Containing a further account of the progress of the Lord’s work of grace, through various dark-like providences, and by ordinances, particularly by the good times I had at sacramental occasions, where I met with renewed discoveries of the glory of Christ and the manifestations of His love to my soul, from the thirtieth to the thirtieth-and-sixth year of my life.
In the beginning of the next year our family got leave to gather again, for all the time of the confusion it was scattered. It pleased the Lord to take away the strength of my mother’s hand that obliged me to stay with them. This was a sore trial to me, because I could not profit by the minister of the place for reasons formerly marked.
The first three months of this year was a time of sore affliction on this family, that took up my whole time to wait on them, in which time the Lord was very kind to me, both in upholding my body under so great toil, and supporting my spirits sometimes with refreshing supplies of grace, and at other times by His sweet visits to my parents, when in sore affliction, with blinks of His reconciled face, and their tongues were loosed to the wonder of beholders. After this it pleased the Lord to recover them.
At this time I had many silent Sabbaths, but glory to God that hath not confined all to public ordinances, nor given all to under-stewards to distribute, but hath kept the store in His own hands, who hath the keys of the house of David, and knows how to give the children their meat in due season; and had I not gotten my meat from Him I had starved long ere now.
After this, for three months of the summer, I had more access to ordinances, by which I was sometimes refreshed, and the celebration of the Lord’s Supper was more pleasant to me than it was through the last year; but my best sanctuary is my father’s sheep-house and my Bible and the Lord’s presence with me there. As to my way of living this year, I know not what to think of it, for at present, as to my feeling, I am deprived both of living by the gospel, as I had done some years ago, and also of living by sensible manifestations, which I enjoyed in my first years. Oh, now my Beloved pays me few visits, and stays so short time with me, that I can hardly believe it hath been He; neither do I find these sweet fruits and effects as I have found in His former visits.
All I can attain to now is to view the foundation God hath laid in Zion for the salvation of perishing sinners, which is Christ Jesus, and the remembrance of the experiences of that promised day of power that made my soul to go into and close with the whole of that salvation, and so to lay the stress of my all in time and eternity on this Corner-stone, and in view of this I go to God and plead those promises of grace made in Christ to the believing soul; and this is all the sense and comfort I can attain to now.
And when my soul is drawn out in the view of these things, and I allowed to apply Christ in the promises to answer all my various cases, all this supports me; but when I considered my being brought up in a land of light; yet it hath been so ordered, in His divine providence, that I had less opportunities of receiving edification and comfort in converse with ministers than others of the Lord’s people. Oh, how many melancholy and exercising day and night have I had in the thoughts of being left and cast out of the care of the great Shepherd, as one for whose soul no man careth. But how am I confronted when I think on that part of glorious Christ’s commission, “Behold, I have given Him for a witness to the people, a leader and commander to the people.”—(Isa. lv. 4.) In Him I desire to trust and rejoice, as my leader, through all my dark and wilderness lot, and as my watchman and chief shepherd, who hath engaged to bring all that the Father hath given him safe to Immanuel’s land.
Oh, how sweet also are those promises of light in darkness, and life in deadness, and strength in weakness; and when I am enlightened by a blink of divine light I see all I need in Christ and the promises as in Him. I think that this is in less or more degree that life that is called the life of faith.
I dare not deny, then, that this hath been my life the year bygone, and though it was allowed me, yet I must mark down a lamentation when I compare my present life with my former. “Ah, now,” I thought, “I was living on crumbs, when formerly I got full meals. Ah! now, I got but drops, when formerly I was allowed full draughts out of that fulness that is stored up in Christ till I could hold no more. Ah! now I got but far-off views, when formerly I was allowed to come to the threshold, as it were, and see the veil, as I thought, drawn aside, and I allowed to view the palace and the inhabitants as if they had been friends and acquaintances to me. Ah! now I must walk by starlight, when compared to that light of sensible presence I was wont to enjoy. Ah! now I must live in the open field of temptation, in the midst of my enemies, at the command and bare word of my General, when formerly He put on my armour Himself, and allowed me to walk in sight of His standard near by Himself, where my enemies durst not come so near nor be so bold as now they are. Ah! if I could shed tears of blood from my very heart, when I think on the days I went to God in and through Christ, as a beggar to a nobleman’s door, to ask my alms, and instead of the steward the nobleman comes himself; and so the Lord dealt with me—He not only gave me my alms, but He took me in and led me through the palace, and allowed me to solace myself in
His house of wine, and filled me full of royal dainties, and told me that I should dwell there for ever, but I behoved to travel through the wilderness for a time, and so sent me away, promising to bear my charges. But ah! my wilderness journey seems to be very long, although I dare not deny but He bears my charges; yet alas! the contrary winds of cross-like providences, and the sharp showers of temptations from a body of death within, a tempting devil and an ensnaring world without, makes my journey difficult and my soul impatient in longings for the day when it shall please my gracious God to bring me to the end of it, and land me in that longed-for and promised rest with Himself.” Thus the one-and-thirtieth year of my wilderness life ended.
The next year began with the same way of living that the former ended, viz., by faith in Christ and the promises, and sight of my interest in them, in which I had a sort of peace and pleasure. If this be that life of faith that the cloud of witnesses went to heaven by, and which is so much commended in the Scriptures; oh! if I knew this, were it I was allowed to live the last year, I would endeavour to the utmost of my power to prize and pursue it; but when I compare the present life with my former, ah! I think it still not so sweet; for the present life though rich in hope, yet it is poor in hand. Thus I spent the first three months of this year.
