Period III — From twenty-four years of age to twenty-six (continued from page 202)
There was one book in the Bible on which I could never look with delight: namely, the Song of Solomon. I heard some sermons from several texts of it, but could never hear them with any delight, because I could not believe them to be divinely inspired, having heard some people say, that it was a song made between Solomon and Pharaoh’s daughter. Therefore, when reading the Bible, I would not look into that part of it.
My former darkness and deadness still continued, and I sought from place to place in the Bible except in the part which I have mentioned, for some word suitable to my case, but could find none. But one Sabbath morning while praying that God would bless the public ordinances to me, and that He would make dark things light, I had some impressions on my mind that the Lord would give me directions that day how to walk. Therefore I went cheerfully all the way to the Kirk, hoping that God would shew wonders to the dead; and during the time of worship, I was waiting impatiently for God to send a portion of His word with light into my soul, but when the sermon was near a close I was as dead and dark as before. I then began to despair more than ever, calling myself a fool for believing any impressions I felt at prayer in the morning.
While I was thus perplexed, the minister was discoursing of the believer’s exercise when under desertion, and said, that they made it their study to attend every place where they thought to meet with their beloved: and that it was their language, O that I knew where I might find him! Then he cited these words: “Tell me, O thou whom my soul loveth, where thou feedest, where thou makest thy flock to rest at noon: for why should I be as one that turneth aside by the flocks of thy companions? If thou know not, O thou fairest among women, go thy way forth by the footsteps of the flock, and feed thy kids beside the shepherds’ tents” (Song 1, 7, 8).
The only thing which my soul wanted to know, viz., where I might meet with Christ, was here expressed to me in the former of these verses, while the answer was given in the latter; so that before I arose from where I was sitting, I was both directed and comforted, I beheld also several glorious things afterwards in this book.
One thing in particular I learned from these scriptures was, that I should still wait upon God in the use of means, and follow the footsteps of the flock. There was another scripture also that supported my mind under the delays with which I was tried, and which kept me still in the way of duty: “In the morning sow thy seed, and in the evening withhold not thine hand” (Eccles. 11:6).
From which I further learned that it was my duty to be still in the way of all means, because I knew not what means the Lord might bless to me; that it was dangerous to be out of the way that Christ used to pass by; but still to wait like the blind man, begging, in the way of duty. And the fourth verse says, that he who observeth the wind shall not sow. Which I thought might imply that I should not regard the winds of temptations, nor the clouds of discouragements, but rather to be always in the way of duty. These considerations kept me always at prayer and other exercises.
In February, 1742, I was still seeking for this or that means for deliverance; but to no purpose, for I was like the door turning upon the hinges, and could never turn off the cheeks of sloth. I was altogether ignorant of Christ and His righteousness; was still hearing and reading of that grace of faith, and necessity thereof to obtain salvation; yea, without which, there was no salvation to be had, and I was certain that I had never as yet believed; for I thought it was presumption to believe my sins were forgiven, till I should find a certain measure of humiliation, and sanctification of nature. And besides the want of these qualifications, the thoughts of the great number of the iniquities of my past life terrified me, so that I durst not believe, unless God would work a miracle to encourage me. I have wished that God would send an angel, or give me some visible manifestation from heaven, before I could venture to believe. “Master, we would see a sign from thee.”
One Sabbath as I was coming home from church, I was musing on these things, and wishing that some additional voice from heaven would sound in my ears, to testify unto me that my sins were forgiven, for I thought that without this, my conscience would never be satisfied. While thinking on these things, these words came into my mind, “Behold, I thought, he will surely come out to me, and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God.” After I had read that passage, I began to consider how I should apply it to myself, and thought that Naaman represented sinners who came to the Lord Jesus, to be cleansed from spiritual leprosy, and that Christ’s answer was such as the prophet gave to Naaman, “wash in Jordan and be clean.” I saw that the Lord Jesus was ascended into heaven, and had given commission to His ministers, under the gospel, to direct all leprous sinners who want to be cleansed, to wash in His blood and to be cleansed; and that it was in vain to look for miracles now, and that if I would not believe the truth of His word, I would perish for ever; and that many who saw the Lord Jesus with their natural eyes did not believe, although they saw the miracles which He performed. I then endeavoured to believe, but could not, not being convinced that it was my real duty to believe, till I should be better qualified. Some time after this, I met a Christian friend, and spoke to him of my fears and the workings of my mind, but he spoke in such high and experienced language, as I could not understand. He told me of the victories that faith would obtain over all these doubts, but I did not know what faith was, only by report. I enquired “what was his opinion of Mr Whitefield?” about whom I had heard many things, though I did not hear him myself. To which he replied, “that he preached the doctrine of grace in its ancient purity.” Hearing this, I began to consider what kind of doctrine that could be. But such was the pride of my heart, that I could not think of asking what difference was between that and any other; and because I found him to approve of that doctrine, I approved of it also, although I knew nothing about it. After parting with this man, I began to ponder in my mind what kind of doctrine that could be; for he spoke of it as different from every other doctrine in the world. I felt very uneasy till I should know more of this doctrine of free grace, and therefore read all the books I could get; but remained still in the dark. I thought that to be saved by free grace, was to perform sincere obedience to the commands of God, and that wherein I came short, God, for Christ’s sake, would forgive. And when I considered the promises, I looked first to the conditions to be performed by me, before I could pretend to have any right to Him.
