THE following narrative of Christian experience is taken from a book written by J. A. Alexander, D.D., of Princeton, called Thoughts on Christian Experience, and he makes use of it to illustrate the difficulty of discerning in many cases where common grace ends and saving grace begins. In the experience of many true Christians this question is a real difficulty. But however important the point of distinction may be, and however important it may be to determine it, of far greater importance is the fact that there is evidence of a thoroughly scriptural kind which leads us to conclude that the person having this experience has indeed passed from death to life and is a truly regenerated person. The original writer is not known except by the initials R. C. We are sure that this account will be helpful to some who may have passed through more or less similar experiences, or may be in process of doing so.
“I grew up,” says the narrator, “to manhood with very little thought of religion, and without experiencing any serious impressions, except the alarm occasionally produced by the death of a companion or relative. Whilst I habitually cherished a great dislike to strict religion, which frowned upon a life of pleasure and amusement, I entertained a strong prejudice in favour of Christianity in general, and that particular denomination to which my parents and ancestors belonged. I call this a prejudice, for I knew nothing of the evidences of the truth of Christianity, and had only a very vague and confused notion of what the Scriptures contained; except that, when a child, I had read, frequently, many portions of the historical part of the Bible.
“In this state of mind I was exposed to the common objections of infidels, which arose from reading history, and finding that all nations had their respective religions, in which they believed as firmly as we did in ours, and the thought occurred often: ‘Why may they not be in the right and we in the wrong?’ But, about this time, infidelity began to prevail, and its abettors to be bold in declaring their opinions. My mind was so completely unfurnished with arguments in favour of Christianity that the only thing on which I could fix was, that it had
come down from my ancestors, and the people with whom I was conversant generally believed in it. But this was far from satisfying my mind. I began to feel uneasy for fear that we were all wrong in our belief; but the thought was never pleasing to my mind. As to books of evidences, I know nothing about them, and cannot remember that I had ever heard of such works. And I was so situated that I had no one to whom I could apply for instruction. The only person with whom I had any communication, on literary subjects, was a gentleman who, though he said nothing to me on the subject, was deeply imbued with sceptical opinions. Being separated from the companions of my youth, and placed in a secluded situation where, except on particular occasions, I saw little company, and where there were few opportunities of hearing instructive preaching, I was cast upon my thoughts, and my reflections were often not very pleasing.
“One day—it was the Lord’s Day—as I was looking over some books which I had in a trunk, my eye caught the words ‘Internal Evidences of the Christian Religion.’ I had often seen the same book, and never so much as thought what the subject of it was, but in my present perplexity I seized it with avidity and began to read. The work was the celebrated treatise of Soame Jenyns, Esq. I never removed from where I was sitting until I had finished it, and as I proceeded, the light of evidence poured in upon my mind with such power of demonstration that at the conclusion I had the idea of the room being full of resplendent light. I enjoyed a pleasure which none can appreciate but those who have been led to the contemplation of the truth in like perplexing circumstances. Not only were all my doubts removed, but I wanted no more evidence. My conviction of the truth of Christianity was complete. I believe it could not have been increased.
“But still I knew scarcely anything of the method of salvation, revealed in the gospel. I entertained the common legal notions of thousands of ignorant people ‘that at a convenient time I would become good,’ never doubting for a moment of my ability to do all that was requisite. The only thing which gave me uneasiness was the fear of a sudden death, which would not afford me the opportunity of repenting and making my peace with God. But the hope prevailed that I should die a lingering death and be in my senses, and then I would do all that was requisite to prepare me for heaven, while at the same time I had no definite idea what that preparation was.
“During this period I was exposed to few temptations, but still some sins had dominion over me. One day a child brought me a small book and said that Mrs. T. requested that I would read it and return it soon, as it was borrowed. The title was Jenks on Submission to the Righteousness of God. I read the book through at a single sitting, and again a new light sprung up in my mind. The author, in the introduction, gives an account of his ignorance of the true method of a sinner’s justification, until he had been for years a preacher. He
was a minister of the Church of England. I now found that I likewise had been all my life ignorant of the way of salvation, for I entertained the same legal and unscriptural notions which he proves to be utterly erroneous. Although these new views seem to have been merely intellectual, yet they afforded me a great satisfaction. I had now a distinct knowledge of the gospel method of justification, which I ever afterwards retained. Another copy of this book I have never seen.
“The preaching, to which I had access, was mostly of a wild, fanatical kind, and the way in which I heard the new birth described tended to prejudice me against the doctrine of regeneration. I had never before heard anything about this change, and yet I was sure that I knew some very good and religious people. I began to be troubled now, whether sober, intelligent Christians believed in this doctrine. It also became a subject of discussion in the little circle with which I was conversant; and I found that one person in the company professed to have experienced this change; another was convinced of its reality but professed to be merely an inquirer; a third was of opinion that it related to the conversions of Jews and infidels, and that there was no other regeneration except in baptism; and the fourth was the sceptical gentleman already mentioned who was incredulous about the whole matter. In these conversations I, being young and ignorant, took no part, but I listened to them with intense interest. I had recourse to such books as I had access to but could find nothing that was satisfactory; for my range of religious books was very narrow, and few of these of an evangelical cast. The person of my acquaintance who professed conversion one day gave me a narrative of the various steps and changes experienced in this transition from darkness to light. As I entertained a favourable opinion of the veracity and sincerity of the individual, I began to think there might be something in it.
