Period II — From twelve years of age to twenty-four (Continued from page 91)
I was now twenty years of age when I came to Dumbarton, where I wanted the benefit of the good society I enjoyed at Kippon, and because I had not the root of the matter in me, was soon seduced by my new associates to get occasionally intoxicated, and when I would become deprived of reason would now and then utter an oath, for which, after I had become sober, I would heartily repent, and have recourse to my old habit of making vows, which were often no sooner made than broken. At last my building, which was made up of untempered mortar, fell to the ground, not all at once, but by degrees, from one step to another, till at last I found myself wholly sunk in the mire of sin, and joined with the rest of my companions in all their hellish courses.
As I was one day walking abroad in the fields, that Scripture sounded a dreadful alarm in my conscience, “when the unclean spirit is gone out of a man he walketh through dry places seeking rest, but findeth none: then he saith, I will return to my house whence I came out; and when he is come he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished. Then goeth he and taketh with him seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there, and the last state of that man is worse than the first” (Matthew 12:43, 45). O, how this went like a dagger to my heart! It put me in an agony to think of being forsaken by God, and to become a habitation of devils. “Cursed,” said I, “be the day in which I was born; nay, rather cursed be the day in which I first departed from God! O cursed be the day in which I met with these cursed companions! O sad condition! to be given over to a reprobate mind. O miserable change!” I was in that state that I could pluck my hair, and tear my flesh. It is, indeed, impossible for me adequately to describe the unutterable horror with which my soul was filled. I looked upon myself as being altogether forsaken by God, and as having no more hope, but a looking for a fearful indignation that devoureth all God’s enemies.
After this, I for some time became so melancholy that nothing could give me any comfort. But afterwards I began to consider what I had better do. I saw that heaven was lost; and that I had no other heaven to get if I did not take a heaven on earth. Therefore I began to cheer up my spirits, and began to take my fill of sinful enjoyment while I might have it. Then all the bonds of restraining grace were broken, and I ran on in all manner of sin with greediness. I became like a wild ass in the wilderness, and used every means to lull my conscience asleep, which, however, I could not do. Company was the only remedy I found for easing my trouble, which made me flee to it on every opportunity; and because I could not be always in company, in order to divert my mind when in private, I learned all the ballads and songs I could get; which was but a bad cure for a wounded and festered conscience. Yet, notwithstanding all these means to which I had recourse, I could find no rest.
Then I thought if I could persuade myself there was no God, that I could get some ease in my mind. But all my efforts could not free my mind of the impressions of the existence of God. It was my earnest wish that there was no God; but I could not shake off the dread of His vengeance, and in the midst of all my jollity, whilst endeavouring to shake off all thoughts of God and eternity, an irresistible impression would come across my mind, that there was a God, and an everlasting state of being prepared for all impenitent sinners. “The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God” (Psalms 14:1). I found the thought regarding the existence of God continually assaulting me, and my doubts grew ultimately so strong that I concluded there was no God; nor could all my power and strength resist the violence of this temptation.
I found now the sad effects of my former exercises, when I employed all my ingenuity and powers in persuading myself that there was no God, that I might sleep securely in my sins, although, as I have already stated, I could not, by all the means in my power, succeed in convincing myself of the reality of the object of this awful and blasphemous wish. All that I could do was merely to wish in my heart, that there was no God who might take vengeance upon me; and that temptation which I had before sought after with so much earnestness, came now of itself without any solicitation; and I was now as unable to impress the belief of the being of God upon my mind, as I was before to shake it off.
Being one day in an adjoining wood, and my thoughts deeply exercised about the being of God, I began to look upon the plants which were growing around me, and observed a most beautiful order in their form and structure. Having plucked some of them, and examined them minutely, I saw so many branches growing from the trunk of each, and every one at a regular distance from the other; I saw also so many twigs spreading from those on either side, in so admirable and exact an order, that I could perceive no difference between one side and another. Again, I considered the various kinds of birds and beasts, and how every creature was provided with food and directed to its proper ends. Then I enquired of myself, How came these to be so? But I could not tell, unless by the power and wisdom of the Creator. And thus, when I considered the works of nature and providence, my mind was in some degree settled as to the being of God, and His providence towards His creatures.
