Period I — From infancy to 12 years of age
I had the blessing to be born of religious parents in the year 1716, who took every care to train me up in the fear of the Lord, and early taught me my duty; especially my tender mother, who taught me to pray as soon as I could speak, following all the means used for my improvement, by her earnest and fervent addresses at the throne of grace for my conversion. She used also every imaginable precaution to keep me from the company of other children, who were let loose in the world by their parents, lest I should be tainted by their vices. Yet, all these means were not sufficient to restrain the corrupt nature that was in me. I found by experience the truth of these Scriptures, “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child”; and “The wicked are estranged from the womb, they go astray as soon as they be born, speaking lies” (Proverbs 22: 15; Psalms 58: 3).
To the best of my remembrance, when between five and six years of age, I went out one Sabbath-day without my mother’s knowledge, and for some time diverted myself foolishly; and although I returned home before my absence was observed, yet my mind was filled with terror and heavy accusations of conscience for breaking the Sabbath-day. And that night, after I had gone to bed and slept, I was greatly terrified with the following dream: I dreamed that the Lord Jesus Christ appeared to me in great wrath, and said that He would be avenged upon me for breaking His Sabbath. After I awoke, I repented of the wickedness I had committed, and resolved to do the like no more. In consequence of this circumstance, I began to pray more frequently than before: for previous to this I did not pray, unless pressed to it by my mother. But now I began to pray without any entreaty.
About a year after this, on the sixth of December, 1722, it pleased the Lord to call my mother away from this life. From the time of her death I was not so well taken care of, either as to correction or instruction; and “a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame” (Proverbs, ch. 5). The thorns that hedged in my way being now removed, I began to slight duty, and like Joash, I did well all the days of Jehoiada, but when Jehoiada died, I discovered myself to be what I really was. The corrupt root began to bud, and there being none to lop off the branches, I got leave to do what was right in the sight of my own eyes.
Then the Lord began to visit me with terrible visions, dreams in the night, which greatly frightened me: I always dreamed that the day of judgment was come; that Christ appeared in the clouds to judge the world, that all people were gathered together before His throne; that He separated them into two companies, the one on His right hand and the other on His left; and that I saw myself along with others, sentenced to the everlasting burnings. I always saw myself entering into the flames, and so would instantly awake in great fear and trembling. These things used to set me again to duty, at which I continued while the impressions of another world remained on my mind, but, like Pharaoh, no sooner did these thoughts abate than I also abated in my duty. And the Lord dealt with me as He did with Pharaoh, for when I began to grow remiss and thoughtless, He always visited me with another of these terrible dreams, which generally drove me again to my prayers.
At the time I dreamed these dreams, I believed them to be the strivings of the Spirit of God with me to induce me to forsake my sinful ways. These dreams continued for about two years, so frequent that scarcely a month passed by in which I had not some such dream, and subsequently became so very frequent that I did not regard them. At last, however, they ceased, and I was no more troubled with them. This was about the ninth year of my age. For “God speaketh once, yea twice, yet man perceiveth it not. In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falleth upon men, in slumberings upon the bed; then He openeth the ears of men, and sealeth their instruction, that He may draw man from his purpose, and hide pride from man” (Job 33: 14-18).
When these dreams ceased, I had no rest in my mind; for one day while reading my Bible, I was particularly struck with the following Scripture: “My Spirit shall not always strive with man” (Genesis 6: 3). I was, as already observed, impressed with the idea that my past dreams were the strivings of the Spirit of God, and now thought, because they had ceased, God had given me over, and would strive with me no more; that He had striven with me for a long time and that I had still resisted, till at last I had quenched His Spirit.
My fears were also greatly increased by hearing some people say, that when once God had given over dealing with a person He would never return to him; and that such a person would never find repentance. These thoughts greatly troubled me, and I would weep when alone, thinking that I had been forsaken of God. The thoughts which I now entertained of Him as an angry Judge, who would no more show mercy to me, made me neglect duty altogether: for I thought it would be to no purpose; yet I had such a fear of wrath for my sins as to prevent me sinning deliberately. Thus I spent from nine years of age till I was twelve, in a kind of stupid despair, and often thinking on these words, “My Spirit shall not always strive with man”.
I have particular remembrance of several things which I did in the course of these two last years, and which cleave to me to this day; and I find that the forsaking of these things even now, is like the cutting off of a right hand.
I will now make two or three observations on this early period of my life.
First, when I reflect on this early period of my life, and consider the natural inclinations of my affections, how they ran out after those things which are expressly forbidden in the law of God, my belief is more firmly established in the truth of that doctrine which teaches me that I am just what the Pharisees said of the blind man whom Christ restored to his sight, “that he was altogether born in sin”.
