(Continued from page 47.)
What I did not see then, however, was made very clear for me later. In the home of Simon Van Oort, I was changed into another man, and through the powerful and the irresistible operation of God the Holy Ghost, I had become a poor sinner at the feet of the Lord Jesus. And although I could not as yet embrace Him as my Lord and my God, my heart, however, was filled with love towards Him. I found so much in Him that was dear and amiable, that the choice was firm in me to follow Him through scorn and disgrace.
Simon Van Oort and his wife had no children; they were taken away from them by death, but they had reared me as a spiritual son by the Gospel. There were mutual ties between us which could never be broken.
Day after day my departure was postponed. Finally I did not dare to remain any longer and planned to leave the next morning. Never, never shall I forget that precious prayer which Simon Van Oort sent on high that last evening. I was moved to tears, and the folks no less.
When I awoke the next morning, hearing the clashing of arms, I supposed that I was dreaming. I sat up, and rubbed my eyes; but no, it was no dream—it was reality! Armed men soon entered the house seeking the deserter, whom they found in poor me. The sad scene which now followed I cannot describe, much less the touching farewell which could only be brief because of the harsh attitude of the petty officer. The shackles were put on my hands, and between armed men I was transported to the garrison. It was most grievous for me to part with Simon and his wife, which was far worse than the handcuffs which did not pinch me; on the contrary, in these bands I felt that I was free, for I had to believe at times that God Almighty had broken the fetters of Satan.
The prison now became my abode, and water and bread my food; and there was perhaps no king as comfortable in his palace as I was in my lonesome cell, where the instructions of Simon were placed before me as in a book, and where it became more and more clear to me that God the Father, as a righteous Judge, could only be reconciled and satisfied by the death of His Son. And if the dear Son would show mercy unto me, it would be an eternal wonder, for I could ascribe no injustice unto the Lord if I should be cast away from before His holy sight forever.
Several weeks passed by before I was called to appear before the Council of War. What I have learned in those weeks, but also what fearful moments I experienced, when the bullet was placed before me and death and eternity awaited me, I cannot describe. At such times the prison often resounded with the supplications and the groanings unto the Lord Jesus, and I would beg, “If I may only have Thee as my Surety and Savior I would not fear the bullet, for I would then soon be with Thee eternally Whom I so heartily love.”
With the fetters on my hands, I was brought before the court-martial. Although I was a little affected at seeing all those men, who looked at me so very sternly, the Lord soon gave me grace to recover myself and I received boldness to answer unobtrusively all the questions that were directed to me. When the trial was over, they asked me if I had anything more to say, and upon being permitted to speak, I said: “I am perfectly conscious of the fact that I am not a deserter and that I am not guilty before this tribunal; but before the higher court of justice, before the uppermost Majesty, I stand guilty in the trespassing of all His commandments. Through the adorable mercies of God it was discovered unto me. All the days of my life I have served under the black standard of the devil, but from him and his host I have deserted, and have ranged myself under the banner of the amiable King, namely, the Lord Jesus.”
Upon this, there was an outburst of scorn and reproach, but the marshal made an end of it by commanding in a severe and harsh tone, “Bring him away!” I noticed, however, that one of the men had hearkened to my words with apparent pleasure.
I was then brought back again to my quiet abode, being glad that the Lord Jesus had given me boldness and courage to confess Him and to testify for His Name publicly. But it did not take long before things took an entirely different turn. My sinful origin and birth, the wickedness and abominations of my youth were continually before me, like a black register. My curses and blasphemies, my lewdness, dishonesties and rebellions, came with an awful weight before me, and the wrath of God and the curse of the law laid upon me. I did not dare to think that such a monster as I was would ever obtain mercy; and although I had confessed the Lord Jesus before the court-martial, I supposed that surely this glorious Person would yet say to me: “Go away from Me! I have never known thee!”