After this I had an opportunity of partaking of the Lord’s Supper. The Saturday’s sermons were sweet and refreshing, but I felt no present power; but on the Sabbath morning in the action sermon there were frequent offers of Christ, and I felt a present power on my soul, with a sweet light that determined me to go into and embrace those offers the minister made of Christ; and in time of communicating I felt a power drawing out faith to act on the foundation of life as held forth in the gospel, and the out-goings of the soul were to embrace and make use of Christ as represented in and by the elements of bread and wine, to answer all my various cases; and also I came away from that place with my hands loosed. But alas! this is like a crumb to a hunger-bitten stomach; instead of satisfying, it raises the pain of pinching hunger after more food.
“Oh, my soul, never rest satisfied with crumbs, when there is bread enough in my Father’s house and to spare. Oh, my soul, never rest satisfied with far-off views of Immanuel’s land, and thy hopes of landing there at the end of time, when the fulness of the Godhead is stored up in Christ, thy covenanted and living Head, and hath set open a door of access to thee to make use of the same. Also the Scripture records bear that the saints in all generations have got out of this fulness in their journey to Immanuel’s land. Oh, my soul, let thy own former experiences of the former out-lettings of this store stir thee up to an unwearied pursuit after more and more of this fulness, for I am persuaded the fountain is as full this day as when it was first opened to Adam and his posterity; as also it cannot now nor never will be drained. I also believe and am persuaded that it
is not from unwillingness in my blessed Redeemer to impart this fulness to thee, but it is for want of a ready hand to receive and a capacity to hold more of this fulness, that thou, oh my soul, gets so little of it. Oh, when shall that day come, when the old clay bottle of mortality shall be broken in pieces, and the new bottle of immortality be put in eternal fitness and capacity to hold a large share of this fulness, or rather to swim in it to all eternity?”
After this I fell under a new trial from ministers and Christian friends, who set upon me to hear the minister formerly mentioned that I had parted from, and they entreated me to go and hear some time, and so far submit to his ministry as to receive tokens or a line from him that I might partake of the Lord’s Supper in other congregations. This I was persuaded to by very weighty arguments; one was that a change was observed about him both as to the strain of his doctrine and pains on his congregation. Upon consideration of this, I set about examination of my former exercises anent this matter, and went to prayer for light and conduct in this my greatest difficulty. And afterwards I went for several days together and heard him preach, and according to my light of general truths he was more reformed than formerly; but as to the mystery of the Gospel, conform to my soul’s experience, he was the same to me.
At the same time it fell out in providence that the Lord’s Supper was to be celebrated in the neighbouring congregation where I for ordinary heard, and I had a desire to partake there, which I feared would not be allowed if I got not a line from him, and my great strait was to receive a token from him as my minister. So for several weeks it was my earnest desire that my gracious prayer-hearing God would give me light; but instead of light to join with him as my minister, it was cleared up to me that if I could not partake of the Lord’s Supper but by receiving a token from him as my minister, I would not partake while I lived, for all along my life I could never get it believed that he was a minister of Christ sent to me, and I could never get light to join him as such, for I could never say he preached Christ to my soul and the way of life by Christ according to my light; and for all the change that was thought to be about him, yet he was still the same to me. So I went on in preparation for the communion, hoping and rejoicing in this, that though God had given the keys of the outer court to the under-stewards and servants, yet Christ Himself is the Store-house and Fountain, “in which all the fulness of the Godhead dwells bodily,” and hath not given all to be distributed by the under-stewards.
On the Saturday the sermons were clear and refreshing. On the Sabbath it pleased my gracious God in Christ to lift upon me the light of His countenance, which filled my soul with light and present power, which set all the faculties thereof in an orderly acting and grace in a sensible exercise. Thus I continued all the time of the action-sermon and serving of the tables, and although it pleased my gracious and kind Lord to entertain me thus, yet I desired to partake of the outward seals of my Lord’s love, but
wanting a token of admission I could not. But near the end of the action I saw a minister with whom I was acquainted, and he gave me a token, and I went forward to the table. In time of communicating my soul was drawn up to behold by faith the unfathomable mystery of redeeming love, and when the action was over I went to a secret place by myself, and was entertained with sensible communion with God all the time; so I returned to hear the afternoon’s sermon, but my soul was so transported and filled with such a sense of the love of Christ and with faith’s views of His glory, inasmuch that I was scarce able to listen to what I heard. Oh, I thought I could have invited all the multitude present to have joined me in praising the Lord for this glorious manifestation of the mystery of His manifold wisdom, love, and grace made known to me as a further confirmation of my faith in these invisible realities. So this sweet day came to an end, which I desire to remember as one of the days of heaven when compared with the rest of the days of my weary wilderness life. Oh, what impatient longings do I still endure from day to day till my pilgrimage life be ended.
So I came from this communion, having received a new pledge of my Lord’s love, with my bands loosed and my soul rejoicing in God as my portion in time and for eternity, as also laying my account to meet with a new storm. After this I lived about the space of two months with pleasure and soul-refreshing.
About the end of this year there fell out a trying providence to our family. The ground we lived in belonged to one of the rebel lairds, and because that in the time of the rebellion we would not join with him in that wicked course, nor yet pay him his rent, it came to pass that after he got the benefit of the act of indemnity my father offered to him his rents, but he refused, and went to the height of extremity with us, and that both against law and reason, and threatened to cast us out of house and shelter, which would have reduced us to such straits as would have rendered us a burden to others for our bread, for my parents at this time were come to so great age and infirmities that they could do little or nothing for themselves.
(To be continued.)