Yea, not only born in sin, but, as the Psalmist says, “conceived in sin and brought forth in iniquity”. “Foolishness,” says Solomon, “is bound in the heart of a child,” and although “the rod of correction” while held over him “may drive it far from him,” yet, it can never drive it so far from him as to prevent its turning again, till the sanctifying grace of Christ be exerted. The Apostle John also writes to little children who had their sins forgiven them, and if little children had no sin, what need had they for forgiveness? But besides the clear Scripture proofs which testify the truth of original sin, experience put it beyond all doubt with myself, that I came into this world with the seeds of all manner of sin sown in my heart, of which the abundant crop which Satan reaped of my infancy is to me a sufficient evidence. For men do not usually reap where they do not sow some seed or other, and whatever kind of seed is sown, the fruit will be of a corresponding nature. For the Apostle says, “Whatsoever a man soweth, the same shall he also reap.” And of this I am certain, that, instead of honouring God with my first fruits, Satan got the first fruits of all my labours.
I own that in my infancy I did many things which were apparently good, but I did none of those things out of a free choice. No! I did no duty to which I was not either pressed by my parents, or out of a slavish fear of hell; and anything performed on such principles is not acceptable to the Lord. For if a man knows God aright, he will be influenced to serve Him from motives different from such as these: the love of God will be his main principle; and besides, the sweetness and delight which are enjoyed in His service, would be sufficient motives to induce any man, did he but experience them, to serve God. But how utterly destitute of any of these motives I was, my experience now bears witness. For I never went a step in God’s way but when I was compelled; and whenever this compulsion was withdrawn, I sat down till another impulse was given by the arm of the Lord. Whatever instruments He used, it matters not, since they were in His hand who makes every thing accomplish the end for which He designs it.
Secondly, when I reflect on the disposition of my heart at this early period of my life, I find that I was full of pride, covetousness, hatred, revenge, etc., all which manifested themselves abundantly on the least occasion.
Should I inquire whence these dispositions flowed, or who taught me them? I shall find that they were not imbibed from others. Besides there was every possible care taken to keep me from corrupt company. Yet even at this early period of my life, before I had any access to the society of those by whom my morals or principles could be contaminated, I found those corrupt inclinations in my nature. Again, should I inquire whence proceeded those abominable outbreaks of iniquity which manifested themselves, particularly between the eighth and twelfth years of my age — actions which I never saw any person do at that time, nor did I hear any one speak of such — I shall find that they originated in, and proceeded solely from, myself. Let me then ask, Whence flowed those black streams? Surely from some poisonous fountain or other, as the Lord says by the prophet, “As a fountain casteth out her waters, so she casteth out her wickedness” (Jer. 6: 7).
Thirdly, when I take a retrospective view of this period of my life, I am led to see the absolute necessity of regeneration by grace, not only in regard to outward actions, but also to inward dispositions, in renewing the nature and restoring the image of God in the soul, and making us partakers of the divine nature, “For that which is born of the flesh is flesh,”
and flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God. “For all flesh is grass, and the glory of man as the fading flower.” “The carnal mind is enmity against God” (1 Peter 1: 24; Rom. 8: 7).
The use I shall make of this early period of my life, shall be a use of lamentation. First, I may lament with Jeremiah, and exclaim, “How is the gold become dim, and how is the most fine gold changed!” How is the image of God that shone in the soul of man defaced! How is the beautiful order that was in all the faculties thereof turned into confusion! How is the original nature of man sunk in a manner below that of the brutes! “For the ox knoweth his owner, and the ass his master’s crib, but my people do not know, neither do they consider.” “Even the swallow and crane know their seasons.” Who can view man in his primitive glory and happiness, when he had the right exercise of his reason; when he had his judgment and understanding clear in the knowledge of God, of himself, and all the other works of creation; when he had perfect love to God and enjoyed communion with him; when all his faculties concentrated in God as his chief delight; when he was altogether pure and innocent in his nature, and not so much as one vain thought in his mind that could estrange it from God; — who, I say, can think of what man was, and what he now is, with heartrending sorrow that the nature which was planted a choice vine, wholly a right seed, is now become the degenerate plant of a strange vine? (Jer. 2: 21).
O how unlike man is to what man was, when he proceeded from the hands of his Creator! O sad and fatal change, that he who at one time had the image of God shining in his soul, in knowledge, righteousness, and holiness, with dominion over the creatures, should now have, instead of these, the very nature and image of the devil, in ignorance, darkness, enmity, pride, stubbornness, malice, uncleanness, atheism, idolatry, self-love, and many other such hateful affections, which, by reason of their number, cannot be named, and in consequence of which, he is exposed to the wrath and curse of a holy and sin-hating God! He is hopeless and helpless in himself, and no ways deserving that God should help him. And who, to aggravate his misery, is in consequence of his fall, unwilling to accept help when it is offered. To contrive a plan for the salvation of such a creature, is entirely beyond the comprehension of the disordered fragments of wisdom that remain in man, even were they joined to the superior wisdom of angels; so that the salvation of man would have for ever ceased, had not the love and wisdom of God found out a method.
Again, when I review the foregoing part of my life, I have great reason to lament that after such an education, and such an example, as were set before me, I should slight them and turn such a monster of wickedness as I have done. And I have no less reason to lament the many convictions and workings of God’s Spirit quenched in those early days. But this has been my manner from my youth. I obeyed not the voice of the Lord. For my neck has been as an iron sinew and my brow brass, and I have been a transgressor from the womb.