Sleep departed from me; I did not dare to partake of the most simple food, for it seemed that curses were written about it and I feared that I would thereby eat myself to death. It seemed as though thousands of voices rumbled all the curses in my ears which I had thrust out before it had pleased God to open my blind soul eyes, and I supposed that I was compassed with a host of devils. This lasted for three long days and three long nights, during which it often seemed as if my throat was closing up, threatening every moment to choke me.
The fourth night I fell into a calm sleep upon my bed of straw, and I dreamed that I was alone in a lovely little wood. A clear light shone about me suddenly, and a glorious Person approached me, who said in a gentle and charming manner: “Fear not! I have plucked thee as a brand out of the burning; thou art Mine forever.”
I then awoke, and although it was only a dream, I was in a much calmer spirit; and when I received my food, it was as if one said to me, “You are cursed on account of your sins, but you are blessed on account of the blood.” The hope revived; I could pray again and pour out my heart before the Lord. It also seemed that after I had eaten my food I received new strength, and I persevered in prayer to obtain mercy. It was during the afternoon, while I again begged the Lord with tears for grace, that the words came to me which I never heard before. They were these: “Fear not, thou worm Jacob! I will help thee; I will strengthen thee with the right hand of My righteousness.” This was accompanied with such power that I did not know what to think about it. I thought, “Are these words written in the Bible? If that is true, then there must be two Bibles: one that has been printed, and one in my heart.”
After a few moments my prison cell was opened and the captain entered, who had looked at me in such a friendly manner when I stood before the military court and testified of King Jesus. He asked me how it was that such a great change had taken place, as I was formerly known as such a reckless and impertinent man, and considering my present respectful behavior. To this I answered in truth and told him all that had happened; what the conduct of my former life had been, but also what had taken place since that fall off the dike, and that I now had a hope that the Lord Jesus had looked down upon me in mercy.
At first he seemed to be a little suspicious, supposing that I had pretended to be humble in order to escape the penalty. Gradually he seemed to have more confidence in me, and when he finally took my hand and clasped it heartily, he said, “Well, my boy! You have made the good choice, and that Jesus Whom you have confessed, shall make it well with you.”
It seemed as if I had been visited by an angel from heaven, and his last words had entered as a balm into my soul.
During my imprisonment I had received nothing but bread and water, but that evening I received warm food, and the jailor, who had never spoken a friendly word to me, said, “Friend, I suppose this will be your last meal in this hole.”
If this message was favorable or not, I could not guess, and at times I thought the worst was to come; but this did not last very long, for I received such a wonderful confidence that the Lord would make all things well that it seemed I had no will of my own. I was in perfect union with God’s will and the outcome of the matter. While with my good friends, I had heard them read the Bible, that even the hairs of my head were numbered and that not one of my hairs would be touched without the will of God.
That night I slept so restfully and laid as comfortably as if my bed of straw had been a bed of fluff, and in the morning I awoke with these words: “I will help thee.”
My body was refreshed, and in a special manner there was inward peace. For a long time I had not experienced it thus.
When the church tower had struck ten o’clock, my cell was opened, and I was again led in fetters before the court-martial.
Again I appeared between the guards in that same room. The same men were present. When I stood there for a few moments, it was the captain who nodded very friendly to me. This gave a little courage, for it was as if someone continually whispered in my ear: “The bullet! the bullet!”
One of the men said to one of the guards, “Take those shackles off his hands.” This relieved me more yet. Then one of the men who sat in their midst, began to read from a paper. What it all contained, I can not say. There were so many official terms and different articles in it, that it seemed to be a combination of passages where one couldn’t find his way. The most important, however, I understood very well. After much inquiry, it was evident that I was not a deserter, but a straggler or one that had stayed behind through consequence of an injury and a sickness that followed; that I had become extremely guilty for not reporting the accident to my regiment, and that consequently the martial law had to be applied to me.
After this, it was very quiet for a few moments; the men whispered something in each other’s ears. I no longer expected that I would be shot, but that my punishment would be internment at a fortress for five years.
