Period III — From twenty-four years of age to twenty-six
(continued from page 243)
One Sabbath-day, after coming from church, I went into the fields to lament my sad case, and began to think on that question, “What is the chief end of man?” The answer was, “To glorify God and to enjoy Him.” Then said I, How shall I glorify God, for I can never hope to enjoy Him as my happiness, nor could I see how God could ever be glorified by me but by my damnation, and thought that, could I speak after receiving my doom at the day of judgment, I would cry aloud in the hearing of men and angels, and number up the mercies and favours the Lord had bestowed upon me, and what means He had used to convert me from my sinful ways, and how often His Holy Spirit strove with me; and again show how I despised the riches of His goodness and forbearance towards me; how much I slighted the means of grace; grieved the Holy Spirit, and resisted Him; and then call all the saints and angels to approve of the sentence passed against me. I thought that this was the only way in which I could glorify God.
I found my terrors going away and a stupid frame of soul succeeding. I could not think of coming empty-handed to Christ, without being first humbled and broken for sin; and till once I could find these in myself I could not take comfort from any promise. I then wrote a catalogue of my sins and read it every morning, but was not in the least moved. Afterwards I sought out all the threatenings which were directed against such sins, and likewise read them every morning, but still found that they had no effect upon my heart. I felt discontented with all the ministers I heard preach, because they did not preach more terror. I said to myself, Poor soul! “how can thine heart endure, or thine hand be strong, in the day that I shall deal with thee? I the Lord have spoken it and will do it” (Ezek. 22:14). I applied this text to myself and saw that my heart could now endure all this, but that the time was coming in which my heart would fail within me at the wrath to come. Satan was tempting me to commit more sin, and that I would then mourn to purpose, but by considering its hardening effects I escaped this temptation.
When one means failed I bethought me of another: I thought if I could get a cottage in a wilderness that there I would live alone, and fast every third day until the Lord would show mercy unto me, but this I could not get. Then I thought upon my last project, which was to see if I could “cause my heart to despair of all the labour which I took under the sun” (Eccles. 2:20).
After the Lord had suffered me to weary myself in the greatness of my way, He revealed Jesus Christ to me, who I saw was in every way suitable for my soul, but that I was in every way unsuitable for Him; yet despairing to make myself more fit for Him, I endeavoured to roll my soul upon Him as a poor, miserable, wretched, blind, and naked sinner, without any qualification in myself to make me desirable in His sight. In this way I found the outgoings of my soul towards Him, and, as I said before, I saw Him to be in every way suitable for a lost and undone sinner; I found also some love kindled in my heart to Him.
I had now some peace in my mind which I had never before; yet still hankered after the qualifications to be first wrought in me before I could take comfort from it. In a few days after this I met with a private Christian, to whom I told all my exercises. She desired me to apply to the free and absolute promises of the new covenant. I said “that I could not do it, as I had no qualifications to render me worthy.” To which she replied, “that God never looked for any worthiness in the creature; that it was only for Christ’s sake we were accepted, and not for our own; and that the offer of grace was altogether free, and upon the lowest terms possible.” “Whosoever will, let him take of the water of life freely” (Rev. 22:17). But I said “that there was a willingness and thirsting required in that offer which I could not find in myself, and therefore how could I come?” I said “that I could not deny but it was the earnest desire of my heart that God would make me willing to do His will.” “Then,” said she, “that willingness is not in us by nature: for we are altogether unwilling to come to Christ, and, therefore, the promises of the new covenant are absolute. It does not in the least depend upon the creature’s doing.” “Thy people shall be made willing in a day of thy power.” “A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you; and I will take the stony heart out of your flesh” (Ezek. 36:26). She further observed as to the conditional promises, “that Christ had fulfilled all these for us, and that believers were now under a better covenant than Adam was.” She also opened up the nature of justification to me in a way I was totally ignorant of before, and desired me to study the Shorter Catechism with the Confession of Faith, in which I would get sound knowledge.
I was greatly comforted and instructed by this conversation, found my heart going out more and more after Christ in all His offices, and thought also that I loved this way of salvation very well. I found mourning which I had not before for sin, and my love increased towards all good people. Yet my whole heart did not close with Christ; I had still a secret hankering after the law, and wished for a righteousness of my own. I got this relief in the month of May, 1742, being in the twenty-sixth year of my age.
