Written by herself some years before her death, and now taken from her original Copy with great care and diligence.
“Come and hear, all ye that fear God, and I will declare what he hath done for my soul.”—PSALM lxxvi. 16.
“As we have heard, so have we seen in the city of the Lord of Hosts.”—PSALM xlvi. 8.
“Beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image, from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.”—2 COR. iii. 18.
(Continued from page 58.)
MY mother continued in sore trouble for the time of five months, which was very trying to me; yet it pleased the Lord to recover her a little, and so I took a room near the kirk with a design that she might win to it. At this time my school did increase, which proved very trying to me on two accounts. One was, my spirits were sore broken with continued exercise of mind; another was, the consideration of the weightiness of the charge, and how to discharge my duty conscientiously in the sight of God and man, and so to manage that charge and business more in serving my generation to the glory of God than to gain my bread thereby.
“With this I plied the throne of grace with all the earnestness I could for wisdom and strength, both of body and mind, so to carry as I might neither give offence to the gracious nor to the graceless; so ever since I have been pitied as to strength both of body and mind to a wonder. And here I desire to observe a renewed display of His being a prayer-hearing and prayer-answering God, and a renewed occasion given for setting up my Ebenezer to His praise that hitherto hath helped.”
Yet my soul’s case continued dark and confused, for although my late temptation by atheistical suggestions were much restrained, yet I found a great restraint of the Spirit’s influences, and so I fell under a cloud of melancholy and spiritless stupidity, so as nothing was refreshing or pleasing to me; and though the Lord had mercifully smiled on the season of the year and caused the earth to bring forth in plenty, and when I saw others rejoicing in those common mercies (under the want of which some had smarted the last year), yet such was the case of my soul, under the sense of the want of spiritual mercies, that I could not rejoice in His goodness as to temporal things; and so my case continued much the same through this year, being the thirty-and-ninth year of my weary wilderness life.
But ah! the change of the next year brought no change in my case, but still continued worse and worse; for my natural enmity did so prevail that spirituality and spiritual duties, that formerly were my delight, became now a terror to me—the felt darkness and prevailing power of a body of death did so rack and pain my soul and spirits, together with the want of those sensible incomes of light, life, and strength, from the glorious Head and Captain of Salvation, that I was wont to enjoy—this, I say, so embittered my life as that I can neither word nor write that sad case I was in. And also the case of the generation added to my distress, for though God had mercifully prevented our fears of famine by giving us plenty of bread, and was yet continuing the means of grace, yet the bulk of the generation, and even many of the gracious, seemed to satisfy themselves too easily—at least they had few complaints. The consideration of this and my own case struck me with silence and astonishment, so as I could tell my case to few or none.
When I was thus thinking on my own and the generation’s case that awful Scripture was brought to my mind, as in Mal. ii. 2, “I have cursed your blessings; yea, I have cursed them already, because you do not lay it to heart.” Upon this I began to consider, and saw how much common mercies were abused unto gluttony and drunkenness, but more especially how spiritual mercies—namely, Christ and the free offers of His grace in the Gospel, were so much despised and not embraced by the generality; and many heavy, spiritual plagues daily inflicted, yet not seen nor lamented. The Spirit of the Lord is in a great measure departed, so that not only His saving and gracious operations, such as converting, enlightening, and quickening influences, are now in a great measure withheld from His people, but also the common operations that were wont to accompany the preaching of the Gospel are withheld from the indifferent hearers.
The consideration of all this, and many other things I forbear to name, filled me with melancholy impressions that this awful threatening was already inflicted on us. And that which was an aggravation of my trouble was when I did consider that for twelve years bygone I had been allowed to follow the Lord in His providences, either as to judgment or mercy, with some measure of concern; and sometimes when I could not have cried for myself, I would have got freedom to plead and cry for the Church and land; but now, alas! my soul is bound as in fetters. Ah, here I stand and here I sink, saying with the Psalmist, “I looked on my right hand and on my left, but can find no help, or any to whom I can tell my case as it is.”
At this time the communion was to be given in this place, viz., Stirling; but, alas! those tidings did not much refresh me, for unless the Lord would come with exceeding greatness of power and mend my case, no means could do it. I attended all the preparation Sabbaths before the communion. Our ministers were well furnished with suitable matter for our preparation; but instead of my case growing better, my natural enmity did more appear, together with an unstayedness of mind, and I remained so stripped of the exercise so as every special duty became wearisome to me.
When the fast-day came, in the morning I could neither pray nor meditate, but was extremely racked, and as one demented in my mind; yet before I went to the public that word was brought to my mind, “I have loved thee with an everlasting love, therefore with loving kindness have I drawn thee” (Jer. xxxi. 3). As also that word in Isa. liv. 6, “For the Lord hath called thee as a woman forsaken, and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God.” These blessed words brought a calm on my spirit, and I got some thoughts and meditations on them; for I saw in them both my own case and the Church’s case, together with promised relief. Oh, what a wonder of grace and mercy is to be seen here, that the Lord should thus graciously condescend to call His Church and people by the name and relation of a wife of youth!
(To be continued.)