Period IV — From May, 1742 to February, 1743
(Containing the progress of conviction in my soul, with the many fears and doubts I was under from May, 1742, till February, 1743, when the Lord in some measure loosed my bands and set me at liberty.)
I was like the man who had his eyes half-opened and saw men as trees walking; but, blessed be God, it was like the twilight of the morning and not of the evening, and so the morning star arose, the day began to break and the shadows to flee away. “And it shall come to pass in that day, that the light shall not be clear, nor dark: but it shall be one day that shall be known to the Lord, not day, nor night: but it shall come to pass, that at evening-time it shall be light.” (Zech. 14: 6, 7.)
My fears began again and suggested, “What if thou art not elected? Christ will never save thee though thou shouldst weep tears of blood for thy sins.” Besides, I had such great thoughts of the mercy of being saved that I was even confounded to think that it should ever be bestowed upon me, since I was no ways worthy of such an exceeding great mercy. These thoughts brought me into so great a perplexity, that when at prayer, I always thought upon these words, “What if thou art not elected?” and therefore that I need not trouble myself about a thing so uncertain; to which I found this reply: “But have I not as much ground to believe that I am, as that I am not?” Yet I was not able in this manner to repel the violence of the temptation.
The Sacrament of the Lord’s Supper was to be administered at Muthil on the second Sabbath of July, 1742, and having a desire to be there, I set a day apart for fasting and humiliation, in order that I might be prepared for that holy ordinance; but, being ignorant of a true fast, I went about the duty in my own strength. Yet the Lord, who never left off pursuing the design of His grace in me, blasted this duty, and showed me how loathsome all my duties were in the sight of a holy God. According to the arrangement I had made, I arose very early in the morning, and, having gone into the cave of a rock, I began the day’s work with prayer, and spread the black roll of my iniquities before the Lord, which I had formerly written; and a humbling sight it was to behold. I did not, however, proceed far when I began to grow very sleepy, and at last was so overcome that I could do nothing. I prayed against it, but all to no purpose. Then I took my Bible to read, that I might prevail; but sleep so increased that my Bible fell out of my hands. Towards evening I came home heavy and displeased with the exercises of the day, being assured that such a fast was not acceptable to the Lord. “Is it such a fast that I have chosen, a day for a man to afflict his soul? Is it to bow his head like a bulrush?” (Is. 58:5, 6.)
The day following I went to Muthill, where I met with some judicious Christians, whose company was very acceptable to me, for there was no one at home who could understand my exercise. I was a little comforted by their conversation and answers; but still my soul remained in trouble; and I was afraid to join in the ordinance, as I found the unbelief of my heart so very great, and could not find so much as the least evidence of faith, love, or any other grace. And my old temptation stared me in the face.
On the Sabbath morning I heard Mr Hally preach the action sermon from Hebrews 6:18, “That we might have consolation, who have fled for refuge to lay hold on the hope set before us.” While he was delivering this sermon I was under great trouble, and was melted into tears, for the secrets of my heart were made manifest unto me. He was wonderfully helped to speak home to the hearts of the hearers; and cleared up several stumbling-blocks that Satan frequently throws in the way of those who are fleeing to the city of refuge. Among others he made the following observations: “If you are a man who is fleeing to the city of refuge, the devil will do his endeavour to stop your journey, by telling you that you are not elected; and that you need not run, for that it will be in vain. But say you to him, that he does not know who is elected, or who is not; and that he was never admitted to read the Lamb’s book of life.”
“But if this will not serve his turn, he will tell you that you have continued too long in your sins, that the day of grace is now past; and therefore that it is too late for you to run. But tell him that it is the property of the gates of the city of refuge that they are not shut either by night or by day. So that, at whatever time the man-slayer will come, he will find the gates of the city open. Again, he will tell you that you are not safe after you are entered; and that the avenger of blood will lay hold of you some time or other. But tell him that the man-slayer’s right is committed to the Levites and priests; and that the man-slayer has free access to read them when he comes there; and that his right and security is no less than the immutable promise and purpose of God who cannot lie. So that if the man comes there, he is secure enough.
Notwithstanding all my objections being thus answered, I had no courage to go forward to the Lord’s table. I saw that I had the outward call of the word, but no inward call to go forward; and so I went to hear sermon at the tent, where I heard Mr Mackie, who proclaimed these words to the congregation: “Whoever among you is willing to accept of Jesus Christ in all His offices without exception, he is welcome to the Lord’s table this day.” When I heard this I thought my heart was drawn out after Christ in all His offices; and that I was willing to accept of Him as King to rule and subdue me, as well as Priest to save me. Then I said with the prodigal, “I will arise and go to my father.”
But no sooner did I arise to go to the church than Satan was at my right hand to resist me, and to say, “Have you not sinned enough already upon you, and will you go there also?” which put me to such a stand as that I did not know what to do. Then I said, Oh! no, I will not go. And therefore sat down where I was. In a little, however, I found my heart pressing me to go to the church. I therefore arose, but was soon detained again by the same temptation. While I was thus in great perplexity, this scripture came into my mind, Chron. 21:13, “I am in a great strait, let me now fall into the hands of the Lord, for very great are his mercies.” Upon which I went forward, but came away afterwards from this ordinance in great darkness.
I was, sometime after this, complaining to some of my Christian friends about the sad disorder of my soul; but they showed me no pity, and said that it was ill becoming in me to complain in that manner, when others had not won my length; which led me to conclude that I was nothing but a mere hypocrite, and that they were deceived in me.
