NINTH PERIOD.
(Continued from p. 259.)
Upon this I reflected on what my parents had told me concerning that remarkable appearance of God for this Church at the revolution, and so I fell a-thinking on what I had seen in my own day, namely, about the death of Queen Anne and at the rebellion, and how He hath since continued our outward peace and liberty, with a Gospel dispensation yet preserved amongst us, so that we have been loaded both with mercies special and common. “But oh, what sinful steps of backsliding hath abounded amongst all ranks of persons, both in principle and practice! Oh, for a spirit of deep concern for His public glory, so much injured at this day; and oh, for the spirit of grace and supplication, so as to be stirred up to take hold of the departing glory, and wrestling for the return of His wonted power and presence to this Church and land.”
The meanness of my station and circumstances, every way considered, makes me dumb in many cases before others, but, blessed be the Lord, it does not make me blind, for as I am a member of the Church of Scotland, I desire to own the doctrine, worship, discipline, and government thereof, as being contained in the Holy Scriptures, and so to see and be affected under a sense of the sinful steps of backsliding and defection from these, both by office-bearers and members of this Church, desiring to lay these things before the Lord as matter of bitter lamentation and mourning, lest I be partaker of other men’s sins, who have so many of my own.
One morning, as I went out to the fields, I sat down by a barley-ridge, and then I observed some ears with many pickles, and others with very few, and some were blasted. By this I had a lively representation of the strong Christian, the weak Christian, and the hypocrite, that was matter of after-meditation to me. These three months bygone I found a great alteration as to my health, and great inconsistence between my health and my employment. Oh, that the Lord may give me conduct how to carry.
I was two Sabbaths confined from public ordinances by reason of indisposition of body, but, glory to God, I found a way of access through Christ the true tabernacle, and so enjoyed some blinks and sweet communion with the God of ordinances. I had three days of the sweet breathings of the Spirit, and blinks of divine light on my soul. Oh, the strange sights of faith, with inexpressible sweetness I had in meditations on the glorious Redeemer in His mediatory excellencies. My soul was made as a lamp of light, in which I viewed my Redeemer from the manner in which He was laid, to the cursed tree to which He was nailed, and from that to the Father’s right hand, and also His work of intercession there for His elect seed. Oh, here in this view, with a weeping Mary, my soul as it were grasped about Him by faith and love, and kissed His pierced feet, and there I poured out my complaints and unfolded all my desires before Him. Oh, the glory I saw in His pierced side, His wounded head, and spit-on face, and in all His offices, namely, that of a King and a Judge, and that He is exalted above all created powers of men and angels. Oh, though I had the tongue of an angel and a pen of iron, I can neither word nor write the glory and sweetness of these sights, but eternity will unfold them.
There was a fast appointed by the Synod; the day before the fast, I was so stripped that I could neither pray about it, nor win to any concern either for my own or the generation’s sins. Oh, matter of humiliation indeed! Though I was reasonably convinced of the duty, yet I feared a judicial hardening, and that that threatening would be inflicted on us that we should neither mourn nor weep, but pine away for our iniquities, according to Ezek. xxiv. 23.
But, oh, how sovereignly did the Lord pity me! I was awakened before three of the morning of the fast-day with that word, as in Dan. ix. 3, “And I set my face unto the Lord God, to seek by prayer, and supplications, with fasting,” etc. So I arose and was allowed three hours without interruption in confession and supplications, both as to my own and the generation’s case, till my spirits were almost wasted; but that was brought ground of that hope, that gave me a great dash. So I went through the day in much heaviness, yet was allowed some measure of concern. I heard a sermon on that word, “Son of man, cause Jerusalem to know her abominations” (Ezek. xvi. 2), where there was abundance of matter suitably laid before us, as the day called for; but, alas, my case stands dark and uncleared with respect to reformation.
On Sabbath morning I awakened with my mind carnal. I arose and went to prayer, from prayer to reading and meditation, and yet could find no outgate, from which I made the following remarks:—1. An ill-kept heart through the week, and indulging the mind in going too much out on carnal and worldly things, though in themselves lawful, lays a foundation for an uncomfortable Sabbath. 2. I remark, that duties of themselves, though they cannot do, yet the Lord will have the soul rebuked for its carelessness in them. 3. I find that no duty or means whatsoever can set the heart right when out of order, or stay the mind in duty, without new strokes of renewing and sanctifying grace, and renewed acts of faith on the death of Christ to mortify and kill sin. 4. I see I must fight every piece of my Christian journey, and still the nearer to the end I find my conflicts the sharper. This makes me many times cry out, “Oh, when shall this long warfare come to an end? Oh, to be away from sin! But had not the Captain of Salvation said, ‘Sin shall not have dominion over you, for ye are not under the law, but under grace, I would soon be overcome.'” Thus far for what passed in the forty-and-sixth year of my life.