which I would not do myself.” “Then,” said he, “your house will be poinded.” She answered him, “If you do so I cannot hinder you, but my conscience will not allow me to give it.” “Then,” said he, “my conscience will not allow me to take it;” so he went off with his party, and never returned to draw the poind. What sort of conscience it was that withheld him I know not, but this I must remark, to the praise of a prayer-hearing God, who gave me to seek and also to believe that He would preserve us.
“O Lord, not for any thing in us, but for the glory of thy name, that is called over us, which we do profess, do thou yet deliver and preserve us.”
And so at the time of the burning of the houses in the country about by the rebels I saw another display of that glorious title, “I am the hearer of prayer.” In the twenty-and-eighth year of my life, when I was under that piece of exercise about the Church and land, the Lord then made it known to me that I should behold the stroke with my eyes, but it should not come near me. So I beheld a sweet performance of the promise when I saw the houses and barnyards of our neighbours all in a flame, and yet our house preserved.
Thus I was preserved from the power of the sword and from the flames of fire, as also from that which was my greatest terror of all evils in a common calamity, namely, my body’s being abused by the lusts of wicked men; from this I have been still safe preserved. Oh that my tongue were loosed and my heart enlarged to proclaim the praises of my God, who hath been always a present help in time of need to me.
At this time the Lord appeared and wrought remarkable deliverance both for Church and land, for the rebels were made to fly before the king’s army; even then when, as to human appearance, had the rebels got their designs accomplished, the Protestant interest in these lands had been ruined and Popery set up. As the Lord gave me warning of this terrible stroke before it came, so hath He made mine eyes to behold the deliverance according to His promise; so I cannot but look back to that time formerly recorded wherein the Lord drew out my soul to plead for the Church and land, and I was enabled so to wrestle for the poor Church of Scotland as not to quit my hold, though I should have died on the spot.
(To be continued.)