— A few Reflections on the foregoing exercises, since I was twelve years of age.
First. — When I reflect on this period of my life and see the many imminent dangers that threatened to take away my life on a sudden, and how the Lord in a remarkable manner delivered me from them all, I dare not ascribe any of these deliverances either to myself or to chance; because the Lord’s hand was visibly seen in them. I say when I reflect on these things I am made to fall down and adore that unspeakable love and care that God has for His people; even in their state of enmity and rebellion against Him, I may indeed say that God is good unto the unthankful and disobedient. I have many a time since, with over-coming sweetness, fixed my mind upon the following scripture, “O my people, remember now what Balak, king of Moab, consulted,” etc. So may I say, my soul remember now what Satan hath consulted; what thine own heart, from the day that thou wast born unto this day, hath consulted; what wicked men have consulted; and what the flesh have consulted, that you may know the righteousness of the Lord in bringing all these consultations to nought, and in “disappointing the devices of the crafty.” (Job 5:12).
I likewise observe that there is great danger when youth are led into bad company. How soon was I corrupted more than ever after going into the family already mentioned! And not only while there, but after leaving it, and I had made a sort of returning to the Lord. Evil company and corrupt books were my ruin.
Secondly. — The foregoing exercises have taught me to admire the long-suffering patience of God, who did not cast me off in the midst of my provocations. I admire the extensive nature of Free Grace, which overlooks both the goodness and the evil of the creature, and loves because it loves, which if it were not so, where would my salvation have been found?
Thirdly. — I have learned this lesson from God’s mercy towards myself; namely, not to limit the unlimited grace of God to others. Should they have committed many grievous and scandalous sins, and even gloried in their wickedness. Yea, although I should see all this and much more, I am far from saying, Hitherto shall this grace come and no further, and here or there it shall stop. No; I rather think His mercy is over all His other works; therefore doth my soul trust in Him. Who knows how often God, who commands His creatures to forgive one another, not only seven times, but seventy times seven in a day, will forgive a sinner? And if the creature who has but, as it were, infinitely less than a drop of that merciful nature which is in God, is commanded to forgive so many repeated offences in so short a time as one day, how often will God, whose mercy is above the heavens, multiply pardons to His people? Especially since He can do it without any impeachment to His justice or holiness. “He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins.” “And it is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save the chief of sinners” (1 Tim. 1:15).
Lastly. — When I reflect on the foregoing exercises, I am led to see the many false rests to which an awakened sinner will betake himself before he comes to close with the Saviour. The first rest to which I betook myself was the performance of duties; the second, a mistaken notion of Christ’s righteousness, thinking that God would accept the will for the deed, and that wherein I came short Christ would make up the deficiency. But the Lord brought me off from this delusion by letting me see that Christ would never clout my old garment with His new linen; yet I thought my duties might make me meet at least for receiving grace, for I wanted to make myself rich to come to Christ to get fine gold, etc. Then the Lord shined on that scripture, “And when he is come he will reprove the world of sin” (John 16:8); wherein I saw that it was the office of the Holy Ghost to convince me of my sin and show me my need of a Saviour. I believed that I could do nothing of myself without the assistance of the Holy Spirit; yet I believed that He did not work irresistibly and without any concurrence. But the Lord showed me that there was nothing but perfect resistance in my heart, and that unless there was an almighty power put forth that I would never be convinced of my misery. I compared my heart in this case to the leviathan (Job 41:15, 29). It would laugh at all the terrors of the law, while in my hand, and esteemed them as straw and rotten wood. “He is the chief of the ways of God. He that made him can make his sword to approach unto him” (40:19). Yea, He only can do it and none other.
Hence I concluded that neither good education, good example, reproofs, warnings nor any other thing, yea, nothing less than the almighty power of God can change or draw the heart to Christ. I used many means and self-endeavours to effect this but all was in vain, till the quickening Spirit of God came and wrought it in me effectually, “He shall not fail nor be discouraged till he have set judgment in the earth” (Isa. 42:5). “So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth, it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please.”