Another day, while walking through the fields, I found the skull of a horse lying on the ground, bleached by the weather, so that all the seams and joinings in it were distinctly seen. Taking it up in my hands, I very minutely examined the curious seams by which one piece was joined to another, and the admirable windings and turnings that were about the ears and nostrils; I looked upon both sides of it, to see, if among so many intricacies and so many pieces joined to one another, I could perceive any difference or defect; and after I had spent a considerable time in comparing one part with another, I could not perceive the very least difference, but a wonderful order and adaptation in every part of it. I saw that nothing less than infinite wisdom could contrive such a piece of mechanism as this; and that all the men on earth could not frame such another, although they had it as a pattern; and if they could not frame the skull how much less could they join bone to bone, and cover them with sinews, flesh and skin; and least of all put breath into it and cause it to walk and move as it once did? Then, I concluded, surely there is a God who is infinite in wisdom and power, who is the great Creator of all things, and who ruleth every thing as He pleaseth.
After that, I considered man, and how he excels all other creatures, especially in his being endowed with a rational soul by which he is capable of knowing God and His works. From these and from many other considerations of a similar kind, I became convinced of the existence of God: yet my mind remained unsatisfied as to how I ought to worship Him. For it was about the time I had met with the temptation, concerning the Divinity of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the authority of the Scriptures, in which I was assaulted with this temptation of Atheism, so that all directions afforded me from Revelation were rendered void; and this temptation, I mean that concerning the Divinity of the Lord Jesus Christ, like the rest, followed me till I got the discovery of God in Christ, which overcame this and the other temptations.
At this time, however, I had arrived at such a height in wickedness, as to sin openly and avowedly. I gloried in my wickedness, and was not content with making a boast of my own sins, but ascribed to myself the sins of others also. I never looked into my Bible, for it was a terror to me. The only books I studied, were Gordon’s Geographical Grammar, and the History of the Kings of Scotland; and for whatever I did I could not bear reproof, for the least reproof would arm my conscience with new accusations which would put my soul in an agony. I was one day reprov’d for my swearing, by a very ignorant, and I believe graceless person, when I thought the terror of my conscience made me so weak as scarcely to be able to stand.
I even went so far as to attempt to wrest the Scriptures, to justify my wicked actions. O! the height of all the impiety to which I had now come! “As also in all his Epistles, speaking of them in these things: in which are some things hard to be understood, which they that are unlearned and unstable wrest, as they do also the other scriptures, unto their own destruction.” “Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!” “Woe unto them that draw iniquity with cords of vanity, and sin as it were with a cart rope:” “whose God is their belly, and whose glory is in their shame, who mind earthly things.” (2 Peter 3:16; Isaiah 5:18, 20; Philip. 3:19).
Much about this time, I met with one who was reputed a learned man, and enquired of him what he thought of a future state, and also of the punishment of the damned in hell. He said there was no such thing as everlasting punishment, and this he attempted to prove by several arguments, especially from a consideration of the goodness of God. For how could it consist with the goodness of God, he observed, to torment poor creatures through eternity; especially the heathen, who had never heard of Him, with many other such arguments. Hearing this new doctrine urged with so many arguments, I was very glad, and thought with myself that there was yet hope of coming out of hell, since it was not eternal, but only to last for a time. O sweet doctrine to such as I was, who looked for nothing but everlasting punishment, that I might now, although never so short, indulge some hope!
When I parted with this man, I began to persuade others to be of my monstrous opinion, by arguing with them as he did with me. But none would believe it, and indeed no wonder, for I did not fully believe it myself. I could not get a full persuasion of it fixed on my mind, only I wished it was true, but all my wishes were crushed by this consideration, viz., that there was a God, and that this God was a God of truth: that He said in His word, the punishment of the wicked in another world will be eternal, and that it was only a mere man like myself, who said it would be only for a time. Then I thought on these words, “Let God be true and every man a liar,” and said if God be true, I must be in hell through all eternity. Having no comfort from this doctrine, I began to think how I could dwell with devouring fire: and how could I abide with everlasting burnings, and how could this feeble back bear the heavy and unsupportable wrath of God, which burns to the lowest hell? Sometimes I thought that God would strengthen me to bear what He would inflict: and again, that I would do as well as others, and harden myself in sorrows. These were but melancholy meditations, and therefore I endeavoured to banish them from my mind.
There was another thing I found in myself, although it may appear very strange how it could possibly be, and that was, that I could never have full freedom in the company of wicked men, for although I was singular for wickedness myself, I could not love it in others, and frequently reprov’d them for their cursing, drinking, and other sins. And when anything would cross me, I would think of enlisting in the army: but upon considering the way of living these men had, and how they indulged in every kind of wickedness, especially in swearing and other sinful practices, my heart could not endure to think of being all my days in such company, and thought that, if I kept myself from such, I might sometime or other return. This was a secret thought which was suggested to my mind, but was crushed by my unbelief, so that it had no influence upon my conversation, for it did not come the length of saying, “There is hope in Israel concerning this thing.” However, I thought if I did enlist that every opportunity of repentance would be for ever lost, and by this faint consideration of mercy, I was kept from going into the army.