Then the official continued the reading and pronounced my sentence: I was condemned to stay in the barracks for six weeks, without permission to go out of doors; that if I would bear my penalty patiently, I could return to my regiment as drummer again, and that the penalty which was laid upon me commenced from that moment.
When I had heard my sentence, I burst into tears. My heart was so full that I could not keep silent. I had to speak. The stones would have spoken if I would have kept my peace, and publicly I told them that the beloved Lord Jesus had done this; that He had delivered me out of the bands of hell and delivered me from a scornful sentence, which I deserved a thousand times on account of my sins.
I thanked my judges kindly for the pronounced sentence, which was not a sentence for me, but a blessing. I was deeply touched; those stern men were also affected more or less. The captain previously mentioned arose, and stretching out his hand to me, said: “Well, my boy! hold fast what you have, that no one will take your crown.”
Then one of the officials said: “Your sentence will now be executed; you may go wherever you wish in the barracks.”
I went, and upon entering there were many who received me with a hearty welcome. My brother was the first one who greeted me with a terrible curse. I did not speak, but when I had come into the hall where many of the men were together, and one was asking this, and another something else, I said: “Comrades! before I answer you, I will first acknowledge Him Who has not only delivered me from the bullet, but also from eternal ruin.” I fell upon my knees at once and thanked and praised my King, Who had delivered me out of such a great distress and death.
When I had concluded my prayer with “Amen,” I observed that many had left; others, however, stood there as if they were nailed to the floor. How could it be otherwise? They had known me only as a fierce lion, and now I had become a lamb.
I shall never forget those six weeks I spent in the barracks. I had nothing else to do but to proclaim the great deeds of God, and announce death and eternity to the lowest and the highest in rank, but also what salvation there is to be found in the service of King Jesus.
However, I was greatly disappointed therein, for instead of receiving the glad message of salvation with joy, they burst out in enmity. My own brother was the worst one in showing it towards me. But they could not rob me of my peace: Jesus was in my heart and that was sufficient for me. During those six weeks not a doubt entered my soul, and I began to think that this would be so during the rest of my life; but I have afterwards experienced it to be otherwise.
My encounters in the barracks were not always the same or very pleasant. Against all the scorn and slander which came upon me. I received much peace in my heart which nothing and no one could take away.
When I was in the midst of soldiers and could testify boldly for my King, when I showed them the danger of losing their soul forever if they would not come at the feet of the Lord Jesus as poor sinners and learn to cry and beg Him for mercy, then it was at times as if hell had broken loose. I believe that if there had been stones there, they would have stoned me. It now usually ended in throwing a knapsack or a cartridge bag at my head; but I could bear this all with much patience.
It was not only my fellow comrades who could not bear me, but I had to suffer from the petty officers as well. There was one amongst them who was especially against me. The hatred towards me was depicted in his face. On a certain morning I was again engaged in telling them the well and the woe, and I also directed my words to this petty officer. Suddenly he roared like a lion and said: “You pious one . . . keep your . . . !” and at the same time he gave me a blow with the palm of his hand in my face, adding a terrific curse to it. I turned my other cheek towards him and said, “If you so desire, you can smite this one also.” Then he walked away, and when he had gone he said to the soldiers, “Boys! let us do him no more evil; I believe he is better than we are.” One of my mates told me this afterward.
It was always a cause of gladness for me when I saw the captain. He did not come very often, but when he came it was a feasting time for me.
On a certain occasion, he called the soldiers together and said, “Come, drummer! let us hear you beat upon your drum.” “But captain,” I said, “I do not have my drum back yet.” “I know that,” he remarked, “but I mean another drum. I read in my Bible that when the children of Israel had left Egypt, and God divided the Red Sea so that they could pass through it dry shod, then Miriam took a drum and therewith glorified God. Now I would like to see you tell all your companions how you also were led out of Egypt.”
This was just what I wanted, and I told them all that the Lord had done to my soul. It was so quiet that you could hear a pin fall on the floor. The petty officers were also present, and I noticed that the one who smote me, listened with great attention. During this time my heart was burning with love towards my King, and my soul was like a watered garden.
