From The Memoirs of REV. THOMAS BOSTON.
ABOUT this time began a second alteration in my strain of preaching, which, by degrees, though with much difficulty in the way thereof, ripened into a more clear uptaking of the doctrine of the Gospel, which, by the mercy of God, I arrived at after my settlement at Simprin. Having been at Barhill on the 11th, I heard at Culross a week-day sermon on the excellency of Christ, from Phil. iii. 8, by Mr. Mair, and thereafter was entertained by him with edifying discourse suitable thereto. Upon the back of this, I sometimes thought that I had preached but too little of Christ, which I would have been content to have reformed. On the 18th, I went to God, and begged an answer to some suits I had had long depending before the Throne of Grace, which were especially two. The one was, that I might see Christ by a spiritual illumination, with more fulness of the evidence requisite to believing on Him, according to that word, “That every one which seeth the Son, and believeth on Him” (John vi. 40); to a particular notice of which passage I had some time or other been led by Mr. Mair’s means also. The other was that I might be helped to live by faith above the world.
On the morrow after, as I arose, I thought on these words, Psalm cv. 13-15, and the view of the Lord’s concern about His people in all their removes was sweet. After which, on going to prayer the Lord was with me in it. My soul went out in love to Christ, followed hard after Him, and I saw much content, delight, and sweet in Him. The issue hereof was, that I found myself somewhat helped to believe, the which, though it carried me not so far above the world as I would fain have been, yet it rendered the world in some sort contemptible in mine eyes, and I found my heart desirous to preach Christ’s fulness, His being “All and in all.”
This issued in my being determined, on the 21st, to that text, Matt. xiii. 45-46, unto which I addressed myself, after bemoaning before the Lord my ignorance of Christ, and begging the revealing of Him to me, being convinced I was but a child in the matter, yet seeing it my duty to preach Him. Having entered upon it, I saw it a very full text; but going on in it, I found myself dry and barren upon it, which left me much dejected, seeing I could not preach Christ, and beholding much of my ignorance of Him. On the morrow I got more light, ease, and insight into the excellency of Christ from the Lord; and reading in my ordinary thereafter, I fell on Col. iv. 3-4, which afforded me this instruction: That whereas I had been discouraged, for that I could not preach Christ, I saw it indeed a mystery, and such an one as the great apostle found a need of the prayers of the saints, that he might be enabled to preach it. I saw the preaching of Christ to be the most difficult thing; for that though the whole world is full of wonders, yet here are depths beyond all.
I was to preach at Clackmannan, where most were for me to be their minister, and some that had the greatest power were against me, as it ordinarily fared with me in the places where I used to preach. On the Saturday afternoon there comes a letter to my hand, desiring me to give one half of the day to one Mr. J. G., whom those that were against me had an eye upon. The letter I received contentedly, granted the desire of it, and blessed the Lord for it. In these circumstances, seeing what hazard I was in of an evil eye, I committed my heart to the Lord, that I might be helped to carry evenly. I cried to the Lord for it, and got that word, “My grace shall be sufficient for thee.” Sabbath morning I found in myself a great desire to love Christ, and to be concerned solely for His glory, and prayed to that effect, not without some success. He got the forenoon, for so it was desired by them. I was helped to join in prayer, was much edified both by his lecture and sermon, and I sung with a sweet frame after sermon; yet in the time I was thrice assaulted with the temptation I feared; but looking up to the Lord, got it repulsed in some measure, and found my soul desirous that the people should get good, soul good, of what was very seriously, pathetically, and judiciously said to us by the godly young man. Betwixt sermons I got a sight of my own emptiness, and preached in the afternoon with very much help from the Lord. Yet, for all that, I wanted not some levity of spirit, which poison my heart sucked out of that sweet flower.
When I came home, my heart was in a measure enraged against my heart on this account, and I confessed it before the Lord, abhorring myself, appealing to God’s omniscience that I would fain have had it otherwise, and would have been heartily content to have sold my own credit in the matter for the glory of Christ. As I was complaining that Satan had winnowed me, and brought forth much filthy stuff out of my heart, notwithstanding all my prayers, etc., it came into my mind how Christ said to Peter: “Simon, Simon, Satan hath desired to have thee, that he may sift thee as wheat; but I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not”; and yet Peter denied Him, even with oaths, on a very silly temptation. This was comfortable. There were four things suggested to me in the morning as antidotes against the temptation, whereof this was one: that I was conscious to myself of my being unwilling to engage with such a post, in regard to my unfitness for it, though they were all willing.
In the evening, while I sat musing on what I had been preaching, viz., that the soul that has got a true discovery of Christ will be satisfied with Him alone, I proposed the question to myself: Art thou content with Christ alone? Wouldst thou be satisfied with Christ as thy portion, though there were no hell to be saved from? And my soul answered, Yes. I asked myself further: Supposing that, wouldst thou be content with Him, though likewise thou shouldst lose credit and reputation, and meet with trouble for His sake? My soul answered, Yes. Such is my hatred of sin, and my love to Christ. This was the last sermon I preached in that place, for I was going out of that country, and neither of us two was the person God designed for that place.