There was another thing that was very stumbling to me, and that was the loose conduct of many of the professors of religion, whom I knew; and also the unsuitable walk of some ministers. For I had a habit whenever I happened to be in company, either with ministers or professors, of diligently observing their behaviour, and discovering whether they conducted themselves agreeably to their profession; and when I found their conversation vain and about worldly concerns, which did not beseem them, then I concluded that they were either mere hypocrites, or that there was no such thing as that reality in religion which they affirmed; since I was satisfied that if these men believed the reality of those things which they pressed upon others, it would make themselves walk differently from what I observed them to do. I thought also, if I were within reach of mercy, how I would walk in all holiness. Hence, the conclusion I drew from my observations was, that these people were, in all respects, in as bad a condition as myself. I served the devil publicly, and crowned him as my lord, and I appeared outwardly to be what I was inwardly; but they professed to serve God, and at the same time served the devil. These things were very stumbling to me.
I observe these two or three things from this passage. In the first place, I observe the great need the people of God have to study the Psalmist’s resolution, “I said, I will take heed to my ways, that I sin not with my tongue; I will keep my mouth with a bridle, while the wicked is before me” (Psalm 39). It is much to have the wisdom of the serpent, and the harmlessness of the dove; to walk so as that our good may not be evil spoken of, for many are waiting for our halting, that they may have somewhat to say to the reproach of religion.
Again, I see that there is great need to observe that precept, “Walk in wisdom toward them that are without, let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt” (Col. 4:5,6). And seeing that, ministers and other persons, whose example is most likely to be imitated, ought to make it their study to walk as it becometh the people of God. For if those who are the salt of the earth lose their savour, wherewith shall they be salted? And if the light that is in them be darkness, how great must that darkness be? And as Solomon says, “Dead flies cause the ointment of the apothecary to send forth a stinking savour; so doth a little folly him that is in reputation for wisdom and honour” (Eccles. 10:1). I further observe, that by this the weak believer is stumbled, and the heart of the wicked hardened in the ways of sin; and the good way of our God evil spoken of on that account. “Thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the Lord to blaspheme” (2 Sam. 12:14). Which I have found to my sad experience.
I was one day hearing a sermon in our parish Church, where I now very seldom went, unless it was for some by-end or other, when the minister observed that wearied backsliders were like iron once heated. This was so applicable to my case, that I concluded since I had been so often heated and cooled again, that I was turned like steel that could never be softened. For I found the truth of the observation by experience, having made several essays to serve the Lord, and drawn back as often. I remark this one thing in regard to my own backsliding; namely, that after the first time I drew back I was a degree worse than before I returned; and that, the second time I drew back, I was twofold the child of hell more than ever; and that the last time the unclean spirit returned, he brought seven other spirits more wicked than himself. And then my last fall was, without doubt, seven times deeper in the gulf of sin than my first.
This observation did me no other service than merely to let me see that to all appearance I would never be softened. And so to get some ease, I betook myself to my old trade of singing ballads and going into company. But in the midst of my mirth my conscience would stop my mouth by the consideration: there is an everlasting burning abiding you, and how can you be merry? I never, however, intended to let the trouble of my mind be known to any, for no man could help me, and God would not help me. I saw that in a short time I would go to my place, and soon be deprived of those common mercies which I enjoyed from that God who makes His sun to rise on the evil and on the good. I had continually a vehement thirst, and drank a great quantity of water, and when I got a drink, would say: “O! poor wretch, you will be, ere long, with Dives in the flames of hell, where you will not get so much as a single drop to cool your scorching tongue.” I was greatly afraid of death, and like Cain, said, “Every one who finds me will slay me.” If it was but a little pain in the head. I would look upon it as the messenger that was to end my heaven. Something of that curse which Moses pronounced against the children of Israel followed me. “The sound of a shaken leaf shall chase them. The wicked flee when no men pursueth” (Lev. 26:36; Prov. 28:1). But it pleased the Lord that during these four melancholy years I never had one day’s sickness, and I believe if I had, the terror of my mind would have distracted me. Yet, I believe it was easy for the Lord to have prevented my fears by allaying my trouble.