Then the captain said, “Harken, men! They are the most faithful and courageous soldiers, who are in the service of King Jesus!” And to the petty officers, he said, “I hope that you will not deal with him as a prisoner.”
Before he left, he asked me if I had any requests to make, I approached him respectfully and said that I could not write, and that I had a great desire to let those dear people, who had been the means unto my conversion, know the outcome of my sentence. He put me at ease by saying that he already had taken care of that. I thanked him very kindly; he then pressed my hand heartily and left the barracks.
From that time on, it seemed that there was more respect among the soldiers, at least I did not experience that outward enmity whenever I admonished and warned them. Often, however, this heart-evil could be read upon many faces.
The person most hostilely disposed towards me was the one most closely related to me—my own brother. In the presence of others he remained calm, but when we were alone together he often burst out severely. One time, he said to me with a terrible curse, “I wish I could murder you!” I answered, “If I could deliver your soul from the eternal woe with my blood, I would say, ‘Just pierce me!'” But this would not help you, but make your judgment so much the heavier; nothing but the precious blood of the Lord Jesus can save your soul from everlasting damnation.”
It was all of no avail, however; he remained, to my grief, the same brute as I had formerly been.
The petty officer previously mentioned was entirely changed, since the time he had smitten me. It seemed that I had overcome evil by doing good, because he showed me wonderful friendship and affection from that time on.
Also, among the soldiers, there was one who showed the desire to meet and hear me speak. When he had time, he invited me to come with him to a solitary place at the inner court, and then we would talk there together for a long time until his service called him. After many years I met him again, and then heard from his lips how he also had found the Pearl of great price.
On a certain morning, I was told that there were two people asking for me. I hurried over there, and to my great joy it was the man and his wife who had only nursed me so charitably, but who were the means in God’s hand of making me a different man. I embraced and kissed them as if they were my own father and mother, and all three of us wept for joy. We were permitted to spend a few hours at a solitary place, where we had nothing else to do but to speak about and praise the great mercies of God. And truly, our mouths were filled with spiritual laughing for the Lord had done great things for us. You may understand that we left that place very reluctantly, but we had to part; and I do not have to tell you how touching and hearty this parting was.
Chapter 5
When the time of my punishment was over I was sent back into the army, and when I had hung the drum over my shoulders for the first time, it was as if someone from behind grasped me in the hips and pushing me forward, said: “You are now going into the wide world again.” I scared, looking around, but perceived nothing.
And then . . . the first cloud covered the Sun again! I was now standing in the midst of the world again and in the same sinful surroundings as before. After leaving the barracks, many more dark clouds followed and at moments I thought that I could never get through. I could have no communion with the sins of my comrades, and when I testified against them it seemed as if all the devils of hell had broken loose, which then often stopped my mouth.
Frequently, I tried very hard to find solitary places, but seldom prospered therein. It seemed as if my companions could smell it when I did so: they persecuted me just about at all places. The nights were the most pleasant for me; then they would leave me in peace and it was for me at times as though it was as clear as day. Then I felt a fire burning within and it was as if the lovely Sun with its warming beams cherished and refreshed my soul. At times, however, it was different. Then I lay destitute and despondent; then I thought that everything was only imagination and it was as if some one stood at my bedside and said, “What a fool you are! Before this you had a much better life; go back, rejoice, and be happy!” Now and then these deceitful words were repeated, which tempted and attacked me so dreadfuly on a certain night that I cried aloud: “Go away! Then I would rather die!” Then suddenly it was as if a ray of light came into my soul, so peaceful and pleasant as I had not experienced for a long time, and these words came to me: “Behold, I am with thee, and will keep thee in all places whither thou goest, for I will not leave thee, until I have done that which I have spoken to thee of.”
These words entered my heart with such power that I did not dare to doubt that it was a word from heaven. This, however, did not last very long and soon I was sorely attacked and began to fear. A voice inwardly said that I had them only in my thoughts; that they were not to be found in the Bible and that they were nothing but reveries. I could not get them out of my mind, however; they accompanied me all over, and I began to believe that during the time I was in the home of Van Oort, I had heard him read them from the Bible.