“Although I had experienced no remarkable change thus far, I knew that the subject of religion had become one of much more interest in my mind than formerly. One evidence of this was that I commenced secret prayer, a duty utterly neglected until this time except when some one of the family was dangerously sick. I had selected a retired spot, surrounded by a thick growth of trees and bushes, on the margin of a brook. Here I made a kind of arbour, over a little plat of green grass, and in the summer evenings I would resort to this sequestered spot. It was on the afternoon of the Lord’s Day I was reading a sermon on the long-suffering and patience of God in waiting with delaying sinners; and so many things applied so exactly to my own case that I became so much affected with a sense of the divine goodness and forbearance, in sparing me, and waiting so long with me, while I was living in neglect of Him, that I felt impelled to go out and weep. I was reading the sermon aloud to the family by request. I laid down the book abruptly and hastened to my retirement, where I poured out a flood of tears in prayer. And, suddenly,
I was overwhelmed with a flood of joy. It was ecstatic beyond anything which I had ever conceived, for though I thought religion a necessary thing, I never had an idea that there was any positive pleasure in its exercises. Whence this joy originated I knew not. The only thing which had been on my mind was the goodness and patience of God and my own ingratitude. Neither can I now say how long it continued, but the impression left was that I was in the favour of God, and should certainly be happy for ever. When the tumult of feeling had subsided I began to think that this was conversion—this was the great change of which I had recently heard so much.
It occurred to me, when walking home, that if this was indeed the change called the new birth, it would be evinced by my forsaking all my sins. This suggestion appeared right, and I determined to make this the test of its reality. All the evening my mind was in a delightful calm, but the next day my feelings had returned into their old channels. I was grieved at this and resorted to the same place where I had experienced such a delightful frame, in hopes that by some kind of association the same scene would be renewed, but though there was the place and all the objects of yesterday, the soul-ravishing vision was not there; and after a feeble attempt at prayer, and lingering for some time, I returned without meeting anything which I sought and desired. It was not long before I was subjected to the test which I had fixed; a temptation to a besetting sin was presented, and I had no strength to resist but was instantly overcome. This failure gave me inexpressible pain on reflection. I did not know how dear my cherished hopes were until they were wrestled from me. I never felt a keener regret at any loss which I ever experienced.
“Although I was constrained to admit that I was not a regenerated person, I was sensible of a considerable change in my views and feelings on the subject of religion. I had no longer any doubt of the necessity of regeneration, and entertained some consistent notions of what its effects must be. I had, as before stated, acquired evangelical views of the way in which a sinner must be justified, and entertained different feelings from what I had formerly towards religious people. Formerly they were objects of dread and aversion; now I felt a sincere regard and high respect for the same characters; and was pleased when I heard of any of my friends becoming religious or more serious than before. I had now an opportunity of hearing an able minister preach an evangelical sermon on the text, ‘For our righteousness are as filthy rags,’ etc., and I cannot tell the gratification which I experienced in hearing the doctrine of justification, which I had fully embraced, preached distinctly and luminously from the pulpit, but when I looked around on the audience I had the impression that they were all, or nearly all, ignorant of what he was saying and were still trusting to their own works.
“It gave me pleasure also now to converse on the doctrines of religion, and I felt a real abhorrence of vicious courses. This was my state of mind when providence cast my lot where a powerful revival had been in progress for some time. I had witnessed something of this kind in a wild, fanatical sect, where bodily agitations were common and violent; but this was a different scene. The principal conductor and preacher was a man of learning and eloquence; and his views of experimental religion, as I think, most correct and scriptural. If he erred, it was on the safe side, in believing in the thorough conversion of but a small number of those who appeared impressed. In entering into this scene I experienced various new and conflicting feelings. The young converts spoke freely, in my presence, of their conviction and conversion but often with a degree of levity which surprised me. In their conversations I could take no part, and although my general purpose was to consider myself an awakened, unconverted sinner, yet when I heard the marks of true religion laid down, and especially by the distinguished preacher, before mentioned, I could not prevent the thought arising continually, ‘If this is religion, then you have experienced it.’
“This seemed to me to be the suggestion of a false hope, by the enemy, to prevent my falling under conviction. Still the idea was continually presented to my mind, and with the appearance of truth. I took occasion to state the matter to the clergyman above alluded to, as soon as I could gain access to him; for I was diffident and timid, and had never opened my case to anyone freely. I told him all my former exercises, and stated distinctly that they had not been sufficient to break the habit of sinning to which I was addicted. As soon as I mentioned this part he said, in a peremptory tone, ‘Then surely your exercises were not of the nature of true religion and you must seek a better hope or you will never be admitted to heaven.’ This decisive answer drove away, from that moment, every idea of my being in a state of grace, and I felt relieved from that which I had myself considered a temptation, to entertain a false hope. Now I began to seek conviction, as a necessary preliminary to conversion; and hoped that every sermon which I heard would be the means of striking terror into my soul. I read the most awakening discourses; went to hear the most arousing preachers; endeavoured to work on my own mind by imagining the awful realities of the judgment and the torments of the damned.
(To be continued.)
JESUS—THE ARM OF THE LORD. By this arm the Lord executes His will in Providence and Grace. Upon this Everlasting Arm the Church leans, for it is always underneath. As the strong arm of the shepherd lovingly clasps the lamb to his bosom, so the Arm of the Lord evermore encircles His people.