II.
(Continued from page 343.)
WHEN I heard that the sacrament was to be dispensed a second time at Cambuslang, I was glad and sought to make some preparation for it. Yet this went but wearily on. There was sermon Friday evening, and before going to church I went alone into the fields, and engaged in the duty of prayer, and personal covenanting with God, and I renewed my former pleading for some manifestation of divine grace and favour. On Saturday, I was much affected hearing especially Mr. Whitefield preaching from that text ‘If I wash thee not, thou hast no part with me’ (John xiii. 8). That night, after taking some refreshment in my lodging at Cambuslang, I went out to the fields to be alone in prayer. I then plead with God to give me a more affecting sense of my sins, as dishonouring to Him and as the procuring cause of Christ’s sufferings: the Lord was pleased to give me the desire of my heart and more than I could have expected. I then and there got a humbling sight of the exceeding sinfulness of sin and I was made to see my own sins, especially those of unbelief, as the very nails and the spear which pierced Christ’s hands, feet and side; and I was made spiritually and by faith, yet in a very lively manner, to see through the wound in His side, a heart full of love and that love expressed in the bitterness of his sufferings for me. I saw that after all the evil I had done He was willing to forgive and that He had already forgiven me all my sins and that now though my iniquities were to be sought for they would not be found. Many passages of the 53rd chapter of Isaiah were now brought to my mind with greater power than any thing I had ever met with, particularly these: “He was wounded for our transgressions: He was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon Him and with His stripes we are healed.—He shall see of the travail of His soul and shall be satisfied.” These sayings were brought home to my heart with a particular application to myself.
I was really persuaded that Christ had after this manner been wounded and bruised for me—that He had purchased for me eternal life and would see in me of the travail of His soul. When these discoveries were made to me, my very soul rose against sin and my heart was melted because of God’s pardoning love. It seemed as if Christ was now speaking to me in the language of the song saying: ‘Open to me my sister, my love, my dove, my undefiled: for my head is filled with dew and my locks with the drops of the night.’ And I was at the same time made to grieve that I had kept Him so long knocking at the door of my heart: that I had not more freely and readily opened to Him. But now He was Himself pleased to open, enabling me to close with him in all His offices and to devote myself wholly and unreservedly to Him, now and forever. This was followed by the entrance of a beam of heavenly light—I know not how else to describe it—shining upon my soul, affording me the most ravishing discoveries of the glory and excellency of Christ in His person as God, more in His offices as our Redeemer and in His perfect suitableness to all my wants and desires! Yea so as to make me greatly long to be with Him. This was followed by the saying of Job sweetly darting into my mind, as the fitting expression of what I now felt: ‘I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear: but now mine eye seeth thee: wherefore, I abhor myself and repent in dust and ashes’ (Job xlii. 5, 6). And with this I got the most humbling and self-abasing sense of my own vileness through sin. I was made truly to loath and abhor myself in dust and ashes and to wonder that He should ever have thought of setting His love on a creature so vile and polluted. And, therefore, all my confidence was now in His free sovereign grace.
While this manifestation of God lasted, I scarcely knew where I was, or how I was, so much was I lifted up with those glorious and ravishing discoveries. But after some time I began again to reflect on my former treachery and deceitfulness of heart, leading me to break vows and resolutions, which I had before made, and, therefore, I besought God, that if it were consistent with His own purposes, and glory, He would take me to
Himself; but if that His will were otherwise He would undertake for me and keep my feet from falling. I was led also to forecast and to lay my account with coming trials and yet such was the courage with which the Lord had inspired me, that I would have been content, if every hair of my head had been a life to have laid them all down for Christ. This was my feeling of willingness at the time, yet I was afraid that I might faint when the hour came. I was, therefore, engaged pleading for grace and strength and these promises came home to me with great sweetness and power: ‘When thou passest through the waters, I shall be with thee: and through the rivers they shall not overflow thee! When thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee’—’For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord, that hath mercy on thee’ (Isaiah xliii. 2 and liv. 10).
Next day the Lord was pleased to grant me communion with Himself during the serving of the tables and in secret prayer. And also on Monday, and much of this gracious frame remained with me for weeks after that solemn occasion. And often since I have had much nearness to God in duty.
And now to conclude:—As to the habitual temper of my mind, I find a principle within me opposing and striving against indwelling corruption and sin of all kinds. And on falling into sin, there is nothing in it so bitter to me, as that it is against so much love and a God so loving. I look upon all things as enemies, that would separate between me and Christ, or mar and interrupt the communication of His love towards me. His ordinances are very dear to me, yet I am restless and unsatisfied in waiting on them, unless I find Christ’s presence in them. I often long to be with Him in heaven and yet I am satisfied to wait His will on earth. The advancement of Christ’s kingdom is, among earthly things, my chief desire. ‘If I forget thee O Jerusalem, let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth.’ Come, O come, Lord Jesus! come quickly in the manifestation of thy glory and the advancement of thy kingdom! Amen.”