It was perhaps about fourteen days after this unforgettable night, that I saw my desire fulfilled and I had an opportunity to hear the Word proclaimed publicly. It was Sunday morning, and a great multitude of people gathered together in the house of God. I thought that all these people must have the same desire that was in my heart. I said to myself, “What would they do here, otherwise?” It made a deep impression upon me. The preacher, an elderly man, appeared in the pulpit. His touching prayer was spoken out of my heart, and I melted like wax when he represented himself and his hearers as poor sinners before the Lord. He had a big Bible before him, and standing there with reverence and dignity, he told the people what portion of God’s Word he would speak from. It was written in Genesis 28:15, and the words were the same that were brought to me in that remarkable night. I could have cried from gladness: it was like cold water upon a thirsty soul. What I never heard before, I heard then. Jacob and Esau were twin brothers; one was loved and the other hated. The words and the particulars were so understandable, how my brother was the furious Esau and I the beloved Jacob. How the first fancied himself strong in his own strength, and the latter sought strength in the Lord. How Esau persecuted Jacob, but that all his endeavors did not succeed, and the Lord promised Jacob that He would be with him whither he went; and instead of meeting the furious Esau, caused him to meet Christ and eternal life. I was filled with joy and wonder, and just could not understand how the minister could say all the things that were in my heart, and how he had learned to know the smallest particular. I shall never, never forget this hour either; it was a real heart stimulation. I was sorry that the service did not last longer, although it must have been imagination when I heard someone say, upon leaving the church, “He has made it very long. It has become late.” My soul was very much satisfied, and I left with the prize. For weeks afterward, I had to live on this strong food, and in the night it seemed to me as if I heard that minister again. Later, I learned to see that I then chewed the cud, as the ruminant animals do.
For many days I was favored with the pleasant sunshine, but after this, a sharp wind began to blow and I feared that I would be cast out. I had to learn a new lesson. One night, I was meditating on the great change in me: from a curser, I had become a supplicant, and since I left the home of Van Oort, not a curse had come over my lips any more. Then I heard a voice inwardly saying, “You certainly have advanced a lot. If you consider your comrades, then you are the best of them all. You don’t curse, drink, gamble, or lie any more; you will soon be a great Christian.” I listened with pleasure to those dictates of the heart and I began to believe that this surely was the truth, when these words came with power: “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it.” I imagined that I had proceeded quite far already in the knowledge of my heart. No, I did not curse any more, but the night that followed it seemed as if all the curses of hell were in my heart. I laid my hand upon my mouth, fearing that I would vomit them out.
The Lord, however, appeared to me continually, and provided also in this need and helped out of all my distresses. I had to learn that, although I did not commit sin outwardly, it was nevertheless in my heart, although against my will and mind. The Lord showed me that He only justifies the wicked for Jesus’ sake, and that I, a poor sinner, could only stand before God in the righteousness of His dear Son.
It may be that someone may wonder how I was taught all these things, without having been instructed therein by another person. To this query I must answer as follows: The Lord confirmed His Word in me thus, that all His children shall be taught of Him, and that I had the Bible in my heart, before I could read it.
With regard to the circumstances of my military course, I would rather maintain silence. I was a drummer and remained a drummer. Between times, I have made a little outing and became a preacher of the Gospel. I have seldom lodged on fluff in the inn of this world; very often on a bag of straw, and many a time in the field that was sometimes soaked from the rain or moistened from the nightly dew. How often have I heard the roaring of the guns; I beheld thousands of men and horses fall about me; I was also in the hands of the enemies, but at all times saved by Israel’s God Who fulfilled His Word continually: “At all places whither thou shall go, I shall be with thee.”
Circumstances wherein I could very clearly observe the hand of God, of which there are many and can never be forgotten, I wish to relate, to the glory of God.—(To be continued.)