On Monday I heard Mr Drummond preach from these words, “As rivers of water in a dry place.”
He observed the singular qualities which this water had over the natural water. “When the land,” said he, “requires rain, and is parched, the corn withereth and decayeth; and so it is with the seeds of grace, which are sown in our hearts, when they want the influence of the Holy Ghost; but, observe the difference, when the natural rain comes it nourishes weeds as well as the corn. But the rain of the Spirit nourisheth the corn only, and killeth the weeds; and, further, the terrors of the law may break a heart of stone to pieces, but the least piece of that broken heart is still a stone: but, when the mollifying influences of the Holy Spirit come, they will dissolve the heart of stone into a heart of flesh. These things were useful to me.
On Monday night I was enlarged when engaged in private prayer; and the Lord instructed me as to several things from that text, 2 Peter 1:10, “Wherefore the rather give diligence to make your calling and election sure.” Wherein I saw that it was not my duty to inquire first about my election, but to see if I could come to the knowledge of being called: “For whom he did predestinate them he also called.” The Lord gave me some light also about justification and effectual calling, and likewise good hope.
The Sacrament of the Lord’s Supper was to be celebrated at Callander, where I attended, and on the Saturday heard a very comfortable sermon by Mr S – – – h, from these words: “A bruised reed shall he not break.”
He observed, “that the believer might sometimes be, as to the exercises of his grace as weak as the smoke of a candle after it is blown out;” “But,” said he, “will the Lord Jesus Christ quench that smoke? No; He will cherish and take care of it, and blow upon it with the wind of His Holy Spirit, till it burn up into a flame.” I was greatly revived by this sermon. I heard another from these words: Josh. 3:5, “Sanctify yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do wonders among you.” I heard some expressions deduced from these words, by which my affections were warmed with love to the Lord Jesus. Among other things the preacher remarked, “the devil said, skin for skin, all that a man hath will he give for his life.” “But behold your exalted Redeemer, who freely and willingly laid down His life for you.” Again, “Zipporah said when he circumcised the child, a bloody husband thou art to me. But Christ may say, A bloody Church art thou to me. I paid dear for thee.” Upon hearing this I thought my heart was inflamed with love to the Lord Jesus Christ, who loved me at such a dear rate. I rose immediately to get to the table, while the congregation were singing the fifth verse of Psalm 24, which were the sweetest words to me I ever heard, and I said, “O my soul, come and sit down under the covert of this atoning blood, and receive the blessing from the Lord, which is purchased at such a dear rate!” O the wonderful view I had of the sufferings of the Lord Jesus! But shortly after this a great mist and darkness fell upon me; and I had many heart-challenges for having come to the feast in such strange apparel. I was no less cast down by a sermon I heard preached from 1 John 1:3, from which some marks were given to those who had fellowship with the Father and the Son: to which I could lay no claim.
At this time I was hearing a great noise about the work of God at Cambuslang, in consequence of which I went there, and was greatly comforted to hear the people speaking of their experiences to one another. On the Sabbath there was a great multitude gathered together. Such a sight I never saw before. Mr Whitefield lectured from Matthew 14; and there was an uncommon concern among the people. But although I heard great threatenings denounced against sinners of all descriptions, yet I was not in the least affected thereby; and saw that unless the Spirit of God wrought upon me, it was beyond the reach of any mortal to do it. These words came forcibly into my mind: “Behold I go forward, but he is not there; and backward, but I cannot perceive him: On the left hand where he doth work, but I cannot behold him; he hideth himself on the right hand, that I cannot see him” (Job 23:8, 9). I came away from this place rejoicing at the Lord’s conquest in the land, by making a willing people in the day of his power.
When coming home and meditating on what I had been hearing, these words came into my mind: “And ye are complete in him” (Col. 2:10). By which I saw that it was by Christ, and in Him alone, and not in myself, that I could be complete; and that God beheld His people as in Christ to be without spot or blemish. The Lord showed me also something of the fulness of Christ and the emptiness of myself and all my duties. Yet I doubted His willingness to communicate His fulness to me. After this I went to Comrie, where Mr Hally of Muthil preached from the fifth chapter of Matthew; when the Lord helped me to make application of the third, sixth, and seventh verses, with great satisfaction to my soul. But, not many days after, I razed all the foundation, again thinking it was all but a mere delusion.
Some days after this I found a book which treated of the doctrine of justification, and the different views persons had of Christ when they closed with Him for life and salvation. The author observed “that the first actings of faith in the soul pass under descriptions; such as looking unto Jesus; coming to Christ; fleeing to the city of refuge; running unto His name as into a strong tower; committing the soul into his hands; and trusting in His name. So that the first actings of faith in different souls may in some manner vary. Some have clearer views of Christ, and are enabled to believe in Him more strongly; while others are weaker in faith. And as the manslayer hastening for his life to one of the cities of refuge, was ordered to flee to that which was nearest him, so it is the duty and privilege of sinners, when they see their miserable condition, to flee immediately to Christ the great Saviour, and to that in Him of which they have the clearest discerning, and is in that regard the nearest to them. And though the distinct actings of faith in Christ vary, yet in the main they agree, inasmuch as it is one Christ that is believed on for purification and life. They all flee to one Christ for refuge, and so are all safe.”
The Lord enlightened my mind from this passage, so that I was enabled to see my mistake, and to close with Christ as a Saviour suitable to my case.