I could not see these things in a true light, and though others were willing to instruct me, I would not let my ignorance be known to them. When I read that promise, “Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest,” I thought no one had a right to come to Christ, but such as were weary and heavy laden, with a sight and sense of their sins; and that promise, “Whosoever will, let him take the water of life freely:” I saw that there was a willingness required as the condition on my part, and till once I could find that qualification wrought in myself, presumed not to meddle with the promises.
It likewise increased my trouble, when I saw my former companions continuing in sin, particularly those whom I had been instrumental in the hands of Satan, in teaching the way of death. I exhorted them by all the joys of heaven, and all the terrors of hell I could think of, to return from their evil ways. But all I could say seemed like idle tales to them, for they believed me not. Then I thought that God would punish me, not only for my own sins, but for other men’s also, because I had led them in the ways of sin. That scripture lay very heavy on my mind, nor could I shake it off at any time (Jer. 2 : 33, 34).
My corrupt nature was like to overcome me, but when I prayed for the mortification of my lusts and idols, I was afraid that God would hear me; for I could not think of parting with my sins, although at the same time I durst not but pray against them. I frequently used this expression, “O Lord, I am afraid that thou wilt hear me, and thus deprive me of my idols.” I had such an aversion in my very nature against holiness, that I could not think of continuing in a religious way of life. Again, I thought since I had nothing but the outward form of religion, that I could never endure to the end, and that it was the most melancholy thing in the world. Yet I believed that those who found the reality that was in religion, in their own hearts, found it quite another thing from what I did; which made me hope that the Lord would, sometime or other, enable me to find His “yoke easy and his burden light.” Sometimes I thought that the Lord would keep me in this state of bondage for as many years as I continued in rebellion against Him. However, I thought several times on the man who was thirty-eight years at the pool of Siloam, and that I would also wait upon God, though I could not believe that any were like me, but hypocrites. That scripture was very terrifying to me: “but the hypocrites in heart heap up wrath.” “They cry out when he bindeth them” (Job 36 : 13). This, indeed, was my case, for I was bound in chains of strong lusts. I could never say that sin made me sigh, by reason of my bondage, and how could I seek for deliverance, who never found myself in bondage? I look upon all the knowledge I had of a Saviour, but as a dream.
I was very much grieved when I heard the people of God complaining of their state, saying, “O that it was with me as in months past! There was a time in which I could say, My Beloved is mine and I am His, but now I am in great darkness.” I would say, “O! happy people, who can say that there was a time in which He shone on your tabernacle whatever your case may be now! If I knew what communion with God is, I would patiently bear whatever lot He might appoint me, but it is quite otherwise. Ye complain of an absent God, and I complain of a God with whom I had never been acquainted. O that I knew where to find Him, but, to all appearance, I never will!”
Some said that I was wonderfully changed, and thus took me for a real saint; which grieved me very much, having a name to live, and being as yet dead. The people of God showed great love to me, and this also perplexed me, seeing that, when the rough garment wherewith I had deceived others and myself, should be taken off, they would abhor me, and that devils and damned reprobates would have me in everlasting derision, and say, “How are you fallen from your great profession? ” Art thou become like unto us? I could justify God in sending me to the pit; for that scripture closed my mouth: ” And if thou say in thine heart, wherefore come these things upon me? For the greatness of thine iniquities are thy skirts discovered, and thy heels made bare.” At the same time I had a full impression of the justice of God, for I could not see how God could be just, if He should save me, although the whole race of Adam were saved. The word “salvation” was great to me. When at prayer I was afraid of immediate destruction, the thoughts of which made my flesh to tremble.
As I was one night in the fields, praying, there came a great flash of lightning, and when it was passed I looked for a clap of thunder which would crush me to pieces, which made me also faint. However, I thought that if I died in this place, I would die on my knees, pleading for mercy. It then occurred to me, that many of these slavish fears came from Satan, who wished to terrify me. But after that night, I was never so much troubled with these fears as before. And I thought that, if God would have mercy upon me, and if ever it should be known what my sins were, and what was the exceeding riches of God’s grace towards me, others would be encouraged to hope in His mercy. ” This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners; of whom I am chief ” (1 Tim. 1 : 15). Yet, after all, despairing thoughts lodged within me.
What is This Point You Long to Know?
What is this point you long to know ?
Methinks I hear you say, ‘Tis this . . .
I want to know I’m born of God,
An heir of everlasting bliss.
Is this the point you long to know ?
The point is settled in my view . . .
For if you want to love your God,
It proves He first has loved you.
I want to know Christ died for me,
I want to feel the seal within;
I want to know Christ’s precious blood
Was shed to wash away my sin.
I want to feel more love to Christ,
I want more liberty in prayer;
But when I look within my heart,
It almost drives me to despair.
I want a mind more firmly fixed
On Christ, my everlasting Head;
I want to feel my soul alive,
And not so barren, or so dead.
I want more faith, a stronger faith;
I want to feel its power within;
I want to feel more love to God,
I want to feel less love to sin.
I want to live above the world,
And count it all but trash and toys;
I want more tokens of God’s grace,
Some foretaste of eternal joys.
I want . . . I know not what I want,
I want that real, special good!
Yet all my wants are summed up here,
I want to love! I want my God!
Is this the point you long to know?
The dead can neither feel nor see;
It is the slave that’s bound in chains,
That knows the worth of liberty.
So where a want like this is found
I think I may be bold to say . . .
That God has fixed within thy heart
What hell can never take away.
However small thy grace appears,
There’s plenty in thy Living Head;
These wants you feel, my Christian friend,
Were never found amongst the dead.
DANIEL HERBERT.