It now lay heavy on my spirit at several times that I was cast out of a corner, in which the Lord was pleased to make use of me, and own me with some success in His work, into another corner where I had nothing to do. This occasioned a variety of perplexing thoughts. I inquired what might be the Lord’s end in it, and nothing doubted but that I was called to leave that place, from whence I came. May 25th, in prayer it was suggested to me that God had so dealt with me for my former levity, and mis-improving His help given be in preaching, for which I endeavoured to be humble. On the 26th, I had engaged to lecture next Sabbath for Mr. Colden. Finding my heart disposed for prayer, light from the Lord in two or three particulars was much in my eye. In prayer I had a frame from the Lord, serious, earnest, depending, bare, and laid open to hearken to the counsel of God. Before I came to pray for what I should lecture on, my heart was raised to an admiration of, and love to Christ, and desire to commend Him; and it was laid before me as my duty to lecture on Psalm xlv, and this with life and elevation of my spirit, which continued with me when I prayed for the lecture. Thinking on this after prayer, I began to suspect that light, because it came before I had prayed for it, expressly at least. But considering that I went to God for light in it, and considering that passage, Isaiah lxv. 24, and finding my inclination to commend Christ to remain, I was satisfied.
There was a second point in my eye, which still remained dark, and therefore I went back purposely to God for it. I found my heart in prayer much going out in love to Christ; my heart was knit to Him as the dearly Beloved of my soul, which made me to express my love to Christ, not in an ordinary way, as I used to do. I was helped to depend, and got strength to my heart to wait for light in it. And the nature of it was such, that it might bear a delay. As for the third point, it was not ripe, and I could but table it before the Lord. The Lord was not wanting to me in the delivery of that lecture.
The bent of my heart to preach Christ continued all along from the time above mentioned, as I had opportunity; but for a considerable time I met with many rules in my way. On June 2nd, after prayer for a text, and help to study, I could fix on none, though I sought it till my body was weary and my spirit much dejected. Next morning my darkness remained, and nothing could gain clearness to me. Thus my heart being dejected through desertion, I went to prayer again; but my very heart and flesh were like to faint. Such was the grief of my heart, that I could not speak a word to God after I had begun, but groaned to the Lord; I got words again, but was interrupted the same way, not being able to speak. I saw the mis-improvement of former help still to be the cause of the Lord’s pleading with me; but having so often confessed it, being grieved for it, etc., I thought there behoved to be something else, and some other thing I suspected, but could not fix on it. I thought I was most unworthy to be a preacher, and that it would be well done to silence me, as ignorant of the mystery of Christ; for, from the beginning of this exercise, it was always in my heart to preach Christ, and denying of ourselves to all things but Christ; and though it succeeded ill with me, I durst not change my purpose. My soul being somewhat encouraged by that word, “Come unto me, all ye that labour,” etc., I was helped to believe in some measure, and conversed with God in prayer, and that word was brought to my mind for a text: “Whom have I in heaven but thee?” etc. (Psalm lxxiii. 25). I had much difficulty in my studies on it. The word read in the ordinary at evening exercise came pat to my case with a check: “My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord” (Heb. xii. 5).
My dejected frame of spirit often recurred, and was with me on the Lord’s Day morning, June 4th, at which time, in prayer, the Lord put in His hand at the door of the lock, and my bowels moved for Him; my heart was touched, and in a mournful mood I cried to Him. Some time after I found I could not believe; and how shall I preach thought I? Yet I thought I would venture and lean on Christ; and this I thought was faith, notwithstanding my former denial. In the forenoon I thought my heart was very unwieldy. In the afternoon I had several ups and downs in the very time of the work. My soul bore me witness that I was not satisfied with ordinances without Christ; and after all was over, in my retirement, I was clear in that, though I many times fear I have never yet got a sufficient discovery of Christ, yet whatever discovery I have had of Him, I was satisfied to take Christ alone, and that I could not be satisfied without Him, though I had the whole world, yea, Heaven itself. The Lord gave me such a sight of my own vileness that when I looked to myself in that pulpit, I loathed myself as unworthy to have been there with a whole heart, and without right up takings of Christ. I examined myself on my desire of Christ, saying, What if it be merely from an enlightened conscience? But my soul said it would desire Him, though there were no fear of wrath, and though (which is not possible) I had a dispensation for my most beloved lusts, I would not desire to make use of it. I thought I loved Him for Himself.
Thus it pleased the Lord to humble me to the dust, and to empty me of myself, with respect to the great mystery of Christ, and to give my heart a particular set and cast towards it, which hath continued with me to this day, and shall, I hope, to the end, that I get within the vail.